*I am a white woman and my reflections are from a white perspective directed to fellow white folks.

8 minutes and 46 seconds. An eternity. A lifetime. The end of a Life, a beautiful, precious Life.

For many, those 8 minutes and 46 seconds were also the beginning of a new awareness of the ways systemic racism causes so many racial disparities across the country. New for some, yet a repeat of generations and generations of violence and death to Black bodies rooted in racism.

For those of you who woke up to a strong desire to fight for Black Lives, did you notice the world as you knew it started to shift?

You marched. You donated. You signed petitions. You called your legislators. You put up a Black Lives Matter sign in your front yard. You thought about talking to your racist family members. Some of you did. Some of you still contemplate how to do it.

It’s months later and we are seeing efforts fizzling out in white spaces. Feelings of exhaustion and burnout are running high. As we all struggle with a pandemic amid the civil unrest, overwhelm is all around us. I hear the whispers from my white friends through a thick veil of shame. Do you feel it?

Are you reading blogs that claim your efforts are not authentic? That you’re not doing enough. That everything you’ve done so far is just performative, motivated by self-preservation. Do you find yourself wondering if you are even doing the right things?

I get it. I’ve been through this. Sometimes I feel the exhaustion in my racial justice work, and I’m embarrassed to admit it because I’m white. I’m embarrassed because my exhaustion is nothing next to the exhaustion of my Black and Brown friends who experience racism every day, in so many unacknowledged and brutally loud ways. My exhaustion makes me feel guilty and ashamed and I’m well aware that guilt and shame are not serving me or the greatest good.

Here is what I know. These feelings of shame, confusion, and frustration rise when we rush into racial justice advocacy without spending time healing from the scars of white supremacy culture.

White supremacy culture is ingrained so deeply in us that it informs and drives the way we show up to the racial justice movement, and it’s the reason our efforts often do more harm than less harm. The goal is less harm. Please remember that. Less harm. When we strive for no harm we are falling into the unrealistic and harmful goal of perfectionism.

Learning about systemic racism shakes our spiritual foundation

The process of acknowledging systemic racism and our own participation in the system brings up powerful emotions.

It triggers grief.

We feel that we’ve been lied to all our lives. We may be angry at our parents’ generation for embracing the idea of colorblindness as the cure for racism.

We may feel shame for the ways we’ve benefited from an unjust system.

Like discovering that our romantic partner of many years has been cheating on us, we suddenly feel unable to trust ourselves. How could we not have seen this before?

Our perception of who we are as decent human beings has been lost, and we need to restore it.

So we take action. We respond out of a sense of urgency that allows no time to work through these powerful emotions.

It’s like we’ve stepped off of solid ground onto a stand up paddleboard for the first time, and we’re trying to paddle forward before we have found our balance.

At one point in my journey, I remember spending a lot of time on social media calling out and shaming other white people for perpetuating systemic racism. My righteousness felt good.

I was in a rush to fix racism and prove I wasn’t racist, and I took no time to heal from the open wounds white supremacy culture had left on me. And so my racial justice activism (if you can call it that) continued to perpetuate the very systems of oppression I want to eliminate.

The values of white supremacy show up in our response to racial justice

Studying the characteristics of white supremacy culture is like unlocking the secret code that explains why white people — even would-be/could-be allies — respond to the movement in predictable and harmful ways.

A full study of the value system that defines white supremacy culture could and should take months or years. It is this piece that I continue to study and practice in hopes of shifting generations of toxic whiteness: The Characteristics of White Supremacy Culture by Tema Okun.

A few of the characteristics that directly contribute to the burnout many white people are feeling after the events of this past summer include:

Perfectionism: Doing wrong equals being wrong.

• This drives both our sense of shame about our past actions and our anger and condemnation of others who have not reached the same point of understanding as we have.

Only One Right Way: The belief there is one right way to do things and once people are introduced to the right way, they will see the light and adopt it.

• We have this sense that we’ve had our eyes opened to the only right way to think about race in America, and if we can simply make others aware of it, they will agree, and that is how change will happen. It becomes our job to change people instead of focusing on our own growth.

Either/Or Thinking: Things can never be both/and.

• You’re either racist or anti-racist. You’re either woke or you’re not.

Sense of Urgency: Emphasizing quick or highly visible results at the expense of thoughtful decision-making that considers long-term consequences.

• Get into action fast. This might mean skipping critical time invested in analysis, education, historical context, inner awareness.

Right to comfort: the belief that those with power have a right to emotional and psychological comfort (another aspect of valuing ‘logic’ over emotion).

• We seek ways to make hard conversations easier. We strategize ways to make change more bearable. The focus becomes on how comfortable others (white people) are vs the issues at hand.

Until we engage in self-healing, our advocacy will be unsustainable

When we don’t understand the ways that white supremacy culture represents a value system that is so out of whack that it harms everyone it touches, then we show up to the racial justice movement out of a sense of obligation. We want to be good people. We don’t want racism to exist. But we see systemic racism as a problem outside of ourselves.

And when change is slow to happen, we lose conviction and slide into apathy. We return to our normal mode of caring most about things that affect us directly, thinking that we are immune from the harm of white supremacy culture.

But if we take the time to truly process the harm that this unbalanced values system causes to individuals, to communities, to relationships, to the planet, we’ll stop seeing it as someone else’s problem. We’ll see how damaging white supremacy culture is to everyone, and that systemic racism is only one of the symptoms.

I offer you this practice for radical reflection and deeper connection when you start to feel the overwhelm, the grief, and the despair of the injustices happening all around us all the time, as touchstone for your own healing.

If you commit to a self-healing process, then when you take your stand against racism and against white supremacy culture, you’ll be fighting for your own liberation, which is a fight you’re not going to give up because you’re tired. You’ll rest, and then you’ll keep fighting. You’ll show up to the movement not as a savior, but as someone who wants to get free too.

After 25+ years in the real estate industry, we know that the traditional real estate brokerage approach doesn’t incorporate a justice model. As we started to see how racism was embedded in the real estate industry as a whole, we weren’t sure where to start. In the past year, we’ve finally come to a place where we see a path forward as we work to create a real estate brokerage with a justice model. The solutions aren’t necessarily clear, but a different approach has become crystal clear and it starts with cultivating a team of real estate professionals dedicated to anti-racism work.

What makes the work we do at Alvarado Real Estate Group different? In acknowledging that racism exists in our country and in the real estate industry we step out of denial and silence. We are committed to exploring and challenging the way racism is embedded within the real estate industry as a whole. We practice this work in a way that is rooted in justice, transparency, and accountability to those most marginalized.

Everyone in the company has committed to this work of exploring and challenging racism within their roles and capacity.

We have prioritized regular social justice sessions for open dialogue, difficult conversations, and deep learning.

We stand with the Black Lives Matter movement. This means different things to different people. At the core, we all believe Black Lives Matter and that the system was not created for and is not working for Black, Indigenous, Latinx, and People of Color in the same way as it is for white people and that creates injustices that we have committed to explore and challenge. Systemic racism is real. Institutionalized racism is real. We choose to acknowledge that openly. We bring humility to this work.

We partner with community organizations to strengthen communities of color and support leadership.

We challenge our biases and learn to reframe them. We acknowledge societal conditioning and the messages we receive that uphold systems of oppression and we challenge them. We challenge the status quo, individually and as a company.

We commit to learning the historical context of racism in our industry and the interconnectedness in other areas so we can better challenge it in our day to day interactions in our work and beyond. We can’t change what we can’t see.

We are actively working towards our goal of creating a redistribution of wealth program by the end of 2020.

It takes a deep desire for change and it also takes time, energy, financial resources, and a strong sense of hope. Hope matters.

It is easy to see the need for change when we look at the homeownership disparities between white people and People of Color, at the lack of Black and Brown professionals in the real estate industry, and the generational weath gap. We know we can do better. Now is the time and commitment is the first step.

For more resources specifically around racial justice and real estate, click here.

The Black Lives Matter movement is forcing many white people to open our eyes to inequalities we have long ignored. One such issue is neighborhood segregation and unequal access to homeownership.

Since the Fair Housing Act passed in 1968, the gap between Black and white homeownership rates has widened — growing from 27 percentage points in 1960 to 30 points in 2017 — and the Black homeownership rate has actually stayed almost exactly the same.

After many years of silence, white communities are beginning to talk about the ways segregation shuts Black, Indigenous, and People of Color out of opportunities to gain wealth, attend well-funded schools, and be safe in their homes.

Many white people are asking, “What can I do?”

Before we can take any action to desegregate our neighborhoods, we need to understand three unsettling truths about neighborhood segregation.

Truth 1: The segregation of our neighborhoods was deliberate, legal, and rooted in racist lies.

In 1933, The Home Owners Loan Corp created a system called redlining, that was institutionalized in 1937 by the federal government, which made it legal to exclude Black homebuyers from obtaining a mortgage. Pervasive racist stereotypes depicted Black Americans as violent, lazy, and welfare-dependent, making their neighborhoods risky investments.

Without access to mortgage insurance, Black residents fell prey to real estate speculators, who convinced white homeowners to sell at low prices based on the fear that Black people were moving into their neighborhoods — a process known as blockbusting. Those speculators then either sold the homes to Black residents in predatory contract sales or charged them inflated rents. In most cases, Black homebuyers lost their homes with no wealth generated after years of investments.

Truth 2: Racial prejudice and discrimination in real estate continue to present unequal barriers to homeownership for BIPOC.

In November 2019, after conducting a three-year study, Newsday found that Black homebuyers in Long Island were discriminated against in 49% of interactions with real estate agents, as compared to the experience of a White buyer with the same financial details. The forms of discrimination were so subtle that most participants of color in the survey did not know they had been treated differently until they heard the experience of their white counterparts.

In my career, I have seen agents require Black or Brown buyers have a pre-approval letter prior to showing homes while agreeing to show homes to white buyers who aren’t yet pre-approved. I’ve seen lenders decline Black buyers at much higher rates than white buyers in the same financial position. And I’ve seen agents only show buyers of color homes in diverse neighborhoods, and only show white buyers homes in mostly-white neighborhoods.

Because of the commission-based pay structure for real estate agents, and because many first-generation homebuyers are buying in lower price ranges, BIPOC often work with novice agents who don’t have the experience and knowledge to properly protect clients and guide them through the process successfully.

In Black and Brown communities, home-buying horror stories abound — getting ripped off in the loan terms, a closing falling through because the agent didn’t know how to navigate the downpayment assistance program, getting no’s from five lenders before getting a yes, etc. These stories, and the overall lack of education around the benefits of home buying from a wealth-building perspective, create a negative stigma around home buying for Black and Brown communities.

Truth 3: White homeowners continue to benefit from the discrimination of the past and the present.

The racial wealth gap, which as of 2016 stood at more than $150,000, according to Brookings, is directly attributable to the expansion of homeownership for Whites at the expense of Blacks during the post-war period of the ’40s and ’50s. This gap means white families today are much more likely to get help from family members with down payments and avoid foreclosure if they experience a sudden loss of income.

The unconscious biases of the real estate industry mean buyers of color slog through barrier after barrier, while white buyers get a red-carpet experience and gain access to the best homes in the hottest markets with the best schools. Modern discrimination and lack of fair housing policies limit the housing options of BIPOC to overpoliced neighborhoods, increasing their chances of experiencing incarceration, which in turn limits their access to the workforce. The cascading effects of racism in real estate are endless.

When we fully understand and own these unsettling truths, when we thoroughly explore the history behind them, when we let them dig into our collective soul, they make us question everything about the status quo.

And then, and only then, can we begin to desegregate our neighborhoods.

Want to learn more? YOU’RE INVITED: Untold Stories About “Good” Schools and Neighborhoods -a Virtual Seminar. Location, Location, Location…Realtors know the truth in that phrase and so do Teachers. The underlying messages of the “good” schools or the “bad” neighborhoods is a conversation that is long overdue in many circles. It means we need to talk about money, resources, home prices, free and reduced lunch statistics which all mean different things to different people.

Join Sara Alvarado and Ananda Mirilli for some virtual Saturday morning inspiration, intellectual stimulation, and heart expansion.

Tickets are available on a sliding scale from $20-$50. Get your ticket here.

From Ali Muldrow:
I’m celebrating Juneteenth this year with 100 acts of black freedom.

I am asking the white folks in my life to celebrate with 100 acts of truth and reconciliation. The question is can you be honest enough about racism to address it and take responsibility for it. Because it’s not enough to just stop doing the wrong thing, it is time to start doing the right thing. #FreedomFighters #TruthAndReconciliation #Juneteenth#JoyfulRevolution#LocalRevolution #DoTheRightThing
(Read Ali’s full message here).

Dear Ali, I hear you. Thank you for the call to action

As a white person, I will not celebrate Juneteenth without also committing to action. As a white person, on Juneteenth, I will take on the challenge of 100 acts of truth and reconciliation. I commit to addressing and taking responsibility for racism on Juneteenth and every day.

There is no instruction manual or checklist for this work. No one can tell us how it will look to address our own internalized racism and take responsibility for changing the systems of oppression we benefit from.

Do not ask for a list to be made for you. This is your work. However, I can offer you 100 questions that you can ask yourself as you create and commit to your 100 acts of truth and reconciliation.

If there is something on this list you don’t understand, google it. The act of researching is an act of learning. Take responsibility for your own re-education.

I commit to being radically and uncomfortably honest about my role in addressing racism and taking responsibility for it. Please join me.

100 questions for 100 acts of truth and reconciliation.

1. Can you name a time recently when you had a negative bias towards a Black person?
2. Have you practiced radical honesty in acknowledging negative biases and found ways to change them? What kind of time and energy have you invested in understanding the impact of negative biases?
3. When have you gone along with the group just because it was easier? Can you connect times when you not standing up or disagreeing has created harm?
4. Do you understand the difference between intent and impact and why impact matters more?
5. When have you caused harm even when your intention was good?
6. Can you be honest about a time when you responded to racism with ignorance?
7. Can you be honest about a time when you responded to your own racism with defensiveness?
8. Can you be honest about a time you excused a friend and their racism?
9. Can you be honest about a time you turned away from racism in your workplace?
10. Can you be honest about a time when you avoided an opportunity to stand up to racism?
11. Can you be honest about a time when you questioned someone’s ability based on the color of their skin?
12. Have you gone above and beyond to hire a professional who is Black?
13. Have you examined how much money you invest in Black owned businesses?
14. How do you determine how much is enough?
15. Have you voted for a Black candidate? Have you contributed time, energy, and money to a Black candidate? What do you know about voter suppression and the history of the rights of Black people to vote?
16. Have you talked to your friends or family about representation in politics?
17. Have you ever had a teacher who was Black? Do you currently pay a teacher who is Black for any of your learning?
18. Are you investing in Black women? What does that look like?
19. Have you learned from Black leaders about their ask to defund/abolish the police?
20. How are you impacted and influenced by the books, podcasts, essays, speeches, words of Black people? How have you changed by changing who you listen to?
21. What is your experience being pulled over by the police? What do you understand about police brutality, the history of police, and the privatization of prisons?
22. Can you openly talk about your internalized racism with someone you don’t know well?
23. How does modeling authenticity become an act of reconciliation?
24. How did your parents and family raise you to see racism, your whiteness, and the history of racism within your lineage? Are you willing to forgive your parents?
25. Have you committed to taking responsibility to raise your children differently? How are you supporting the youth, listening to them, and learning from them?
26. Can you be honest with your children about your own racism and the racism in your family?
27. Do you notice and point out racism on TV? In commercials? In the media? How are you challenging that?
28. Have you wondered why you are critical of hip hop? Have you examined Black freedom through music and art? How can you support and invest in it more?
29. Can you accept that you can’t unlearn everything you’ve learned? What can you re-learn to be less racist?
30. Can you be honest about how uncomfortable you are in vulnerable conversations about race? Are you willing to push yourself into growth mode?
31. Can you be honest about the sacrifice that is required for change and transformation?
32. Can you imagine what the world would look like without racism?
33. What are you willing to sacrifice for justice? How will that sacrifice bring a positive impact to you and the world?
34. Have you stopped short from digging deeper because it felt too hard? Or you were too tired? Did you allow yourself to rest or did you sit in toxic guilt, avoidance, denial?
35. Can you love life and hate racism at the same time? How do you navigate the love of your life with the battle of internalized hate?
36. Have you read any personal stories that share the brutality that slaves experienced? Have you read any juicy love stories written by a Black author?
37. Have you looked at your own lineage to see how your family history contributed to racism?
38. Have you asked your elders to tell you stories about their experience with racism?
39. How have you challenged the education system to do better? Who are you advocating for when you support and challenge the school district and educational systems?
40. How have you challenged your city, village, county officials to make policy change for Black Lives?
41. Can you be honest about the excuses you’ve made for yourself?
42. When have you acted as a white savior in your past? What about more recently? How do you respond to white saviorism when you see it?
43. Can you be honest about the shame you have experienced as you have noticed your own racism? How do you plan to navigate shame when it comes up again?
44. Have you practiced healing from your own past traumas? How do you experience racialized trauma?
45. Are you willing to examine the ways the Black Lives Matter movement and environmentalism are linked? Can you support a Black-led environmentalist organization?
46. Have you had an honest conversation with anyone about the racist practices in the recruiting, hiring, and interviewing process at any organization, institution, or business you are a part of or have access to? Where and how can you challenge that in your current life?
47. Can you be honest about a time when you have thought you have known better about what the Black community needs? How do you reconcile the lie you were told that white is superior?
48. Where have you built a community that has resulted in surrounding yourself with more homogeneity than diversity?
49. Can you generously compensate Black people for things you usually feel entitled to?
50. Can you be honest and name a time you felt entitled to the labor or service (physical, mental, or emotional) of Black people? Are you willing to examine the cost of emotional labor for Black people?
51. Can you come up with a list of ways that the Black community is being exploited in your city? In this country?
52. Can you come up with a list of ways to counter that exploitation with support and investment?
53. How much have you donated to Black-led organizations? How much are you willing to donate on an annual basis? Is it a percentage of your income? Is it a dollar amount? Are you willing to add it as a line item and incorporate it in your financial planning?
54. Have you explored the difference between mutual aid and charity?
55. Where do you see racism show up in the farming, grocery, and food service industries?
56. How do you counter the negative, racist stereotypes of teen moms, single Black moms?
57. Can you be honest about your perception or the messages you’ve received about Black fathers?
58. Are you willing to confront the connection between white supremacy and productivity and worthiness? What can you do to specifically counter that in your own life?
59. Are you willing to practice self-love as an act of revolutionary change?
60. Can you see how you not loving yourself impacts your ability to love others?
61. How are you willing to learn from and celebrate your mistakes as a form of countering perfectionist culture?
62. Can you be honest about your tendency to intellectualize instead of humanize?
63. How are you holding yourself accountable to the Black Lives Matter movement?
64. How are you holding others accountable to the movement?
65. When was the last time someone held you accountable to help you see your blindspots to racism and how did you navigate that?
66. Do you owe someone an apology? Are you willing to change your behavior for the apology you need to make or is it an empty apology? How can you commit to changing in collaboration with apologizing?
67. Who are the people in your life that have modeled apologies well for you and how have you improved your ability to navigate conflict within your relationships?
68. Can you be honest about a time you minimized someone’s experience because accepting it at face value made you uncomfortable with your own whiteness?
69. When have you acted out of a need to feel better about your anti-racist work instead of slowing down to examine the complexity of your reactions?
70. Where have you seen tokenism in your world?
71. Were you raised to be colorblind? Do you understand why that term and ideology is harmful? What are you doing to address the desire that white people have to remain blind to their own racism and whiteness?
72. Have you explored the history of your neighborhood and how it fits into the redlining of our cities?
73. Are you willing to see the connection of generational wealth to real estate to racism?
74. What do you know about banking while Black?
75. How are you contributing to racialized capitalism?
76. Can you be honest about the messages you have received and bought into about the exploitation of Black women, their bodies, racial fetishism, exoticism?
77. How do you idolize and demonize Black people?
78. What can you do to counter the idolization and demonization of Black people?
79. Have you witnessed the school-to-prison pipeline up close and personal?
80. What is one thing you can do today to acknowledge and support Black artists?
81. In what ways are you impacted by the poison of racism as a white person?
82. How has oppression held you back?
83. Can you see a difference in your life experience with toxic guilt vs useful guilt?
84. In what way are you willing to call yourself out as a means of acknowledging your own racist behaviors, modeling vulnerability and committing to change?
85. What are you willing to risk by speaking and acting for racial justice and against racism?
86. Will you choose your truth for racial justice over being polite?
87. In what way will you use your voice to eliminate racism and what are you willing to put on the line?
88. What will your children say about you when you are gone? Will it include your advocacy and activism for Black Lives?
89. Have you hired Black people expecting to get cheap labor?
90. Can you list areas in your life where you have the power to change or influence policies, rules, regulations, practices, and processes to make them anti-racist?
91. What does it look like to make reparations?
92. Where do you see racial disparities in the education system?
93. When has your resistance to see racism made you deny it because seeing it would be too disruptive?
94. When have you allowed yourself to see racism in a way that fully disrupted your life?
95. How have you consumed, used, or stolen Black culture as your own?
96. Are you willing to challenge your capacity to lean in and become a critical thinker and a more loving human being in an effort to eliminate racism?
97. How much do you know about the history of the Great Migration? Black Wall Street? Mass incarceration as the new slavery?
98. How have you examined your white fragility and built your racial resilience?
99. Where has/does binary thinking create a barrier to your growth in your anti-racism work?
100. What questions am I missing to practice truth and reconciliation as I take responsibility for racism and acknowledge it in me, around me, and in the systems, I partake in?

And the questions keep coming.

I’m aware that there is much that I don’t know and I wonder what I’m missing.

I wonder and I inquire.

I wonder and I learn.

I wonder and share.

That curiosity, when I allow myself to be honest with myself, encourages deeper exploration and the strongest desire to be more active in the revolution.

With radical love for all people,
Sara Alvarado

For deeper inquiry and resources, visit www.SaraAlvarado.com/free_resources

Amor de mi vida,

I have been thinking about what this week means to me and I’ve been trying to make sense of it all. Our baby turns 18 years old on Thursday. Can you believe it? I know, I’ve asked you that a hundred times lately. How is it possible? And then I get annoyed with myself for asking such a cliche question.

Where has the time gone?
How did this happen?
It happened so fast.

I remember like it was yesterday when he was 18 months old and I would look at women like they were bat shit crazy when they said things like, “it goes by so fast.” Nah, it was slow as hell during many of the past 18 years.

18 years. That is a long time. And look, we are still married! Isn’t that awesome? We had no clue we would make it in such a beautiful and loving way. No one believed we would either and look at us…we showed them! Not that we were trying to prove anything.

So back to this time thing and the fact that we did it. We accomplished what is known as “raising a person.” We raised a human being into life. This little life that took us completely by surprise has turned into his own being, with his own personality (even if it does resemble mine a lot). He has his own passions, his own beliefs, and his own distinct preferences. He is his own person. He came into creation because of us and in spite of us at the same time.

I know you know…I really like this person we created. But when I think about it, did we really create him or did he help us create our own selves better? Because of him, we dedicated ourselves to each other. We committed to doing the best we could for him and ultimately, that meant taking really good care of ourselves and our marriage.

To be the best mom for him, I needed to get honest with myself about the work I wanted to do in the world. I went on the journey to find work that lights me up so he could believe it is possible to follow your dreams. I allowed myself to fail openly and vulnerably so he could see that failing is part of life. We just get back up.

To be the best mom for him, I needed to focus on my health and well being so I could take care of him when he got sick and needed me. I made sure that included my mental health as much as my eating and exercise habits.

To be the best mom I could be, I needed to challenge you and our marriage to make sure we were in it for the right reasons and not just because.

Not just because we birthed this child together.
Not just because society said it was the right thing to do.
Not just because it felt easier than the alternative.
Not just because we could…but because we really and truly wanted to be together on this life journey.

The more I thought about this milestone of ALEX TURNING 18, the more I turned to you in awe and love and gratitude.

The more I think about celebrating his life, I realize how much I want to celebrate our life and our marriage.

This milestone is exciting for him, yes, and I’m happy for him and the world (boy can vote now!). But really…wow, we did this, baby. We did this.

We showed him that he is worthy of love and joy just for being himself, just for waking up in the morning. We showed him that because we believed that for each other. You never had to do anything to be lovable. You simply are. And I simply am.

Thank you, Carlos, for loving me so deeply and so well.
Thank you for being the best Father you can be.
Thank you for caring for our marriage, our family and mostly, thank you for caring for yourself and loving yourself. You model it well. You honor the journey. You hold sacred our role as parents and as humans on this Earth.

As I thank you, I thank myself. And I thank us, as the united team we have become.

Cheers to Alex’s 18th birthday!
Cheers to us!
Cheers to our love!

Te amo, Sara

My son was in 5th grade when I asked him which box I should check on a form that requested his race and ethnicity. He confidently said, “I’m Mexican.”

I was prepared for that. Kind of.

I was prepared enough to stay quiet and not question him. But I wasn’t prepared for my own inner dialogue as I wondered, “But what about American? What about me?” I wasn’t expecting to have feelings about it and now, writing it out is pretty embarrassing. At that point in my life, I hadn’t reflected on identity or my own white fragility to the extent I have now. I wrongly assumed my kids would grow up to identify as half Mexican and half American. Like they aren’t “whole” anything? I was clueless. I still am. But thankfully, I’m less clueless now.

The ironic thing is that I was raised half and half: half Jewish and half Catholic. I will never forget the unexpected moment that I was not prepared for when my 3rd grade friend asked me which one I was, Jewish or Catholic. Innocently, I answered, “I’m both.”
She replied, “You can’t be both. You can only be one or the other.”
I don’t recall the rest of the conversation but I’ll never forget the bewilderment of someone telling me who I could or couldn’t be.

Flashing forward to my son telling me he was Mexican and me wanting to correct him showed me how conditioned I was to put people in boxes, identifying them in a way that makes sense to me even if it completely disregards the person’s own identity.

The question, “How do you self identify?” is a powerful question. My son might be identified as white but he identifies as Mexican. He does have incredibly light skin. I might be identified as Christian with my blue eyes and freckles, but the question is, “How do I self-identify?”

It is one of the many conversations I didn’t have growing up that I was now determined to have with my family. It is the kind of conversation that leads to other challenging discussions about biases, stereotypes, and racism. It can be a respectful, compassionate and considerate conversation. Or not.

I am not kidding when I tell you that one of my children went through a phase when he would call me a racist every time I asked him to put on his black sweatshirt or his white socks. Racism was top of mind for him and yet hadn’t been on my radar. Judge me all you want, I’m just keeping it real.

Race, identity, white privilege are all conversations that had been missing from our dinner table until I was aware enough to acknowledge my own whiteness. I have learned to have the conversations. They are messy. I’m not always good at it. Sometimes my attempts fail miserably but I won’t stop trying. I won’t stop practicing because courageous conversations lead to courageous actions and we need to break this cycle. The cycle of white silence. The cycle of racism, oppression, and ignorance.

If you are like me and feel the urgency to make change happen, you may also believe in the importance of having messy conversations that will lead to action and change and the importance of combining the internal work with the external work. I have created an email series offering you seven conversation starters that helped our family engage in critical dialogue at the dinner table, in hopes it will be a helpful resource for you. Once you sign up, you’ll receive an email every 10 days that will include the following:

• One conversation topic about race to discuss
• 10–20 minutes of prep work related to the topic
• Guided conversation questions for you to use with your teenager.

Sign up for the free email series here: Talking about Race with Your Teenager

Nope, not necessary. There have been plenty of incredibly helpful and educational posts that point out what you missed.

You say it wasn’t intentional. I get it. I have also said, written, and acted in ways that I wish I could take back. I could say my goal is to do no harm, but that would be ignorant. My goal is to do LESS HARM, not no harm. If I’m going to speak out, use my voice, enter into conversations and write about racial and social justice, I will undoubtly make mistakes.

Please understand, your mistake could make me want to stay quiet. It could be an opportunity for my inner critic to say, “See Sara, being big, having your work impact thousands of people, is dangerous. Don’t do it. Stay small.” It would make sense if I were to take that route. But the reality is, I want to share my work in a BIG way! And I want to be brave enough to step out on the edge with the hard stuff. That means my chances of messing up are high, so instead of avoiding the hard, scary stuff, I’ve got to be willing to stay open and learn from others.

This letter is about how to handle the mistake.

The face palm here is that you messed that up too. You had an opportunity, and so far, four days later, the hole is getting deeper.

I’ve decided to tell you what I wish you would have done. I also hope it helps other white women in this industry take a hard look at who is staring back at them in the mirror each morning and how they are running their businesses. We all need to take that hard look…every freaking day.

Here it goes.

The mistake is pointed out. Images shared, words reflected back, and explanations start to pour in from women of color. Some of these messages are harsh, and some are not. You are receiving from the collective.

Step 1: Be present. Apologize, acknowledge, take responsibility and listen. DON’T DELETE ANYTHING. Keep your apology short, humble and authentic…this is the first step. Do not explain, do not diminish, do not defend, do not get fragile.

“I’m so sorry. I should have done better. I didn’t realize it and that is a huge problem. I am committed to listening and learning right now and I promise to take the next steps to acknowledge and amend the harm I’ve caused.”

Step 2: Full stop. Put everything on hold. It can wait. Cancel the next scheduled posts and emails. Draw the line in the sand. You may call this damage control. I don’t. I call this an important and urgent matter that just took priority over everything else.

If you have other people managing your social media, take over. The buck stops with you. You need to be on the front lines to listen carefully. Go ahead and work with your team if you want, but don’t hide behind them.

Step 3: Get into conversation with the people that are calling you in. Ask for suggestions (knowing that it is not their job to educate you, but some women of color are willing and/or can be hired to consult). Or let them know what you plan on doing and be open to feedback.

Example, “I plan on removing all of the images and change the language in my marketing materials. Is there anything else I can do to rectify this mistake?”

Find and HIRE someone of color that can coach you through this process.

Step 4: Highlight the people that have taken the time and invested emotional labor to call you in, educate and share the impact. Thank them. Pay them.

Step 5: Promise to take action and learn more. Don’t say you learned your lesson already. You haven’t, you just became aware of your mistake, which doesn’t mean you’ve had time to learn from it yet. The learning is WAY deeper than that. It will take time.

You don’t have to know now, but sharing something along the lines of, “I have more learning to do about white supremacy and my own blind spots. I will commit to taking a class, reading recommended books and taking a hard look at our business model and marketing process. I am not sure what this will look like but over the next couple of weeks I will define it more clearly and I promise to keep you all updated and share my learnings.”

Step 6: Share what you learn. Get vulnerable. Encourage the people you influence to learn from those that are teaching you. Share the changes you are making personally and professionally.

There is no specific timeline for these steps, but urgency is crucial. CRUCIAL. Unfortunately, the harm you have caused has been exacerbated by how you have chosen to handle it. Start over. Or don’t. Either way, it has created necessary learning for me and many others.

Thank you for that.
Sara Alvarado

Click here for my free guide for change agents.

A neighbor has a sign in their yard, “Black Lives Matter.”

Another neighbor on a different street has one that says, “We Support our Madison Police”

This is the ugly, divisive and deadly fight in our community right now.

A friend recently mentioned that someone asked her to put a “I Support Madison Police” sign in her front yard. She said, “If you have one that reads, “I Support Madison Police and Black Lives Matter” I will put that in my yard.

That’s the other option now, the one that equally loves Black People and Police Officers. This concept of both/and, not either/or, is a good one and I jumped onto that for a little bit…and then I kept digging.

Being a Police Officer is a profession. It is an occupation. It is a choice. I have a significant amount of respect, appreciation, and love for many people that choose to be Cops, Firefighters, Military etc. It is a life of service. I respect that, and yet the people that hold those positions still need to earn their individual respect. It isn’t just given out. Sometimes it is earned and then lost.

Being a Police Officer is a career. It’s a job that people get paid for. Police officers take their blue uniforms off at the end of the day. Some say you don’t take it off, it becomes you. Yes, but no. It is a chosen profession. You can quit, retire, get fired. It’s a job at the end of the day.

Black and Brown skin. Not a choice. At all. Can’t take it off. Can’t call in sick for the day and blend in with all the other White people at the office.

This is not an equal argument, Blue Lives Matter vs Black Lives Matter. Just like All Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter steps us back, not forward.

Diane Goldstein, a retired Lieutenant Commander (yes, a White Cop), speaks from her perspective, “The war of words about whose lives matter more serves no useful purpose. But that doesn’t mean initial responsibility for putting things right should fall equally on everyone. Instead, I believe it’s down to us, the members of the law enforcement profession, to start the reconciliation process — because we’re the ones in the position of power.”

And they are. Let’s always keep that in mind when having these discussions and working towards change. White people have power. It is how the system is set up. Police Officers have a lot of power. Based on the licensing rules of their profession, they are held to higher standards than citizens. They carry guns and are able to shoot people. That ability creates power that non Police Officers simply DON’T have. The Police are already supported by a system that is set up to protect them.

Because words matter, I will no longer be pro-Black and pro-Police because it over simplifies a deeper understanding of the change that is needed. I might love both equally to some abstract extent. However, I wouldn’t use the word ‘support’ for both equally. I support the Black Lives Matter movement.

I support the urgency to give power to the people. Black and Brown people. Goldstein declares, “The formation of Black Lives Matter is a direct outcome of our poorly designed criminal justice and economic policies.” Because our criminal justice system and economic policies need to be changed to serve Black and Brown lives better, then supporting the Black Lives Matter movement is urgent and necessary.

My lack of in-depth understanding, experience and education when it comes to making changes in the justice system shouldn’t silence me. So how do I stand up for change and demand change, when I simply don’t know enough? I look to people that I trust who have the same desires I have for racial justice and I support them and I learn from them. I support the Black Lives Matters Movement and local Madison WI movements like Freedom, Inc. and Families for Justice Dane Co. I support Black and Brown Police Officers (not the system) who are isolated within their own community, for wearing the uniform, and yet also isolated within their Police community (I hear this from them directly). I support programs like Amigos en Azul, created by Black and Brown Police Officers to serve their communities. I support the need for justice for People of Color and the initiatives that focus specifically on that.

I think of my friend who will only put up a sign in her yard if it combines both messages, pro-black and pro-police and appreciate her for taking that stand. For me, there is a difference in standing up for people and supporting professions. Not too long ago I would have wanted the same sign as my friend. Today I am certain that I won’t support the police department in the same way I support the Black Lives Matter Movement.

I remain open to changing my opinions as I learn and grow. I allow others to have their own truth, perspectives and opinions and I listen. I will continue to dream of a future where People of Color are not treated differently because of the color of their skin and there isn’t a need for a yard sign war when the streets are deadly enough.

Travels in Mexico. Fun times that can be abruptly interrupted by awkward moments that make me question everything.

I was browsing in this charming store right off the ocean in Sayulita, Mexico. Bright colors, Mexican art, bags, table clothes, pillows and little knick knacks perfect for gifts. Everything about this store screamed tourism but in a respectful and authentic way. The people scooted past each other in the narrow aisles between the shelves and tables. Not surprisingly, I heard English all around me. But it was this shrill voice that caught my attention as she talked to the American owner/cashier at the check out. I cringed at her tone as she asked the local questions about her store and what it was like living in the beachtown.

“Why do you live here?” She asked with accusation vs curiosity.

I stood still and waited for the exchange to take place. I stood still because I couldn’t comprehend how someone could ask that question to a stranger and I needed to know how the woman would answer.

I had lived in the tourist town of Puerto Vallarta for three years at one point in my life, long ago. I remember the frustration of being questioned for being where I was.
Like I needed to offer up an explanation for my life choices.
Like people had the right to jump all up in my business.
Complete strangers.

The woman slowly replied with some generic answer about her love for the ocean and the culture. I was hoping she’d snap back with some sassy reply and I realized that I was still feeling sassy myself, so many years later.

It was interesting, the self righteousness that boiled in me as I perked up to listen to the exchange.

It was interesting, the way I looked at this questioning tourist with critical eyes. How ignorant, intrusive and nosy of this woman.

I allowed myself to see the situation differently and I sent love to the woman whom I had declared stupid and unaware. I didn’t know her story or where she came from. I forgave myself for my quick judgment and moved on.

Later that night I was out with some locals. My friend was telling me about her brother who had been married for over a year and had a baby. They lived at her Mom’s house. I interrupted and asked, “Why do they live there?”

It was so quick. It came out of my mouth before I had even thought about the question. There it was, ‘why’ with that same tone. OMG I’m such an asshole. The question broke our connection immediately. I noticed its rawness in her reaction. She paused and held her gaze with me. It was a loaded question that instantly created a cultural gap between us. Immediately our conversation transformed from friends confiding and sharing stories to an awkward and unwelcome teaching moment.

Who was I to ask that question? Why had I asked it? How was it possible for me to be offended by someone asking ‘Why” in a way that dripped bias and then turn around and ask the same question to someone else?

Because I’m human. I’m not perfect and I’m still practicing at this thing called life, communication, cultural awareness, inner biases, microagressions…all of it. Damn it. I hate screwing up. I hate being the jerk. But move on, sister. Get over yourself.

My friend wasn’t as insulted as I had been. And I was quick to correct my question and attempt to take it back (to be clear, it was a pathetic back peddling attempt). The question still lingered. Because intent and impact are two different things. My intent wasn’t to be harmful or insulting, yet it was possible the impact could have been.

If you are wondering why this question was so rude or if I am overly sensitive, please step into the space of curiosity with me.

Why would your brother still live at his Mom’s house with his wife and newborn? The assumption was that something was wrong for that to be the reality. The assumption was that it was out of the ordinary and needed an explanation. It was me getting all up in their business and making a negative judgment about a cultural norm.

In my world, kids move out when they turn 18 years old, or after they graduate high school. It is a thing…our cultural thing.

In Mexico there is no magic number 18. Like many other cultures around the world, kids aren’t expected to move out at age 18. And even as things change in the USA and more kids are moving back in with their parents, please note that they are moving ‘back in’ and not necessarily staying longer.

My question, ‘why do they live there’ was an unaware (and let’s just say, Americanized) question. Just like I couldn’t wrap my head around living with my parents as a married mom without needing a reason, the tourist couldn’t wrap her head around anyone wanting to leave their home country and live in Mexico. It was the way she said it. It was the judgment in her tone that gave it away. Why would anyone do that? Judgement. Bias.

I shifted back into a cultural awareness. I had bumped up against the belief that ‘the right way’ is to leave your parents home after you turn 18 years old. And anything else isn’t ‘right.’

It’s silly when I look at it like that, isn’t it? Of course my experience creates my understanding and has nothing to do with right or wrong. It is simply the way I know. Being able to see different ways is a skill and takes practice and awareness. It means we can choose to check our norms and open our minds and our hearts in an attempt to create meaningful, loving and honest connection.

I choose to step out of judging what is right and wrong.
I choose to remove the word ‘should’ from my vocabulary.
I choose to be open to all the different ways of life in this world.
I choose to love and respect people for making their own choices.
And sometimes I’m human and I screw up.

Many years ago I was planning an event with a group of small business owners. One of the members wrote on the flyer that we were small business owners. It fired up a heated discussion as some people in the group strongly agreed that naming ourselves ‘small business owners’ made us sound…small. (I’m not kidding; someone said that, but stick with me here). I sat through the discussion, easily influenced by my peers (I was young), and it sank in for me, small is bad. I didn’t argue it at the time. What did I know? We had just opened our real estate brokerage and it was me, my husband, an assistant and one agent. Four of us. We were happy, incredibly busy and overwhelmed, but happy. Before opening our own firm I had the experience of working on my own (within a big company) and I didn’t like it. It lacked something and it just didn’t work for me. I hoped that creating our own thing would work for me. I was finding my way and taking notes. I didn’t have the words to understand what I knew wasn’t working and I couldn’t describe what I was creating. I was simply going on intuition and taking risks.

Over the years our company has grown. We got really big — there were a total of 10 of us at one point! I know, that’s HUGE! (Insert smiley face). We opened a second office and we continued to grow in size. I bathed in the glory of having people congratulate me on our success and the growth of our company. It was wonderful. I loved it. And it confirmed my perception unconsciously that big is better.

Then one day I realized that I didn’t want to grow the business bigger. As I thought more about owning a successful business and I visualized what that looked like and more importantly — what it FELT like — I sensed an alignment with the business being small. I could feel a shift inside that felt right. I had been pushing for something that wasn’t in alignment with my highest good.

Being conscious has helped me to create a perfect size and feeling for our company.
For me.
For my husband.
For our family.

The coolest thing about this is…
When we are clear about creating the right environment for us we attract the right people.
We are able to best serve our clients. Because of that clarity we are not caught up in trying to be something we aren’t or apologizing for something we aren’t and that authenticity feels good to the people we work with.

This past year we closed one of our offices. It didn’t make sense for us to have two offices. We didn’t WANT two offices anymore. We were clear and on purpose so we closed and office. That also came with an OMG, we closed an office! That screams trouble. Business must be bad. These things tumbled through my mind especially when a lender we work with asked me why I would limit myself like that. I could hear and see the community perception of what it means to close an office. Nope, I was clear. I told him that in creating the business that works for us, I’m actually opening doors to opportunities that will take us to the next level.

I still get anxious about the community’s perception. We live in a culture where BIG is better. Even though now I’m clear and confident, there are times that I worry about what people think. I’m human. I have vulnerable moments. They pass more quickly now and I’m grateful for that.

My definition of a successful life doesn’t include owning a big business. My definition is different than yours. It might not be super different, it might be wildly different. Big vs small. Success vs failure. Good vs bad. Judgment. The voices of our culture, of society.

In the meantime I dream about the life I want to live. I’m creating this ideal life and expanding it through practicing in the present and visualizing my dreams for the future. I’m sizing my business to fit a life that I desire.

Recently I sat in an audience of entrepreneurs and we listened to the speaker encourage us to grow our businesses, to think big, to expand. I was agitated, to say the least. Business owners have a shit ton of pressure. Period. We don’t need more pressure to be something that might not be the best for us. He used examples of local businesses that started small and grew to be huge and amazing. That is great for them. And perhaps it was inspiring to the person sitting next to me, but don’t put me in that box. He challenged us to keep growing.

I am always growing. I’m always growing ME. And that means that I might choose to not grow my business. What would it have been like for the presenter to talk about the great companies out there that are big and small? We know big companies that have failed and we know small companies that thrive and are sustainable. Size doesn’t have to be a bench marker to success. A successful business takes care of its clients and its employees with excellence and integrity.

Imagine if the message was about a successful business, any size, which performs beautifully for everyone it serves.

Imagine if the message was about living our purpose. That living to our highest potential could include a small business or a big business. It could include a side business. It can be whatever you dream it to be. It might take years to get there and along the way you might change your mind.
That’s cool.
Listen to your heart. It so totally knows.
And if something is off, and you feel it, get back on track to what your heart is telling you. When I’m heart centered I enjoy where I’m at right now. If I’m not where I dream to be, I can still enjoy the dream I’ve created thus far. That is living the journey with joy.

Now when someone tries to push me down by telling me I’m limiting myself by closing an office I don’t second guess myself. I eloquently (with a bit of fire of course) challenge them to think about the definition of success as a personal pursuit and not defined by the size of my company.

I challenge the belief that big is better.