Yesterday I began a year long adventure inspired by the work of Steven Levine. He asked a simple question everyday for a year — how would I live if I only had one year left? It’s a powerful practice that I engaged fifteen years ago when my husband died and left my world turned upside down. Then I couldn’t really imagine the world a week away much less a year. But it helped me make sense of life.

This time I’m engaging in the midst of a midlife revolution — a changing of the internal guard that has thrown out much of what was important, brought new priorities to the forefront and has me continually asking “Who do I want to be when I grow up?” I’m sure this question is always hard to answer but it feels even harder in the midst of a world turned upside by constant political drama.

So yesterday I walked around the river. I saw the Mister Rogers movie (part of me definitely wants to be Mr. Rogers — a beacon of hope, compassion and light) and I stepped into an unexpected hornet’s nest with an old friend.

I don’t know where this process will lead. I hope it leads me to a deeper sense of my own truth. I hope it leads me to release whatever no longer serves. I hope it leads me to love fiercely, open my heart wider. To relax about things that aren’t important and to pay more attention to the things that really matter.

What’s clear is this is a one day at a time process. I’m holding the question, “If this were my last year to live what would I do differently today?” Some answers to this question arrived with me on the journey. And I know there are so many more to be discovered. I’ll try to chronicle this journey here. Would love your insights, thoughts and well wishes. What would you do differently today if you were on this journey too?

Scott Mills, Ph.D. is a teacher, a writer and an explorer of life. If you want to know more about him check out www.scottwmills.com

Special is exhausting. It walks into a room and it has to feel important.

If others don’t stop and take notice, Special’s feelings are hurt. It makes up stories about how the others are jealous. It holds grudges. It gets angry with other people just for living their lives.

Special works really hard to make sure it piles up accomplishments (many of which don’t matter to It at all) so others will know how valuable It is. Every new reward, trophy, degree, promotion reminds it how special It really is but the feeling wears off faster and faster.

It misses so many of the joys of life because It spend so much energy just to be acknowledged.

Even when Special finds It’s importance in helping others, secretly helping others is still all about Special. It (sometimes not so secretly) thinks, “If it wasn’t for me these people would stay where they were. Aren’t they lucky that I have rescued them.”

And at the end of the day, Special’s deepest fear is that It’s just like everyone else. That there’s nothing special about them after all. They’re just ordinary, everyday folks — which means there’s no reason to love them.

The day Special makes this realization we should throw a party, celebrate their coming out of the darkness and make a path for life to truly begin. It might feel painful at first but it creates space for a new path to emerge — the path of the unique.

Why not release the need to be special and embrace the unique?

While trying to be special is exhausting — largely because we must rely on others to confirm our experience of specialness — Unique is internally motivated. It seeks it own path and if others aren’t on the same ride that’s okay.

I like to remind people that You are the only version of your song that the universe will ever sing. You have a perspective, a story, a history, a body that taken all together gives you a perspective on the world that no one else has.

And this is enough.

And thus, you are enough.

Unique recognizes this.

At It’s core, Unique knows that it doesn’t need to prove anything. It doesn’t have to live by the standards of others. It can find it’s own way to happiness. And It’s way doesn’t have to be the only way.

Unique understands that it holds a perspective that is all it’s own born from It’s particular life experiences, thoughts, dreams, ideas. There is value in It’s perspective and even when it takes in the ideas, dreams, stories of another, this is still it’s own unique mix.

Being loved by another human being lights us up precisely because the other mirrors back our uniqueness. They don’t confer our specialness from the outside but rather see our uniqueness and mirror it back to us. What a beautiful gift to see another.

Burning the Prescription

I started to end this piece with a list of ways to start finding your own uniqueness — the path that will lead you into your own bliss. And then I thought better of it.

Your path is yours alone. You are, in fact, already on it. So instead of a prescription, I’m making an invitation. Please share in the comments below one way you are living your uniqueness. Shine your light so that others might find theirs. And, if you have a tip or two about how you got there share those too!

Down with Special! Vive the Unique Revolution!

About the Author

Dr. Scott Mills is a creature of constant reinvention. He’s a nomadic professor in the digital diaspora, a mind ninja and a beat poet who missed the sixties. He writes, teaches and coaches folks who are ready to live lives worth living. You can find out more about him at www.scottwmills.com

We are living in a time of transition. Most days the world seems a little turned upside down and confusing. And we are in sore need of powerful, compassionate guides on this journey. I had the pleasure to chat with Caitriona Reed — a woman of transgendered experience, a self-described transgressor and explorer of boundary crossing (not an invader). Her experience as an international teacher of Buddhism, deep ecology and meditation all inform this lively conversation of how we can create the world we long for. .

It’s hard not to feel a deep sense of peace when you are talking with Caitriona. She immediately reminds me, as we begin to chat about this place of in betweens, that a boundary and a border is not a line, it’s a place. A transition zone. And it’s into this zone we’ll play for a while.

I’ve captured six of the guidelines for life that she shared with me. (You can watch the interview in its entirety below.)

1/ The Truth of us is universal. Caitriona tells me, “The truth of us is universal. The truth of what connects us. The truth of what blocks us. You meet the same person wherever you go… When we meet each other we have a common ground of our humanity.”

It is this understanding that begins to build bridges even as we meet. Her invitation is to look for the common truth of our humanity that connects us and to dive in deep. This is the place where the fear dissipates and our hearts engage.

2/ We have more power than we imagine. The myth that we have no power is just a myth. Caitriona shared a beautiful story of a young man in the San Gabriel Valley, an area that has many gangs and many young men feel that there is no escape for them. Teaching a process of open dialogue, Caitriona and Michelle asked a group of young men at high risk for joining a gang a series of questions.

One of the young men, as she shares in the interview, was asked what can I do about the situation in the world. It was the first time this young man had ever been asked such a question and just in the asking an epiphany occurred. “I could leave La Puente.” He had no idea that he could choose differently. And as soon as he began to imagine a new choice, he began to see a path to reaching it. Caitriona says that these “little moments of deep change” are really what keep us motivated and inspired.

3/ We are all misfits of a sort. As she said this, I felt a moment of relief. My secret, perhaps yours as well, felt like it was out. Part of the human experience is to question ourselves. This so often leads to moments of invalidation of doubt, of wondering if we will ever really make it.

She recalled travelling with the Noble Peace Prize Nominee, Buddhist teacher Thich Naht Hahn. A young man snuck in through the back door filled with despair, desperate to see the teacher. He was convinced that someone had stolen his power. In that moment Thich Naht Hahn tapped his squarely on the chest and said, “You are in charge.”

In these moments when we feel lost, alone, a misfit among a world of folks who have it all figured out, she teaches that we can take back control. Choose a new path. And it all starts with knowing that we are in charge.

4/ We are all being called to interrupt the patterns that keep us caught. So much of our world can feel like it is running on autopilot. The decisions that we make often feel automatic and outside of our control. And this has led us to the brink of global crisis.

We are called to wake up, to look for whatever ways that we can help each other arise. The patterns can be interrupted and a new course can be charted.

I imagine that it’s like we are asleep at the wheel of a tractor trailer heading towards a cliff. There is still time to wake up and jump out before it goes over. But many of us will need a little help to get there.

5/ Let your curiosity guide you. The curious cat being my spirit animal, I was excited to hear more. Caitriona recounts when she had tea with the Dali Lama and he shared that “A Boddhisattva should be interested in everything.” Our world is an invitation to dive in, explore, play, learn and expand. Whatever makes you curious, incites your mind and your spirit, follow that and see where it leads.

The places where the world makes no sense, seems upside down and out of control — these are opportunities for discovery. What could be leading us down this path? What if we imagined something new? Where might we end up? It all begins with a question and the curiosity to explore it.

6/ The formula for living as a human being begins with compassion. This can be really hard lately. In her latest book, Braving the Wild, Brene Brown shares that we are more polarized than ever. It is hard to look across a political aisle, a national boundary, a religious divide and see anything other than the unknown other. But Caitriona explains that compassion allows for “connecting even where connection seems impossible.” It’s in the place of our shared humanity where we can meet and greet the other as friend.

We concluded our conversation with a big question. I asked Caitriona what she most longs for in the world.

“I look forward to a world where more and more of us are engaged in the conversation that draws people into the possibility of empowerment and transformation. Because it’s all here. We have everything we need. In each other. With each other.”

I long for this world too. Let’s meet in the middle, the place of in betweens, of transitions, of new stories. I know that we can cross the boundaries together into a beautiful experience.

Find out more about the amazing work that Caitriona and Michelle Benzamin-Reed are doing at www.fivechanges.com. You can also listen to Caitriona’s beautiful podcast — “The World We Long For” at theworldwelongfor.com

About the Author

Scott Mills, Ph.D. lives in Portland, Oregon where he writes, teaches and coaches. You can find out more about his antics (work, musings, mischief) at www.scottwmills.com or follow him on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/scotttheunicorn/

From her beautiful home at Manzanita Village, a spiritual retreat center in Southern California, Michelle Benzamin Reed joined me for an inspiring conversation about the crossing the boundaries into a world that no longer remembers what it is to be at war — at war with ourselves, with each other and with the planet. And as soon as she began to imagine this world with me, she also provided guidance on how to begin this journey, right now, and live a life that you love.

Of course, she starts out by telling me that she is focused on one area in all of the work that she does. She explains that what she’s really about is “loving life — feeling like it’s a gift — and staying interested in it no matter what.” Considering how many people I come across who have gotten bored with themselves and the world, I’m excited to hear how she gets there day after day.

You can listen to our whole interview here.

It helps that she has spent her life exploring. She is an Aikodo master as well as a gifted artist whose work has won many awards. She has taught Buddhism, meditation and deep ecology around the world with luminaries like Nobel Peace Prize Nominee Thich Naht Hahn. And her experience as a biracial woman with a foot in Japan and a foot in the U.S. has also informed her. This has allowed her to walk between many differing worlds, mediating between what can seem like opposing forces. .

It all starts for Michelle in a place of gratitude and curiosity. Even when she’s sitting across from someone that presents a challenge to her beliefs she can hold the thought that, “They have something that’s important to me that I need to hear.”

She admits that this has taken years of training but that it has been worth effort. Listening with an open heart full of curiosity allows for a new way of connecting. It creates a space for a conversation to emerge.

Our conversation was so rich but I want to highlight five of the life lessons that I will be reminding myself of this week.

1/ Release the need to take things personally. It’s so easy to make it all about me. Of course, you are the center of your universe. I am the center of mine. But once we step out of the house in the morning our universes begin to collide. We get ourselves into trouble when we think that the person who bumped us on the street or was grumpy in the elevator is a bit player in our life rather than the center of their own universe. When we release into this truth, we gain a better perspective on life.

2/ Get into agreement with yourself. What a beautiful way to remind us that all of us is okay. Many of us spend so much of our time beating ourselves up for having an errant emotion or thought. But Michelle starts from this place of self-compassion that allows us to be okay and present to whatever emotion you may be feeling. Receive it like a welcome guest rather than turning it away at the door. This allows it to complete and creates a space for something new to emerge.

3/ Step aside and all others to have their experience. This deep insight from the world of Aikodo makes me want to spend my life in Michelle’s dojo. I think of all the times that I want people to act the way I would like. (It’s hard sometimes to remember that their universe is more relevant to them than mine, especially in moments of pain.) We can choose to allow for others to complete or to block the flow of their emotions most often creating escalation. Most of the time it’s not about you. It’s about them. Just as you allow your own emotions to complete, allow those of others so that something new can emerge.

4/ Invite your active, fierce compassion. The notion of fierce compassion couples with allowing others to complete. It allows you to also have fierce compassion for yourself. It is about being “able to engage fully and say yes to the moment and the love you feel.” At the end of the day, fierce compassion is about being able to stand with someone in the fire of their experience, perhaps a little cinged but expanded. (Of course, nowhere is Michelle suggesting that someone should allow themselves to be injured or abused. As a matter of fierce compassion for yourself, if you are in danger get to safety.)

5/ Unleash your inner Obaasan. When I asked Michelle about how art informs her teaching she tells me a story about her grandmother (Obaasan in Japanese). When she was three years old the artist impulse that every child possesses had already invited Michelle to color outside the lines. Rather than limit her, Michelle’s Obaasan covered the walls with paper and encouraged her to color wherever her imagination led her. This was first time she felt “the freedom and the liberation of the line.” And this permission to fully express has travelled with her to this day. If you did not receive this permission, it’s not too late. You can give it to yourself right now!

When I asked her what is the biggest change she wants to see in the world she laughed and said, “I want a lot.” (How can you not love her?) But at the core of her wanting is a world where children don’t know what war is. Where “this notion of war becomes an old thing of the past, an old story, maybe a metaphor of how we used to deal with things.” She dreams of a day when we can be more creative in our solutions with each other and release the violence that has become an easy solution to far too many problems.

I’m excited to live in this world with Michelle! The work she does is helping to make that dream a reality.

Find out more about the amazing work that Michelle Benzamin-Reed and Caitriona Reed are doing as well as Manzanita Retreat Village at www.fivechanges.com.

About the Author

Scott Mills, Ph.D. lives in Portland, Oregon where he writes, teaches and coaches. You can find out more about his antics (work, musings, mischief) at www.scottwmills.com or follow him on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/scotttheunicorn/

I’m laying on a yoga mat.

It’s 6 o’clock on a Sunday evening. And I’ve signed up for the restorative class.
The lady at the desk tells me it’s like a yoga nap and I’m instantly sold.

The British accented Yogi invites us to follow our breath. On the in breath feel “I am here.”

On the outbreath feel “I am here now.”

As I do this my head whispers,

“There are things to do.”

On the outbreath,

“There are things to do NOW!”

This is the moment I decide that I am done with productivity.

This is the moment I decide that the ticking of a machine will not tell me how to organize my time anymore.

This is the moment that I decide there must be a better way and I will find it.

I resolve to put “stop being so damned productive” on my to do list as soon as I get home. And yes, I see the irony in that.

I turn to Thoreau — begin reading Walden — the recounting of his two years living an unconventional life by a pond. I walk around the river by my home and breathe. I release, shed, renew.

This is not a quick unlearning process. I’m still in the midst of it — figuring out how to live less productively but more purposefully. But there are a few things that I’ve learned on the journey so far that I thought might be helpful to others.

1. Your life belongs to you. My life belongs to me. The wacky choices that I’ve made have generally brought me joy even when my friends and family haven’t understood them. My mistakes are mine to make. My first job is to live out my own sense of purposefulness rather than productivity. The easiest test for this has been to simply ask the question, “Am I doing something that matters to me?” If the answer is no, I look for a way to release whatever I was asking about. If you ask yourself the same question, what do you hear?
2. Give yourself permission to find your own truth. There is nothing about what everyone else is doing that necessarily makes it right. Brene Brown has a fabulous new book out — Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. She explores how lonely so many of us feel. We are desperately trying to belong and yet we still feel disconnected and alone. We have to learn to connect to ourselves first, our own truth. From that place, we are able to connect to others.
3. Invite curiosity everywhere. Sometimes when I’m riding the subway or wandering through the mall, I can’t help but think we are all just monkeys playing make believe. We’ve made up this game we call life while our cousins are hanging out in trees. It makes me laugh every time. I see how serious we are about our stories and I get really curious. What if the story was different? What if we didn’t take ourselves so seriously? I make up new stories for the people passing by. Allow yourself to be curious.
4. Imagine a new path. It’s easy to believe that what’s happening now is the way things are and the way they will always be. But that’s what humans always think. Do you think a thousand years ago anyone would have imagined the world we live in now? I grew up when we still had phones with cords, busy signals, read maps to get places. The world we live in now is like something out of Star Trek and it’s amazing! What makes any of us think that we are so smart that we know what’s coming next? Imagine what else could be on the horizon for you? What would your craziest dream look like? What if you were doing exactly what you wanted to?
5. Start little experiments. As soon as you can imagine a new path for yourself, you can start trying some small things. If you imagine that you might write a book, start writing down your thoughts. If you imagine that you could be spending more time with people you love, start releasing things that are getting in the way. You don’t have to change the world, just adjust a moment. Try something new and see how it goes. You don’t have to tell anyone. It can be your little secret at first.

Perhaps none of what I am saying is new. Maybe you’ve heard it all before. I’m definitely not offering you strategies to dominate time and get more done. I’m hoping instead that you begin to see that a lot of what you have to get done doesn’t really matter. That there are things that are really important to you that you could be doing more of. And you get to choose. It all starts with a simple decision, a moment when you know that there is something more for you than checking off boxes. From there, it’s just a matter of jumping in to a life beyond productivity.

About the Author

Scott Mills, Ph.D. lives in Portland, Oregon where he writes, teaches and coaches. You can find out more about him at www.scottwmills.com or follow him on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/scotttheunicorn/