“Really?,” replied he.

“Yes, you do,” said she happily.

As an afterthought, in a smaller and sad voice she added, “ I wouldn’t know any better.”

“Really?,” replied he.

“Yes, you do,” said she happily.

As an afterthought, in a smaller and sad voice she added, “ I wouldn't know any better.”

Next you see, the girl has two small children or animals with her. Two somethings which are small, warm, vulnerable and seeking love. She is protective of them and has her arms around them. She asks the woman for something and is asked to give something in return if she wants something. The girl resolves to get what is required to appease the woman. She curls up with the two little beings, her arms around them and waits for it crying.

And I woke up crying at 5 this morning. I just couldn't stop crying and cried like my heart was breaking. I didn't know why, but I was just so sad. I knew I was the girl in the dream and I knew that it was not (just) my mother in that dream.

Though it started off as her, the woman represented all those people who I have felt deep love for and have been vulnerable with. It represented all the rejections, hurts, lows, the lowest of lows and unrequited love I have felt. Its all those times my soul was bared and open to the weather. And how weathered it is now.

I tried to analyze what that dream meant as I continued to cry. Is it because I felt rejected by my mother and all the times I felt like less than nothing? At the very same time I thought about how I could understand as person and a woman, how difficult her life had been and devoid of love or affection or security. All of which I have felt too. All of this while another thought kept telling me how I had just been a child and dint know any better and she should have been nicer to me.

The woman in the dream then morphed into my ex and I felt so angry with him for treating me with so little love, in words and in action. I remembered then a part of a conversation I had had with a male friend the night before. I remembered wanting to ask the friend if he thought I was a cold woman. I had wanted to ask him that because he said that his wife was a cold woman. The exact same thing that my ex had told me several times. I dint ask him because I realized I dint need anyone else to validate who I was. I asked myself if I was a cold woman and the answer was no.

As soon as that thought passed, I realized the woman in the dream represented the drama, emotional drain and blackmail, taking advantage of my vulnerability, self doubts and inferiority complexes, petty ego and jealousies, and all those negatives things the other person was projecting on me. The only way I was worthy in those relationships were when I had something to give and my love was a commodity. Maybe not as black and white as that, there is much, much more to it. A lot more depth. They are people too.

Then I tried to interpret the rest of the dream and felt guilty over not being a better pet parent to Lilly and Bruno. The thought also morphed into how I was not taking better care of myself. How I was not nurturing myself and not watching out for that little girl.

Self doubt assails me, as if the girl was being told again and again how she doesn't ‘contribute’, is useless, never good enough.

The tears will take time to dry up, but to me that dream was all about love and affection. It is always there, returned or not, all through the dream. Love — rejected, given, not taken, not returned, but it was there constantly. I was going to be loving and affectionate. I was going to give all that I dint get. I was gonna show them.

I thought about all the times

Alone I chose to be, but for

The Sisters of My Soul.

They fed me, comforted me and

Sheltered me as I shook my head.

Their warmth like home and more.

Yet these mists, they persist.

Cushioning my mind, I couldn’t feel.

I began to see again, be again.

Their strength, I rose again,

For the Sisters of My Soul

Kept me going.

24 Oct, 2015, Saturday

Mists rising off Dolphin Nose, Kodaikanal

At the Farie Cottage for painting and expanding my horizons. Friends and nature taking care of my healing as I recovered from depression. Thought about all the strong women I have know and have lifted me up when I needed them the most.

Darling hurt as you are, forgive

Me and my anger high, I turn

Not wanting a hug, seeking solitude.

Hurt I am too, mean words said

Between us the dogs, unfed fish in the bowl.

I reach work, wishing the fight away.

You and I apart, not to my liking

This distance, seems very cold.

Waiting for this day to pass, happy

Our love is a constant companion.

People can wish to see or experience a particular thing. But when they actually are there, present in that moment and perceiving that thing, they are able to feel some of the the emotion or ‘feeling’ the artist had felt at the time of creation. It contains all the dreams, aura and energy and you experience it in its fullest form for a fleeting moment. And that fleeting moment is enough to change the viewer and his or her perception.

That is the experience I want my creativity to achieve since everything and everyone changes.

Glowing embers, fire low.

Gleaming trees, beckoning low light.

Stars are out, blinding eye.

The wind rose bringing the cold feeling,

A friend called, “Drink before the night ends.”

My thoughts turn to you beloved

For I know this too will pass,

And will wear off shine come morning.

23 Oct, 2015, Friday

At the Farie Guesthouse, Vattai

Arpana, Ruvina, Torpy, Shanu, Kevin, J, Aunty C, Yoga Master, Arjun

What really happened was we woke up at 5 AM to realize there is no electricity and its pitch black out. Not a torch or candle between us. My phone’s dead and her’s almost too. As if things weren't tough enough, there is no fucking water. And since there is no electricity, can’t switch on the pump either.

Our determination to get bombed and enjoy the sunrise to the highest, drove us into action and we grabbed the nearest vessel, deciding to head to the stream on the property for water. With the woods around us, the meager, almost-dead-cellphone light, wasn’t worth a fly’s fart in the darkness.

To get to the stream, we have to clamber over uneven steps and an equally uneven path. Once we cross that minefield, we had to traverse a bridge of uneven boards and many fallen victims. After which we hop off the bridge, slide down slippery dew-covered grass and if lucky, keep our feet and not fall into the stream. All this with the light from the screen of the phone.

Having finished with the bridge, as we crossed the grass, a terrifying thought occurred to me. We forgot about the fucking bison which like to drink at the stream and they usually do that at this time of the day or late at night. We were caught in the open and it was so dark we couldn’t see the noses on our stupid and terrified AF faces! I thought, “ This is my fate. I am going to be pulverized by an over sized and grumpy herbivore. People are going to find me with an extra hole in my bum you could drive a car through.”

As we peed our pants a little, we scanned the darkness around us and tried to see if a big, black, menacing shape was hurtling towards us. We didn't see anything (pun intended, it was as black as my aunt’s heart), nor did we hear anything. As I came out of the cardiac arrest I was having, I was relieved to keep my bum intact.

We survived all that with life and limb intact and freezing our appendages off since it was about 10 degrees. Quickly taking turns and getting startled often by faint sounds and movements, we finished our morning ‘prayers’ and head for Vattaikanal.

We caught up with S&J who made us our morning tea of ‘shrooms and off we went to see the sun, because the sunrise was long past. Before we took off on the walk down to Dolphin Nose, I did Surya Namaskar and I think I freaked out Pea a little. And the neighbors. They must have wondered what this woman was thinking, looking bombed AF, doing Yoga and wearing only a vest and cotton tights in that cold.

Finally closer to 9 AM, Pea and I finally managed to hit the road. I think all that walking got the ‘shrooms doing their job better and all I remember was a string of expletives following me back up the mountain. It appears that I just couldn't stop walking, no matter how steep the climb was. Like a goat on acid, I kept walking faster and faster as Pea fell behind. Hence the calls from behind, “Asshole where are you going? Wait for me!”. Which then later turned to, “I am gonna fucking kill you!”, “I hate you fucker!” and a choice few others. I laughed and I laughed till I almost rolled down the trail.

Boy, was that the best cup of morning tea ever!