you say it gets better

but you never really get over it

it hurts so much and you think you must have done something wrong because it hurts so much and you think maybe if I did something different if I were a better person if I said the right thing would they still be here?

and you think yes that’s probably true because everything you do has an impact words matter they taught you that

you heal

but it’s not like something that can ever heal you just sort of work around it like when someone has a stroke and the brain finds a way to work around the dead nerves so you can function but you’re not really the same as before but you can function you’re functioning and you think when you have kids you’ll tell your kids all about them but then you think is it even worth having kids if they never get to meet them?

so you function and you meet someone who reminds you of them and you fall in love and you think am I really in love or are they just a whisper of the thing I miss? and then they don’t really love you back and you think oh it must not have been real but it hurts like it was real

it hurts so much and you think I must have done something wrong because I hurt so much and you think maybe if I did something different if I was a better person if I said the right thing would they still be here?

and you think yes that’s probably true because everything you do has an impact words matter they taught you that.

So, no, you don’t really ever get over it.

2. a tent — for when you can’t make the car payments or your car breaks down, then you have somewhere to sleep

3. a storage facility — well, you don’t own it, you rent it. You don’t own anything

4. one cast iron pan — you can cook outdoors, indoors and it makes a great weapon if need be

5. a cell phone — even if you can’t afford minutes, a lot of places have free wi-fi, so people can stay in contact with you and you can try to find jobs

6. a lighter or matches — the ability to make fire is very useful

7. one, small suitcase of clothes — you don’t really need any more

8. an instrument — preferably small and portable. It’ll make you feel better about yourself as a person and can be entertaining at parties

9. a bottle of liquor — this should be kept in the car for emergencies

10. 2 or 3 maxed out credit cards — the only thing you really own is debt

11. a spare tire — trust me on this one

12. a blanket — kept in the car for emergencies

13. a utility knife, and/or small toolkit

14. a resume filled with jobs that have wasted your time and potential

15. napkins and plastic utensils you stole from fast food places — you don’t have time to eat

16. a to-go coffee cup/mug

17. a re-usable water container

18. shampoo/conditioner

19. 12 old headshots

20. a pile of old mail

21. ok, at this point I’m just naming all the things I own

22. regret

23. a waining sense of optimism for the future

24. crying

25. crying

26. drinking

27. headache

28. deep breaths

29. fill up the car with gas

30. drive

It started innocently enough, as most things do. When she was 11, she saw a particularly beautiful girl on TV. Gazing at herself in the mirror, what she saw was a far cry from the girl on TV. She spoke aloud, with the simple faith of a child. “I’d give my left pinkie finger to be as beautiful as her.”

And then it happened.

No more finger. Beautiful girl.

And she was beautiful. Everyone noticed it. Her glossy hair, her full lips, her wide, dancing eyes. The small imperfection of only being born with nine fingers was barely noticeable. In fact, the malady only served to enhance her beauty. “How brave, what courage.” To overcome such a disability with such grace.

It happened again when she was 18. She fell in love.

It was a terrible accident. He was driving. While she recovered, he realized he loved her. He would take care of her. A foot is an easy exchange for love.

It was all so easy.

A lung took her to Paris.

Her ears got her the dream job.

All the rest of her toes for the perfect dessert was a little silly, but it seemed worth it at the time.

Things started to get more difficult, but life is about difficult choices.

Her right leg (footless) was traded for new house.

Her hands for a happy future for her children. Left hand, right hand, one for each.

Her left leg (toeless) (and this one, she thought about a long time) was given away for 5 more years of life for her Dad.

You’d think the brain would be the hardest to let go, but no, the hardest was her mouth. This was traded for a day. One last perfect day with him. She still loved him after all these years. When he was gone she wouldn’t have anything to say anyway.

She gave and gave.

And one day. All that was left was her heart. Still beating, bloody, on the kitchen table.

And she was so happy.