The invitations don’t come as frequently these days

but man are they sent

at times a drafted text,

a response perhaps lost in the mail

But make no mistake

I want you here

.

Is it better for an invitation to go unanswered or to be swiftly declined?

One leaves room for the benefit of the doubt

The other — a clear message

But someone must be mistaken because these doubts only seem to come with detriments and no benefit at all

I want you here

.

The worries of

Did you get it?

Do you care?

Are you avoiding something, and is that something me?

Because could you come and would you come are two different questions

And I can’t bear the answers

I want you here

.

Maybe some people’s minds go to happy places with their doubts

But mine can only seem to assume the worst

That the invitation is unwelcome,

A confrontation that reminds us it’s been a while,

and discomforting like politics at a holiday dinner

.

So I’ll stop…

because somehow the detriments have clarified the doubts

…I guess that is a benefit after all

.

But make no mistake

I still want you here.

—

We bought matching water bottles on vacation

Said we wanted to be hydrated always

And not just with the regular stuff, but with living water

You didn’t have much appetite for it at first, it was never on the menu of your childhood dinner table

But over the years, you had tasted and seen, and I dreamed…

of a future where we were fully alive and aligned on something as simple and fundamental as water

The substance that makes up so much of our world and view of it

But you lost yours

The bottle left in some airport

the faith in God knows where

And I’m left here to drink this water by myself

thank God it satisfies

Nothing brings me closer to You than this

That sweet relief of knowing I’m in Your will

That You have spoken

And I actually heard…

And not only heard, but did!

Imagine my delight…

.

.

.

….Imagine Yours.

Like a game of tag, you’ve said “you’re it.”

Except instead of me running after you, I’ve turned away

And now question whether I still even want to play

Busy having my heart cared for, prepared with a lack of haste

For once, my head’s not stuck in the game when it usually is the quickest to chase

.

But why can’t we both be in pursuit at the same time?

Sure it means we’d collide, and probably butt heads…

But it’d also be explosive and wonderful and more like what was first said

“I think you’re great and I’d like to take you on a date.”

So simple and pure.

But this timing’s got us resembling more of a bait and lure.

The waiting, starts, and stops. They’d be enough to make anyone nauseous.

.

And though at times it may seem haphazard, could it be that the route is actually a bit more cautious?

Not just a straight shot to our final destination,

But avoiding dangers, crashes, and potholes

that would leave me far too fragile to ever reach my true goal.

.

So we’ll first make a pit stop at healing,

refuel with the Father’s love,

and rest at surrender.

.

.

Newly noticing that I’m no longer the driver.

Coronavirus has changed so much about how teachers interact with their students, if we’re lucky enough to get a hold of them at all. I went from having casual, daily conversations with my 7th graders to begging them to show up to my office hours so I can bask in their jovial innocence. Imagine having 75 children that you support academically, emotionally, and sometimes physically when one gets hungry, daily. Now imagine that you’ve lost all 75 voices, vibes, and personalities from your life in an instant. I never expected my students to leave such a large hole behind from their absence. Now looking back, it’s quite obvious why they did.

The day before schools closed was almost like any other day. I was reviewing for a test the next day (what was supposed to be the last day before Spring Break). Some students were nervous about rising cases of Coronavirus and many others were itching to get to Spring Break like me. However, I tried to assure them by saying, “Don’t worry, we only have one last day before Spring Break and you all have worked so hard on this unit. Please show up tomorrow so we can close out this chapter and celebrate when we get back!” Then, at the end of my last period, an email went out that said that school the following day was canceled and we would be beginning Spring Break a day early. Looking back now, I wish that email had come just a few hours sooner. I don’t mind that the students wouldn’t test or that there was no school at all. All I wanted was the chance to hug kids on their way out of my classroom and have a better goodbye than the “Review your notes tonight and sleep well for your test tomorrow!” that I left them with. Man, that test didn’t matter at all.

I had no idea that afternoon would turn into these months of chaos: trying to get computers to students for distance-learning, wrestling with my own mental health, and trying to motivate students who felt as at-a-loss as I did. Then again, who did? No one knew what this would turn into. To make matters worse, my school district anticipates a virtual start to the next school year in August. I’m having a hard time determining which is worse for teacher-student relationships: not getting the chance to have a proper goodbye or not being able to build trust with your students in person from the beginning of the year. Either way, I worry about how my twelve and thirteen-year-old students are taking and internalizing this more than I.

If I had to guess how this affects students… well, I simply can’t. I don’t know the specific mental states or home dynamics for each of my kids. But I do know that some of my kids must face things at home that I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. Things like having an incarcerated parent, not having enough gas money to make it to school every day, and being in and out of a hospital constantly due to siblings with chronic illness. The only things I can know for sure are the things that I miss doing for my kids. I miss guiding them through the hard act of learning something new. I miss giving them those all-important pep talks to boost their confidence before an assignment. I miss celebrating their wins and gains. I miss surprising them with dessert on random Fridays. I miss hearing how their weekends were or what crazy things their dogs did last week. I miss being their cheerleader. For a 12-year-old, I’d be afraid of losing a cheerleader.

So, to all the parents who are counting down the days until school starts back up again, please know that I am right there with you. If there’s anything this time has taught me, it is that I belong in the classroom and I thrive when working with students face-to-face. That is my place and I want to be there. That will remain true no matter how many times I come home needing to vent about my day. I would much rather make calls to parents to complain that Johnny isn’t taking his assignments seriously or that Sarah isn’t performing too well, than the calls I make today. Nowadays I make calls to parents for signs of life from their kids, like simply wanting to know if Eddie is doing alright because I know he can be tough on himself sometimes. It can sometimes be embarrassing when a parent answers my call, happy to hear from me, and I quickly ask “alright, may I speak to Aaliyah?” but hey, it’s the true reason I called.

This pandemic has taught me that I need my students as much as they need me. I can promise you that next year I will walk into the classroom a little differently, with a sharper focus in my eyes and a more tender heart. I will walk in with greater intentions to make the absolute most out of our year together. After all, I never want to waste another moment with students again. I refuse to let this be another thing I take for granted when we return to normal. People have said that the school year flies by, but no one prepared me to run out of days this quickly.

To my students, I miss you. Of course, I want you to remain safe and I know this closure was necessary. More than that, though, I want you to remain your quirky, hopeful, and innocent selves. I know I can’t do much more from where I stand as your teacher. But please know that your cheerleader remains in a distant corner, at least 6-feet away, rooting for you. She is also online during office hours from 3–4 pm every day and would love for you to stop by. 😊

The names of students have been changed to protect their identities.

January is over and so are many people’s resolutions. I set a resolution to read at least 1 book a month and surprised myself by finishing 4 books this past month! (Shoutout to the app Libby which allows me to listen to audiobooks or read ebooks for free with my local library card) Here are some thoughts, reflections, meaningful quotes that I am walking away with:

1. Becoming — Michelle Obama

This book was very insightful into political life in general and the family life of a family that I have adored from afar for years. Even when I didn’t think it was possible to gain more respect for the Obamas, here I stand corrected. I don’t think that I had ever wondered what made Michelle Obama the powerhouse of a woman that she is today, but not seeking the answer to that question would’ve been a big mistake. Hearing her backstory is helping to connect the dots in my own experiences and opportunities. I hope to empower women with even half the gusto that Michelle has within my lifetime.

Main takeaway: I’m almost split 50/50 between considering entering the political arena at some point in my life and also not wanting to touch it with a 10-foot pole. 😅

2. The Hate U Give — Angie Thomas

This was a moving book about realities I have never experienced before: living among gangs, experiencing police brutality, witnessing tragedy, and fighting for a cause so close to home it hurts. The only pieces I can say I truly identify with is sometimes being the only person of color in a friend group, advanced class, etc. and having hope that my own advocacy will one day lead to necessary change in this world. This was also the first fiction book I’ve read in a while and it did not disappoint because of its relevance to today’s society. With events happening all over the country involving black men, women, and children being mistreated, killed, and then denied the justice they deserve, there couldn’t have been a better time to read this book, unfortunately.

Main takeaway: There is always room to regret staying silent on issues but you will never regret speaking up for the things that matter in the world.

3. The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up — Marie Kondo

I finally understand the references people make when they ask “well does it spark joy?”! Moving out of where I lived for three years during college made me get rid of most of my “junk” and I haven’t carried much of it with me to Houston. However, I can guarantee that I do not use every single item, and particularly every article of clothing, in my current apartment. While I have yet to put this method into motion in my own life, the book made a lot of sense regarding how clutter significantly affects the home AND mind. I do hope to make time for this process soon, which should be easy thanks to the books’ effective lists, steps, and suggestions. More than anything, I wanted to pass on this knowledge to some people in my life who I know should use it (I won’t call any names but if you’re getting a weird feeling in your chest that this might be referring to you… Assume it is and go address it 😊) However, there were some weird parts of the book where Kondo started suggesting we talk to inanimate objects and that’s where she lost me. I don’t think I’ll begin thanking my clothes and toothbrushes for their hard work anytime soon.

Main takeaway: “You won’t know what you need until you know what you don’t need, and humans need far less than we think.” — Marie Kondo

4. Girl, Wash Your Face — Rachel Hollis

This book meant to dispel many lies women tell themselves and ones that society subconsciously promotes every day. Lies about success, beauty, love, friendship, and pride were among the many topics discussed. I felt that most of the chapters in this book weren’t pieces of world-shattering news to me but I can imagine it being groundbreaking for others who may have never heard anything like it. I’m thankful that Jesus and the Word of God shed a daily light into my life that constantly tears down what society expects and thinks of me and replaces it with the truth of my Creator. After all, I appreciate what Hollis is doing in sharing these truths with the world, and Lord knows that countless women need to hear it. Some reviews that I read online were bashing Hollis for speaking from her “white privilege” but I truly believe that is the beauty of literature. People speak from where they come from. She spoke from her own experiences, on which she alone is an expert. It is up to each one of us to share our voices so that there isn’t only one narrative being broadcasted that doesn’t reflect the experiences of everyone else. I know this is also largely determined by who society unfairly deems worthy of broadcasting and offering a fair shot, which historically does not lean in the favor of women of color. We’ll have to leave that discussion for another day… However, I did not think Hollis’s words were entirely dismissable and I am thankful for her efforts.

Main takeaway: While reading, I was constantly reminded of John 16:33 in the Bible, which says, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” Jesus truly offers what the world cannot, the truth of how we were designed to function, and how the world cannot deliver the things we need.

Cultural Self Reflection Essay

Life as a person of multiracial descent can have its pros and cons. While each person’s experience will always be uniquely their own, there are often commonalities present no matter what the demographics of a multiracial person may be. These are often sentiments of feeling divided, without a home or even confused about their identity; they can also be sentiments of pride, unity, or peacemaking. I briefly mention my own experience in this essay I completed for my Intercultural Communication class during Fall 2017 at the University of Florida.

Every time I encounter someone new, one of the first questions out of their mouth is something along the lines of “what are you?”, “where are you from?”, or “what’s your background?” While this may have been annoying at first, I have learned to embrace it. After all, I cannot blame people for being curious considering the answer to their questions. According to my parents, I am Indian, Chinese, Black, and Lebanese, but my parents were born in Jamaica and my step-father is Dominican. This means that I can personally identify with Black, White, Asian, Arab, and Hispanic cultures.

This mash-up of so many different cultures certainly has its pros and cons. One pro is that I get a taste of many more cultures on a personal level than the average person. Those tastes have developed into an appreciation for diversity in all its forms and have led me to adopt an open-mind and inquisitive nature. I am always ready to try a new cuisine, listen to music from a foreign culture, attend plays and events that showcase a hidden cultural talent, learn how to advocate for those different from me, and much more. I have seen the beauty that diversity brings to the table and it has made me into a xenophile and citizen of the world, but this certainly doesn’t mean I know everything or don’t have my share of biases.

On the other hand, there are occasionally moments where I envy the fact that many other people have their families laid out so simply and concretely. For instance, my best friend is Colombian and both she and her parents were born and raised in Colombia. It seems so “easy” to know one thing and know it well. There is no confusion, no ambiguity, no room for questions. When people ask where she is from, she says… Colombia. All that is left is purely Colombian heritage for generations back and the pride and history that come along with it. Also, there is a certain level of trust that comes from homogeneity in culture, especially when what you look like matches what you’re saying. I have often had people not believe me when I tell them my background. They don’t believe that my maternal great grandfather was fully Chinese or that my paternal grandfather was fully Lebanese simply because that’s not what my appearance immediately suggests. Sometimes it can be offensive to have people question your history and your family as if you are making it all up and your family is illegitimate.

Furthermore, I have also experienced not being able to dive into any one culture completely. There have always been voices and feelings deep down that tell me I am not “blank” enough, be that black, white, Arab, Asian, or Hispanic at any given time. As a result, I used to not fare well in homogenous groups of people where I stuck out like a sore thumb. Even if I was “justified” in being there because of my heritage, I would still not feel like I belong there 100 percent.

I suppose that is the tradeoff that I must make daily. Do I embrace and cherish the fact that I can “blend in” with many different people, or do I lament in the fact that I do not have one true home? To me, it does not make sense to worry about the things in life that you cannot change. My background is not something I chose. As we discussed in class, it would be best to learn how to use my specific position and the privileges that come with it to better my community and become an advocate. More specifically, I try to reach out and simply show love to international students, people of any kind of minority, and everyone in between. I know what it’s like to not exactly belong and I don’t want to leave others feeling that way. If I, as a person who can maybe relate to them in the slightest sense, can show love and appreciation to people of various backgrounds, then I can pave the way for others who have nothing in common with these people to do the same. That line of thinking guides my everyday steps in a variety of subjects and contributes to my vision for a better tomorrow that begins with each of us today.

This appreciation will also serve me better as a leader because I will have a higher sensitivity to the needs and desires of an ever-evolving multi-cultural workforce. Society’s demographics are changing, as more people migrate from nearly every nation and corner of the Earth, settle down and possibly start interracial families, enroll in higher education in America, and more. Managing teams and leading organizations is no longer a cookie-cutter process; methods are becoming as dynamic as the people they serve. Having an appreciation for people as a whole allows you to implement policies that consider everyone and leave everyone feeling valued. If that isn’t the basis for humanity, I’m not sure what is. That is why I have been excited to use my distinctive background and apply it to this course because I know that there is still much to learn about intercultural communication.

In the end, I’m not sure what to classify myself as other than simply Sianne. While I haven’t been explicitly discriminated against because of my family, I also try my best to not discriminate within myself. I don’t want to pick and choose which of my ethnicities I showcase at any given point and I don’t want to value any one over the other. That makes it difficult when people want to just classify me as one thing and I make it a point to explain the many others at the expense of being told I am “extra” or “grasping at strings”. But this surely isn’t something I have always fought for. Diversity has been a fascination of mine my whole life and I am still learning more and more about it every day. I just hope that by the end of my life, I can truly see people for people and appreciate all the different identities and contexts that come with each matchless individual, including myself.

Originally published on September 15, 2017.