If I allow myself to go back there, I can feel again the feelings I felt on 9/11, as vivid as they were that day.

I can feel again the primal need to get away from the windowless conference room I was in with uncaring colleagues from all over the world.

I can feel again the confusion I felt from being with people who were actually able to continue the day’s activities.

I can feel again the rage I felt when a colleague cracked a joke about the whole thing.

I can feel again the fear I felt as I went to go get my middle-school son to safety.

I can feel again the panic I felt at not knowing exactly where to go or what to do.

I can feel again the conflict I felt in needing to turn off the television but being unable to do so.

I can feel again the disorientation I felt from the deafening silence in the air when they grounded all the planes.

Yes, I can feel it all again like it’s still happening.

I’ve had periods of success since, but workaholism will do that. I was unwell when 9/11 happened, with Bipolar, but that day added a wrinkle I’ve never addressed.

That day changed me somehow, and I’ve done nothing but refuse to accept this. This refusal has kept me from trying to get well.

The denial is over, so I suppose that makes today the first day of my recovery.

I’ve just been fired for the second time in my life, both in the the last year. I’ve lost my six-figure income and I’m screwed. I don’t blame anybody but myself, though, as that would be weak thing to do.

A possible explanation is that the mood disorder I have plays hell with a nuanced mind in a world of slogans and memes. I’m easily frustrated by the need to boil everything down to 11-words or less (preferably with pictures).

I don’t know if the world has changed and I’ve failed to adapt, or if I’ve changed and the world is how it’s always been. Either way, I know I should face life on life’s terms. I’m miserable because I don’t.

I’m doing a lousy job managing my triggers. I need to get better. I need to be better. I joined this community to try and self-improve. I know I’m not alone with my disease, so I’m here to read as much as I am to write.