I owe the start of my career to BuzzFeed; that is a fact. It was the only NYC company I applied to that hired me, knowing full well I lived in Texas. I was only on their payroll for four months — the length of the editorial fellowship — and when I learned I would not be hired as staff full-time, I was devasted, to say the least.

Actually, I went into a pretty serious depression, one I had never experienced before, nor have ever experienced again. I moved across the country, left all my friends and family, for this job, and not getting a full-time position out of it felt like I had failed.

The fellowship was a great way to learn the industry, but it was rough. I constantly felt like nothing I did was good enough. I had articles get one million, two million views, yet still felt they were failures.

When I left the BuzzFeed office for the last time, I honestly didn’t know what I was supposed to do. My entire identity was wrapped up in my job. That was gone now, so who was I?

It’s taken me an embarrassingly long time to realize that not getting hired full-time at BuzzFeed was a major blessing in disguise.

If they had hired me, I wouldn’t have gotten an internship at Time Inc., where I met one of my now-close friends. I wouldn’t have come across the writing job at MTV News. I wouldn’t have made the connections I did. I wouldn’t have developed a personal brand for myself that is totally unique. Do you really think I would have written hundreds of articles about classic Disney and Nickelodeon shows had I been hired at BuzzFeed? It’s doubtful.

I wouldn’t have gotten to interview so many celebrities I grew up watching and adoring. They wouldn’t know who I was; we wouldn’t be friends on social media. I wouldn’t be able to just message them whenever I see a fan theory and ask, “IS THIS TRUE? YES OR NO?!”

I wouldn’t have met another one of my now-close friends at MTV News had BuzzFeed hired me. I wouldn’t have been on Butch Hartman’s podcast or hung out with Coach Bolton (aka Bart Johnson) outside a Starbucks in L.A. I wouldn’t have made several friends, who are now very dear to me, had I not written articles about them.

I wouldn’t have learned the ins and outs of working with Snapchat for Seventeen. I wouldn’t have added ‘leader of a small team’ to my resume. I wouldn’t have been slimed at an official Nickelodeon event or interviewed Kel Mitchell while wearing “Kenan & Kel” shoes. I wouldn’t be the person I am today: the weird, why-does-she-always-talk-about-Drake-&-Josh girl who has been so lucky to cover topics I’m passionate about for several major publications.

The recent BuzzFeed layoffs have been quite sobering for me as I helplessly watch the majority of my former co-workers lose the jobs they’ve had for years. Had BuzzFeed hired me back in May 2015, and I stayed there all this time, I would have lost that job today. My entire fellowship class is now gone from BuzzFeed. But because I didn’t get hired there, I was able to expand my resume, meet lots of new people, and learn all kinds of skills and content management systems. God really does work in mysterious ways.

Media is not exactly a nurturing environment. I learned that the hard way nearly four years ago. But since that horrible, horrible day, I realize it was actually the best possible thing that could’ve happened to me.