Most of us grow up believing that resilience means “bouncing back.” We admire people who seem to recover quickly after setbacks and assume they simply have an inner strength that others don’t.

But what if resilience isn’t about returning to who you were before life knocked you down?

What if it’s about becoming someone new because of what you’ve experienced?

Life unfolds in seasons. We leave school and enter the workforce. We build careers, begin relationships, become parents, care for ageing loved ones, change careers, experience loss, or find ourselves asking deeper questions about purpose and meaning. Each new phase brings opportunities, challenges, and uncertainty.

These transitions don’t just change our circumstances — they change us. They challenge our beliefs, priorities, confidence, and identity.

Resilience is what helps us navigate these moments of change. It’s not about pretending everything is okay or forcing ourselves to “stay positive.” It’s the ability to adapt, learn, and continue moving forward while staying connected to what matters most.

Why Life Naturally Comes in Phases

Think back to who you were ten years ago.

Your priorities were probably different. Your relationships may have changed. Perhaps your career has taken an unexpected direction, or you’ve experienced events that reshaped your outlook on life.

This is completely normal.

Psychologists have long recognised that identity is not fixed. Rather than becoming one version of ourselves forever, we continue developing throughout our lives. Every major transition asks us to let go of an old identity while gradually stepping into a new one.

Sometimes these transitions are exciting.

• Starting your first job
• Getting married
• Moving to a new city
• Beginning a business

Other times they’re painful.

• Losing someone you love
• Being made redundant
• Experiencing burnout
• Facing illness
• Ending a relationship

Regardless of whether the change is welcomed or unexpected, each transition raises similar questions:

“Who am I now?”

“What matters most?”

“Where do I go from here?”

These questions aren’t signs that something is wrong. They’re signs that you’re growing.

What Resilience Really Means

Research shows that resilience isn’t a personality trait that only a few lucky people possess. Instead, it’s a set of skills and processes that can be developed over time.

Developmental psychologist Ann Masten famously described resilience as “ordinary magic.” Her research showed that resilience grows through everyday experiences and supportive relationships rather than extraordinary abilities.

In other words, resilience isn’t about never struggling.

It’s about learning how to respond when life inevitably becomes difficult.

Resilient people still experience disappointment, fear, grief, and uncertainty. The difference is that they gradually develop the confidence to work through those experiences instead of becoming defined by them.

Like a muscle, resilience grows stronger with practice.

When Challenges Become Identity Challenges

One reason life transitions can feel so overwhelming is that they rarely affect only one part of our lives.

They often challenge how we see ourselves.

Perhaps you’ve always been “the successful one.”

Then you lose your job.

Maybe you’ve always been the person everyone relies on.

Then you become the one needing support.

Perhaps you’ve built your identity around being productive and ambitious.

Then burnout forces you to slow down.

These moments can leave us feeling as though we’ve lost ourselves.

In reality, we’re not losing ourselves.

We’re outgrowing an identity that no longer fits.

Resilience helps us make that transition without becoming trapped by fear or self-doubt.

Four Foundations of Identity Resilience

While every person’s journey is unique, four practices consistently help people navigate life’s transitions with greater resilience.

1. Know What Anchors You

When circumstances change, it’s easy to feel as though everything is uncertain.

That’s why it’s important to identify what remains constant.

Your values.

Your character.

Your strengths.

Your deepest motivations.

Careers change. Roles change. Relationships change.

Your values become your anchor.

Ask yourself:

• What matters most to me?
• What kind of person do I want to be, regardless of my circumstances?
• Which strengths have helped me through previous challenges?

These questions help create stability when everything else feels uncertain.

2. Allow Your Identity to Evolve

Many of us hold tightly to labels we’ve carried for years.

“I’m the responsible one.”

“I’m the high achiever.”

“I’m the caregiver.”

“I’m the people pleaser.”

While these identities may have served us at one stage of life, they can become limiting if we refuse to adapt.

Growth often requires releasing an old version of ourselves.

Instead of asking,

“How do I get back to who I was?”

try asking,

“Who is this experience inviting me to become?”

That simple shift opens the door to growth instead of resistance.

3. Build Self-Trust Through Small Actions

Confidence isn’t something we suddenly discover.

It grows through evidence.

Every time you make a difficult decision, keep a promise to yourself, or take a small step despite uncertainty, you strengthen your self-trust.

You don’t need all the answers before moving forward.

You only need enough courage to take the next step.

Small actions repeated consistently become powerful proof that you can handle whatever comes next.

4. Create Meaning From Your Experiences

One of the most powerful resilience skills is learning to make meaning from life’s challenges.

Instead of asking,

“Why is this happening to me?”

consider asking,

“What is this experience teaching me?”

This doesn’t mean every hardship happens for a reason.

Rather, it means we have the ability to decide what we carry forward from difficult experiences.

Many people discover greater compassion, wisdom, patience, confidence, or purpose because of the challenges they’ve overcome.

Our experiences become part of our story — not the whole story.

Practical Ways to Strengthen Resilience Every Day

Building resilience doesn’t require dramatic life changes.

It grows through small, consistent habits.

Here are a few practices you can begin today:

Reflect regularly. Spend a few minutes each week writing about what you’ve learned, what’s changing, and how you’re growing.

Strengthen your support network. Resilience doesn’t mean facing everything alone. Reach out to people who encourage and challenge you in healthy ways.

Look after your wellbeing. Good sleep, regular movement, healthy nutrition, and time to rest all improve your ability to cope with stress.

Celebrate small wins. Progress isn’t measured only by major achievements. Every small step builds confidence and momentum.

Practice self-compassion. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a close friend. Growth takes time, and setbacks are part of the journey.

Reflection Questions for Your Next Life Transition

Whether you’re navigating change now or preparing for what’s ahead, these questions can help you reflect:

• Which part of my identity no longer fits the person I’m becoming?
• What strengths have I developed through past challenges?
• What values will guide me through this next chapter?
• What small action can I take this week that reflects the person I want to become?

You don’t need to have every answer today.

You simply need to remain open to growth.

Becoming, Not Returning

Life rarely gives us the opportunity to return to who we once were.

Nor should it.

Every challenge leaves its mark. Every season teaches us something new. Every transition offers an invitation to grow.

Resilience isn’t about pretending life is easy or rushing through difficult emotions.

It’s about trusting that even in uncertainty, you can adapt, learn, and continue becoming a wiser, stronger, and more authentic version of yourself.

The goal isn’t to bounce back.

The goal is to move forward with greater self-awareness, deeper self-trust, and the quiet confidence that whatever life brings next, you’ll continue growing into the person you’re meant to become.

What Does “Resilience” Actually Mean? was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Have you ever stopped yourself from doing something because you felt you didn’t have enough information, experience, or confidence yet?

Take the gym, for example.

Many people avoid joining a gym because they feel self-conscious. They worry that everyone is watching them, judging them, or that they won’t know how to use the equipment properly.

In a survey of 2,000 adults in the United Kingdom, 50% reported feeling unmotivated to go to the gym because of the perceived culture of judgment.

Around a quarter felt too embarrassed to exercise there, while others worried about what experienced gym-goers would think of them.

Ironically, many people believe they need to get into better shape before going to the gym — the very place designed to help them get into shape.

The same thing happens in almost every area of life.

• We hesitate to start a business because we don’t know enough.
• We postpone changing careers because we’re unsure it’s the right move.
• We delay pursuing meaningful goals because we believe we need more certainty before taking the first step.

But the real issue isn’t a lack of information.

It’s something deeper.

We Don’t Procrastinate Because We Need More Information

When you’ve spent weeks — or even months — researching and planning, procrastination is rarely about knowledge.

More often, it’s about what that next step represents.

1. Overwhelm

Many of life’s biggest decisions come with countless possibilities.

• Which career should you pursue?
• Where should you live?
• Should you start the business?
• Is this the right relationship?

The more options we have, the harder it becomes to choose.

Psychologists have long observed this phenomenon. In the famous “Jam Study,” shoppers presented with 24 varieties of jam were less likely to make a purchase than those presented with only six options.

Too many choices can make us freeze.

When every option seems important, committing to any one path can feel like closing the door on all the others.

2. Fear of Failure and Regret

What if it doesn’t work out? What if the business fails?

What if the career change turns out to be a mistake? What if the relationship isn’t right?

These questions often sit beneath our hesitation.

Alongside the fear of failure is the fear of regret. If things go wrong, we’ll have nobody to blame but ourselves.

Staying where we are may not make us happy, but it can feel safer than risking disappointment.

3. Perfectionism

Most of us want to do well at things that matter.

The problem is that every meaningful pursuit requires us to be a beginner first.

When we care deeply about something, perfectionism often goes into overdrive.

We tell ourselves:

• “I’ll start when I’m ready.”
• “I’ll launch when it’s good enough.”
• “I’ll apply once I know more.”

In reality, perfectionism is often an attempt to protect our self-image.

If we never start, we never have to confront the possibility of not being exceptional immediately.

The Hidden Role of Identity

Whenever we make significant changes in life, our identity is involved.

The transition from teenager to adult. From single to married. From employee to entrepreneur. From one career to another.

What often gets overlooked is that identity doesn’t change overnight.

It develops gradually.

You didn’t become a parent the moment your child was born.

You became a parent through sleepless nights, difficult moments, lessons learned, and countless acts of care.

Likewise, when I transitioned from a corporate career into freelancing, my identity didn’t shift instantly. It evolved through experience.

Every meaningful change requires us to grow into a new version of ourselves.

Identity Is Built Through Exploration

Psychologist James Marcia proposed four identity statuses:

1. Identity Diffusion: You haven’t explored your options and haven’t committed to anything meaningful yet.
2. Identity Foreclosure: You commit to an identity without exploring alternatives. For example, becoming a doctor because everyone in your family is a doctor.
3. Identity Moratorium: An active period of exploration. You experiment with different jobs, interests, relationships, and possibilities to discover what fits.
4. Identity Achievement: You commit to an identity, path, or direction after exploration. This commitment is intentional and personally meaningful.

For many adults, identity isn’t a one-time process. We move through cycles of exploration and commitment throughout life.

Marcia called this pattern the MAMA Cycle:

Moratorium → Achievement → Moratorium → Achievement

We explore. We commit. Life changes.

Then we explore again.

This certainly happened to me when I returned to university in my late thirties to pursue psychology.

The Myth of One True Purpose

Many of us still carry an idea from childhood:

That somewhere out there is one perfect purpose, one perfect career, one perfect goal, or one perfect soulmate.

If only we could identify it, everything would fall into place.

The problem is that this belief often keeps us stuck.

We become so focused on finding the “right” answer that we stop ourselves from exploring possibilities.

When I decided to transition from marketing into psychology research and writing, I felt I needed complete clarity before moving forward.

I thought I needed to know exactly what I would write about.

Exactly what my business would become. Exactly where everything was heading.

But I eventually learned something important:

Clarity doesn’t come before action. It comes from action.

Taking Action Means Exploring

“When we fixate on finding one singular purpose, we rule out the side quests that help us grow the most.” — Anne-Laure Le Cunff

Exploration is not wasted time. Exploration is how identity develops.

A university student might try several internships before finding a career that fits.

A professional considering a career change might take evening classes or volunteer in a new field.

Someone interested in making a social impact might volunteer with nonprofits before deciding whether that path feels meaningful.

The same principle applies to personal goals.

If you want to improve your fitness, the gym isn’t your only option.

You might try:

• Running
• Dance classes
• Functional fitness
• Yoga
• Martial arts
• Group training

When I wanted to exercise more consistently, I experimented with kickboxing, hot yoga, Barre, and HIIT classes.

Eventually, I discovered that I preferred training alone, on my own schedule, and that strength training suited me best.

Without exploration, I never would have known.

You Can’t Think Your Way Into Clarity

We spend a lot of time imagining possibilities.

We imagine what a career will be like, what a relationship will be like, and how a business might work.

But imagination only gets us so far. Reality provides information that thinking never can.

Dating someone teaches you more than imagining them.

Working in a field teaches you more than researching it. Starting a business teaches you more than planning it.

Exploration creates evidence.

Evidence creates clarity.

Clarity Comes From Taking Action

Martin Luther King Jr. once said:

“Take the first step in faith. Yo u don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

You cannot figure out your life entirely from inside your head.

If an idea only exists in your imagination, it remains a possibility rather than a reality.

We learn and become through action.

• A parent becomes a parent through parenting.
• A dancer becomes a dancer through dancing.
• A writer becomes a writer through writing.

And a new version of you emerges through the choices you make and the actions you take.

The question isn’t whether you have enough clarity.

The question is:

What is the smallest step you can take today toward the person you’re becoming?

What I Got Wrong About Finding My Purpose was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Does this sound familiar?

You start a new project full of enthusiasm. You promise yourself you’ll work on it for three hours a day, at the same time, every day. This time will be different. This time you’ll be disciplined.

And then… you stop.

You get stuck.

I’ve been there too. I’ve started strong, stayed “good” for about two weeks, and then fallen off track. For the longest time, I told myself the problem was a lack of discipline. So I did what many of us do — I turned to productivity books, habit frameworks, and strategies like “eat the frog” or “tiny habits.”

But instead of progress, I ended up in a loop — reading things I already knew, yet somehow failing to apply them. The result? Frustration and disappointment.

So what’s really going on?

The Illusion of the “Fresh Start”

We’re most motivated to begin when we feel like we’re turning a new page.

Psychologists call this the fresh start effect, often triggered by temporal landmarks — moments that separate our “old self” from our “new self.” Think New Year’s Day, birthdays, or even Mondays.

That’s why challenges like “Dry January” or “75 Hard” explode in popularity at certain times of the year.

But these landmarks don’t have to be universal. Turning 40, going through a breakup, or entering a new life stage can all create that same “this is my moment” energy.

The problem? That surge doesn’t last.

The Motivation Roller Coaster

At the start of any goal, motivation is high. Writing things down, creating a vision board, or opening a fresh planner makes your goals feel tangible — almost inevitable.

But that excitement fades quickly.

In fact, data from Strava shows that 50% of people abandon fitness goals within two weeks.

Two weeks.

That initial spark dies down, and suddenly the goal feels heavier, harder, and further away.

But here’s something interesting: motivation doesn’t just decline.

It comes back.

Why You Suddenly Care Again (Right Before the Deadline)

This is known as the goal gradient effect.

The closer you get to the finish line, the more motivated you feel.

Think about running a race. When you see the finish line, you instinctively speed up. Or consider how productive you become the night before a deadline.

Even apps and surveys use this — progress bars exist to keep you going.

So if motivation naturally spikes at the start and the end, what happens in between?

The Problem: The Messy Middle

The middle is where most goals die.

It’s where motivation is low, progress feels slow, and the finish line is nowhere in sight.

And here’s where something else comes into play: your sense of power.

Why Some People Push Through (and Others Don’t)

Research shows that people who feel a higher sense of personal power — control over their lives, autonomy, and influence — are less affected by how far away a goal feels.

They take action more easily.

On the other hand, those who feel less power tend to overthink, hesitate, and get stuck in analysis.

But this isn’t about labeling yourself as “high power” or “low power.” It’s about recognizing how your mindset affects your behavior — and adjusting your approach.

Not All Goals Are Created Equal

Another reason we get stuck? Some goals simply aren’t aligned with who we are.

According to self-determination theory, we’re more likely to stick with goals that satisfy three core needs:

• Competence: Feeling capable and improving
• Relatedness: Feeling connected to others (or an identity)
• Autonomy: Feeling in control of your choices

Take fitness as an example.

At first, the gym can feel intimidating. But as you improve, you feel more competent — and that fuels motivation.

You may also start identifying with a certain lifestyle or group, such as being a bodybuilder or runner (even mentally), which builds a sense of relatedness.

And choosing to take control of your health strengthens your autonomy.

But if a goal doesn’t fit you — like forcing yourself into workouts you hate or diets you can’t sustain — it’s no surprise you lose motivation.

Sometimes, it’s not you.

It’s the goal.

So, How Do You Get Unstuck?

Motivation isn’t constant. It ebbs and flows. The key isn’t to rely on it — it’s to work with it.

Here’s how:

1. Plan for Low-Motivation Days

You will have days where you feel “meh.” That’s normal.

Instead of fighting it, prepare for it:

• Take a deliberate break
• Change your environment
• Move your body (even a short walk helps)
• Do just one small task

Progress doesn’t have to be perfect — it just has to continue.

2. Take Back Your Power

Feeling stuck often comes with feeling powerless.

To counter this:

• Focus on what you can control
• Shift your internal dialogue
• Celebrate small wins

We’re often our own harshest critics. Research has shown that when we have low power, our motivation dips in response to negative feedback. What happens if you start giving yourself positive feedback instead?

A simple shift in mindset can restore your sense of agency — and that’s where action begins.

3. Close the Gap Between You and Your Goal

Big goals feel overwhelming because they’re too far away from your current self.

So reduce the psychological distance.

• Break them into smaller milestones
• Make your actions specific and actionable
• Build systems, not just intentions

For example, instead of saying “eat healthier,” aim to cook five dinners a week with fresh ingredients.

Clarity reduces resistance.

Final Thought

We’ve all been there — stuck, frustrated, and wondering why we can’t just “get it together.”

But you’re not broken.

You’re human.

Motivation rises and falls. That’s part of the process.

Getting unstuck doesn’t require a complete overhaul. It just requires movement — however small.

Because once you start moving again, momentum follows.

Why You Keep Getting Stuck (and How to Finally Move Forward) was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

As we approach the end of the year, many of us fall into a familiar ritual: looking back at what we didn’t achieve and feeling guilty about it.

Are you still holding onto the same 10 (or 20) pounds?
Still “researching” your business idea instead of building it?
Still “wondering” whether you should finally take that certification programme to level up your skills?

Don’t worry — you’re not alone.

A 2020 study of 1.4 million MyFitnessPal users found that only 18.2% of weight-loss goals were achieved. If you’re a “glass half empty” person, that means about 81% of goals weren’t met. Many of us are excellent at setting goals, but far less effective at following through.

I include myself in that statistic. At the start of the year, I set a goal to hit the gym four times a week in hopes of losing the proverbial 10 pounds. I’m not overweight, but like most of us, I have a few jiggly bits that add up. Unsurprisingly, my goals ended up joining the 81% that quietly disappear into the void where forgotten goals go to die.

When Goals are Too Easy, We Still Fail

Interestingly, the researchers have also found that when goals were too easy such as losing 1 or 2 percent of their body weight for example, people ended up not only not losing any weight, they ended up gaining weight instead. In contrast, 90% of people who set harder goals end up losing weight, even if they don’t meet their target weight loss.

It raises an interesting question:
Were your unachieved goals too easy? Too hard?
Did you actually make progress but still label the goal a failure because the outcome didn’t match the exact number you set?

When Goals Feel Too Far Away

One of the biggest issues is that we often set goals that are too abstract:

• “I want to be rich by next year.”
• “I want to lose weight.”

Or we swing the other way: goals so unrealistic they feel impossible.

In psychology, this is called psychological distance — the perceived distance between your current self and your envisioned goals and outcomes.

If you’ve never run more than a mile, attempting a marathon as your first race is going to feel like climbing Everest. And speaking of Everest, imagining yourself at the summit is inspiring, but it won’t get you there. What will get you there is something far less glamorous: logging the training hours week after week.

Abstract goals fuel motivation.
Concrete goals drive action.

Both matter — but only one shortens the distance between where you are and where you want to be.

Why Some Goals Motivate Us — and Others Don’t

Take weight loss. Thinking about long-term health benefits doesn’t always spark action. It’s too distant, too conceptual.

But thinking about having more energy tomorrow, or feeling confident in the mirror today?
That feels immediate. It gives your brain something tangible to work with.

When our goals feel closer, we move toward them.
When they feel far away, we stay stuck.

Most of the time, we aren’t resisting change — we’re just not setting goals in a way that supports it.

Systems Over Outcomes

This isn’t a SMART-goal workshop. Instead, I want to highlight a quote from James Clear in Atomic Habits:

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. Your goal is your desired outcome. Your system is the collection of daily habits that get you there.”

We spend so much time talking about outcomes — how much money we want to make, how many kilos we want to lose — but these don’t help us on the days when motivation disappears.

What does help?
A system that carries you forward anyway.

Think about entrepreneurship. Sure, it’s lovely to imagine becoming the next breakout success and getting interviewed by Oprah. But the dream doesn’t build your business.

The daily, repetitive work does:
Creating products.
Serving clients.
Publishing content.
Showing up even when you don’t feel like it.

Just like an athlete training for the Olympics, you win through repetition, not inspiration.

Your goals don’t create success.
Your systems do.

Examples of Systems That Work

Here are a few everyday systems that reduce psychological distance:

• Weight loss: Work out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 8 a.m.
• Building an online business: Publish three pieces of content every week.
• Relationships: Eat dinner at the table with your partner every evening — phones away.
• Health: Cook at home six days a week.

As world-class long-distance runner Rosemary Wanjiru once said:

“When the training is hard, the win is easy.”

Your habits — not your goals — decide your trajectory.

Identity: The Final Layer of Change

James Clear also talks about identity-based habits. Most people think change happens like this:

Outcome → System → Identity

But real change works in reverse:

Identity → System → Outcome

Instead of saying, “I want to run a 5K,”
say, “I am a runner.”

Athletes don’t wake up wondering whether they feel like training.
They train because it’s part of who they are.

When your identity shifts, so does your behaviour.
You stop negotiating with yourself.
You simply follow through because the action matches who you believe you are.

That is how you eliminate psychological distance.
That is how goals become inevitable.

Bridging the Gap in the New Year

As you begin setting goals for the new year, think beyond the outcomes you want.

Ask yourself:

• How can I reduce the distance between the goal and who I am today?
• What systems can I build that support consistency?
• What identity aligns with the person I want to become?
• How can I lower daily barriers?
  (Do I lay out my gym clothes? Pre-prep meals? Schedule writing time?)

Only you can close the gap between the life you have and the one you want.

Shorten the psychological distance.
Anchor your habits.
Become the person your goals require.

Your outcomes will follow. Here’s to an amazing 2026.

Closing the Gap Between Who You Are and Who You Want to Be was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” — Jack Canfield

I hate change. My husband gets terribly amused whenever we change anything in our home because I take a while to decide on what to change and then I take some more time to get used to the change.

A few years ago, we changed the dining table. According to my dear husband, he said I would sit and stare at the new dining table, as if to reconcile with the change in my head which was true.

For a few weeks, I hated the dining table. I felt it was too big and incompatible with our décor. I was staring at it to decide if I can live with it or whether to return it. Eventually, I grew to accept that the table was fine and worked well in my home and now I like it as much as one can like one’s dining table.

An extreme fear of change is known as metathesiophobia. This is the condition whereby any changes can induce severe anxiety in individuals.

My fear of change is certainly not extreme, I was not dry heaving over the change of a dining table. However, it caused enough discomfort for me to re-evaluate my options fearing that I had made the wrong choice. More typically, however, we may experience a fear of change especially when it comes to bigger decisions in life such as changing jobs, moving countries, and starting a new relationship. Why is that?

The fear behind making changes

Making changes requires that we leave some comfort behind and venture into the unknown and potentially uncomfortable future. We love routine and predictability in our lives. When our lives are predictable, we know what to expect and how to respond to it.

When we were hunters and gatherers, knowing what to expect kept us safe from unexpected dangers such as being eaten by animals. In today’s world, imagine if you were homeless and had to figure out a new sleeping arrangement everyday, or if you lived in a war zone and did not know what your future might look like, would that not cause some anxiety? Therefore, we fear that the changes we make will make our future a little less certain and may even have a negative impact on our lives.

We fear change especially when it falls outside of our control. For example, getting fired, a partner breaking off a relationship or getting diagnosed with a medical condition. All of these changes are impactful that happen without your control.

However, when changes fall within our locus of control such as changing jobs and losing weight, we feel better about these changes and may even be a little excited about them. How then do we make changes that we can feel in control of? The answer to that is by having goals and a plan for our lives.

Your big hairy audacious goal

By now, I am sure you know the concept of dreams and goals. We can have a big hairy audacious goal (BHAG) of scaling Mount Everest or a smaller goal of running a 5K race. Either way, these are things that we hope to achieve some day.

Most of us think that it is the goal achievement or the outcome that makes us happy. However, research suggests that striving towards a goal are as important as the outcome when it comes to improving our mental well-being.

Goal pursuits provide us with a purpose, something to work towards and thus we plan our lives around these pursuits which can give our lives structure and meaning. Furthermore, when we create and adhere to routines that help us reach these goals, we are improving our mental health by providing our minds with predictability and therefore reduce our anxiety.

By having something to strive towards, we can exercise some control towards the change we seek. For example, if you have a goal of eating better to lose weight, you can control the types of food you consume by making meals at home. You can also set some boundaries for yourself such as eating home-cooked meals for two weeks and then treat yourself to a nice meal out.

As these behaviors fall within your control they can provide you with some ease of mind since you are in charge. Not only will it help with assuaging the anxiety of an uncertain outcome, it will also help you mitigate poor food choices since there is a plan in place. At first, it will be uncomfortable because you are not used to it but in time you will adapt to the boundaries and routines if you choose to.

Part of our reticence towards change is that we fear that we will lose a part of ourselves. Whenever we make any changes, it is inevitable that we will change who we are. In our minds we have a sense of who we are and when something comes along and threatens to change it, we tend to dig our heels in and refuse to budge.

This threat is also known as an ego threat, and digging our heels in and refusing change is a form of defense mechanism to protect ourselves from potential hurt such as a negative outcome and the negative emotions that can occur from it. Whether the change makes us better or worse, there will be changes to who we are and with it comes along the resistance.

How can we reduce the resistance towards change

Essentially, fear or resistance towards change boils down to the anxiety we feel about what the change means for us and our lives. Therefore, it makes sense to manage our thought processes and our emotions to reduce our resistance towards change.

Manage the absolutist thinking

If you use words like always or never in certain situations such as saying that you will never achieve this goal or you are always going to be a procrastinator then it is likely that you have adopted an absolute way of thinking. An absolutist thought process is associated with depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation and people who have these conditions may feel like they will always be depressed or never feel better.

In terms of change, you view it as an all or nothing situation which means even if you make progress but not reach your exact goal, you will feel like you have failed. For example, losing 8 pounds when your goal is 10 pounds may be an issue because you are 2 pounds shy of your goal. To reduce absolutist thinking, you will need to start accepting that successes can come in all forms, even if it was not the one you had envisioned. Moreover, you will need to remind yourself that all changes take time and often, several tries to succeed. Progress is a success on its own and comes from taking actions and meeting smaller milestones along the way.

Breaking up a goal into smaller steps, more milestones

Do you know how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time of course!

When we think about a big change say a career change, it is easy to be overwhelmed by all the things we need to do to do that. We may need to get retrained, or return to university for further studies, we may need to figure out if we can survive financially and how to get hired for this new career. It is both nail biting and hair pulling all at once and unsurprisingly can lead to anxiety over whether this much work is worth it in the end.

How about we take a deep breath and just stop and think of the first steps we need to do? Well, firstly, we need to look at the new career we want and figure out what we need to do to qualify for it and then we can plan for the time required to retrain and consider how it will impact us financially. Then you can start taking concrete steps such as attending courses, sending out job applications, and setting a new financial budget.

You do not need all the answers at once. It is easier to work on a small step at a time and then figure out the next, rather than looking at the gigantic goal and falling apart at the enormity of it. Similarly, when you are looking at goals you want to achieve, break it down into manageable steps and then eat the elephant one bite at a time. In this way, by having a plan you will assuage your anxiety.

Focus on the what, not the why

“In a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.” — Warren Buffett

It is natural for us to feel anxious about making changes and potentially failing. Thanks to our negative biases, we are extremely adept at focusing on the potential negative outcomes and our perceived failures. Sometimes, we think that because we were not able to do something in the past, it means we cannot do this at all which reinforces our resistance to change. Furthermore, research has shown that when we ruminate or obsessively go over mistakes or failures such as why we make such a mistake, it can increase our anxiety and fear towards changes and hinder us from moving forward.

Therefore, to reduce this anxiety and propel you forward, you need to stop ruminating and focus on moving forward. Here is how: you need to deconstruct a past failure only for the purpose of learning what not to do and what to do moving forward. This means that when reflecting on the past you do not focus on why you failed, just how not to repeat the failure.

Next, you need to focus on moving forward steps, concrete steps such as the ones that you have defined from breaking down your big goal. Finally, focus on the person you are becoming and not just the outcomes, you are becoming the change even if you cannot always see it.

In conclusion

“By changing nothing, nothing changes.” — Tony Robbins

Change is inevitable in life. Whether we hang on for our dear lives and resist all sorts of changes, time marches on and our lives will change with or without our input.

At the same time, we need changes to occur for our lives to improve. When we choose to take charge and take back control of how we manage our fear of change, we can let change become a positive experience through setting goals, taking action, managing how we think about change and how we feel about ourselves.

A fear of change can hinder you from living the life you deserve and so it is vital that you realize that you can manage this fear and start making intentional changes in your life.

Overcoming the Fear of Change and Embracing the New Season of You was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Most of us just want to be at our best. We want to be the best version of ourselves and do the best we can with what we have. In today’s society, we are comparing ourselves against people whom we see online, not necessarily celebrities or even people we know, we are comparing ourselves against ordinary folks who seem to be doing better than us in different ways. Amidst all these comparisons, we never really feel good enough.

We have found so many ways to feel less than enough. We are never thin enough, successful enough, or rich enough. Nevertheless, we keep aiming for these external goals in the hopes that it will help us feel better about ourselves.

Yet, all of these external accomplishments still do not help quell our perceived inadequacies deep within ourselves. If anything, chasing external validations can lead to more anxiety, more stress and we find it even harder to feel good enough.

Perfectionism as a factor

The feelings of not being good enough may have arisen from perfectionism. Perfectionism is a behavior and attitude that is often praised. We relish the idea that we have high standards and that we will accept nothing less than perfection.

Today’s increasingly individualistic society has also been shown to increase perfectionism as we are now typically evaluating ourselves against others in the world. Perfectionism comes in these three forms: self-oriented, socially prescribed and other-oriented. When perfectionism is self-oriented, it means that we place that pressure to be perfect on ourselves. When perfectionism is socially prescribed, we perceive a pressure to be perfect from our social environment such as our parents, family, friends and even the media. Finally, when perfectionism is other-oriented, we are exerting that pressure and judgement on others to be perfect, for example, parents stressing on their kids to behave perfectly or achieve perfect grades.

Since perfection is not attainable and the fact is that as humans, we will always find something to criticize about ourselves, can you imagine how miserable it is to reach for something that is never within your reach? How will you ever feel good enough about yourself?

How does not feeling good enough look like?

Even though not feeling good enough is common, we can mask these feeling of inadequacy through:

• As mentioned above, the pursuit of perfection. You will most likely avoid putting yourself or your work out there by justifying that you need to work on “it” more. This might include putting yourself out in terms of finding new friends or romantic partners.
• You procrastinate. You will most likely find yourself unable to motivate yourself to do the work you need to do because you might feel an immense sense of imposter syndrome or you also avoid doing the work so that you do not ever face judgment and therefore no failure.
• Jealousy and envy. In this instance, you might feel jealous or envious of others who have achieved what you want. Now, jealousy and envy is a normal part of the human psyche, but not if they are excessive, consume your thoughts and cause you to be negative about others.
• Obsessed with external achievements, not just about yourself but about others too. In this scenario, you might find yourself always obsessing about getting the latest designer clothes or handbag and showing off to make others envious. This may apply to things like cosmetic procedures or getting a new flashy car.

No matter how the feelings of inadequacy are manifested, they are detrimental to our sense of self-worth over time and can potentially lead to anxiety and depression if not kept in check.

The effect of not feeling good enough is not limited to a negative impact on our mental health and our self-worth. It also hinders us from truly connecting with others. Just imagine, if you are constantly thinking about how you come across to others with the fear that you are less than perfect. The thoughts about how others are judging you will pervade your mind leaving you unable to focus on getting to know the other person.

Furthermore, if we feel slighted by others or criticized in any way, our already fragile egos can cause us to lash out at others in retaliation which will not help matters. Over time, we may stop connecting with others because we are just so afraid of showing our vulnerable, less than perfect side.

How can we start to feel good enough about ourselves?

First of all, we need to recognize that our perceived flaws may not be flaws at all. This is not saying that you, nor I are perfect in any way. This is saying that our behaviors and traits may seem like a flaw to us but not necessarily so for others. Just think about this from a different perspective; if you think about someone you love, be it a spouse or a child for example, do you view any of their challenging character traits as flaws or do you love them because they have these traits? They are certainly not perfect beings but you love them just as they are. Remember that they feel the same way about you and you can too.

Secondly, you need to differentiate your perceived flaws and failures from the person you are. Just as accomplishments do not make up you as a person, perceived flaws do not either. Even if you have stumbled in some parts of your life, which we all do, you can move on from those because they do not define you. For example, you may procrastinate but you are not just a procrastinator.

Thirdly, you must learn to set realistic expectations of yourself. You and I are humans, I think we can ascertain that at least. And guess what? Humans are not perfect and we each achieve different things in our own way. What may be realistic for others may not work for you. Just take health and fitness as an example, for some, going vegan has improved their health tremendously but it is a miserable way to live for others. Some train hard at the gym and love it, some, hate it with a vengeance and would very much rather stab themselves in the eye with a fork. So, if you hate the gym, don’t set goals of doing gym workouts 5 times a week. Do something else you enjoy and can realistically achieve.

Lastly, self-compassion, my friend. We need to be kinder to ourselves. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is comprised of three elements: kindness to oneself versus judgement, common humanity versus isolation which means recognizing that we are not alone in our imperfections or suffering, and mindfulness versus over-identification which means that we should just be aware and mindful of our perceived faults or failures but not identify with them too much. Self-compassion can be nurtured such as through mindfulness practices and mediation. But it does not need to be complicated, just start with being less critical on yourself. Imagine that you are talking to yourself as if you were a friend. Would you criticize your friend or would you be kind and supportive?

You are enough

In essence, our imperfections make us humans. Our inability to see the positive side of ourselves also makes us humans. However, being good enough is not about perfection. You won’t feel brilliant everyday but you are good enough just as you are.

As you scroll through your Instagram feed you see that an old college friend had just gotten married and had a magical (and expensive!) wedding with the handsome love of her life. She is in good shape, she is beautiful, she has flawless skin and an amazing wardrobe to boot.

Do you: a) feel happy for her, b) feel envious of what she has, c) think of your own life and think of how pathetic it is compared to hers or d) all of the above?

We are a species who suffer from the chronic condition of social comparison. Against our better judgement, we constantly compare our lives and our accomplishments and possessions to others and then feel lousy about our lives.

As children, we are constantly compared against our siblings, our cousins, and other kids by the adults around us. I remember when I was a child, adult relatives would often talk about how tall I had grown or the grades I had achieved in comparison to my peers. When we were little, we would also compare ourselves to others such as our classmates in school. As a little girl I remembered instances when I compared my school bags and pencil cases to other girls who had nicer looking bags and pencil cases. Today’s young people however, are comparing on more expensive possessions like latest models of mobile phones, laptops and designer clothing.

As adults, we do the same thing. We compare ourselves on who has a better body or who has a better career. We compare who has the bigger house and who has the better spouse. Most of the time, this comparison can make us feel less-than and not enough. Yet, we can’t seem to help ourselves, why?

Social Comparison for Self-Evaluation and Self-Enhancement

When we compare ourselves to others, we are evaluating who we are in this world. It is a way for us to see how we are doing in relation to others. Think of it this way, with competitions such as bodybuilding, beauty pageants and professional sports, the competitors are measured based on how they compare to each other in various ways. When we look at how our peers are doing or how people on social media are doing, we compare it to how we are doing and then determine whether we are doing ok or not.

We compare ourselves in two ways: upward and downward. When we compare ourselves upwardly, we compare ourselves to people we think are in a better position than us. For example, we may compare in terms of material possessions like nicer house or nicer clothes, we may also compare in terms of physical attributes like comparing our bodies to a fitness influencer online and see how we measure up and determine our self-evaluation.

When we compare ourselves downward however, we are comparing ourselves to people who seem to be doing worse than us. For example, you might compare the state of your marriage to a close friend who may have just gotten a divorce and think to yourself that at least you are not single, no matter how many arguments you might have had with your spouse in the last two weeks. When we compare downwards, we are not just evaluating our lives, we are also self-enhancing and boosting our self-esteem by making ourselves feel better about our lives.

Good and Bad of Social Comparison

Social comparisons can make us feel better or worse about ourselves which can in turn help us to move forward or wallow in self-pity. For example, when we see that others are doing well in terms of their love life and career, we might feel envious of what they have and thus feel lousy about our own lives. However, this envy may also inspire us to move forward and take action. For example, research suggests that overweight women who compared themselves to thinner women are more likely to adopt a healthier lifestyle and therefore improve their physical well-being. What this means is that we can choose how we deal with the comparison and take action rather than be disappointed with ourselves and angry over how others seem to get by easily.

We can also use downward comparison to feel more gratitude towards what we have. For example, so many people have lost their jobs these days and when you compare your situation which may be that you are not exactly happy with your employment but you can feel better in the fact that you are still gainfully employed. Even if we are not entirely happy or fulfilled in our lives, we can also compare with those who are experiencing major crises in their lives such as chronic or terminal illnesses and be grateful that we are not in that position.

In modern times, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others online via social media with research indicating that we actually feel less happy when we see positive posts from others. However, we are the most affected when we compare ourselves to our peers or people we are closer to in reality than celebrities we will never meet. Just like when we are kids, our parents will compare us to other kids our age, as adults we do the same and compare ourselves to our peer group. For example, young mums might compare themselves to their friends who are also young mums. Young men will compare their physical attributes to other young men close to their age. Naturally, you will also compare yourself to celebrities but you are not as negatively affected because you feel like you are in a different category so there is no comparison to be made. You know, apples and oranges.

Mitigating the Compelling Need to Compare

First of all, it is normal to compare. This is what we do. We may not be trying to keep up with the Joneses, but we still want to know what they have and how they are doing so we can secretly condemn them. You know you do this.

Since comparison is a normal part of your life, it would make sense to learn to live with it and even use it to spur you on. For example, next time you are scrolling on Instagram and feeling frustrated with the state of your life compared to the beautiful people online, you need to stop and step away from your feed. The endless scroll won’t add to your life, it just takes time away from you living your life.

Next, when you feel like your life is less than others, you need to remind yourself that you have your own achievements that you can be proud of and your own life to lead on your own terms. You should also remind yourself that what we see online or hear from others is often a curated version of their lives, it shows only the positive side and not the ugly side where they are crying into a glass of wine.

Finally, if you feel irrationally envious about somebody else’s life, you need to take a step back and think about what is missing in your life and what steps you can take to move closer towards what you truly want in your life. Use their achievements to motivate you, to inspire you, don’t let envy slow you down.

Most importantly, even though comparison is a natural part of us, we need to remind ourselves that we need to live our lives on our own terms. You are not competing with anyone; you just need to do the best you can for yourself.

In Conclusion

Social comparison is a part of us, there is no need to shun this side of our nature. However, we can control what we choose to do with the comparisons. We can choose to use it to spur us on and we can choose to feel more gratitude towards what we already have as well. Like you, I have moments when I look at social posts online or hear about some awesome things happening for someone else and think why does it seem so easy for them and not me and then get frustrated with my life. It is easy to fall into that negative space but you can absolutely choose to react differently.

Living With the Green-Eyed Monster: was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

These couple of years of pandemic, civil strife and natural disasters have left many of us feeling like our sense of agency has been removed from us. We feel like life is controlling us and not the other way around.

Over the last few years, there have been many protests across various countries protesting about climate change, political views and mandates and civil rights. These protests are a manifestation of the fear we feel when control over our freedom and life seem forcibly removed.

The real question is how many of us have taken charge of 100% of our lives or at least feel like we have the ultimate agency over our lives even before disasters strike?

When we were children and teenagers, we had little sense of agency because we often felt like adults controlled our lives which is why many teens rebel by drinking, smoking or sneaking out to get some semblance of control. When we become adults our sense of agency peaks with almost 80% of adults aged between 25 to 39 years old agreeing that they have ultimate control over their lives.

Understandably, this is the time when we start earning our own money, start putting down our own roots and during this time we are all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with the sense of everything being possible. As we get older however, realities of life can start to set in and this feeling of agency starts reducing.

This is also the time when we start feeling burnt out and also start dreaming of a different life chasing dreams and passions and not just a paycheck.

Our sense of agency depends on what is meaningful for us.

Just think about the people you know, there are some who are self-motivated, rely on themselves to do the work and change their own lives. Whereas there are others who wait for the government or people around them to help them rather than do it themselves. People with little sense of agency also typically think of their lives as fixed, dependent upon their luck or fate in life.

Our sense of agency comes from having the freedom to choose. However, that may not look the same to everyone. For example, researchers have found that American students felt less satisfied providing aid when there were strong social expectations for them to help out their relatives. However, Asian American students were not as dissatisfied with the strong social expectation.

Previously, researchers had assumed that the lack of freedom to choose in Asian cultures meant less agency amongst the Asian population, however, that was not the case. The lack of choices did not decrease their sense of agency because fulfilling what was expected of them provided them with meaning and purpose in their lives which is their fuel for agency. In essence, freedom and agency simply looked different in different group of people.

Why is self-agency important

1. Mental health and well-being

Self-agency can be beneficial in our boosting our mental wellness especially in trying times like a pandemic. In a study conducted on the psychological well-being of people who are experiencing Covid restrictions such as country-wide lockdown and mandatory working and studying from home, the researchers found that a high sense of agency is closely associated with mental well-being.

They found that people who had a higher sense of agency were more intentional about how they spent their time i.e. on productive activities like exercise and baking for example and not just vegetating in front of the television. Additionally, people with a greater sense of agency also connected more with the people in their lives which improved their relationships and improved their mental well-being as a result.

2. Resilience towards life’s curveballs

In a study of children who live in environments stricken with civil unrest, researchers found that these children understandably, experienced a low satisfaction in life. This is presumably due to the uncertainty of living arrangements, constant threat of relocation, restricted access to education and food and financial insecurity.

However, they found that the kids who have a greater sense of agency over their lives and were more resourceful over what they can do instead of focusing on what they cannot do, and they were more resilient when it comes to coping with life’s challenges. This agency and resilience thus increased their satisfaction in life compared to the children with less sense of agency.

In our own lives, tough times can hit when least expected. Say the pandemic for example, many of us have felt the effects. Some have lost jobs or loved ones and many of our plans have been put on hold. There is uncertainty and insecurity everywhere. We are not living in war zones but that feeling of anxiety over the uncertain future is similar. When this happens, our sense of agency gives us hope, helps us cope and rise to the challenge rather than cave in.

3. Goals and purpose

When we pursue goals, our motivation will naturally increase and decrease as we progress through the goals. What is central to keeping us moving forward is our self-agency. When we have a greater sense of agency, we are more likely to attribute what happens in our life to the actions we take and thus we are also more likely to set goals and work at achieving them.

Researchers also found that when even when an outcome is unsuccessful despite progress, our self-agency nevertheless increases gradually. On the other hand, when we are successful with our goals, our sense of agency increases exponentially.

Now, think of the goals you have pursued, not all of them reached the outcome you desired. Even though they weren’t successful, you made some progress, perhaps learnt some lessons but throughout whole process, your sense of agency still persists and keeps you going. When you achieve your goals however, don’t you feel a massive boost in believing what you can achieve?

How can we instill more agency into our lives?

Now that you know the importance of having agency. What can you do to instill more of it into your life?

1. Start believing

Our limiting beliefs hold us back from having faith in our capabilities and reduces the sense of control we have over our life and circumstances.

According to the psychiatrist John Sharp, when we are plagued with limiting beliefs we can change them by first questioning the basis for these beliefs and view them objectively with a new lens rather than our old lens.

Next, we should be compassionate about our old beliefs especially if they have held us back, there is no need to be hard on ourselves for past regrets, just move on. Finally, leave behind the old limiting beliefs and create new empowering beliefs based on the positives in your life such as what you have achieved.

2. Redirect your attention

There is a popular quote that goes like this “energy flows where attention goes”. It has been attributed to Tony Robbins and various other people so I am not sure where this quote originated from so if you know, drop me a note in the comments.

Regardless of who said it first, I think it is fair to say that for us to have more sense of agency, we must first recognize where we are directing our energy. Instead of focusing on the negatives of the situation, what if you simply redirect your attention on what is within your control and what you can do?

Using the pandemic as an example again, when we were told to stay home and that no shops or restaurants will be opened, most of us simply thought of what else we could do productively with our time. For example, many people started fixing up their homes, some learnt new skills, some retrained for other jobs and so forth. Attention redirected.

3. Start small and take action

If you can still remember, I had mentioned that our sense of agency is present even when we stall on our goals or fail to achieve a desirable outcome. Most importantly, our agency increases with progress meaning action we take and increases exponentially when we experience success no matter how big or small.

Imagine if you have a goal of losing 20 pounds, you won’t see an instantaneous difference in weight in the first few weeks but you can measure your progress by measuring the actions you take such as number of workouts and percentage of healthy meals per week. At some point you will achieve a noticeable difference in size and shape which will boost your self-agency significantly. The only mistake you can make here is not taking any action at all.

In conclusion

A sense of agency is not a magic shot of motivation. It is something that quietly hums along in the background but as you have seen, it allows us to significantly improve our mental well-being, increase our satisfaction in life and helps us achieve our dreams and goals.

We may not always have an abundance of agency to go around but by adjusting our beliefs, redirecting our attention and taking action, we can help boost our self-agency and live meaningfully despite challenges.

Our lives are fraught with changes, one day we are happy, we get the job we want, we meet our soulmate and the next, we are unhappy, got passed over for a promotion, fought with our spouse or just feel unfulfilled.

Pop psychology tells us that we should shrug it off and think happy thoughts. Negative thoughts are not welcome in this house. However, thinking positive thoughts does not alleviate how we feel and can instead make us feel worse. When we think about how mad or how sad we are, we get upset at how sad and angry we are. Sometimes, we even feel guilty because we should be happy with what we have and not whine about a small bump in the road.

That said, it a human need to want to feel good and if positive thoughts do not make us feel better, what does? A simple answer to this could be acceptance.

What is acceptance?

Acceptance is not a new concept. In Buddhism, acceptance of the self and of the realities of our lives is one of the core tenets for a more fulfilling existence. The idea is that we should not run away from negative thoughts, emotions and situations and neither should we ruminate and wallow in the negativity of it all. Instead, we should simply observe, acknowledge, and accept them for what they are without judgement. Thousands of years ago in ancient Greece, the practice of Stoicism encourages the acceptance of things beyond our control such as tragedies and how others behave and instead focus on actions within your control.

In recent times, acceptance have also been used in therapeutic interventions such as the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT. In ACT, practitioners guide their clients towards accepting their experiences and issues, again, without judgement. After accepting their issues, they are then guided towards committing to taking actions that will help them move forward towards their goals.

That said, acceptance is not the same as being resigned to your fate or circumstances. It is accepting that even though certain things that happen in life are not necessarily within our control it does not mean that we should just knuckle under and just let life knock us about. It means that we can accept the situation, how we feel about it and then take the necessary action to move forward.

What is the relationship between acceptance and happiness?

When something bad happens, we tend to ruminate over the negative experience and get stuck in a negative loop of thoughts and emotions associated with these experiences. Most of us ruminate over past events, however, research has suggested that people who ruminate excessively are more likely to develop depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders as well as substance use and post-traumatic stress disorders.

Research suggests that from a Western perspective, the way to happiness is to avoid negative thoughts and think positive. However, just trying to think positive has been shown to be counter-intuitive and instead forces us to focus on the negative thoughts and worse, ruminate over them instead of moving on. For example, many of us have read about the experiment where participants are told not to think about a white bear or a pink elephant depending on which iteration of the experiment it is. Of course, when told not to think of something, people naturally focus their attention on that particular thing. So when we are told by well-meaning friends to forget about whatever happened, you can guarantee that we will be laser-focused on that elephant.

From the Eastern perspective however, there is a holistic view that both negative and positive thoughts and emotions can co-exist and that negative experiences like failures provide avenues for improvement. Whilst the Western perspective might view negative emotions and thoughts as fixed states, the Eastern perspective is that our emotions and thoughts are constantly in flux which means that we will not always stay sad nor happy depending on the situation.

This does not mean however, that one culture is happier than the other, it simply suggests that acceptance of current emotions and thoughts as they are is more prevalent from an Eastern perspective.

How acceptance can lead the way to happiness

Steven Hayes, the psychology professor who developed ACT viewed emotional pain and suffering as not something to be avoided but to accept as part of life. Acceptance in itself is not an end-goal in ACT but simply provides a pathway towards action-taking.

When we deny any existence of negative thoughts and emotions, we deny the possibility that there is an issue or situation to be fixed which basically means that we are sticking our heads in the sand. However, when we accept that this is the way we feel, this is how the situation is without judging nor placing blame, we can start to see it for what it is and see that there are things we can do to change the situation.

Also, when we accept that negative situations, thoughts and emotions are part of life and that they are not a permanent state, we know that we can become happier again. Through acceptance we can be free from ruminating on our mistakes and reduce worrying excessively about a future we cannot control.

Next time you feel stuck in a negative loop of thoughts and emotions, fixated on a negative experience like a mistake at work, an argument with your spouse, passed up for a job you applied for, you do not need to avoid your negative thoughts and feelings. Accept that this is how you feel about whatever situation it may be, you are free to feel sad, angry, disappointed and frustrated. Do not judge yourself or ask whether it is wrong to feel this way. Just simply acknowledge and accept, know that both how you feel and the situation are not permanent states, see what steps you can take to change the situation and then commit to taking those steps.

Most importantly, remember that as a human, you have a whole range of thoughts and emotions that need not be avoided. That is what makes us who we are as whole beings.

Like what you’ve read so far? Come subscribe to my newsletter over by suzannemason.com and get more insights on life and having the courage to be your authentic self delivered to your inbox.

As I am staring at the blank page on the computer screen, I have an overwhelming urge to go do the laundry, wash the dishes, make yet another cup of tea. Anything, anything else but think about what to write. Am I procrastinating? Yes, in a manner of speaking but when I have procrastinated consistently for the last three months, I think it is time to consider that it is a little more than just mere procrastination.

All of us have goals we want to achieve. This could be goals like starting a business, launch a writing career or lose some weight and yet, each time we would get going for a while and then stop because of various reasons. Reasons like “I need to do more research”, “I need to concentrate on this big project at work” or “Just one more cheat meal won’t hurt”.

On the surface, it sounds like procrastination but for many of us, it is a symptom of a bigger problem, self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage occurs when we prevent ourselves from being successful or happy by undermining our goals and values and it often occurs without us being aware of it by masquerading as other thoughts and emotions.

Beware of the imposter

Self-sabotage can take on many guises other than procrastination. In our career for example, we often stop ourselves from reaching for a promotion or a career change. We cite reasons like not being qualified or not experienced enough, which is basically code for the dreaded imposter syndrome. Studies have found that up to 82% of people experience imposter syndrome which stops them from even attempting to ask for a higher salary or even consider changing jobs.

With imposter syndrome, the fear is not just of possible failure but the fear of judgement from others as well. We are afraid that others will see us as less competent and accomplished than we really are.

Even the great Maya Angelou was not impervious to imposter syndrome:

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”

Perfection is a façade

Another way that self-sabotage occurs is in the form of perfectionism. Let’s say you are considering starting a business for example. Presumably, you will need some knowledge in terms of creating a service or a product that can be sold for money. At first, you will feel hyped up and raring to go especially when you start your research on what you might need to get t started. And then, what happens six months on? You are still researching and have not taken any tangible action.

You tell yourself it is because you want to do things right. However, let’s be real for a second here. We both know that you will not get it right the first time simply because you have not done it before. The only way to know is to get moving but you have stopped yourself from doing so. According to a survey conducted in 2021, 61% of Americans stated that they have ideas for a business and yet, 92% have not followed through on their entrepreneurial dreams. 33% of the people surveyed were honest and stated that it was the fear of failure that has hindered them thus far.

Perfectionism can sometimes manifest through indecisiveness on next course of action. For example, we struggle to decide on whether running, Zumba, Crossfit or Pilates would be best for losing weight when in reality, we should just get started on something that gets us moving our bodies and burning calories.

Self-sabotage in love

Do you know people who seem to self-sabotage in relationships? These are the people who treat their partners badly by picking fights for no apparent reason or sometimes, they cheat on their partners. Then, there are also those who choose people who are not that great for them.

Usually, these kinds of relationships are volatile, stressful and to the outside view, it seems like this person is creating opportunities for either party to break off the relationship. Ironically, the people who tend to sabotage their own relationships are also people who are most fearful of being alone but also found it the hardest to let their guard down.

Fear and past experiences

Fear is a healthy emotion which protects us from danger. However, when it comes to self-sabotage, we are often in denial of the fear and rarely admit to ourselves that we are fearful of another person leaving us or that we would fail at something.

In a relationship, the fear is not just about the other party leaving us, but it is also about what if we screw it up ourselves? Then who would we blame when we are sad and lonely? In this way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where we fear being alone but put ourselves in the position of being just that.

When it comes to our professional achievements, we deny ourselves the chance of even trying when we self-sabotage. The fear we feel when it comes to the professional realm is to protect us from the blows to our self-esteem and self-worth if we fail.

Sometimes, the way we self-sabotage could also stem from our past experiences such as witnessing a toxic relationship between our parents and so we either repeat the pattern in our adulthood or try to prevent repeating the pattern and develop mechanisms to do so.

Here’s how you can stop sabotaging yourself

1. Acknowledge that you are self-sabotaging

It is not easy to admit to ourselves that we are the ones getting in our own way. It is normal to have these fears and what it is important is that we see our actions as what they are and not try to justify them.

2. Backtrack a little

Now that you know that you are self-sabotaging, try and dig a little deeper and think about why that is. Not everything in our lives is a result of deep-seated psychological trauma, fear is a healthy part of living. By knowing why, you can start to adjust your mindset and adapt differently.

3. Feel the fear and do it anyway

Just as you have learned to self-sabotage to cope with your fear, you can unlearn it and learn a different way. The fears we have, whilst normal, is often unfounded. We don’t know that we will fail at business. We don’t know that our relationships won’t work out. When we feel fearful, it is a sign that whatever it is, is challenging us. That is not necessarily a bad thing. When you have figured out why the fear exists, you can take control and find a different way to work around your self-sabotage such as creating a different routine to get started on your goals.

4. Be kind to yourself

The most vital step here is self-compassion. We are naturally self-critical, we can’t help it. It is so easy to blame ourselves for failing at work, at building a business and at love. However, as we know self-sabotage is just a way we cope with our fears. It does not mean that we will never be able to conquer that, it just means that to do so, we need to be more patient with ourselves.

At the end of the day

Life’s most meaningful pursuits are often the most challenging. With the challenges comes that impulse to give in to our fears and sabotage ourselves even before we have begun. Self-sabotage is not some character flaw, it is just a human trait. When we recognize the symptoms of self-sabotage, we can take the steps required to manage it and conquer it.

Why We Self-Sabotage and How Not To was originally published in Mind Cafe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.