“Here, take a bump of this.” She passed me a thing with crushed pills in it and I didn’t even ask what it was nor did I turn it down, I just did it. Again and again and again and again until I couldn’t feel who I was anymore. When I looked in the mirror I saw a blur and when the blur cleared, I saw a lifeless person staring back at me and it was taunting me and telling me I needed to do this if I wanted to survive. So, what did I do? I continued to hang out with those people, continued to consume the things that made me numb, and continued to not care about myself.

I continued to the point where I would be in hysterical fits and I was unable to control myself. I thought dying would’ve been nice when I was in that state of mind because I was so numb. I was numb to the fact that I had a serious problem and if I didn’t stop it soon I would be dead. The night that changed my life was on New Years Eve, I don’t remember the year but I remember how I felt. Pill after pill, my mind was shot. I was crying over my dead grandfather and saying how disappointed he would be in me and my friend kept putting Xanax in my mouth to calm me down. I laid in her bed unable to move. I felt my heart racing as the Xanax was in my system. I felt like I reached my limit. I thought about what I would say to my grandpa when I met him again.

I passed out.

The next morning, I went home and told myself that I was done. I’m pretty grateful for that moment where I decided enough was enough and it was time to stop hanging out with those people because they gave your free drugs,

I like to think that I got out of it easy. I was able to quit and find the will to not look through pills in the cabinet and to not reach out to those people who I thought were my friends. Some people are so immersed in that scene and it makes me scared for them. They felt that numbness and the feelings of self doubt that came with it. The darkest cloud staying inches away from their head.

I now have the life that I wanted (minus a kick ass job), I’m a strong woman with a good support system and I have such a beautiful family.