I watched ABC’s Q&A on loneliness last week, and as much as there were a lot of great things being said, it struck me just how much was being left out of the conversation.

I’ve seen this happen on panels before, both here in Australia, and overseas in the UK. And considering I’ve spent the past two years collecting hundreds of stories of loneliness for an immersive exhibition*, I thought it was about time I shared what I’ve learned so far…

So, here’s what we’re not talking about when it comes to loneliness:

1. Our focus tends to be on defining loneliness as a physical or emotional disconnect from other people; in other words, social isolation or a lack of meaningful connections. This is definitely true for many, however, loneliness can also be defined as a disconnect from a sense of self; who you feel you are on the inside versus who you are on the outside, and an inability to live authentically in the world. Having an awareness of this is super important. If we have a limited understanding of what loneliness is, then our endeavours to help people to feel less lonely are also limited.** And we will always have a loneliness epidemic unless we empower others to be their most authentic selves.
2. Loneliness is not something to ‘end’ or ‘solve’ — it’s a fundamental part of our biology that has enabled us to evolve into the species we are today, and it will continue to help us evolve going forwards. Loneliness is not an emotion to shut down or eradicate. It’s one of our key needs, alongside food, water and preventing and overcoming injury. It reminds us of our need to reconnect. So rather than striving to end loneliness, we need to focus on acknowledging its entirety, and mitigating and managing it when it arises so that it doesn’t develop into something more severe like depression or anxiety. When we use language like ‘ending loneliness’ we’re implying that being lonely is bad or unnatural; a feeling we shouldn’t feel. And this is a huge trigger for shame, adding to the vast amount of shame and stigma that already surrounds this emotion.
3. And it’s precisely shame that prevents people from speaking up and reaching out for support. You can have all the great loneliness initiatives in the world, but we can’t help people to feel less lonely if they don’t feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about it. It’s therefore imperative for us to shift the conversation so that more of us understand that loneliness actually belongs to us all. It doesn’t matter how many friends you have or how old you are or how physically able you are, or where you come from — loneliness can affect anyone at any time. It’s a very human reaction to a very real feeling of disconnect, whether that’s with others, with ourselves or with the world around us. We all feel lonely sometimes — there should be no shame in that.
4. Loneliness strongly correlates to moments of great upheaval or unexpected change in someone’s life. This could explain why so many young people feel lonely. They are having to navigate so much existential change and make decisions that feel detrimental to their futures — all while trying to form their own identities and understand their sense of self. This can also explain why someone with many close, meaningful relationships can also feel lonely — because they’ve experienced something they feel the people around them haven’t experienced or don’t have an understanding of, like someone going through a divorce. Which leads me to number 5…
5. Social media is an amplifier, not the cause. For many, it’s given people an outlet, and a sense of community that they may never have found in person — especially for those physically isolated. What it can do, however, is give the illusion that everyone around us is doing okay, or worse, doing really, really, really well. If you are already feeling disconnected with your sense of self, or disconnected from those around you, or if you are going through something particularly difficult that you already believe others won't understand, social media will make a meal out of it. This is where we need to better learn when social media can help us, and when to take a break. And this is also where we need to learn to practise more vulnerability online, which many of us started to do a little more of this year…
6. Covid-19, while devastating for many, has also been a huge empathy-building exercise for all of us. Being stuck at home, unable to leave has given us a huge amount of insight into the day-to-day of those who feel isolated on a regular basis; carers, those with physical or invisible disabilities, the elderly, our farmers, low-income earners, (to name a few). Suddenly everyone is participating online or over the phone; connecting, making the effort and many of those who normally are left out from this kind of social interaction, finally get to be part of it, potentially for the first time in their lives. And this is one of the most important lessons we can take from this pandemic. Understanding our privilege, practising gratitude, and also bearing the weight of other people’s suffering. Because when you feel someone else’s pain, you feel more compelled to do something about it. And there is so much more we still need to do to support those who are physically isolated on a day-to-day basis, and what we know now, thanks to the pandemic, is that we can all contribute to the solutions.
7. People often ask me if it is sad or upsetting work to interview people about loneliness, and the truth is yeah — it is. And yet, in the same vein, it’s also immensely connecting. Not often do we get to spend time talking honestly and openly about things that really matter with complete strangers. And yet here I am, sitting on their couch, drinking tea from their cup, listening, crying and sharing with them times we have both felt lonely. And so, my final point here is that there’s power in feeling seen and heard, and there’s enormous power in seeing and listening. This — as a collective — is something we all need to practise more. With our friends, with our families, with our neighbours, and perhaps most importantly, with ourselves. And the moment we create more safe spaces for people to listen and be heard is the moment we begin to build more emotionally resilient communities, which is precisely what we should be aiming for.

*I’m now working on collecting stories of loneliness here in Aus. Click here to find out more.

*Loneliness can also show up as a disconnect from our natural world — or a disconnect from the world in a greater context, though I found this to be present amongst the few, not the many.

Tessa Day is an accredited Counsellor based in Australia. She has experience guiding clients through a wide range of challenges, including career, relationships, identity, stress, isolation, change, self-esteem, grief and loss. Reach out via her website to find out more: https://www.tessacounselling.com/

Loneliness — here’s what’s missing from the conversation… was originally published in Age of Awareness on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

But we need everyone to.

I got asked the other day by someone who is sceptical of climate change to share with them some scientific reports to help them gain “a more rounded view”. They asked, “specifically for the ones that are heavily concerned about the next 10–20 years. I would prefer not to have ones influenced by media — just raw articles — science journals, etc.”

This felt like a real opportunity — even if it were just one person. In all honesty, I never thought this request would ever come from this person, so perhaps I’d misjudged? (Although worthwhile side note — our home, Australia, is on fire right now, so I’m guessing the fact that 26 people have died, more than 2,000 homes have been destroyed, 8.4 million hectares have been burned, over 1 billion animals have been killed or injured, and the capital having the worst air quality in the world, probably fisted them into reality, somewhat, but hey, who’s to know for sure?)

Nonetheless, I jumped on the opportunity to share the facts. I crowdsourced and researched and came up with this… and I quickly realised it felt all too important not to publish it more publicly, so here goes…

This is a series of scientific reports and academic articles for those who want to better understand climate change and its impact on the planet.

World Scientists’ Warning to Humanity published in 1992. Signed by 1700 scientists, including 104 Nobel laureates — a majority of the living recipients of the Prize in the sciences.

The Garnaut Climate Change Review, published in 2008, by Australian economist, Ross Garnaut.

Interactions between climate change, fire regimes and biodiversity in Australia, published in 2009, by CSRIO.

World Scientists’ Warning to Humanity: A Second Notice re-published in 2017. Now signed by 15,372 scientists from 184 countries.

Global Warming of 1.5℃ published in 2018, by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which is an organization of governments that are members of the United Nations or WMO. Currently, it has 195 members, with thousands of experts from all around the world contributing to the IPCC.

WMO State of the Global Climate, published in 2018, by the World Meteorological Organization. The WMO has 193 Member States and Territories from across the globe.

State of the Climate, published in 2018, by The Bureau of Meteorology and CSIRO.

NDC Global Outlook Report, published in 2019, by the UN Development Programme (UNDP) and UN Climate Change (UNFCCC).

Emissions Gap Report, published in 2019, by the UN Environment Programme (UNEP).

What’s the damage? published in 2020, by The Wildlife Trusts, and supported by National Trust, Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) and The Woodland Trust.

(Updated 11.8.21 to add: AR6 Climate Change 2021: The Physical Science Basis, published 2021, by The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.)

A couple of things I want to point out with the list above:

In the 2008 report by Ross Garnaut, he accurately predicts this shit-storm fireball we’re currently living in. He says: “recent projections of fire weather (Lucas et al. 2007) suggest that fire seasons will start earlier, end slightly later, and generally be more intense. This effect increases over time but should be directly observable by 2020.” That’s on page 118 of the report. And no, this is not some wild coincidence. It’s called Science, and as it turns out, it’s pretty fucking reliable. In the 2009 report by CSRIO, they too predicted the same thing (down to the very location), “by 2020, extreme fire danger days in south-eastern Australia may occur 5 to 65 per cent more often than at present.”

In the 2018 report by IPCC, scientists gave us 12 years to get our shit together. Which, I get, feels kinda insanely soon (because it is). This is also the main point of contention for a lot of sceptics I know and particularly for the one I’m writing this article for in the first place. To them and all the others, I want to say this:

Why the ‘radical’ deadline? Well, as it stands right now, we’re almost at a global average of 1.5℃. Yes, that’s right: the uncontrollable wildfires that are emitting approximately 349 million tonnes of CO2 into the air right now are the direct result of the earth’s core being warmer than 1℃. It’s not exactly a walk in the park, is it?

The thing is, we need drastic systemic change by 2030, just to be able to keep the earth from heating above 1.5℃. If it heats over 1.5℃, catastrophic and irreversible effects on our planet will be our reality. That’s right, even worse than what we’re experiencing now.

And let me be clear, it’s not that the world will end in 2030 if emissions don’t decline, but our earth will become rapidly more inhabitable for all of us. And sure, the 10-year timeline is intense, and you know what, if we’d actually bothered to listen to old mate Ross or better yet, any of the 1700 legendary scientists who signed the 1992 report, maybe we could’ve done this a little more slow and steady for all those still catching up. But that’s not where we’re at. And the planet isn’t waiting for anyone.

NASA climate scientist Kate Marvel sums it up perfectly: “Climate change isn’t a cliff we fall off, but a slope we slide down…we can always choose to begin the long, slow, brutal climb back up… [but] if we must argue about what the view will be like when we get there, let’s at least agree to turn around first.” The whole point of taking on the suggested pathways outlined in the IPCC report is to make it possible for us to be able to restore and prevent (at least some of) the damage that is now inevitable — so that we can continue to survive on this planet.

But what I mostly want to say, is that I get it. I actually get why so many don’t want to, or can’t comprehend the devastation that our planet is facing. I really do understand why it’s easier to think, “Nah, surely it’s not that bad, surely our futures aren’t that bleak, surely things will get better on their own.” Because to believe otherwise is to accept that we have a really tough, scary, complicated road ahead. That’s probably why most people would prefer not to read the above list. Because what can one person do with all that truth?

Well, I guess there’s a couple of things we could do… We could listen. And then we could vote and support those who are actually going to save us all.

Because you know what, I’m not going to be that guy who chose to spend yet another decade ignoring the facts. Are you?

If you want to go further down the rabbit hole, below are some additional resources. All interesting and have been super helpful to me in writing this piece (thank you to everyone who helped). And if you have any recommendations, please share them in the comments below.

Global Climate Change: Vital Signs of the Planet, NASA

Project Drawdown: The Most Comprehensive Plan Ever Proposed to Reverse Global Warming, published in 2017, edited by Paul Hawken.

A Farewell to Ice, published in 2017, by Professor Peter Wadhams

15,000 Scientists From 184 Countries Are Warning Humankind We Are Screwed, published in 2017, by Stephen Leahy

8 Things You Need to Know About the IPCC 1.5˚C Report, published in 2018, by Kelly Levin

IPCC says limiting global warming to 1.5 °C will require drastic action, published in 2018, by Jeff Tollefson

The Uninhabitable Earth, published in 2019, by David Wallace-Wells

Do We Really Have Only 12 Years to Avoid Climate Disaster?, published in 2019, and written by Doctors, Wagner and Samaras, academics whose work focuses on climate change.

How to Talk to a Climate Skeptic, by Coby Beck

Why is 1.5 Degrees the Danger Line for Global Warming? published in 2019, by Climate Reality Project

Our Planet, a collaboration between WWF, Netflix, and Silverback Films, released in 2019.

Tessa Day is an accredited Counsellor based in Australia. She has experience guiding clients through a wide range of challenges, including career, relationships, identity, stress, isolation, change, self-esteem, grief and loss. Reach out via her website to find out more: https://www.tessacounselling.com/

The truth? You can’t handle the truth. was originally published in Age of Awareness on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Change the world from your inner-city apartment.

With Facebook boasting up to 1.2 billion active users each month and up to 60% of Internet users owning Youtube and Twitter accounts (GWI Social), it’s safe to say that most people are engaging in some kind of global conversation. Whether it’s just Skyping between friends from New Delhi to Stockholm, or favouriting a retweet @stephenfry has posted, we are all some how interconnected and engaging with one another.

This is something we’ve known for a while though. And a lot of research has gone into determining the duration and scale at which people are using social media sites to converse. But what is most interesting about our large-scale chitchat is the extent to which we can collaborate with one another to help solve some of the world’s biggest problems. Rather than spending time on social media complaining about politics and governments, we should be more proactive with our connections. What if it wasn’t just about persuading our leaders and those who we consider experts to do something? What if it was just a matter of us all collaborating together through a global conversation to tackle the big issues ourselves?

Britta Riley did this from her fifth-floor apartment in Brooklyn, New York City. She wanted to know how we could solve the colossal problem of the global food shortage and it concerned her that this was being left up to the experts.

“It is precisely when we hand over the responsibilities to specialists that we cause the kinds of messes we see with the food system,” Riley explains in her TED talk.

Billions of tonnes of food are wasted every year, which consequently contributes to the copious amount of greenhouse gas emissions being produced. Our resources are declining severely as food demands are growing. Never has our planet been in a more vulnerable state, and yet our political leaders seem to be very slowly chipping away at this problem.

But how does a lone city-dweller even begin to solve the global food-shortage issue, particularly when 2 billion of the world’s population live in cities, and are unable to grow their own food?

Rather than focusing on what she didn’t know, Riley concentrated on what she did, and set out to explore ways urban communities could grow more of their own produce from home — a solution that if accomplished, could have a hugely positive impact on our environment.

Having earned a master’s in Professional Studies in Environmental Tech, Riley was aware that NASA used hydroponics to grow plants in outer space. Along with her knowledge and with help of friends, windowfarming sprouted to life.

A windowfarm is an indoor garden whereby people can grow food all year round with no dirt. These vertical, hydroponic platforms pump a liquid soil solution to each plant’s root system, which are all suspended in clay pallets.

However Riley didn’t get to this solution entirely by herself. Even the first version that she and fifteen co-developers built had a number of things wrong with it: it was leaky and loud, and its carbon footprint alone was too high for the project to truly succeed. So rather than developing a product, Riley created a social media site where her team published all their designs with explanations for how it all worked. They even went as far as pointing out all the mistakes they had made, and all the things that had gone wrong with the project.

Big corporations may refer to this as R&D, but Riley calls it R&D.I.Y — research and develop it yourself. The response they received was far-reaching. Together, people from all corners of the globe participated in the same conversation, a rapid versioning process bringing everyone closer to a solution to a great world problem. In 2011 the online community was 18,000 strong.

Today, it has more than 40,000 contributors and is growing every day. This open-sourced collaborative project has developed so much that individuals are now able to grow strawberries inside for nine months of the year and they have even managed to reduce their carbon footprint in half just by changing the pumping system from water pumps to air pumps. All this may have taken them several years to achieve if they had tried to do it on their own.

And that’s the point of this blog post. It’s not about owning the idea, it’s not about making money off a product; it’s about coming up with a solution that will radically improve all of our lives. Suddenly social entrepreneurship has become a community experience and it makes you think, what other world problems could we start to solve?

Riley and her windowfarms are an example of just how special online social networking can be. We’ve talked about our fears of being too attached to our smartphones, and we’ve discussed how detrimental our online social connectedness can be — but we haven’t talked anywhere near enough about how we could completely revolutionise the ways in which we are using these relationships. We should be sharing, collaborating and fixing the messes that we have all contributed to. Rather than waiting for politicians and governments to come up with solutions, we ought to rediscover the value of united development and as Riley explains, “ditch the word consumer and get behind the people that are doing something”.

It’s brilliant that Facebook has 1.2 billion active users each month, and it’s even better that 60% of Internet users have Youtube and Twitter accounts. Think of all the millions of diverse, intelligent, creative and innovative people in the world that we can now communicate with. Don’t shy away, and don’t be afraid. Stay connected. Continue to interact. Just change the conversations that you’re already having and heal the world.

Tessa Day is an accredited Counsellor based in Australia. She has experience guiding clients through a wide range of challenges, including career, relationships, identity, stress, isolation, change, self-esteem, grief and loss. Reach out via her website to find out more: https://www.tessacounselling.com/

Stop complaining. Start collaborating. was originally published in Mission.org on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

One month ago I returned back from an adventure in the Ecuadorian rainforest. Myself and a friend spent 5 days learning from and living with the Waorani people: an indigenous tribe who have dwelled in the depths of the jungle for nearly a thousand years — only being discovered by the outside world in the 1950s.

I went into the Amazon with the intention of learning more about the happiness of the Waorani tribe. I wanted to gain insights and coping mechanisms that might be able to help those feel happier here in busy London, and I anticipated that the Waorani tribe would have plenty to teach us. I expected it would be a simple and quick conversation, one I could scribble down into a short 500-word piece.

But this is not at all how it played out. In fact, a conversation about happiness was actually very difficult to hold with the Waorani tribe. Don’t get me wrong, they are very happy people, always laughing and joking about. But when I asked them what it meant to them to be happy, and what we could learn from their ability to be happy, they seemed a little confused and unable to answer. This was pretty frustrating for me and I was worried our translator was miscommunicating. I mean, how on earth could they not articulate what happiness meant to them!?

But by the end of our time with the tribe it became very clear to me why this was such a foreign concept for them. For the Waorani people, ‘happy’ is a constant way of being. It’s their baseline mood. While things might happen that upset them — like the big oil companies or illegal logging initiatives that are digging and destroying their land — the idea of them having to explain what makes them happy was like asking the Harpy Eagle why she has wings: it just does, and they just are.

As it turned out the thing I learnt most from this tribe was not really about happiness. Rather the thing I learnt most that I feel is hugely relevant for all of us, was about their innate sense of purpose.

Why is this important?

At Escape the City many come to us deeply unhappy in their jobs and looking to lead more purpose driven lives. There’s a lot that contributes to someone wanting to escape an unfulfilling career into something more meaningful, but I’ve tried to narrow it down to three major areas…

· Authenticity: escapees struggle to identify with their work and feel like they aren’t being true to themselves:

I don’t fit in.
I’m a completely different person at work to the person I am with friends.
I’m not fulfilling my potential.
I’m not using all my strengths to contribute my best self.

· Freedom: escapees don’t feel as though they are in control of their lives:

I don’t just want to be a cog in a machine.
I don’t want to feel numb anymore.
I don’t want to be drifting through life, void of feeling.

· Purpose: escapees don’t believe they are contributing to positive change:

I’m not not contributing to the bigger picture.
I feel exhausted over something that makes no difference.
If I died tomorrow, I will have left no legacy, nothing in the world will have changed.

I recently watched a TED talk By Rick Warren titled ‘A Life of Purpose’. In this, Rick very eloquently explains what he believes is missing from the lives of many (and in this case, from the typical escapee).

He says, “spiritual emptiness is a universal disease. I think inside at some point we put our heads down on the pillow and think, there’s gotta be more to life than this.” When we reach adulthood many of us accidentally fall into this routine: wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Repeat. We start living for our weekend instead of feeling alive every single day of the week.

But why do we wake up suddenly one day feeling lost and without purpose? What’s causing this spiritual emptiness? Ipsos MORI, a British market research organisation, conducted a study a few years ago that showed just how great our shift away from religion has been in the last few decades — and it continues to decline.

The proportion of the total population in the 1980s who saw themselves as belonging to a particular religion was around 65%. By 2011, this had decreased to just over half with 53%. Are we losing our sense of purpose because we no longer identify with religion? Are we trying to find our spiritual selves through our work and then when we can’t, experience a profound existential crisis?

Though when Rick talks about spiritual emptiness he is quick to distinguish this from religion.

“It comes down to this issue of meaning, of significance, of purpose. I think it comes down to this issue of why am I here? What am I here for? Where am I going? These are not religious issues — they’re human issues.”

Perhaps for too long we’ve only identified these questions as religious ones and as a result, have attempted to block them from our minds, not wanting to get caught up in that ‘wishy-washy, hippy, Jesus-loving’ talk? Maybe this type of thing makes us feel soft, when actually it’s the foundation for making us strong?

What can we learn from the Waorani tribe?

This is the main thing that stood out so intensely to me with the Waorani people. Their innate sense of purpose came from their deep connection with spirituality. They don’t belong to a particular religion but they do believe in a greater being and they do believe in an afterlife. Most importantly, the Waorani tribe believe that spirit and nature are one and the same, and their purpose is to protect and nurture the world they live in. Regardless of whether you’re religious or spiritual or not, there is something incredibly valuable in this.

The Waorani’s believe in being their best selves. They are competitive in nature, always pushing themselves to be braver, stronger and better at what they do; whether that’s climbing trees to forage for food, or walking great distances to learn more about the many species who live amongst them in the jungle. But they aren’t doing this for themselves — they believe they are doing this for a purpose far greater. It is this which allows them to feel happy and at peace within themselves.

You might be thinking, “this is all well and good, but finding my purpose is the trickiest part,” and you’re right, it is. But this is when allowing yourself to start answering those big questions really serves you. Rick justifies why this is so important in his talk:

“You need to understand your world view. The problem is most people don’t usually think this through. Your world view determines everything else in your life because it determines your decisions, it determines your relationships, it determines your level of confidence. What we believe determines our behaviour and our behaviour determines what we become in life.”

Answering those questions will help you better understand your worldview. It will help you identify what you stand for, and what you don’t, which will then guide all other decisions you need to make in your life.

When I think of people who are unhappy in their jobs and looking for purpose in their lives I can’t help but think of the Waorani tribe. Their way of being in this world is something we can all learn from. When we serve and contribute our best selves to a greater purpose — something that truly makes a difference to the world around us — we will stop searching for ways to be happy, and just be.

“What do you have that you’ve been given: talent, background, education, freedom, networks, opportunities, wealth, ideas, creativity? What are you doing with what you’ve been given?

Look at what’s in your hand… And say, it’s not about me, it’s about making the world a better place.”

- Rick Warren

This post was originally published on the Happy Melly blog.

Tessa Day is an accredited Counsellor based in Australia. She has experience guiding clients through a wide range of challenges, including career, relationships, identity, stress, isolation, change, self-esteem, grief and loss. Reach out via her website to find out more: https://www.tessacounselling.com/

How to be happy — lessons from an Amazonian tribe was originally published in Mission.org on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I could throw a bunch of excuses at you: I could tell you how I was really silly to promise weekly blogging, days before travelling to Brazil for the Christmas break. I could tell you I fell ill on my return and couldn’t muster the energy to even look at my notepad. I could tell you that I’ve been busy with work and friends and life and that I just haven’t had a single moment to dedicate any solid time to this process.

But that wouldn’t be entirely honest. The truth is, I’ve been prioritising everything else except this book and this blog. Not because it matters least… but because it matters most. What I’m learning is that sometimes the voice disguises herself: sometimes she sounds exactly like rational, practical, thoughtful me.

As you know from my last post, I am on a quest to get to know this voice well, and definitely not ignore her. What I’ve noticed recently from digging deeper and listening harder, is that she isn’t always out to get me- in fact most of the time she’s just genuinely looking out for me:

“You deserve this holiday; you work so hard. Slow down and relax.”

“The main priority for you right now is sleep. Just drink honey and lemon tea and go to bed.”

“You haven’t seen your friends since before you went away- they are good for your soul, catch up with them and have fun.”

And thank God- sometimes we need her to do exactly that. She’s the same person who screams “watch out for that bus!” when we’re crossing the road, and the same person who squeals, “wear gloves, it’ll hurt!” when we’re taking the apple pie out of the oven.

Pixar’s Inside Out does an amazing job of showing us exactly why this voice is important:

Yes, they call him Fear.

What’s interesting is that if you look closely throughout the film, you’ll notice that Fear is not the leading emotion for any of the main characters. In fact, he is the leading emotion for only one character in the whole film: the bully at Riley’s school. What this tells me — even if she has the honest intention of keeping me safe — is that she shouldn’t ever be in total control.

I could’ve written on my laptop during the flight, but instead I played ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire?’ on the in-flight entertainment. I could’ve worked on my story book in bed while ill, but instead I watched episode after episode of Law and Order SVU. And I could’ve spent some time seeing my friends whilst also carving out an evening or two (like I am right now) to do the work. I’m not trying to punish myself for my decisions- I am shedding light on the things we do (or don’t do) as a result of fear. And whether it’s obvious or not, that’s really what stopped me from making progress over the past month- nothing else.

You see, the truth is, I want to write this children’s book. I actually want to share what I’m learning with the world. This makes me happy and fulfilled and proud. When I let fear lead, I actually suppress those feelings. When I let fear lead, I don’t challenge myself, or make myself vulnerable. When I let fear lead, I’m unkind, destructive and incapable of connection. When I let fear lead, I drastically slow down my ability to be creative and grow as a person.

Sure, fear is important sometimes — yes — necessary even. We shouldn’t deny her existence because most of the time, she means well. But the point is, fear shouldn’t have the authority over the things we do in life. Fear should never be leading the way… There’s far too much to lose.

As I’ve said before, the reality is that this process is hard. And sometimes really knowing and understanding how she works (inside and out) isn’t going to be enough to get you through all by yourself. That’s why having someone hold you accountable for the work you deeply desire to do is absolutely crucial- it’s definitely been majorly important for me.

No matter who you are — whether you call her ‘the voice’, or Fear, or nothing at all — surround yourself with people who want to see you succeed, and be that person to someone else.

Because we weren’t brought into this world to do any of this alone.

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Tessa Day is an accredited Counsellor based in Australia. She has experience guiding clients through a wide range of challenges, including career, relationships, identity, stress, isolation, change, self-esteem, grief and loss. Reach out via her website to find out more: https://www.tessacounselling.com/

What Pixar can teach us about fear… was originally published in Mission.org on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Some people think starting is the toughest part of doing something. And yet for others, committing to something and seeing it through to the end is the impossible feat.

I understand the thinking behind both. In essence, it’s the same fears that stop us from beginning something that also prevents us from completing something too. It’s that same pesky voice that screams ‘what the hell do you know? You know nothing!’ that stops us from ever starting and it’s the same harsh critic that whispers ‘this is a load of crap…you are a load of crap… give up,’ that stops us from ever finishing. I despise her- that voice inside my head. I hate how unkind she can be and I hate how much control she has over so many of the things I deeply desire to do.

We talk about how to deal with ‘that voice’ a lot with our Tribers at Escape the City. We talk about how important it is to converse with the voice; to challenge her, to tell her she’s not being helpful and to come back another time.

We talk about how important it is to do the things that scare us, to push through regardless of what she says, because we know that the things she pipes up the loudest about are often the things that make us more interesting, more fulfilled and better off.

This shit is hard though - even for those of us that know how you’re supposed to deal with it. And sometimes, sadly, she wins.

I’ve wanted to get started on writing my first children’s book for at least six months now. She hasn’t been exactly championing the idea though- cropping up when I need it least:

‘You don’t know how to write a children’s book. What do you know about creative writing anyway? You don’t even know any kids!’

‘You don’t have time to waste on this kind of thing. It’s not like you’ll get anything from doing it- what use is it?’

‘There are so many children’s books these days. What makes you think you’ll be able to write one good enough to stand out from the rest? You’re kidding yourself.’

But I’m tired of giving in to her. I’m sick of letting her win. I’ve never written a book before but I am going to do it- regardless of what she or anyone else has to say about it. Because she’s only getting worse as time goes on. I can’t even imagine the 90-year-old version of her; she will be ruthless. I know that the more I do the things she’s afraid of, the less she’ll have to say about it.

This is the first of a series of blog posts I’ll be writing about what I’m learning from writing my first children’s book. I’ll talk about some of the practical things, but I’ll also share with you how I’m dealing with her along the way — because no doubt, just as she tried to stop me from starting, she’ll try and stop me from finishing. I hope that by sharing what I’m learning I can help you start whatever it is you deeply desire to start, as well as help you see whatever it is you have started right through to the very end.

Because it’s important to remember that sometimes she doesn’t win. Sometimes we prove her very, very wrong.

Read my next post →

Tessa Day is an accredited Counsellor based in Australia. She has experience guiding clients through a wide range of challenges, including career, relationships, identity, stress, isolation, change, self-esteem, grief and loss. Reach out via her website to find out more: https://www.tessacounselling.com/

An important message for all graduates.

University felt like a safe haven for me; as long as I was studying, I felt as though I didn’t have to decide exactly what I wanted to do with my life. If I’m totally honest, I chose to go to university for hundreds of other reasons; to pursue a job was never one of them.

Alas I eventually graduated and all of a sudden it felt like ‘BAM! Decide!’

Within weeks after receiving my results, I remember sharing some concerns with one of my older friends. I told them how I was worried because I felt a bit lost. I felt confused as to what career path I should take, and anxious about what things I could actually offer to an employer or an organisation. My friend, with the best intentions, attempted to console me by saying, ‘Oh don’t worry. Our generation, on average, changes careers six times throughout their lifetime — I still don’t know what I want to do!’

Could it be true that the only way to find a fulfilling career would be to endure six meaningless jobs first?

Six? I couldn’t quite comprehend this number.

Why are so many of us changing careers six times throughout our lives? Is it because we happen to enjoy change, and are more excited than our elders about doing different things? I guess I liked this answer; it was positive and hopeful, and alleviated some of the stress — but I didn’t believe it. Deep down I felt suspicious and cynical; could it be true that the only way to find a fulfilling career would be to endure six meaningless jobs first?

As much as I appreciated my friend’s advice, I felt more anxious than I could’ve ever possibly imagined.

Nevertheless when I began looking on The Guardian job page, one thing became very apparent to me; I could not be picky. I needed a job, and so did 12 million other graduates in the UK. Thus I began the tedious process of application writing. Sure enough I found my first meaningless job in marketing. Six months on however and I’m elated to say it only took one job and not six.

There seems to be a mindset amongst people my age (and maybe this extends to other generations as well) that when you find a job after graduating, you have to ‘stick it out’. I really wasn’t enjoying my first job, and yet I criticised myself for this.

I would like to share with all students, twenty-somethings and everyone in between what I believe to be one of the most over-looked tragedies of young graduates today: we excessively undervalue our intelligence, abilities and worth in the ‘real’ world.

How is this a tragedy?

When I began working in marketing I found myself constantly questioning my decision-making. I thought I was on the right track, things were going well, but I didn’t really have anyone guiding the strategic choices I was making for the firm.

Having been a student for the past four years, I wasn’t exactly used to this kind of a ‘non-learning’ environment. I don’t mean to say that I needed someone to hold my hand, stroke my cheek and tell me ‘you’re doing great’ — not at all. But I wanted to broaden the knowledge behind the decisions I was making.

I wanted to learn how to improve my choices, and to see things from different angles, to learn what to challenge and what to push forward. I couldn’t gain this in the environment I was in, and yet I felt so ready to absorb and master new talents.

I realised very quickly that I wasn’t there to learn or grow. I was only there to complete the trivial tasks that others didn’t have time for. Rather than having conviction in my intelligence and capabilities, I started to believe that this was what it meant to be a graduate in first time employment, and I began to devalue my worth.

I don’t necessarily believe a graduate should soar straight into an executive position just because they have been to university — not that they can’t, either — but there are two disheartening tragedies that come from this kind of situation.

1. Your confidence slows down and your development goes into recession.

“It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry; for this delicate little plant, aside from stimulation, stands mainly in need of freedom. Without this it goes to wrack and ruin without fail.” — Albert Einstein.

This quote really resonates with me. Whether in school, at university or in the workplace, you can lose your abilities to experiment and be creative, if you are not given the freedom to do so. Roxane Liddell, learning consultant at Saffron Interactive, describes learning as more than ‘acquiring knowledge — it is about exploring, taking a step into the unknown and creating experiences where experiential learning can take place… We have much to learn from children in their refusal to stop questioning and wondering’.

In a restrictive, and uninspiring environment, I lost confidence very quickly because I wasn’t experiencing the virtues in challenging my weaknesses and fostering my strengths. I started to forget everything that I was good at, and everything that made me curious. Gradually I became more and more demotivated.

2. As a detrimental result of this, You get stuck.

I wasn’t happy, yet I did very little to change my situation. Mostly I felt conflicted.

Every time I felt lost and despondent I made matters worse by feeling ungrateful. I felt spoilt for not focusing on the positive of being in full time employment straight out of university. I told myself that I was lucky to be working and to make the most of it by sticking it out. I was caught up in the belief that any experience is better than no experience at all. This just isn’t true.

The co-founder of Escape the City, Rob Symington, discusses in hisTED talk how there are two kinds of people in corporate jobs. First, there are the kinds of people who know their purpose; the kinds that know exactly what they are getting out of the experience. And then there are the other kinds, the ones who end up there by mistake.

I accidentally found myself in marketing, because I rushed into finding whatever job I was offered. I lost confidence in my capabilities, and so sabotaged any notion of quitting. For graduates, we sabotage ourselves not so much out of fear (we have a lot less to lose), but rather more so out of failure to take pride in our abilities and strengths. The belief that you aren’t good enough, or smart enough, or experienced enough to do something you truly value, leads you to be complacent in a job that you found by mistake. If Escape has taught me anything so far, it’s that you won’t feel complacent for long. Eventually it will swallow you whole.

Clinical psychologist, Meg Jay gave a provocative TED talk last year titled, ’Why 30 is not the new 20’. In this talk she argues that your twenties is your defining decade, highlighting in particular the importance of gaining ‘identity capital’. By this Meg is urging twenty-somethings to do something that adds value to who you are; do something that is an investment in who you might want to be next.

“No one knows the future of work, but I do know this; identity capital begets identity capital. Now is the time to get that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try. I’m not discounting twenty-something exploration here. But I am discounting exploration that’s not supposed to count, (which by the way is not exploration, that’s procrastination). Explore work, and make it count.”

She also says this:

“Twenty-somethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji. Likewise, at 21, or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous affect across years and even generations to come.”

So what have I learned?

1. You don’t need to gain experience in meaningless work.

We’re told over, and over again by peers, lecturers, professors and parents that experience is everything, and largely it is. But if it’s meaningless and valueless it will drive you backwards, and you’ll begin to feel dumber every day.

2. Never again will it been easier to be picky.

As a graduate it’s so easy to be lured in to a job with a nice pay cheque, particularly after spending 4 years living off rice, cider and pot-noodles. We know how to live off very little, in fact many of us have become very good at it. However it’s much more difficult to choose a job you truly love once you’re used to twice as much pay, and have three times as many expenses. Now is the time to be picky.

3. Listen to your instincts.

You know what you know. And, if you’re wise, you’ll know what you don’t know and what you need to do to grow and progress in your career and as a human being. If you don’t feel like you’re learning or being challenged in the right way, it’s probably because you’re not.

4. Ignore people who tell you that you don’t understand the ‘real’ world just because you’ve been at university for the last four years.

In the last year alone, you’ve probably displayed more examples of critical thinking than those people have ever displayed in their whole lives. ‘Get back to the real world’, or ‘Monday morning — back to reality’; these terms are outdated and often only used by those working in corporate jobs they don’t like. Your reality doesn’t have to be shit.

5. Be kind to yourself.

You didn’t work your arse off at university just to feel unintelligent when you graduated. Take pride in your abilities, and don’t underestimate your worth just because you need a job.

6. Don’t wait to escape.

Above everything, I cannot stress this last point enough. Being unfulfilled in your job does things to your being you wouldn’t imagine — and I’ve only had a glimpse of it.

“Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know, or didn’t do. You’re deciding your life right now.” — Meg Jay.

This article was originally posted on the Escape The City Blog.

Tessa Day is an accredited Counsellor based in Australia. She has experience guiding clients through a wide range of challenges, including career, relationships, identity, stress, isolation, change, self-esteem, grief and loss. Reach out via her website to find out more: https://www.tessacounselling.com/

Simple; our education sets us up for inevitable disappointment.

At Escape the City we are challenging the status quo, and questioning what it means to spend our entire lives doing something we don’t enjoy. As it turns out, there is an entire tribe of people — all over the world — who agree life is too short to do work that doesn’t matter to you.

This isn’t just an idea, this is a movement; a way forward, a complete shift in approach to work and life.

Every day people look to escape their boring corporate jobs to find something more meaningful. By facilitating workshops, courses,opportunities and Tribes we are trying to help. This problem is incredibly real and incredibly consequential, but our solution is not enough.

If we are really serious about shifting our attitudes towards more meaningful work, then we need to do more; we need to address the root causes of this problem and completely eradicate it from the ground, up.

And this takes us all the way back to our five-year-old selves…

School.

You may or may not be familiar with the factory model of our education system. Before the 19th century there were no real systems of public education, thus the idea is that they came together to meet the needs of industrialism.

In other words,“the back door of the school led to the front door of the factory”, and students were only taught the essential skills required to become a successful factory worker.

100 years later and our schools are still operating this way. Co-founder and Chief Executive Officer of New Classrooms Innovation Partners, Joel Rose discusses how little this system has changed in over ten decades.

“Some predicted that the demand for better schools, coupled with the supply of computers and new software, would soon revolutionise our nation’s classrooms. It didn’t quite happen.”

Joel suggests that the reason schools have not seen the same positive impact of tech that the rest of society has seen, is due to the fact that all educational tools — technology related or not — are still being used within the same outdated structure of the 19th century education model.

If we are to see real change, we have to change the entire system.

And trust me, we want change.

Research carried out by the Centre for Economic and Social Inclusion, found that 178,100 British 16- to 18-year-olds failed to complete post 16 qualifications they had embarked upon in 2012–2013.

A report by Civic Enterprises in association with Peter D. Hart Research Associates for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, found that 47% of young dropouts reported being bored and disengaged from high school, and 69% of respondents said they were not motivated or inspired to work hard.

This is not just a case of blaming our high schools though, as 45% of young dropouts felt they were poorly prepared by their earlier schooling.

And it doesn’t stop with lower education either. In 2013, more than 26,000 British students dropped out of university because they felt disconnected and demotivated with the course they had chosen to study.

I’m going to be very blunt here; the way we are doing things is not working. Primary school isn’t working. High school isn’t working. University isn’t really working. It’s no wonder we’re all finding ourselves stuck in corporate jobs we don’t like — our entire education system sets us up for inevitable disappointment.

It’s sadly unsurprising.

So how do we change?

Author and educator, Sir Ken Robinson shares brilliant knowledge in his TED talk, ‘How schools kill creativity’ — I insist you watch it.

Three quarters of the way through, Robinson addresses the way industrialism shaped the hierarchal design of public education. He claims that there are two main ideas that determined the hierarchy of subjects that we still see in schools today; maths, science and languages at the top, humanities in the middle and arts at the bottom.

• The first idea is that the most useful subjects for work, had to be at the top: you were probably steered away from the subjects you really liked doing as a child on the basis that they wouldn’t get you a job when you finished.
• And the second idea is focused on academic ability: which is a complete domination of our understanding of intelligence.

Robinson argues that the ‘whole system of public education around the world is a protracted process of university entrants, and that the consequence is that many highly talented, brilliant, creative people think they’re not.’

So what should we do instead? We need to allow creativity not only to occur, but to flourish.

A little six year old girl was in a drawing lesson. The teacher said this little girl hardly ever paid any attention — but in this drawing lesson, she was sitting at the back, drawing. The teacher was fascinated and went over to her and said, ‘what are you drawing?’ And the little girl responded, ‘I’m drawing a picture of God’. The teacher took a step back and said, ‘but nobody knows what God looks like.’ And the little girl said, ‘they will in a minute’.

Robinson shares this wonderfully childish story to show the way children take chances. If they don’t know something, they’ll have a go anyway — they are not afraid of being wrong.

“We are now running national education systems where mistakes are the worst thing you can make. The result is we are educating people out of their creative capacities.”

Robinson shares three things we know about intelligence,

1. It’s diverse: we think about the world in all the ways that we experience it.
2. It’s dynamic: The brain isn’t divided into compartments, in fact creativity more often than not comes about through the interaction of different disciplinary ways of seeing things.
3. It’s distinct: it stands out and urges to express itself.

For us to get the most out of our children, it is crucial that we provide an environment where they can play and experiment, and create in all the ways that allow their intelligence to shine. Whether that’s dancing, or building or acting or singing — the sooner we see creativity as of the same importance that we see literacy, maths, science and language, we can start to build a better education system for our children.

But how?

Remember how I said there is an entire tribe of people in the world trying to do something different? Well it really is true — there are people all over the globe, from India, to Brazil to Australia, who truly believe in the same movement.

In India, a wonderful woman, designer, educationist, and social entrepreneur, Kiran Sethi challenges children every day to ‘take charge’. She too believed that the way we are trying to educate people isn’t working and decided to explore possible solutions. From her research she found that if learning is embedded in real world context — that is, if you blur the boundaries between school and life — children go through a remarkable journey of becoming…

1. Aware: they can see the change.

2. Enabled: they can be changed.

3. Empowered: they can lead the change.

This attitude of ‘I can’ directly correlates with increased levels of student wellbeing, and actually positively impacts all areas of their learning.

In 2009 Kiran Sethi challenged 100, 000 children of India to say, I can. She asked them to decide one idea (anything that bothers them), and in one week change one billion lives.

And what happened? “When you say ‘you can’, they will.”

All over India children were solving numerous issues, from loneliness, to filling pot holes in the streets, to alcoholism, to 32 children who put a stop to 16 child marriages. When children feel empowered, not only do they do well — they do absolutely remarkable things.

In Brazil, CEO and entrepreneur, Ricardo Semler designed and built his own public school, named Lumiar, which has since been chosen as one of the 12 most innovative schools in the world (a survey by Unesco, Stanford University and Microsoft). There are a number of reasons why Lumiar is a very special place to learn, but here are the top five that stood out to me.

1. The educators are organised into two groups: the tutor, whose job it is to look after the wellbeing of the child, supporting them with issues inside of school, and issues outside of school. And the master, whose role it is to plan and coordinate learning projects.
2. They have 10 great threads for areas of learning from ages 2–17, that cover things like: How do we measure ourselves? (A place for maths and physics etc). How do we express ourselves? (A place for music and literacy etc). And ‘we have things which everyone has forgotten — probably the most important things in life, the very important things in life we know nothing about. We know nothing about love, we know nothing about death, we know nothing about why we’re here. So we need a thread in school that talks about everything we don’t know.’
3. Students choose which thread they want to study based on their interests in that moment in time, alongside all others who share that interest, regardless of age.
4. They focus on reconnecting children’s knowledge with real projects, such as ‘how to build a bicycle’. Ricardo says, ‘try to build a bicycle without knowing pie equals 3.1416? You can’t.’ Try to use 3.1416 on it’s own? You can’t really do this either.
5. The children decide the repercussions for when they fail to do the work that they have said they would do.

Ricardo believes that we should not wait until we are old and retired, and have accumulated lots of money to start to ‘giving back’ to the world. “If you are giving back, you took too much. Share as you go.”

And lastly, in Australia, children’s author John Marsden also set up an alternative education system that is proving, year after year, just how effective a creative and autonomous education system is on children’s learning. You can listen to a radio interview with him below.

What I have found most remarkable is not how poorly the old system is working, nor how desperately we need change, but that there are examples upon examples of those who have actually made a difference.

Liz Coleman, president of Bennington College, acknowledges in her TED talk, A Call to Reinvent Liberal Arts Education, the courage it takes to challenge something we have always known and done. But she concludes that ‘being overwhelmed is the first step if you are serious about trying to get at things that really matter on a scale that makes a difference.’

I truly hope you feel overwhelmed. I hope you feel so overwhelmed that you ask but what can I do? How can I help?

“Well you have two things; you have a mind and you have people. Start with those and change the world.”

— Liz Coleman.

This article was originally posted on the Escape The City Blog.

Tessa Day is an accredited Counsellor based in Australia. She has experience guiding clients through a wide range of challenges, including career, relationships, identity, stress, isolation, change, self-esteem, grief and loss. Reach out via her website to find out more: https://www.tessacounselling.com/