Self-talk is one of the most important ways we can connect with and understand ourselves. Whether you talk to yourself in your head or you have a full-on, out-loud conversation with yourself (like me), self-talk is vital for processing our thoughts and emotions.

But it can be easy to lose track of the way in which we speak to ourselves.

When we speak to others we receive constant feedback. With each word and intonation, we see the way the other person responds to us. They frown or smile, furrow or raise their brow.

With each expression, we adjust. We correct to be better understood or to create a certain tone. We learn what they can tolerate, what might set them off or make them go quiet.

However, when we speak to ourselves we don’t have the same response/feedback indicator. We don’t give a second thought to the way we talk to ourselves.

What results is a potentially toxic and harmful method of speaking to oneself. One that never gets corrected and yet, still has the latent emotional effects of someone else having said it.

To be self-accepting and respecting adults, we need to talk to ourselves in a way that suggests we actually do accept and respect ourselves. Which means that negative self-talk needs to stop.

We need to speak to ourselves as though we are speaking to our bosses, our best friends, our parents. After all, you deserve just as much respect as they do.

But changing this pattern of behavior is hard. We don’t call ourselves out like we would if someone were rude to us. So I’ve compiled a list of five negative phrases I often mutter to myself. Then I’ve provided alternatives to help make your self-talk positive, productive and loving.

“That was stupid of me!” → “That’s a common mistake.”

Look, we all do stupid things. Not a day goes by when I walk into a room without forgetting why. Sometimes I look frantically for my phone while it’s in my hand. I won’t get into how many times I’ve left a drink on the roof of my car.

None of these things make me stupid. They make me human. They make me an adult with a lot of things on my mind. And yet I still think to myself, “Damn, that was stupid.” Imagine if your friend said this to you? Sure, they might tease you a bit, but if they’re genuinely telling you you’re stupid, it’s time for new friends.

We all do stupid things. Give yourself a break. You’re still valuable. You can still create. You can still do a great job at work. You can still be a great lover.

You did something dumb. So what? Have a good laugh at yourself and go crush the rest of your day.

“Why is this happening to me?” → “How can I respond to this?”

This is the question of the year 2020. Pandemics, racial strife, economic meltdowns . . . the list goes on and on. This year has been nothing but setbacks for the vast majority of us.

To make matters worse, it feels like there is so little we can do about any of it. We’re not talking about an annoying coworker, fighting with your spouse or getting a flat tire. We’re talking serious, life-changing events all happening at once.

But asking yourself “why” does zero good. It sends the message to you that you’re powerless. You’re not. You may not be able to stop a pandemic on your own, but you can control your response to it. You can’t always prevent getting laid off but you can choose what you will do about it.

Talk to yourself in a way that empowers you to act. Don’t resign yourself to the fate of the universe. Be an active participant in your life. You happen to the world, it doesn’t happen to you.

“I hope they like me.” → “I hope I like them.”

Who doesn’t want to be liked? It’s only natural. But here’s the reality: whether or not someone likes you is none of your concern.

You have no control over it. It’s their choice, their prerogative. All you can do is show up and be who you are. If they like you, great. If they don’t, great.

Of course, you could alter your behavior in a way to try and make another person like you. But this isn’t a tenable way to go through life.

For one, you’ll be stuck acting like something you aren’t. This is the fast track to an unhappy life and imbalanced relationships. Second, by altering your behavior you’re liable to come off as fake and/or desperate, a pair of traits nobody likes.

Masking your true self to be liked is a sure-fire to way to have a bad relationship whether it’s professional, platonic or romantic.

Instead, give yourself the power. Your only concern is if you’ll like them. Your goal on a date is to determine if you’re attracted to them. Your goal in a job interview is to determine if you’ll enjoy working there. You’re not there to impress, you’re there to be impressed.

“I wish I had their life.” → “What am I taking for granted?”

The advent of social media has changed the way we perceive the world. It inundates us with everyone else’s life. But what we see on platforms like Instagram is rarely a representation of real life.

Instead, we get a collection of curated moments purveying the illusion of perfection. This onslaught of pseudo-perfection fools us into believing that everyone else has a better life.

While a great indicator of emotional maturity is recognizing this for what it is, we still slip. Envy happens. FOMO creeps in. We can’t always expect to be our most enlightened, resilient selves.

But when these negative feelings and thoughts creep in, it’s time to redirect your energy. Check in with your own life and recognize what you’ve been taking for granted.

Return yourself to gratitude. It has innumerable benefits. What do you have that someone else would die for? What do you have in your life today that you wished for yesterday?

“I’m a failure.” →”Every failure brings me closer to success.”

This is one of the most common forms of negative self-talk because everyone fails at some point. Ambition and failure go hand in hand. If you aren’t experiencing failure, you aren’t growing.

But it is so easy to forget that failure is an outcome to a result, not a character trait. You can fail but you cannot be a failure.

In fact, failure is an essential tool for growth. It is how we learn and improve. Without failure, we can’t discover the things that don’t work. By calling yourself a failure, you internalize the idea that you are doomed to fail forever.

Instead, understand failure’s place in your path to success. If you want to succeed, failure is not an option, it is a requirement.

Failure doesn’t define you, don’t talk to yourself like it does.

Negative self-talk reinforces and internalizes negative feelings about yourself. It undermines your ability to improve your self-esteem and make other positive advancements in life.

Changing a deeply held pattern of behavior like the way in which you speak to yourself isn’t an easy task. Self-correction is tough. It requires a level of diligence and focus most aren’t used to.

But by keeping a keen ear to the way in which you speak to yourself, you can begin changing the pattern. You can reverse the cycle of negativity. In turn, you’ll create positive energy that radiates out from the center of your being.

How to Treat Yourself Better was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Head stuck in the sand

buried from reality

beliefs: safe and sound.

Muscle, not water.

Use consistently and the

well runeth over.

I am lucky.

I have a roommate with whom I share a wonderful relationship. We are friends, we engage regularly and we (for the most part) mindfully share our space.

In fact, in my last piece I ranked my roommate #2 on a list of things for which I was grateful. She was on the list because few people are blessed to have a co-quaratiner with whom they share such a relationship. Others yet are isolated with nobody at all.

The detrimental effects of extended isolation are devastating.

While taking time to yourself is essential for your health, too much of it is, frankly, terrible for you. It has been linked to both mental and physical health deterioration including: depression, suicide, cardiovascular disease and stroke.

As safer-at-home and shelter-in-place orders stand, isolation and distancing are the new normal. Cultivating connection in this new landscape is key to your health and wellness. But how exactly does one generate connection in isolation?

Help someone.

This crisis has left millions of people in dire need of help. Volunteering will not only connect you to other people, it will also connect you to a higher sense of purpose. It will help you feel useful and capable. Most importantly, you’ll be an active part of the solution.

You don’t have to be a medical professional or an essential worker to be a participant in this fight. People are struggling in a myriad of ways and everyone can lend a hand. Some ways to safely and responsibly help out include:

• Donate blood.
• Start a mutual aid network (or locate one).
• Call a local non-profit and inquire about volunteering.
• Check on your neighbors.
• Donate to a local food bank.
• Donate money to any of the dozens of programs to help those out of work.
• Make masks.

Practice gratitude.

If you’ve read my writing you know I swear by gratitude. I practice it whenever and wherever I can. It works wonders in every area of your life but can be a great tool for cultivating connection too. The key here is to focus on the people you’re grateful for.

Think about who you’re looking forward most to hugging when social distancing is eased. Meditate on and visualize the things you’ll do with them. Ruminate on their best traits and the way they make you feel. Write these down and tell them what you wrote.

And then…

Do activities together.

Technology is a great. The luxuries of FaceTime and Zoom are god-sends. But random FaceTime dates can feel forced and contrived. They can be awkward and create feelings of separation rather than connection.

So instead of Zooming just to talk, make an activity out of it. FaceTime and play video games online. Play a game of trivia over Skype. Wine taste over Zoom. Meet for a cup of coffee.

The most connective thing about a shared experience are the bits we actually share. It’s the ambience of the restaurant, the vibe of the live show, the smell of the bar. We derive connection not only from each other, but from the very things we do together.

Another great idea is to workout together. You can take an online class or develop your own routine. This has multiple benefits. Not only does it hold you accountable, but it also gives you a buddy to commiserate with during the hard bits. Not to mention it’ll send your endorphins through the roof!

Don’t have a friend who wants to workout with you? This F45 franchise is offering a pay-what-you-can plan for a 40-minute HIIT workout. You have the same trainers every week so you get to know the people you’re working with as they train you in a fun and engaging way.

Maintain/create your routine.

“You are what you repeatedly do.”- Aristotle

Your routine is the key to who you are. It is the doorway to your connection with yourself and your purpose.

That connection to purpose is just as important as a connection to others. A routine fosters that connection. It keeps us grounded. It shows us who we are and points us toward who we want to be. Without it we are in grave danger of listlessness, spiraling and depression.

In this pandemic isolation isn’t only inevitable, it is essential. Your isolation is your duty. We all have to sacrifice to achieve the greater goal, and in that sacrifice we all have to give up parts of ourselves.

Many of us won’t have to risk our lives. Instead our sacrifice will be the daunting prospect of extended isolation. Dangerous and devastating though that can be, if we master these tools of connectivity, everyone’s sacrifice can be a little bit smaller.

How to Create Connection in Isolation was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Anyone who has struggled with mental health knows the fleeting and fragile nature of joy. Focus too much on attaining it and it eludes you. Focus too little and your capacity to cultivate it atrophies like dead muscle.

Instead we discover that the existence of joy is fickle. It requires a delicate balance of pleasure, discipline, passion and productivity. And that balance requires constant modification as our lives ebb and flow.

At best, this process requires a dedicated practice and a Jedi-like understanding of oneself. At worst, it can feel like trying to navigate a rowboat through a hurricane.

And yet we persevere. We take time out of our night to journal. We develop an exercise routine and eat a balanced diet. We practice moderation and curate a healthy social circle. We hold space for our careers and our families.

But given the constant effort it takes to maintain joy in our everyday lives what are we to do when crisis strikes? How do we maintain joy when a spouse leaves? When our job disappears? When a parent dies? When our savings runout? Or when a global pandemic leaves us locked away in our homes?

No one expects this shift to be seamless. Things are not the same. The job is gone. The routine is gone. It is a major upheaval that could take days, weeks or even months to fine tune.

But that doesn’t mean we’re doomed to significant periods of listlessness and depression. We can cultivate joy during these times of transition with one simple practice.

The practice of gratitude.

Daily gratitude may not be a new concept to many people, but it is of particular import during a crisis.

Crises hijack our minds. We panic, we ruminate, we imagine the worst case scenario. We dream about how things used to be, about how much harder life is now. We focus on the negative.

But gratitude rescues our minds. In an instant it shifts our focus away from that which is beyond our control and onto that which brings us joy.

In fact, the scientific benefits of practicing gratitude are well documented.

UC Davis researcher Robert Emmons conducted a study of over 1000 people and found that those who kept a gratitude journal experienced a slew of benefits including: stronger immune systems, lower blood pressure, more restful sleep, decreased feelings of loneliness and higher levels of alertness, joy and pleasure.

The best part is: practicing gratitude isn’t difficult or time consuming.

Just find time in your day to express what you are grateful for. Once a day, twice a day, whatever works for you. It doesn’t matter how you express it. You can journal about it. You can write it in bullet points. You can say it out loud to yourself or your roommate or your mom or your dog.

Thinking about it isn’t enough. Write it. Or say it. It is essential to physicalize it because physicalization makes something real. Thoughts are imaginary. But that which we speak or write exists in the universe. It is tangible.

In our current circumstances it is vital we keep tabs on our perspective of the world. Confined to our homes, watching death rates rise, it is easy to wallow in negativity. But we also must be wary of the ways in which we attempt to shift our perspective.

In the cacophony of voices even the most well-meaning will attempt to shame us. I have read many pieces condemning complaints of restlessness and loneliness. I have read comparisons of this quarantine to Anne Frank and to the holocaust in general. I have heard shaming of the unproductive.

Reject these assertions. Reject them outright. These do nothing but attempt to invalidate the fear, anxiety and uncertainty we all justly feel.

Instead we should reframe our perspective around that which can still bring us joy. Forget how small or silly it may seem. Quiet mornings. Binging a new show. The fact that your dog is thrilled you’re home all the time. They all count. They all matter.

A crisis is defined as a time of intense trouble, difficulty or danger. But while the severity of this crisis should not be ignored or doubted, we do not have to let it destroy us.

Focus your energy on that which fosters joy and it will be plentiful.

Here are 5 things I am grateful for. I invite you to share whatever you may be grateful for in the comments.

1. My Health
2. My Friends (specifically my roommate without whom I’d be completely devoid of human contact)
3. My Patio
4. My Assortment of Sparkling Water
5. Journalists

Maintaining Joy in a Time of Crisis was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

A guru once said

that kindness is an act of

utmost defiance

We’ve all faced depression.

For some of us it’s a clinical issue, a chemical imbalance in our brains. For others it’s the result of trauma, like the loss of a loved one or a sexual assault. For others yet, it is an inability to cope with society’s expectations.

Regardless of the cause, anyone who has suffered from depression knows how crippling it can be. The pervasive inertia. The paralysis.

Depression distorts our worldview. It skews our perspective. It makes us feel as if we’re constantly rolling the boulder uphill.

But depression is not reality. It is simply a feedback loop in which negative feelings and self destructive behaviors reinforce each other. The longer it goes unchecked the tighter it grips our mental, emotional and physical states.

Depression focuses on what we can’t do. This makes us feel worse and, in turn, narrows our scope of capability, crippling our self-esteem.

But if we learn to identify depression for what it is — a vicious cycle, we can begin to break it.

This doesn’t mean monumental accomplishments. You don’t have to write your entire novel today. You don’t have to lose 20 pounds this month. You don’t have to make your first million this year.

You just have to break the cycle.

You do this with small actions. Miniscule. Microscopic. Trying to do too much can result in failure which will only reinforce the negative feelings and depressive cycle.

Instead focus on the small things you can do. Focus on the things you aren’t afraid of until you build the courage and resilience to tackle the bigger things.

So on the days when you wake up and feel the crushing weight of anxiety and depression, here are five tiny acts of self-care you can take to start actively fighting the inertia that is depression.

1. Drink Water

Yea. It’s that simple. Spend all day on the couch. Watch another episode. Hell, binge the entire season. But drink water while you’re doing it.

Find out how much you should drink per day based on your weight and hit that goal. Not only are hydrated people proven to be happier but drinking water is the most basic act of self-care. It will send the subconscious message to yourself that you are valuable.

Furthermore, the more water you drink the less you’ll reach for sugary alternatives.

Not sold? 9 Reasons to Drink Water that Have Nothing to do with Being Thirsty.

2. Talk to Someone

Anyone. It doesn’t have to be a therapist. It could be a friend. A neighbor. Your mom. A Stranger.

Just talk to someone.

Humans are social. We need connection. Depression causes us to withdraw. It makes us feel hopelessly alone. It makes others seem more distant than ever.

But that is an illusion which can be quickly destroyed by creating connection.

You don’t have to inundate people with your life’s problems. You don’t even have to tell them how you’re feeling. Talk about the weather. Play a game. Or ask them about themselves. Listening to another person is proven to help you feel better about yourself.

Find someone, anyone. Talk to them. Listen to them. Spend time with another. Connect. Misery might love company, but depression wants nothing to do with it.

3. Walk

Walk somewhere. Anywhere. Around the block. To the other side of the yard. Walk for five minutes. Or ten minutes. Just get up and move.

Exercise is one of the most effective anti-depressants. It releases endorphins stopping the depressive cycle in its tracks.

I know that in the depths of a depressive bout even a pushup can seem impossible. But you don’t have to get your ass kicked at the gym. You just have to throw on some sneakers and go.

Walking breaks up the static. It might not be rigorous exercise, but it gets the blood flowing. It boosts creativity. Most importantly, it sends the signal to your brain that you’re trying.

Even if all you can do is put one foot in front of the other. Right now, that’s all you need to do.

4. Take a Shower

Those of us who have experienced a truly crippling depressive spell know self-care takes a back seat.

I’m not talking about the tertiary self-care like meditation and reflection. I’m talking barebones, fundamental self-care. Hygiene. Brushing your teeth. Washing your clothes. Taking a shower.

Depression is indifference. It tells you that you don’t matter. From there the feedback loop kicks in. The grosser you are, the grosser you feel, the grosser you allow yourself to become.

You can stop that. Take a shower. Clean yourself up. Take pride in your appearance. Put on jeans. Wear some makeup. The simple act of putting on the nice dress or throwing on a clean shirt will immediately boost your mood.

5. Clean Your Home

Cleaning has a two-fold effect of positivity. First, it’s a physical activity. Like walking it will get you moving and boost your endorphins.

Second, environmental factors are enormous when it comes to depression. Living in cluttered, crowded spaces are bad for mental clarity. In order to prosper, our environments must be places of which our brains can make sense.

You don’t have to be Marie Kondo. But you do need to treat your space with respect. Clean the pan after you use it. Wipe the counter. Throw away the empty pizza box.

By showing your environment the respect it deserves, you are showing yourself the respect you deserve. This becomes all the more important when you consider the fact that our most constant visual cue is the state of our homes.

Priming your environment to be clean and orderly is a repeated cue to yourself that you are important and you value yourself.

Depression is a distorter. It makes life seem impossible. Like world is a marathon when we don’t even have the energy for a mile. But as long as we recognize the illusion, we can escape it.

Once we understand that depression is a cycle of a negativity that reinforces itself we can start to break it. But you don’t break it all at once. Don’t try to run the marathon.

Rather, take one step at a time.

5 Acts of Self-Love to Break the Depression Cycle Today was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Weight

This pressure, immense

pulverizes us into

dirt before diamonds.

Art

A haiku

To picture photons

with vision squarely pointed

opposite the sun