Little did I know, that smell was actually a monkey I was about to carry on my back for seven long months. Through family vacation, a trip to Europe, the gift of a newborn nephew, and so many moments with people I love — I felt miserable. Sulky. Doleful. Absolutely joyless. I was depressed. And even more so feeling like all my hard work had gone to waste.

I tried antidepressants and ended up feeling worst. I tried more therapy and meditation and journaling and thinking positively and self care. But let me just say from experience, habits are never formed in the valley of self loathing. Control was slipping through my fingers and I started to develop a lovely new sense of dread…GUILT.

You see, no one warned me about the insurmountable guilt that can come with not showing up to your own life for months on end. In fact, the depression started to pale in comparison to the guilt. I should have guessed it would be there, but a part of me hoped depression could be stifled to sadness, listlessness, and general malaise.

I started to develop an overwhelming amount of guilt when I thought about what an awful partner, co-worker, friend, daughter, aunt, sister, <insert all my other roles here>, I was turning into. The guilt turned to grief and grief was the fuel to that monkey on my back. It was a never ending cycle.

And then it finally clicked. I had to remove something from the cycle or the cycle would never stop. I realized I had to sit in the seat of my depression and accept it. Accept that whatever the hell my brain was going through was simply what I was going through — it said absolutely nothing about me, my character, my abilities. I didn’t have to feel guilty about being depressed because I never invited it here.

When the bare minimum requires maximum effort, turn off the guilt and turn on the grace.

(Doesn’t that sound like something Oprah would say?)

I traded the guilt for personal grace and it’s allowed me to look at my depression more objectively.

Truth is, I don’t know how I will wake up feeling tomorrow, but I know tonight I will go through my recently developed night time routine of getting ready for bed, reading a little of a personal growth book, and most importantly reflecting on how I felt that day through journaling. I usually end up jotting down a few things I’m feeling grateful for while a smile spreads across my face. Smiling triggers dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin which means that no matter how I woke up feeling that day, I’m usually going to bed feeling much better, and that’s enough for now.

If you too are suffering from never ending feelings of guilt, shame, hopelessness, or low self-esteem, I encourage you to start here. If you think you might be suffering from depression, I strongly encourage you to start with a psychologist before immediately running to a psychiatrist, especially if you can find a cognitive behavioral therapist in your area.

(Disclaimer: I’m not naive to severe depression and other mental health issues that can be 110% out of one’s control and this post is not meant to serve as a blanket statement of advice for anyone’s mental illness. This is story about my experience with mild/moderate depression; My experience learning how to remove a negative, distorted thought pattern from my consciousness. Something I was taught in cognitive behavioral therapy and questioned if I could ever actually do. I am, however, a firm believer that absolutely anyone can benefit from listening to your thoughts, identifying the lies you constantly tell yourself, and learning about the tools that can help you.)

I’ve read all the major nutrition and exercise science studies, all the NYTimes bestsellers, watched endless hours of YouTube vlogs and educational videos. My Instagram feed is full of health bloggers, body builders, bikini competitors, yoga instructors, Crossfit junkies, professional athletes, holistic wellness coaches — the list goes on. My interest is vast because I’m hyper-curious & incredibly obsessive. I’ll find myself fascinated with one topic for a few months (Veganism, counting macros, Bikram yoga, body building), then search high and low for all the reasons why that lifestyle/diet/fitness program is ineffective, based on old science, goes against nature, or is just flat out wrong. While I might be well informed, this approach leaves me overwhelmed and stagnant in my own personal goals, so I reach back into my bag of chips and continue slathering cheese on everything because why not? Everything is bad for you!

Moderation is something I’ve always struggled with — in my diet, in my relationships, in my approach to learning. Whole30 was no different. I read what seemed like every article, every book, and every blog post published on the topic for two years before deciding I was finally going to stop thinking about it and just do it already. I actually attempted a Whole30 two years ago when I first heard about it, but quickly failed and created excuses for myself like, “it just wasn’t the right time,” or “it’s just a fad and I don’t do fads.” <insert massive eye roll here>

Fast forward to today, I am 17 days post-Whole30 and truly feeling better than I have in many, many years. My journey up to this point in my life has been arduous and lengthy. I’ll save that for another post, but today I wanted to share why I decided to try it, what the experience was like, what my results were, and where I’m at now in my journey. I attribute a lot of my success to the social media community built around this movement, and others similar to it. The countless stories, meal prep tips, food photos, and before/after photos out there — it all helped me get to the finish line. So here I am putting my story out there in hopes it might inspire/educate/amuse you.

In short, Whole30 is considered an elimination diet or reset. You eliminate a lengthy list of foods (alcohol, grains, legumes, added sugar, dairy, soy, vegetable oil, and a host of chemicals/processed crap). You focus on eating quality protein, vegetables, fruit, and healthy fats. There’s other guidelines as well like no snacking, no Whole30-approved forms of your favorite foods (chips, pancakes, baked goods — aka trigger foods), and no cheating. At the end of the 30 days, you add food groups back into your diet one at a time to see how they affect you. You’ll figure out what foods make you bloated, give you breakouts, cause headaches, make you gain weight, etc. You can then make an educated decision when it’s appropriate to incorporate these foods back into your diet, if at all. Most people who complete a Whole30 challenge experience weight loss, numerous “non-scale victories”, and feel stronger mentally. The program isn’t perfect and doesn’t fix all your problems, but I am happy to say it’s been a leap in the right direction for me.

I was hoping to get a lot out of Whole30. I wanted weight loss, clearer skin, decreased anxiety, increased energy, more education/awareness around food, and I wanted to feel in control again. I wanted to start the new year off right by actually accomplishing a goal I set for myself, something I have struggled to do for longer than I am willing to admit. I was done breaking promises to myself, done with excuses, so done with feeling stuck and playing the victim card.

The challenge itself ended up not being as difficult as I thought it would be. In moments of weakness or frustration, I gave myself tough love.

It’s only 30 days. I am a grown woman. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot accomplish this.

Sure, there were lots of dirty dishes from meal prepping, lots of trips to multiple grocery stores (and constantly having to change up meal plans since key ingredients would be sold out), anxiety around going to social events sans alcohol, sadness around going without my favorite foods from my favorite restaurants for an entire month…but nothing about any of these statements is hard. It’s just uncomfortable, and after a couple weeks I didn’t really think about it anymore. I forced myself to let go of all the negative feelings and just accept the situation.

I experienced multiple non-scale victories during Whole30. I slept like a log every night, my afternoon energy slumps disappeared, my workouts lasted longer and felt easier, and my body composition quickly changed. The most surprising outcome was no longer experiencing hanger. I have always associated anxiety and anger with hunger — which is absolutely ridiculous since I have zero understanding of real hunger, but I have always been so controlled by meal time and so hyped up on crappy carbs and sugar that the time in between meals felt like a plane crash. Now I can easily go 7 hours without eating. While I do indeed feel hungry and my stomach growls, my mood is unaffected. I feel in control again. I take a bath instead of reaching for the bottle at the end of a long day. I go to bed early when I feel anxious and overwhelmed instead of mindlessly eating a bag of tortilla chips in front of the tv.

The weight loss was an obvious welcomed outcome as well. At the end of the challenge, I had lost 7 pounds and 7 inches. I lost mass in every area of my body, even my fingers! I can’t emphasize how important it is to take photos and measurements before and after Whole30. I also took photos mid way through the challenge which really helped motivate me to keep going.

But like I stated earlier, Whole30 doesn’t fix all your problems. My skin actually got worse and now remains unchanged from before. I didn’t ever feel extreme “tiger blood” energy except for during my workouts. I experienced digestion issues, potty problems, and even period problems — all things I am still dealing with now, but are incredibly common when going from eating a Standard American Diet (SAD) to eating clean/paleo, so I’m not too worried. I still have zero concept of moderation when it comes to wine, although I have been drinking a lot less frequently and I now feel the effects much more quickly, which (sometimes) causes me to drink less.

I didn’t follow the reintroduction phase to a T. There are rules and recommendations for that 10-day period as well, but I just went with what felt right. I’ve never had very dramatic food aversions in the past so it was less of a concern for me. I haven’t experienced any negative side effects to any food groups, except bloating. I’ve maintained eating mostly Whole30-compliant meals during the week, sometimes adding in some jasmine rice, or corn tortillas, or eating something that has a little added sugar in it like my favorite breakfast sausage.

My plan is to maintain a mostly paleo diet moving forward — still cooking Whole30-compliant meals and purchasing quality ingredients with no added sugar/additives/chemicals. On the weekends, I give myself the freedom to go with the flow. Sometimes I end up practicing the 80/20 approach, but sometimes it ends up being 20% paleo and 80% crap.

I never feel like I’ve fallen off any bandwagon though because Whole30 helped changed the way I think about food. There’s no good and bad, there’s just healthy and unhealthy. Sometimes I am going to choose to eat something less healthy for me and that’s okay because it’s my body. As long as it’s my choice, I’m willing to deal with the consequence. I don’t let myself get food guilt because life is too damn short. I have better things to be thinking about. I just tell myself to make a better decision next time and get on with my day.

In short, Whole30 will challenge you and change you if you allow it too. If you go through the 30 days feeling sorry for yourself and acting like a big, whiny baby, you’re not going to experience all of the benefits that you could. Trust the process, be open to change, and journal about your shitty feelings instead of drowning them in wine and crappy carbs.

You can read more about Whole30 here. And you can see more of my journey documented on Instagram. I hope to write more in the coming weeks and continue to document my experiences moving forward. Thank you for taking the time to read and please feel free to reach out if you have any questions/comments/feedback!