Entitled, arrogant, lazy, spoiled, narcissistic. That’s all we hear about young cats today. In the good old days, our cats were happy to hunt for mice and live in the barn. Now they expect to be fed organic freeze-dried turkey treats while they spend all day snapchatting, watching themselves on youtube, and doing things we generally consider to be a “waste of time” (because if you don’t see the value in doing something yourself, naturally it must be a waste of time). In another light, these cats are flexible, self-expressive, risk-taking, and innovative. However you feel about your millennial cat, it would be foolish to try to change them. Accept that this is the way things are now and cater to their needs or don’t even bother having a cat. As you learn to cope with the new normal, these strategies may help you manage your own team of upstart millennials.

Provide a fun, cat-centered workplace

Cats today need to enjoy their environment and want constant stimulation except when they want you to f*** off and leave them alone. Give them bright interactive play spaces equipped with cardboard boxes, dedicated cat iPads, and furniture designed with the millennial cat in mind like expensive mod wall shelves and speciality cat hammocks. If you provide them with a variety of new toys and ample places to scratch and nap, you are likely to have happy and productive cats. Leading experts suggest a 5:1 ratio of nap pods to cats.

They don’t take kindly to being ignored. They will meow their fuzzy faces off until you feed them or open whatever door you just closed.

Communicate on their level, which is the floor

Millennial cats expect loving owners who hang on their every word and whose lives revolve around them. They don’t take kindly to being ignored. They will meow their fuzzy faces off until you feed them or open whatever door you just closed. However if you try to interact with them when they aren’t interested, they will straight up ignore you. They have better things to do. Which is nothing. They have absolutely nothing to do and they want to keep it that way. Forcing your cat into a conversation is counterproductive (and a little sad). Just be available and let them come to you when they need companionship or input on which hashtags to use on their instagram post (let’s be honest, you have no idea).

Cater to their unique motives

All millennial cats have been coddled to their emotional incapacitation. They are literally incapable of doing simple things for themselves like their own laundry or cleaning their litter boxes. They expect technology to do these things for them. If the technology doesn’t exist, they will work harder to invent it than they will to do the original thing itself. Some call this lazy, but as we know, the greatest innovations in recent history have all come from cats. Cats today are uniquely motivated by their desire to make the world a better place (for themselves). Use this to your advantage by providing them with projects that pique their personal interests and don’t expect them to waste time on toil.

When the going gets rough, obviously the most effective advice to give your cat is to hang in there.

Give them constant praise

Cats only respond to positive reinforcement. Don’t bother giving them a compliment sandwich (a.k.a. poop sandwich), even if it is vegan and gluten-free. Sprinkle words of encouragement into every interaction and praise them for their accomplishments, no matter how trivial. If you’re concerned your cat is heading for failure, be straightforward and honest with them but know that if you’re overly critical, your words will be met with a blank stare. These cats have been raised to believe that they can do anything. If you try to discourage them with wisdom from your own experience, they simply won’t believe you. They have to learn and experience failure for themselves. When reality does set in and the going gets rough, obviously the most effective advice to give your cat is to hang in there.

Cultivate their leadership potential

If you think your cat is not the leader of your household, you are mistaken. Millennial cats are born leaders. But because of their lax and permissive upbringing, they have no respect for traditional authority, nor do they respond well to rigid protocols or displays of power. Don’t try to be your cat’s boss. Instead, aim to be their mentor. Encourage their self-assured can-do attitude and be approachable as you guide them in their pursuits. These are the most computer literate cats the world has ever seen. As natives to the internet age, they are adept in social media and self promotion. Recognize and leverage their natural ability to build provocative stories from their own experiences that will shape the world of the future.

It’s true that every older generation of cats has looked down upon the young upstarts with disdain since the beginning of cats. That’s because all young cats are universally inferior to those that are older, wiser and more experienced in life. There are no exceptions to this rule. I think we can all agree that it’s always best to apply blanket generalizations to large groups of cats, regardless of individual differences.

If you liked this article, be sure to recommend it and help spread good ideas as far and wide as tufts of cat hair caught in a warm summer’s breeze.

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Your cat is a millennial and he literally can’t even was originally published in HackerNoon.com on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

We can all agree that cats spend the vast majority of their time thinking through complex problems in innovative ways. We have so much to learn from them. After years of careful observation I’ve extracted and analyzed a few key methodologies they use so we can leverage them for our own problem solving.

Think inside the box

If a cat fits, he sits. It’s as simple as that. Cats know how to scope problems appropriately. During four long years of art school I heard the same mantra over and over: “think outside the box.” It took me several years, many complex problems, and two cats, to realize what bad advice this is. You can’t solve a problem well by just thinking outside the box. You have to understand the box: How big is it? Is it made of cardboard? Fabric? Does it have packing peanuts in it or those plastic air pouches that aren’t fun to play with at all? Design thinking requires understanding constraints.

Push boundaries

Thinking inside the box doesn’t mean you have to stay inside it. Cats don’t allow themselves to be limited by the laws of physics when it comes to fitting in boxes. They assume their liquid form and gracefully allow their pillowy sides spill out over the edges. The key to their success is flexibility and prioritization. When given an ambiguous or complex problem such as a seemingly too-small box, a cat will prioritize which parts should go inside the box so that the cat and box can reach a steady state of equilibrium. Cat and box become one. The obvious lesson here is that once you understand the constraints of a problem, you know which ones to push on to achieve your goals.

I’ve never known a cat that didn’t demonstrate a deep understanding of market economics.

Be lazy

Have you ever tried to get a cat to pull a tiny garden plow? Or harnessed nine cats together and attached them to a sled, and then sat on the sled and then given your cat sled team a command to ‘MUSH’? Well I have*. They did not mush. They sat there and looked at me like I was an idiot. A few of them lay down in the snow. Two or three ignored me while they groomed each other, and the back team started scuffling. Cats don’t like to work hard. They don’t toil for the sake of toil. They evaluate cost, benefits, and impact and make appropriate trade-offs. I’ve never known a cat that didn’t demonstrate a deep understanding of market economics. It goes back to their ancestral roots, where evidence suggests that early cats domesticated themselves when they saw the value in offering fuzzy snuggles in exchange for a steady source of food. When you’re driven by laziness, you’re forced to take a hard look at your resources and make trade offs.

Cats aren’t discouraged by the risk of looking dumb and being laughed at as they experiment and explore their environment…

Don’t be afraid to fail

Cats fail all the time. They embrace failure with an admirable level of vigor and élan. To the naive eye it could appear as though they are careless idiots, incapable of critical thinking. But a more discerning observer would recognize their strategy: prototype and iterate. Cats aren’t discouraged by the risk of looking dumb and being laughed at as they experiment and explore their environment, presumably in pursuit of the optimal sleeping position or a solution for global warming (I assume both are equally viable possibilities). Consequently there are over 300,000** hours of videos on YouTube of cats making fools of themselves. They are so successful at failing that they are at risk of actually failing to truly fail.

Sit in a circle

It’s a well-known fact that if you create some sort of circle on the ground, cats will sit in it. I’m not actually sure what this one is about but given everything we’ve discussed so far I’m certain there is a deeper meaning to unlock and it’s just going above our heads right now. Feel free to open up the discussion in the comments. If we put our collective minds together and apply some design thinking, we might figure this one out.

*I did not actually do this but this is what I imagine would have happened if I had.

**Not a real statistic.

If you liked this article, be sure to recommend it and help spread good ideas as far and wide as tufts of cat hair caught in a warm summer’s breeze. Follow Linus and Cupcake Schoolbus on Instagram @linus_hates_cupcake

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As the year draws to a close, it’s time to sit down with your cats and give them feedback on how they’ve been performing. To help you prepare for the conversation, I’ve written a few guidelines from my own experiences.

Evaluate against a standard

When thinking about how your cat is meeting expectations, ensure that you are evaluating against a standard. It should take into account the cat’s level which is ultimately based on age and breed. A level 2 cat such as a 6 month old Persian kitten will not have the same performance expectations as a level 5 cat like an 8-year-old gray tabby. Ideally you’ve discussed these expectations with your cat at length. They should be reasonable and achievable while still providing enough of a challenge to allow for personal growth. Some sample performance goals can include: number of hours of expected sleep during the day (aim for 16–18); time spent playing in boxes; level of cuteness on a scale from 1–10 (this should be maintained with self-grooming and a general posture of perky ears and wide eyes).

Focus on impact

In order to help your cat grow, your feedback must be specific and actionable. By using the situation-behavior-impact (SBI) model, your cat will be able to understand the rationale behind your feedback. An example conversation might go: “Skittles, when I was sleeping and you jumped on the bed and meowed in my face at 4am, it woke me up and that made me feel angry and tired all day. One way you can have more positive impact is to STFU and sleep until at least 8am.”

How to frame a needs-improvement discussion

This can be challenging. Your cat might get defensive, or worse, ignore you entirely and pretend that she doesn’t understand you. Don’t be fooled. She understands everything you say. When your cat is not meeting expectations, you’ll need to be prepared with a performance improvement plan or PIP. This PIP should include specific steps your cat will need to take in order to meet the expectations of her role and level. You can tell her, for example, that the number of times she jumps on the counter and gets her poo-poo paws all over your food prep areas is unacceptable and must be reduced by at least 80% over the next quarter.

It may be necessary to remind her just what a lucky SOB she is to have food and a warm place to sleep on these cold winter nights.

Help your cat understand the consequences if performance does not improve. It may be necessary to remind her just what a lucky SOB she is to have food and a warm place to sleep on these cold winter nights. As your cat’s manager, you should also be aware of your own role in her performance. Are you present enough? Does she get adequate space to grow, play? Have you provided the necessary toys and furniture to scratch? It’s unfair to punish your cats for scratching the couch and destroying your nice things if you haven’t given them a proper scratching post.

When to give team feedback vs individual feedback

You should be having regular individual 1:1s with your cats. Any negative feedback should be given privately so as not to embarrass or shame one cat in front of the group. However, some feedback can be given in a group setting when it benefits the whole team. For example, you can share with all of your cats how much you appreciate their adorable fuzzy faces and how cute they are when they make biscuits on your lap before curling up for a good snuggle.

Skittles, I loved that time you tried to jump on the bookshelf but completely missed and fell. I laughed for days.

Don’t leave out the positive

You might be more concerned with your cat’s negative behaviors but it’s important to show appreciation where it is due. Again, follow the SBI model: “Skittles, I loved that time you tried to jump on the bookshelf but completely missed and fell. I laughed for days. The video got me over 50 likes on Instagram.” Remember it’s your job to support your cats as they grow, encourage them to lean in, and work hard at being cats.

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A guide to giving your cats their annual performance review was originally published in HackerNoon.com on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Your cat wakes you up at the usual time, meows inquisitively. Is it time for my breakfast yet? You shuffle into the kitchen, open a can of cat food and unceremoniously dump it into her bowl. Bon appétit, kitty. She calmly eats. She doesn’t know. How do we tell her what happened? That things are going to change. That Donald Trump is the president elect of the United States of America. She may wonder, how could you fuck this up, humans? You really elected that guy? Did you read his tweets? And we have to tell her yes. Yes we did and yes we did.

Our cats might be scared of an uncertain future. Will we build a wall on the kitchen counter? Will their freedom be taken away? Will they be deported or persecuted if they don’t belong to the privileged and protected breeds: the ones who know with certainty that their way is right and believe it’s important to impose it upon others? The ones who downvote their youtube videos and refuse to share their memes.

Tell them that you stand by your black and white tuxedo cats, your Siamese and Burmese cats, and those ones with no hair and big ears. Your cats who stay home and sleep while their families go to Church, or while their families go to Temple, or Mosque or the weekly meetup of the Atheist Community of Silicon Valley. We must reassure our cats that we’ll fight for them. We’ll fight for their right to sleep all day, chase paper balls and randomly attack the wall no matter what their ethnic origin is. We’ll fight to ensure that all cats have equal rights to cardboard boxes and protection against cucumbers and bananas. Cats of all shapes, colors and backgrounds are an important part of America and the world.

We’ll tell our cats that not everyone who voted for Trump believes in the discrimination of cats. In fact, many people who voted for Trump did so without any thought as to how it would affect cats. Maybe those people don’t have a cat, or think that cats’ voices don’t matter. Cats’ voices do matter. Those of us that hear their meows will continue to speak for them.

Your cats may wonder, does this mean I won’t have a right to choose which kind of cat food I get anymore? I won’t be able to control what I do with my small fuzzy body? The answer is no. No you won’t, because you never did. You don’t have money. Or opposable thumbs. And you don’t really understand how grocery stores work. So you can’t buy cat food, nor can you open it.

Finally, some of your cats may be asking if they should run away. They may ask if you can move them to Canada, the land of warm hugs and snowflakes. We should encourage them to stay and work hard to better our country. It’s not clear that Canada really wants more cats in the first place. But besides that, if they don’t stay and lay down for love, inclusion, compassion and freedom, who will?

What do we tell the cats? was originally published in Thoughts And Ideas on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.