Bringing a spoon to a gunfight.

These are handcrafted wood spoons that my eldest nephew, Ilai used to carve.

Ilai would spend hours looking for wood in the forests, whittling away bringing to life the vision he saw in the grain.

The next step was learning how to turn wood, so he designed and built his own wood turning machine, then a forge, powered by a 30 year old hairdryer. He made his own knives and built with my brother, a steel base and frame to the intricate mosaic table top my sister made.

The reasons for sharing this story ( aside from being a proud aunt) are twofold;

The first being what I believe to be an apt description to my insecurities of wading into the recent heated debate regarding the proposed changes to asset test for investors- which is bringing a spoon to a knife fight.

The second reason is a more elusive connection between the perception and definitions of financial value, time and knowledge.

I have ample real life international experience in developing and implementing programs and strategies that aid in the development of entrepreneurial ecosystems. My path has crossed with many investors, government, corporate and entrepreneurs. I have mentored/advised startups who were raising capital, helped develop data rooms, pitch decks and talked founders down from ledges. I carry my own scars from past mistakes in raising capital.

But real life experience in investing, that I do not have.

So really who am I to wade into this discussion?

I am currently racking up hours of individual interviews with early stage investors, entrepreneurs and key stakeholders both in Australia and India as part of my PhD research.

I’m looking at how investment capital currently flows into a system. Who invests, how they invest and what is their link to impact. How do the stories or narratives we have influence this.

Here is my proverbial spoon with the top three takeaways from my conversations so far:

1. Most investors believe that diversity is important and in many instances can draw a direct line between diversity and better outcomes. ( both financial and other)

2. Most investors use three key parameters to decide on an investment- founder, product market fit and scalability- founder raking the highest.

Most investors highlighted the importance of vetting the founder through their network. If you are not known, the chances of getting investment are lower.

3. Although there is a broad spectrum of their definitions of impact and varying degrees of links to the investment with or into impact. ( either as part of the investment or as a separate initiative) most investors got more excited about investing in ideas and companies that had a positive story they could share with pride with their friends and family.

This is one of my initial attempts of connecting the dots ( which I have no doubt is deeply biased)

- based on the information collected so far, diversity in all its forms ( surface and deep) apparently has a positive correlation to outcomes.

- despite valiant efforts by many to open pipelines — the networks are still closed to outsiders, and what is invested in- is largely determined by the narrative of the network.

- at the end of the day, people want to do good in the world- and there are many pathways to do so.

Here is the second more elusive connection with spoons.

My nephew did not make a profit from making and selling spoons. Not many artisans do- one could argue that the market value and definition of time, knowledge and effort is skewed towards mass production and scale, which drive the cost down and increase the profit margin.

However what is missed with this equation, is the things that cannot be seen. Such as the time, space and support my nephew had in exploring, creating, iterating and inventing- which have contributed greatly not only to his ability to think laterally, build more amazing things and inspire people around him- but also delicately connected people to a story, highlighting the beauty and complexity of a simple utensil.

What is the price of that?

Early stage investors are key to shaping the outcomes of an ecosystem.

The more diversity of thought, perspective, culture and values we can invite, the better off we all will be. By increasing the barriers to investing, one is not only creating a bigger barrier to those who may not have the same financial value as others , but sure as hell know how to see the beauty in a spoon.

The initial seed for my PhD topic was based on witnessing the difficulties of some of my friends, who are building startups with a blended purpose, struggling to raise capital. More often than not, they were pushed back, told to change their vision, that the problem was not profitable enough, and that they should think of becoming a non-profit etc.

So when it came time to plan the approach to the topic, I knew that at some point, I would have to categorize and list.

This is not an easy task for me. I am a systems thinker. My default that I look at the world through is an interconnected one. I have been told that at times, conversations with me can be akin to having 20 web browser tabs open cross over and bleed into different topics.

I can do the whole linear perspective, it is just harder. (I have been promised that I will be able to take them out of the boxes later and connect them with intricate interconnected strings…)

So here I go, working on identifying and putting things in boxes in order to be able to better understand the lay of the land I would like to work in.

Disclaimer-I am assuming that the information I am sharing is not new to many here, and I am just at the “hey this is super cool, did you know about this” stage of learning

I am by no means qualified in ANYWAY to provide advice, or deeper insight into what to do with this information as of yet.

The typology I am building is around the different finance instruments that are used to fuel the growth of startup companies.

As someone who has been around the traps of the startup ecosystem for a while, I was aware of at least three types. My research so far has identified 12.

Lets talk for a minute about what the heck is a financial instrument.( thank you Investopedia)

“Financial instruments can be real or virtual documents representing a legal agreement involving any kind of monetary value. Equity-based financial instruments represent ownership of an asset. Debt-based financial instruments represent a loan made by an investor to the owner of the asset. “

Basically I am looking at what are the types of agreements that investors use when investing in innovation.

The majority of the types of agreements I looked at were under the category of early stage ( angel, pre seed, seed series a) investments.

The idea behind this exploration is first just to identify the different types of agreements they are, then down the line, better understand how the agreement influences the business model. I am also interested in identify which of the investment instruments are most beneficial to the growth of a business with an expanded definition of a business model (which included profit and purpose) and alignment with the SDG’s.

My list so far includes 14 types ( some are subsets of others)

1. Revenue based Financing

2. Demand Dividend

3. Light ( series seed/ or series aa)

4. Venture debt

5. Convertible debt

6. Simple agreement for future equity ( SAFE)

7. Prepayment

8. Simple agreement for future tokens

9. Micro-financing

10. Equity Crowd Funding

11. Social Venture capital

12. Venture Philanthropy

13. Social Impact Bonds

14. Social responsible investment

Aside from finding all the different instruments, I am also putting them into different elements or categories which include :

• Definition and history
• Economic rights- how it allocated risk and rewards
• Control mechanism — the influence on the firms actions
• Measurement ( how they define this is impact)
• Regulatory status- what is the definition under corporate law and what are the tax applications
• Stage of investment
• Level the investment is occurring

I have to admit that I was a little surprised by the number of different agreements there were, and how many different articles I had to read to bring it all together.

Of course, the deeper I go the more questions I have..
Seeing that whenever I try to share with my family, their eyes glaze over, I will continue to share and expand my “wow i just learned about this” as I go.

Do you know of any others that need to be on this list?
Do you ( as a founder or investor) have experience with any of these?
I would love to hear from you.

hi@interwovenhq.com

In another life, many moons ago, while living in Vancouver BC, I was part of a team that was hired to found an adventure center on top of Grouse Mountain in North Vancouver.

We were tasked with developing and operating different types of guided outdoor activities, including guided informational hikes in the trails around the mountain .

The center had a reception area, where tourists from around the world would gather and be provided with options as to what to do. I LOVED being outside and seeing people connect and understand the language of nature, but I REALLY $#@@ disliked dealing with the public- mainly due to what seemed like the never-ending not so intelligent questions adults would ask.

We made a list at the end of the season of the top stupid questions, and they included:

• When do you feed the bears ? Can I pet the bears?how many bears are on the mountain?( they are wild bears who live in the mnts)
• How many trees are on the mountain, how many of the trees are Canadian?
• Does your flag ( the national Canadian flag) come in any other color?

That was my last foray into working with the general public, however for some reason the list of questions stuck around.

In his deep and thought- provoking book “ The Three Marriages” David Whyte explores the sense of belonging and dynamics within our relationships with work, self and other.

In one of the chapters, he examines the great task of keeping our core light from childhood to adulthood alive, as he believes this is vital to understanding ourselves.

The notion of childhood is more often than not associated with a sense of wonder, curiosity and a healthy exploration of what is possible . “the childlike wonder that is a basic elemental joyful relationship with clouds, horizons or grass,”

The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into adulthood

( Thomas Huxley )

I love a good question. One that really makes me think, challenges my world view, or just allows me to dive deeper into learning, expanding, understanding and sense making of the world around me.

Recently I decided to take the leap and embark on the PhD journey. Many ask me why I would choose that path because It is a long and arduous journey, one that is traditionally undertaken by those who are seeking a career in Academia.

I am not looking for a career in Academia. I am using it as a way to answer a question I was asked about five years ago

What is my personal theory of change?

The question is really just a way to bring attention and awareness to how one expresses itself in life: we all have limited time, contemplating how you spend it and if your approach is effective in driving the change you care about, I think is question worthy of deep consideration.

This question is one I have contemplated since it was gifted to me , and is one that has really guided my career choices for the past five years.

For reasons that are beyond me, I am driven by a deep desire to make a difference, and my work is usually an expression of this. I have chosen places, spaces and themes where I feel the work can lead to make a difference in the world. With this in mind, for the past four years, I focused my attention on the realm of entrepreneurial education.

I felt very strongly that by providing a solid foundational knowledge of why, what and how around impact entrepreneurship ( social entrepreneurship, blended impact -choose your term) is the best way to lower barriers and ensure that those creating the future will have the knowledge and tools to innovate and create solutions to the wicked problems we all currently face.

I still believe that education is a pathway forward, and it is great to see the voices around this are being amplified by the work that is being done at both the university level, and the increase of accelerator programs internationally, focused on SDG’s and on impact.

However one of the glaring gaps in my plan was that more often then not, even if entrepreneur is armed with all the knowledge, and tools, when they attempt to find funding for their venture, there are still major barriers to finding the right fit. Finding a balance growth and impact, between business models with a broader definition of success, can be very challenging.

So I went back to the drawing board, and decided that the level that I would like to influence is the way that money flows into the whole ecosystem of innovation and entrepreneurship.

Money makes the world go around, and no matter how amazing of an idea you might have, more often than not, finding the balance between funding and the goal is fraught with compromises , misalignment of power and information.

That is my plan people- for the next 3 or so years, I plan on honing my skill on asking great questions and deeply understanding how different methods of investment and diversity of investors can influence the outcomes of an entrepreneurial ecosystem.

Ideally, I would like to be able to find organizations to align with and provide consulting services, while I am in the process of researching and crafting great tools for change.

If you are interesting in being a part of the journey, or feel you can contribute to my knowledge, please get in touch..

Till then, try asking yourself a more beautiful question, and find your personal theory of change.

Four months ago, I decided to pack up my life in Australia and move back to Israel for a spell, to be closer to my family. Although I grew up here, I have never really lived here as an adult.

My relationship to this place is complicated. To say that my time here so far has been uneventful would be the understatement of the year. I guess that is part and parcel of moving countries in the middle of a global pandemic, and having a mini war erupt.

Growing up in a country impacted by War/conflict/religion/tension, is a funny thing.

My sister once told me that Israel is the place where the most amazingly beautiful things and the most horrible things can happen in one day.

I can talk about how growing up here impacted my belief system, my strong motivation to find common ground with everyone and how I operate in the world, but that may require hours and a shrink.

Instead, I would like to share a recent event that reminded me the importance of small acts.

My eldest nephews and I decided to wander around the marketplace (Shuk) in down town Nazareth last weekend. This in the past, this was not an uncommon event, my family lives 20 mins away from Nazareth- it’s a fun, colorful engaging place that you can always find something good to eat, see or smell. We would often include it in the unofficial “ the things you need to show people who come visit from overseas” list.

However after the recent unrest, we were more cautious then usual.

During the most recent mini war, there was a sense that the country was at a tipping point, where the situation could escalate into a full blown civil war. There were violent riots on both sides. Horrible acts of hatred were committed- while simultaneously, masses of Jews and Arabs, met at junctions, in backyards, in cities, to stand together and to say no to violence and to hatred. it was horrible and beautiful all in the same moment.

There were many riots in the Arab villages nearby my family home, and in Nazareth. At night we would hear the gunshots and the rioters near by, and in the morning, we would drive by the broken glass, and burnt out tires- as sad reminders of how fast things can escalate when we focus on what is different between us, rather then what is common.

During our wanderings, I was on high alert, ensuring we stuck to the open air, easy escape route, silently keeping tabs on who was around us. It wasn’t that hard. The Shuk that was usually so vibrant and noisy, was subdued and empty. It seemed that people were still wary of returning to normal, due to the recent violence a little war.

We wandered around, bought amazing olives, fresh grape leafs and spices. We ate the best hummus in a food stall and were served fresh pitas from the bakery next door.

With our bellies full of the best hummus, we went in search of our favorite desert Knafe. We wandered into a nice open air place that smelled great and found a very nice man who was making Knafe.

I am a very proud/protective Aunt. My nephews are talented, intelligent and gentle men. My eldest nephew carves things out of wood. He also hacked together his own forge and makes his own carving tools. I love finding ways to expose them to new experiences, and if it can connect to something that they are passionate about- even better.

This shop had some really neat old tools on display. I used is as a conversation started with the very nice gentleman who was making our desert. I showed him pictures of my nephews carved spoons, and he share with us the story of how he furnished the restaurant with old and unusual things.

My family lives in a village in an area where there are Arab and Jewish settlement in very close proximity. There are economic ties that bring with them social and community ties in this area. When the conflict erupted, I felt so helpless. (Not about the rockets, that felt oddly familiar). I wanted to call up my childhood friend who is Arab and say hey- this is crazy- I don’t hate you. I wanted to go to the shop in the neighboring Arab village and hug them and say I am sorry. This is not all of us. I see you. Do you see me?

The man took his time in making the Knafe- he said ”its better that you wait for Knafe, then the Knafe waiting for you”.

Due to us waiting for the Knafe and not the other way around, we had a lot of time to just connect. We learned about each other. He believes that COVID 19 was the cure of our illness of being disconnected from our families and from what we care about. We talked about history, basketball, passions, community and food.

I really wanted to broach the recent violence and share my feelings of helplessness- and when I did, it felt awkward. The both of us doing this uncomfortable dance of not knowing how to BE around each other. We quickly went back to comfortable territory- food, engineering, his interest in continuing the legacy of his grandfather and father.

The Knafe was finally ready for us to take back to our families. My eldest nephew committed to carving a wooden spoon for him to use while making Knafe. I want to go back to share some music options with his daughter. We left with full hearts and bellies.

On the drive home, I reflected how important it is to seek those opportunities to find common ground. That despite the purest intentions, sometimes sideways conversations are more powerful then direct ones.

If you look closely, in Israel, you will often see the word ואהבת in different places ( stickers, graffiti art, t-shirts etc) . It represents one of the most important teachings in the bible-(The Golden Rule) treating others as one wants to be treated.

Israel, to me is a place, where the saying “what you focus on expands” becomes much more real.

Our trip to Nazareth was a gentle nudge to highlight that, sometimes, by just being open to eating good knafe and talking about everything and nothing can repair fragile bonds and remind us of the importance of common ground and continuously weaving connection.

This, my friends, is my mother.

My mother has never really followed the rules, has always marched to the beat of her own drum, always looks for the best in people, and views the world from a place of curiosity and exploration.

She has raised four children, is an active grandmother of seven grandchildren, did her master's degree at the age of 45, moved countries twice, walks at least 3 km per day, reads more books than I can count, and does the NY Times crossword puzzle every morning with her cup of coffee.

I just uprooted my life and moved countries in order to be able to spend more time with her ( and the rest of my family).

Although I have moved countries many times before, this one feels a little different. Harder. More complicated. A higher sense of anxiety

In addition to shifting my location, I am also shifting my professional focus. The pathway forward to accomplish this is yet to reveal itself.

My mother and I have been going for morning walks, where we talk about life, the universe, and everything after.

In these walks, I share my thoughts, she listens, gets distracted by a butterfly, a spiders web, or some other natural wonder, and then hops a fence, and through her actions reminds me that boundaries are created in my mind, that change is constant, cultivating a sense of awe is vital, and that cultivating a sense of awe is vital, and that new adventures await just around the corner.

We started off so strong. Where did we go so wrong?

You have changed.

And you have changed me.

I thought you would be the one.. the one where everything would be different.

We first locked eyes in a nightclub in the middle of Tel-Aviv.

We both shared a moment over the sweet sweet sounds of the Godfather of Israeli Rock — Shalom Chanoch.

We talked about our hopes, dreams, and inspirations for the upcoming seasons.

We both agreed to settle down for a bit, to consolidate efforts and maybe even adult.

We talked about buying a house, building a strong foundation, improving our ability to talk about and share our projects and successes.

We spend some quality time with the clan. Weaving more stories together as part of the fabric of our family history.

Green Tender shoots of hope slowly emerged slowly and wove their way around my heart, fueling a deep need to move from running and reacting to slowing down, being present, and operating from a place of strength.

I really thought we could make it happen.

Sure the start was a little rocky, there were offers that were withdrawn, confusion, and uncertainty, but overall, the general direction and decision matrix was set.

Then suddenly you threw a temper tantrum.

It started off small. Just a few countries here and there.

And then suddenly you flexed your muscles, spit your dummy -and show me and everyone else around you who is boss.

There were warning signs, I mean let's be real, we were ignoring you and your needs, did not appreciate your contributions, and how you were always giving to others and not taking care of you.

You were not messing around with your temper tantrum,

You managed to stop the world.

It almost felt like you decided to send everyone to their rooms for their bad behavior and lack of manners.

Suddenly, plans went out the window.

For reasons that I still do not understand, there were fights over toilet paper.

Conspiracy theories grew like mushrooms after the rain.

Leaders were lost in the wilderness.

People were scared, uncertain, and afraid on a global scale.

Everyone in the health care sector was working overtime to stem the deaths and manage further spread.

From afar, I watched as you ran amok and free around the world, truly showing us that no matter color, gender, race, or religion, we all are made out of the same biological stuff.

You further exposed our dark side- of have and have nots, of the extent that some are willing to go to stay in power, that maybe despite all the posturing and bold proclamations, we actually know very little.

That we are not in control.

And things here, Downunder got very very quiet.

Airplanes were grounded, buses stopped.

Borders were closed

Driving to work was no longer a thing.

Toilet paper was fought over.

I have to admit, to start off with, I felt like an admonished child- or like the famous line from Robert Burn- the best-laid schemes of mice and men.

But then.

But then, I noticed the quiet

I watched the clouds.

I spent more time experimenting and playing with things that were not work-related.

I navigated and adapted two university courses I had developed for over 200 students with as much grace and creativity as possible- learning heaps along the way. Got to know my students better, about their families, their lives.

I baked more, took time to a cooked and proper meal and eat it, swam, danced, got very comfortable with space, with being uncertain-with more quiet time.

I created and felt creative- more than I have had in a very long time.

I designed and tested a new online program for those wanting to make a difference in the world and don't know where to start. (www.pathwaytoimpact.co) that is still growing and developing.

I became more selective with how and who I share time and space with.

Time

Space

Quiet

Sitting and just being instead of running.

Being instead of constant striving.

This allowed for other things to open up and grow

In the quiet and in the pause, it became more clear the path and the next step I needed to take.

2020, Despite our differences, I realized that actually, for me you were a gift.

That your temper-tantrum, horrible desire to make sure EVERYONE knows your name and grounding the world created space.

By stopping me, more creativity, connection, and time for realignment were sparked for me and for many others.

So after some deep listening, I took a deep breath and made some decisions.

It is time for us to break up and for me to move on.

I have to leave the shores of Australia -what has been my refuge and sanctuary for the past 10 years and move.

It is time.

Time to be physically closer to my family.

To spend time dancing, creating, exploring, and adventuring with my gaggle of nephews and niece.

Time to deepen my connection with my amazing siblings

Time to be present and help with my parents.

So 2020, Here we are- Your time here is almost up- your impacts will be long-reaching and most will not be uncovered for a while.

It's not you, it's me.

I think we are just at different places in our lives and want different things

I know you will be better off without me

Thank you for the opportunity to pause and uncover and align on what is possible.

I can't say that I want to be friends, cause I think it better for ALL if you just leave in peace.

Maybe your sibling 2021 will be a fresh start for all.

I will be leaving Australia in Jan 2021.

I look forward to new adventures and a new pathway to growth.

You can follow some of my adventures www.interwovenhq.com

Peace and happiness to you and others.

Yesterday on my way to teaching entrepreneurship to undergraduates Griffith University, I was in the elevator when a group of students got in.

I am claustrophobic, and when I am in elevators with lots of people, there is a lot of intently staring at one spot and doing some deep breathing to calm down..

One of the students turned to the others and said ” did you see how I was being such a nazi just then? I’m telling you Hitler is alive and well”

This is not the first time I have heard comments that can be seen as antisemitic. During my first week in Brisbane, while taking the train, I overheard two men in the seat in front of me discussing their views on how Jews are in charge of the banks and the entertainment industries. Usually, I tend to just ignore these things.

What is the point of confrontation I think to myself? There is nothing to be gained by bringing attention to myself, and I will end up being in a position of having to defend myself for being Jewish. I will choose my time, space, place and method in which I will demonstrate, discuss or advocate for anti-racism, peace love and understanding. I usually leave these incidents with lots of discussions in my head around what I would have said, how I would have reacted, and a lot of unresolved emotions of anger, despair and hurt.

I am not sure what was different this time. It could have been the deep breathing or the fact that I have been in the space of thinking about how to have fierce conversations.

The blood rushed to my head, adrenaline to my body and with the calmest voice I turned to him and said- “ Mate I’m Jewish, my fathers family was wiped out in the holocaust, I find your words extremely offensive and hurtful”. He said” your Jewish? Yup I answered.

“ I was just joking, “ he said. To which my response was — It’s not funny and be aware of the impact your words have on others.

I left the elevator very perturbed, filled with the shakes of adrenaline after the confrontation, and was late to my first class.

As I entered the class, I began to share with the class what had happened that caused me to to be late.

My sharing what had happened created a much more interesting class, then what I assume would have happened should I have discussed the Business Model Canvas.

The incident ended up sparking a lively dialogue around what are the characteristics of an entrepreneur. What is the role and responsibility of being an entrepreneur? How cause and effect works, and how you choose to show up in the world can impact others.

We discussed three main tenants that we believed would contribute towards a more successful entrepreneur:

1. Humility- letting go of ego and having a growth mindset.
2. Curiosity- Being able to approach the journey with as much openness to learnings as possible
3. Kindness — to self and to others. Choosing the impact that you want to make and being kind to those and others around you.

The “incident” ( which can be perceived as anti-Semitic or as just a kid who is using the word Nazi without really understanding what it means) further solidified the desire I have been having recently around creating more space for Civil Discourse between opposing voices. Civil discourse enables us to be able to actively listen, understand others that we disagree with, and hold duality in our minds.

It also fueled the fire and passion to contribute towards arming and shaping entrepreneurs to focus on creating impact. To solve problems worthwhile of our attention and energy.

It is not easy to build a startup that interweaves purpose and profit. It is not easy to start a business. It is a long, difficult and often confronting journey. One that forces you to face your self, the inner narrative, beliefs, and values.

I have noticed an increase in students and startups who are interested in making a difference, who want to solve some of the most pressing issues we as humanity face. They care goddammit.

Let’s ensure that they have the tools, knowledge, and awareness, on how to act with respect, compassion and a clear sense of self.

I have a family that means the world to me, I have a close relationship with my siblings and my parents. I have 5 nephews and 1 niece, all healthy, happy who are constantly being reminded of how much they are loved.

I am surrounded by a group of extremely talented and incredible people of all walks of life. They all care for me cheer me on.

Sure it is not the type of closeness that crave at times, but I know that if I reached out, they would be there in a second.

I have a love interest ( albeit in a different country at the moment) who seems hell-bent on teaching me how to accept love into my life, and so far seems to be a pretty value centered decent human being.

I have close, close friends that are my adopted family here. They are an extension of my other home. I get to play Auntie with their children, spend nights at their place as a family member.

I have choice- I live in one of the most desirable places in the world- the Gold Coast of Australia. Being the holder of more than one passport, I get to choose to live here and hey if I don’t like it, I can also just use one of the other passports and move to a different country that is just as peaceful with just as much natural beauty.

I get to work with people who are creating the future. I am now immersed in the start-ups world in three different countries.

I get to have inspiring conversations with youth who have no limits in their thinking.

I organize an event that provides a platform for people to share their failures and connect on a deeper level.

I have worked hard to be able to somehow have someone believe enough in my crazy ass big vision to do something to make the world a better place, by financially backing me. He also happens to be a pretty decent person with great values, enthusiasm, good ethics and fun to be around.

The cherry on the top is the very very talented and inspiring people who seem to also believe in this vision and are giving me time, knowledge and connections freely and are dead keen to see this become a reality.

I get to stand in front of a room filled with young minds and share my knowledge and experience in a way that might move them to think differently- oh and hey I also get to do it with a close friend who always drives me to be a better person.

I have a place to live, where I can walk to the ocean in under 3 mins, a car that seems to be quite happy to continue running. Right now I have money in the bank, and I am about to go on an adventure of a lifetime by joining another inspiring group of people led by a superman, snowshoeing our way through Norway, Finland and Sweden.

I can imagine what you are thinking right now- sounds great you must say, what is her point?

- and heck when I look at that partial list of awesomeness of which I am extremely grateful for, my reaction is not one of fuckya that’s epic and lets generate more, but rather one of — for fuck sakes Tiah- what the fuck is the matter with you?

Get your ass out of bed and get on with it. You are a grown-ass woman.

This wallowing does not do you any good.

Yup. I live with depression in my brain.

I have a strong voice in the back of my head that is fantastic at the negative self-talk. I am my own worse enemy.

This pattern is exasperated by stepping into new territory- when I have to level up- when I have to be a better version of myself. We as humans have a very high tolerance to pain. We will stay in a place, space, relationship, headspace for longer than needed, tied down by the fear of many things- fear of change, fear- period.

Although I suspect this a common pattern for many, that does not always provide comfort.

Misery does not like company in my case.

My default personality is to jump into action- I often just decide that I am going to do something and figure it out as I go. But then there seems to be the delayed reaction that will catch up with me at an unsuspecting moment-it creeps up on me, slowly and then I wake up with a heavy heart, with dark thoughts, and with this very strong negative voice in the back of my head.

In fact, all of the awesomeness in my life, at the moment seems to be flaming the fire of the negative self-talk.

For the past two weeks, that voice is saying pretty nasty things about my ability to do things. The doubt that lives buried deep that says that I am not worthy, that there is too much to do and that I am not disciplined enough, not strong-willed enough, not smart enough, not organized enough, not “with it “enough, not talented, educated, skilled — pick the noun and add not enough to it and you will have a small window into the darkness and meanness of that other voice.

Sometimes there is no negative self-talk but just a really heavy feeling in my body, and I catch myself stopping the tears cause there is no real reason for them, and hey come on- my life is pretty great- get a grip..

Trust me, I know the majority of the techniques out there to move through this. Self-awareness and understanding of my inner landscape is something I am pretty good at- applying it when I am in this space can be more challenging.

Sometimes I just need to accept that this is where I am at the moment and allow myself to move through it.

To keep on getting out of bed in the morning, celebrating the small wins. I have to “faith it till I make it “

To show up for myself no matter in how small of an action it might be.

I am a pretty private person- and contrary to popular belief, do not like being the center of attention. So why am I sharing one of the deeper aspects of my life?

I can’t say that I am 100% sure that I understand this sudden sharing desire..

It could be the constant barrage that I feel we all are inundated with on social media around how wonderful everyone else’s life is.

Perhaps it is the need to just be heard?

One theory I will throw out there is what I see to be the dichotomy around the recent push towards vulnerability and authenticity, (which have become commodities that we now use to trade for acceptance into society, as they are the new currency of validation), versus the uncomfortable feeling we all have when someone actually answers honestly how they are doing.

When someone opens up and shares their actual state of being, and their struggles- we have a tendency to move into action- the need to DO something takes over.

We feel uncomfortable just listening- we dig deep into our brain and try and find an action we can offer- think positive, have you tried this or that?

It is hard to feel useless. It is hard to accept where someone is at. It is hard to just “hold space” for that person.

But sometimes, that is all you need to do. To just stand there, look into their eyes, and connect. Hold their hand, give them a hug, go for a walk, free up time to just BE with the other person. To bare witness to their pain and struggle and TRUST that they will find their way through.

Sometimes it is the most understated actions that have the biggest impact.

So go hug a person today and practice actually listening. Connecting and just BEING there with them.

Thanks for listening

And hey — I am ok 😊

For those that know me, I am someone who likes to talk. I like to ask questions. My insatiable curiosity of the world is fuelled by my constant uncovering of answers and different perspectives through the medium of voice.

Think about it for a minute — when was the last time you were silent for more than half a day? When was the last time you were not able to use your voice? Literally or perhaps also figuratively?

The past 6 months have been a whirlwind of movement (development) and a lot of hustle. I may be fantastically awesome at many things that involve my mind, but taking care of the body, which happens to host my mind, has not been my strong suit for a number of years.

So last month my body said “righto, I guess we need to teach her a stronger lesson,” and took away my voice.

Granted it was a gradual disappearance. At first it was a sexy low voice that sounded like I worked the phone lines, and then it would come and go based on the amount of coughing I was enduring. Finally my voice just went away. I couldn’t even whisper. When I tried it hurt, and it was really not worth the effort as no one could hear me anyway.

It was a fascinating experience.

I had organised a get together for drinks before I left on my trip. I had also arranged a strategy session with a friend of mine — who was going to take my brain and put it into a more manageable byte size actions steps to help me move forward with a new venture! I had also arranged for someone to come and see the house as they were interested in staying in it while I was away. So, I had phone calls to make, last minute arrangements to complete and all that required my voice — and it was no where to be found.

At first I tried to communicate by writing down what I wanted to say and soon found that damp napkins and wet pens do not make for easy communication. Typing notes on my phone to share with others took way to long… sign language?, well it’s pretty limited to thumbs up or down..

Being comfortable with silence is something that I am ok with, once I am in a place of stillness and grounding. For example, I am blessed with some rare friendships where we are comfortable sitting in silence. We can occupy the same space and allow the energy to be exchanged with grace and ease which does not include conversation yet it brings a big smile and sense of connection and intimacy.

As I am familiar with experiences of witnessing rather then interacting, I attempted, as much as possible, to enjoy this ride of my lost of my voice and sat back to observe what was unfolding.

Interacting with the world while you have no voice is an interesting experiment. While speaking with me people would either lower their voice to a whisper or raise their voice and slow down their speech as if I was too slow to understand, or they’d stop dead in their tracks and not know how to interact. There were those that didn’t miss a beat and were able to just carry on. And those who took advantage of the situation and kept on teasing me, laughing at the fact that I am not able to respond or react to anything that they were saying.

I noticed that I was able to listen a lot more, to view my friends with much more richness as I was focused on intently listening to them. I also noticed that once I did decide to contribute I was more careful with what I was writing down which resulted in slowing everything down.

One of my friends has begun to offer free Jewish spirituality lessons at my place. I am not religious but am very interested in the deeper meaning of values and ideas, and learning about the lens of the tribe I grew up in.Ironically, his first lesson was all about gratitude and the importance of the spoken word according to the kabbalah.

Gratitude is expressed through the words we use, the actions we do, and the feelings we have. All part of the daily rituals in Judaism. I believe that your thoughts shape your reality. That your words which are a direct reflection of your subconscious mind and will craft your world.

It raised the question of how much do I listen — truly listen without spooling up a response to a conversation while mid conversation? Almost as if a barrier was suddenly there specifically to create more awareness of what my voice is and what I actually wanted to say by not being able to use it.

This experience also furthered my own perspective on having a slightly better understanding for those who actually do not have a voice — be it in a relationship, in a job, or in society.

We all live in our sheltered little bubbles which amplifies our beliefs.

How do we create space for those who do not have a voice? How do we ensure that the norm is not acceptable? How do we truly make diversity and allow for all to have a voice?

I don’t know the answer, but I sure as heck believe I have received a gift to further my perspective and had an eye opening experience acting as a gentle reminder to continue expanding my perception around being heard — truly being heard, and truly listening.