I’m so excited for my play-by-play breakdown of Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn that I’m just going to get the stats out of the way first.

Stats

Group date 1 stats:
Average age: 28
Kisses: 2
Tattoos/bro: 0.875

One-on-One: Clint
Kisses: 3

Group date 2 stats:
Average age: 30.7
Kisses: 2
Tattoos/bro: 2.1

Number of best dates EVER: 2

NEW STAT

Shiny dress ratio: 4:8
The producers seem to really dress Kaitlyn up like it’s NYE. From the first 3 episodes, half of the dressier outfits have been shiny/sparkly. I’m not counting the informal talks she does with Chris Harrison or the shots of her waking up, but the outfits she wears to dates and the rose ceremonies. They’re sparkling at a .500 clip, which seems high, especially considering that Ted Williams was the last person to bat over .400 in 1941. Not sure if they can maintain it for the rest of the season.

“I’ve got three Clint categories of kissing. There’s underwater Clint. There’s above water Clint. And then there’s ROOFTOP Clint. And that’s next level.” -Kaitlyn

Also, Kaitlyn is REALLY rolling on the kiss counter. She jumps from 2 to TEN (if you count Clint with 3). She has Jared and Ben Z on the first group date, Clint three times on the one-one (underwater, above-water, and rooftop). JJ and Joe get some action on the second group date, and then Ian closes out the episode before the rose ceremony. With 18 guys left at the end of the episode, she’s already made out with EIGHT of them. That’s almost HALF (technically 44%) of them. That’s like Steph Curry 3-ball % we’re talking about (as of the end of the WCF, he’s been shooting at a 43.7%). That’s historic folks, for Kaitlyn, I mean.

“I really didn’t want anyone to get hurt”

The first group date of the season, and episode, is a boxing date. Right off the bat, any male who’s ever even imagined knocking someone out knows that size means everything. Bigger dudes can take more punishment, and more obviously, can dish out more hurt.

So whichever producer was able to convince Kaitlyn that this would be a fantastic way to kick off the season, since she could see her bachelors shirtless, deserves the largest raise in the world. Not only do they get to use ALL of the “fighting for love” puns known to man, but they’re also guaranteed to have someone sent to the hospital. Even 3rd grade Timmy could have told you it was a terrible idea for the men to have a boxing tournament.

Let’s go over the contestants and their weights:
Daniel — 195 lbs
Ben Z — 225 lbs
Corey — 175 lbs
Justin — 211 lbs
Ben H — 196 lbs
Jared — 170 lbs
Tanner — 195 lbs
Kupah — 205lbs

So for those who aren’t quite as familiar with combative sports, boxing and MMA and everything else is split into weight classes. Why you ask? BECAUSE IT’S NEVER FAIR WHEN A BIGGER PERSON FIGHTS A SMALLER PERSON.

If you’re wondering how the fights ended up, Ben Z beats Daniel, Corey beats Justin, Jared upsets Ben H and Kupah rolls over Tanner. In the semifinals, Jared has another surprising upset of Kupah to set-up a final showdown with Ben Z.

So let me break this down for you: while Jared was able to stun Kupah with a lucky punch to advance to the finals, he’s giving up FIFTY FIVE POUNS to Ben Z. That is not an insignificant amount. You can’t even pack that extra weight into a checked bag on a domestic flight without getting charged an overage. And now imagine that suitcase getting thrown at your face. Only bad things can happen. Somebody gets knocked out and sent to the hospital with what I presume is a concussion. Anybody want to guess who? THE LITTLE GUY, OF COURSE. (But with chest hair like that, maybe he deserves to be sent to the hospital.)

The group date afterwards is relatively uneventful. Jared makes an brief appearance on his way back from the hospital, mostly to use up the rest of the “fighting for love puns” which didn’t make it into the boxing segment. He’s able to get a pity kiss out of Katelyn, setting up the mother of all groan-worthy quotes:

“It was worth every punch I took, every black eye. My head may hurt, but my heart never felt better.” -Jared

“I’ve never had a first kiss underwater”

So the first one-on-one date of the season goes to Clint, and they have a photoshoot with a conceptual underwater photographer.

I normally don’t like to talk about my day job, but I guess this is a good of time as any. I’m a photo editor at a newspaper in NYC, and I spend most of my day either looking at photos, when I’m not dreaming about Steph Curry or Shawn B (everyday Gosling). Sure I might not be hip on all of the more artsy and feature-y photography, but the idea of a “conceptual underwater photographer” is something I’ve never ever heard of before. I usually watch the show later simultaneously with a friend who is a freelancer in Kansas City, and when they showed the photographer, we both were like, “what the hell?!”

Anyways, you can check out her work here: http://www.giselelubsen.com/. Some of it is mildly interesting, but the show made it seem like it was this hot new trend sweeping the nation. Let me set the record straight, it’s not.

I’m just going to leave you with a selection of images from the photoshoot. Try not to be overwhelmed by overwhelming stench of awkwardness.

“This is going to be an absolute massacre”

So the final group date of the episode is a stand-up comedy date, with guest star Amy Schumer. And let’s be honest, I would have been completely fine if this segment was solely a Schumer-cam and we just experience the whole date through what Amy saw. But alas, we can’t get a multiscreen experience like NBC’s Sunday Night football, so we had to settle for terribly awkward prep times and even more terrible jokes.

What do you open with?
Uh, hi. I need to make sure I said hi.

Tony, who I am convinced is solely on the show for the producers’ amusement, shows us that healers aren’t hilarious, and does as cringe-worthy of a routine you can imagine. He basically does a personal confessional type of bit, but completely devoid of all humor. Paired up with JJ’s narration, it feels even worse. Anyways, I’ll spare you the pain, and just leave you with some highlights from Amy’s jokes.

I am the biggest bachelor fan. It’s like you sit at home, and judge other people. And you’re like, ‘I’m fine’.

What’s your vibe going to be? Like ‘I’m not going to kiss everybody.’? -Amy
I’ve already kissed everybody. -Kaitlyn

JJ’s a sweetheart. He’s just missing charisma, humility, and sense of humor. But other than that, you should hire him as the next bachelor. Maybe when he sees himself on the show, he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.

I hope it comforts you to know that you’re not smarter than anybody here. — Amy to JJ

“This isn’t church camp. I didn’t come here to make guy friends”

So I think I found out what JJ is short for: Jackass-Jackass. If you didn’t have a good feeling about JJ before tonight’s episode, the producers made sure to eliminate the rest of any good-will you had for him by the end.

“I want you to understand that I’m here to fight for you. I’m not here to win friends. I probably lost about 18, but guess what. This isn’t for the boys. Your husband wouldn’t be sitting back.” -JJ

So JJ ends up getting the rose from the group date, which for the uninformed, gives him assurance that we won’t get eliminated at the end of the episode. I’d compare it to JR Smith’s 28 point game during game 1 of the Eastern conference finals of the NBA. JR Smith is already what Bill Simmons calls an “irrational confidence guy”: someone who will always be willing to shoot the ball and thinks it will always go in, regardless of what sort of shooting night he’s having. But once they see a few balls go in, they feel like it’s impossible to miss, and they just keep shooting, even when the entire world knows they should probably stop at some point and start passing the ball.

“Fellas, I know I’m the most hated man in the house.
I would apologize, but I’m not sorry.” -JJ

With his newly acquired rose, JJ’s ego grows too large for the rest of the mansion, and just pulls dick move after dick move. Not only does he swoop in to steal Kaitlyn away first, after all of the guys had agreed to let the 3 men who hadn’t had any time with her go first, but he then proceeds to run around yelling #sorryimnotsorry any chance he gets. It’d be the equivalent of not only JR Smith taking all the shots, but looking off Lebron from even advancing the ball up the court, while also pausing to do the chalk throw routine before the start of the second half. Insufferable at the minimum, most definitely unbearable.

Tony on JJ: It’s almost like he’s never even been with the pretty girl before.
I GOT TO EAT IT ALL.

Another bone I have to pick with JJ is that absolutely none of the things that come out of his mouth are original. Like he’s just regurgitating terrible movie quotes and pithy sayings. At one point, he says to Tony, “ You’re like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle”. And then he goes on to re-purpose that quote, to keep pumping up his own ego. If you still don’t hate him yet, you’re about to:

“More than anything right now, I’m feeling smugness, wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of ‘I just talked to the girl and you didn’t’.” -JJ

“I don’t think it’s bad”

I honestly don’t think I can contain the excitement I have for this next segment. It’s basically going to be the equivalent of the announcers breaking down a play frame by frame to analyze what’s going on. I think body language is a great indicator of what one is thinking, so pay attention to that too. And if you didn’t notice already, I’ve been on a screenshot binge, so hold tight to those scroll wheels.

Set-up

So the set-up to the big situation is Kupah’s calling out of Kaitlyn. He hasn’t really had a good connection with her yet, so during his conversation with her, he brings that up. He thinks she just might be keeping him around to keep the minority quota up, and lets her know:

I don’t want to be here because I look good on a roster of men that you still keep around. -Kupah

Unfortunately, he’s overanalyzing things, and is definitely overreacting. Kaitlyn has to juggle 19 guys at the moment in her head, and if she can even remember your name, that’s a gold star. Kupah didn’t do himself any favors by not talking to her at the boxing group date, but she’s probably willing to overlook that just because he hasn’t done anything yet to tank his chances. Until this moment:

I guess this is kind of hard. To be honest, I felt a connection, until right now. -Kaitlyn

Kupah then proceeds to put himself into a terribly awkward corner. Let’s break it down:

Listen, this is not going to help my case at all,

Well, that’s never a great way to start off a statement.

but I want to be here because I’m already committed to the whole process of being here and opening myself up.

Oh, you’ve opened yourself up alright. Not sure if you’ve heard of TMI, but this is a textbook case. You should probably stop while you’re ahead.

And this is the first real time I’ve had to talk to you.

Well, that’s your own fault. You had a chance during the group date, but you passed it up to have a good time punching the bags and hanging with Laila. Now would be a good time to apologize. Whatever you do, don’t comment on her looks.

And obviously you are beautiful and you’re a very attractive woman,

Uh oh. I warned you.

your eyes are awesome.

Not helping yourself…

Like you’re a pretty girl, and your personality, that’s awesome.

Oh man, you tried to use the personality trick to make-up for things? No girl with half a brain is going to be deceived by that. It’s too late bro. Get out while there’s still a slim chance.

You’re witty and sarcastic. That’s dope.

No girl wants to be called ‘dope’. Chicken and waffles is dope. Run the Jewels is dope. The new Apple Watch is dope. Your buddy getting a promotion is dope. Your potential future wife is NOT dope.

I want to be here. I want to build on this situation.

Wait, this situation right here? The one where you’ve dug yourself into a grave, lowered yourself into it, and started to cover the casket with dirt?

I can’t imagine that our story wouldn’t be just as cool if you were like, ‘When I first met him it was a little weird but once we hit third gear it was like so amazing.’ So hopefully I’m around long enough for that.

BRO. YOU PULLED THE “OUR STORY” MOVE? RIP.

Kaitlyn asks for some time to think about it, and Kupah asks her to pound. What?!?

Kaitlyn takes some time to deliberate in front of the “thinking fireplace” where all of the pensive scenes seem to be shot. It must be the ambience…

The Exit

Which leads us up to the oh-so-fantastic conversation:

First off, Kaitlyn takes him out front. That is NEVER a good sign. Bad things only happen at the front door. It’s like when your parents text you to ask you to call them. It’s going to be a bad call, so put on your big boy and big girl pants.

Kaitlyn: I’m sorry, I’m going to have to let you go. I’m sorry.

Kupah: Wow. I didn’t expect that, but, OK. That’s pretty f’ed up.

Using profanity in an early conversation with your hopeful soulmate is not a good sign. A harbinger of doom. Also, anytime you say, “but… OK” you sound like an idiot.

Kaitlyn: PARDON? Well, yeah, it is. When you go and talk to the guys…

Kupah: That’s not really fair.

Are you in third grade BRO? Complaining about how things aren’t fair? Did Tommy get the green crayon when you wanted it? Did your get picked last during kickball? Sorry to break it to you, but life’s not fair, especially when you call people out and make them feel terrible.

Kaitlyn: That’s just how I’m feeling. It’s not really fair to keep you after I’ve felt like I’ve completely lost my connection with you.

[PAUSE]

Kupah: I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot. I mean you’re sexy. I think you’re pretty.

Oh brother. Haven’t I already told you to stop talking about her looks? And you don’t even sound like a third grader any more. You sound like a kindergartener who doesn’t want to leave the toy section of Walmart. You basically are throwing a temper tantrum, and you’re a grown man.

Kaitlyn: There’s more to me than that.

Kupah: I know, but I like all that other stuff. You said you like movie quotes, yes or no?

All that other stuff. Sigh.

Kaitlyn: Yes!

Kupah: Sweatpants…

It’s too late. You can’t say she looks good in sweatpants. It won’t work, no matter how true it is and how sincere you say it. Like you’re just going to look bad. Oh wait…

Kaitlyn: It’s week one and we’re already in this position. This is bad!

LISTEN TO HER. SHE SPEAKS TRUTH. THIS. IS. BAD.

Kupah: I don’t think it’s bad.

Kaitlyn: NO. I’M TELLING YOU IT’S BAD.

SHE JUST TOLD YOU IT’S BAD. THE EARTH IS ROUND. VACCINES ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF AUTISM. WE LANDED ON THE MOON. 911 WAS NOT AN INSIDE JOB.

Kupah: I mean, I hear you, but I don’t think it’s bad. I don’t think it’s bad.

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T THINK IT’S BAD, DOESN’T CHANGE THINGS. YOU SOUND LIKE A FLAT EARTHER, CLIMATE CHANGE DENYER, 911 TRUTHER AND VACCINE FEARMONGER.

[EXHALE]

Kupah: I think people need to figure things out. I’d rather have this conversation with you now than have it in 2 months.

Kaitlyn: I understand that, but I do understand figuring things out, but do you think it’d be fair if I kept you around when I’m feeling this way? Or do you think it’s fair that I don’t put you through a rose ceremony and that I’m saying that you can go now?

She’s doing you a favor bro. Just acccept her generosity and make as much of a graceful exit as you can.

[Kupah blank stare. Caitlin gives him a pity hug and then walks inside.]

Kupah: Good luck.

Aftermath

Kupah then proceeds to go bonkers during his exit interview.

I’M NOT ABOUT THIS THING. JUST ASK ME THE QUESTIONS AND LET ME GO HOME. PLEASE.

WHAT?! I’M UPSET I DIDN’T GET A ROSE. I’M UPSET SHE SENT ME HOME. WHATEVER MAN.

Kaitlyn then exits her interview to go outside to settle what appears to be a dicey situation. Does Kupah punch a producer? Does Kaitlyn slap Kupah? What happens?!?!

DON’T MISS, WHEN THE DRAMA CONTINUES, NEXT WEEK, ON THE BACHELORETTE…

Quotes

I mean, she’s kind of a big deal [Laila Ali], if you know anything about anything. -Kupah

Ben Z, please don’t hit me, or I’m going to just explode. -Jared

I’ve never been in a fight in my life, and all of a sudden my first fight is on national television? Like what the hell?! -Tanner

I’m going to win Kaitlyn’s heart, and the belt, just to cover my bases, you know? -Daniel

If I get my face messed up, Kaitlyn might send me home. -Tanner

Daniel fights like he’s wearing a tu-tu. What’s inside those boxing gloves? Teacups? -Daniel

I’m concerned that some of my one-on-one time might be in the emergency room later. -Kaitlyn

There’s definitely a chance Jared could beat me, but I won’t let it happen. My football buddies would never let me live that one down. -Ben Z

Let’s get one thing straight. If it says take her breath away, and you scuba dive; that’s drowning, man. -Joshua

Heat up our inner selves, and be in the moment -Gisele

The boxing date is a complete joke. The foundation that I want to establish my forever on does not start with me beating your ass. It’s always a competition, but it should never lead to fisticuffs. You should never have to fight for attention. Love is self-less. Love is given. It’s not something that you fight for. -Tony the Healers

That was different for me, because I’ve never had a first kiss underwater. -Kaitlyn

You took my breath away today, instead of me taking away yours. -Clint

Watching Tony go through an entire date is nightmare fuel. -JJ

That’s not the only thing I can do with my tongue. 😉 -Joshua

I couldn’t hear him because my own brain was shutting down. It was just like a human instinct to protect my awkward sensor. -JJ

I’m not here for her, I’m here for us. So, my heart means just as much to me as her love does to me. -Tony the Healer

So I will open myself up fully to Kaitlyn, but still pay attention to the signs the universe presents. -Tony the Healer

I’m CONFIDENT that I’m the right person for Kaitlyn. We had a great kiss. I tried to drag that out as long as possible. I would put 50 grand that I’m going to get a rose tonight. -JJ

She said she feels that her husband is here. And I just wanted to remind her what husband material is. -JJ

But wait, there’s more!

Brady asks Britt if she will be his girl. [insert guitar riff here]

And she obviously says yes. As of right now, it looks like Britt has made out like a bandit. Not only does she have a boyfriend, but she got to skip all of the drama. Kind of like how Iman Shumpert and JR Smith got to skip out on the monstrosity of the season that the Knicks closed out with and are now headed to the NBA Finals. The question remains, how long can this cinderella story last, both for the 2 Knicks expats, Britt and Brady, and for us the viewer?

Villains gonna vill (The Bachelorette, S11 E03) was originally published in Timmy has a tummy ache on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Another thing I’m still working on is figuring out what the wheelhouse of this blog will be. Most other Bachelor/Bachelorette blogs are recaps, which give a general rundown of what went down, along with some snarky commentary. If I were to do that, I would need to be timely in the writing of my posts, as well as up on pop culture and a clever writer. Of those three things I am none, so I’ve decided to just do my own thing and call it a day. I think I’m going to concentrate on inane analytics and statistics, some analysis of the production and editing, as well as a little grab bag of ridiculous quotes. I figure, these blogs are going to be so late (at the moment, this is being written over a week and a half after the original air date of episodes 1 & 2, whoops), the people who already watch the show don’t care to relive the experience, and the people who just want to read the blog for ridiculousness can still enjoy it without getting too bogged down in details.

The Entrances

From a production standpoint, the entrances for this season provide such a blank canvas for emotional manipulation. The producers can stack the early limos in a certain woman’s favor to get the narrative going in the way they want, and then BAM, pull a quick one on us with a dramatic conclusion. After seeing the way the intros for the 2 women were cut, I KNEW they were going to play up Britt and stack things in her favor early. She was being pushed as sincere, emotional and intense, whereas Kaitlyn was being passed as the flippant, fun-seeking, party-girl of the duo. Also, they gave Britt the white dress and Kaitlyn the black dress. I’m not sure if they could have been less subtle.

So they way the entrances were set-up, the women were both placed outside the front door, what looks to be 10–15 feet from each other. Far apart that the bachelors would have to make a conscious decision to choose who to approach first, but close enough that they could awkwardly hear what they men were saying to each women. Basically, the perfect distance to maximize the amount of drama, the corner-3 of reality TV.

So I kept track of which woman each bachelor approached first. Of the 25, only one called both women to him. The rest approached one woman over the other (or at least, that’s the way it was edited). I kept track of who and the order and then charted it, kind of like a basketball score chart.

As we see above, Britt takes the early lead. The first guy approaches Kaitlyn, but after that, Britt goes on a streak. Obviously the edit plays up how nervous Kaitlyn is, and how good Britt is feeling. But we see around the half-way point that the women even out, and Kaitlyn slowly pulls away to end the entrances up 14–10 (with 1 bachelor calling both women in for a group hug).

I’ve been saying since day 1 that the producers would stack the deck in Kaitlyn’s favor, and this is just one key stat which backs that idea up. If you want to get more specific, I kept track of the guys who brought specific gifts for each women. From what I gather from the various podcasts, the men weren’t told that there would be two women, but had an idea that it might be Kaitlyn or Britt. So those that brought a gift were expecting one for sure, and as all-in as you could be for never having had a conversation yet. At the end of the entrances, Kaitlyn is up on the gift stats 4–1 on Britt, and at the end of the night, gets an extra 2 gifts (great ones, I might add) to go up 6–1. If that doesn’t say stacked deck, I don’t know what does (coughNBAlotteryCOUGH).

Voting process

I found the voting process to be quite intriguing. There was a separate room set up, with 2 wooden boxes with rose-cutouts on the top. There was also each woman’s photo, as well as lots of candles. To me it was too reminiscent of a memorial service, and had little bit of a deceased air to it.

Chris Harrison opens up the voting process relatively early on in the night, and Tony the Healer almost immediately enters the room. He places his hands lovingly on the boxes and felt that the “energy coming from the chest with Britt’s name on it was pulsating”. Whatever floats your boat.

In terms of election humor, I think the Bachelorette really missed out. There could have been poll-workers, or even exit-poll surveyors. I’d nominate Jimmy Kimmel to interview each guy after they left the room and get some thoughts on who they voted for and why. It would have spiced up a relatively boring first episode.

Based on interviews and footage during the first 2 episodes, I tried my best to tabulate what the votes were. Either there was footage of a bachelor voting, quotes of who he voted for during interviews and general hanging out, or later during the rose ceremony, guys calling out other guys for voting for someone specific. I then made an educated guess that if someone called out another guy for voting for Britt, the accuser was bitter and most likely voted for Kaitlyn. My informal tally had 11 votes for Kaitlyn, 8 for Britt, and 5 unaccounted for. Where’s that extra vote? He was escorted off of the show, of course.

M for manufactured drama

During my podcast with Lewis (which you can listen to here: https://soundcloud.com/timmy-has-a-tummy-ache/the-bachelorette-s11e0102-lewis), we both wondered that if there had not been a Ryan M, would the opening episode have been basically a snoozer?

For those who aren’t watching, Ryan M makes a great first impression by coming back out of the mansion to yell “THAT CAR SUCKS!” when Shawn E rolls up in a carpool. Yes, a literal car with a literal pool in the back.

He later has other golden quotes, such as “THIS LOOKS LIKE A LEGIT DRINK, BUT IT’S JUST FIREBALL ON THE ROCKS” and “YOU DO SUCK, BY THE WAY, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU”.

He’s obviously blackout drunk during the night, and some might wonder if he possibly even showed up drunk to the mansion. After being confronted about the interrupting entrance incident, he claims, “I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, BESIDES BEING AWESOME.” And if you’re wondering if I’m typing all his quotes in caps for a reason, it’s because you need to read them in your mind in a drunk frat-bro voice. He’s later escorted off of the Bachelorette mansion premises, not because he was belligerent and according to Kupah, “white boy wasted”, not because he made an inappropriate rape joke to another bachelor, not because he touched Kaitlyn’s butt, but because he was not there “for the right reasons.” [sad trombone]

Part of me wonders, do they have their opening night lush singled out during the recruitment process, kind of like a kick-return specialist? They aren’t too hard to find, and a bit of a small role, but if you’ve got a good one, it can completely change the tone of the game. And once they find one, do they just pump him full of drinks [reality TV PED’s anyone?] to ensure that he makes some waves and creates some great footage? It all just seemed to work out too perfectly, and they always seem to have one in their back pocket.

K is for kisses

Last season, everyone was in a tizzy when Farmer Chris opened up the season by kissing Britt. For the non-informed, that’s a relatively bold move, kind of like going for a on-side kick at the beginning of a football game. You’re there to make moves, and not afraid if people know it. Kaitlyn one-ups her former farmer and kisses not one, BUT TWO bachelors. Shawn B gets a kiss with his first-impression rose (basically like a James Harden and-1 call, automatic). But Chris the dentist also sneaks his way into a kiss. As Kaitlyn would say, “THE DENTIST HAS GOT MOVES; GUY’S GOT WHEELS!”

The preview for the show has many other kisses, as well as Kupah calling her out for being on the show just to “make out with a bunch of dudes on TV”.

There’s going to be no judgement from me, because a reminder, the premise of the show is for one person to date TWENTY-FIVE PEOPLE SIMULTANEOUSLY TO DISCOVER THEIR SOUL-MATE, and you can’t really expect it to progress like your typical courtship relationship. However, from a drama perspective, it’s sure to create a lot of tension. Kaitlyn seems to be making a lot of “connections”, and one wonders whether that might inevitably be her downfall as the field narrows.

A pocket of guys that were pro-Britt

As if the bachelors didn’t need a reason to already be jealous of each other, the vote adds an extra element of drama. I think it’s going to be a reoccurring storyline pitting the guys who voted for Britt against the guys who voted for Kaitlyn. Kind of like hipsters who’ve claimed a bar or band before they got popular, the pro-Kaitlyn guys are going to resent the pro-Britt guys for hanging around and stealing their share of the love.

When Brady said the above quote, I chuckled and imagined them all being in the Divergent movie series, and the pro-Britt voters were the faction-less, who were hoping to slide by unnoticed. While it sounds frivolous, considering the amount of time the guys will spend each other, and the probability they’re going to grind each others’ gears, this is just another reason for the men to bicker and foster resentment. Bad for long-lasting friendships, but perfect for drama.

Closing stats

The bachelors who left/didn’t get roses
Average age: 28.3
Tattoos/bro: 1.83 (pretty high because Josh has 9)

The bachelors who remain
Average age: 29.5 (jumps slightly from previous of 29.24)
Tattoos/bro: 1.15 (drops from 1.32, obviously due to Josh’s departure)

Kiss count: 2
Chris, Shawn B

Something else to note, once again, the shot of the men leaving the mansion shows that it is DAYLIGHT. The evening started when it was dark, probably 7 or 8pm, and with the sun coming up, it appears that it lasts until probably 5 or 6am. This is a recent phenomenon, starting with last season’s Bachelor, which had 30 bachelorettes. I’m surprised that with 25, actually 24, bachelors, it would still take production that long.

The season ahead

So if you didn’t already figure out, the guys voted for Kaitlyn, and Britt was sent home. Brady ends up leaving the rose ceremony to follow her, and that will probably end up being a side-story. Not sure how long it’ll be drawn out, but they seem kind of perfect for each other, in a kind of space-y, over-dramatic way.

We’ve got some potential bombshells, with Nick V, who was one of the finalists in Andi’s season crashing the party. And it looks like he’s around to stay, and not just make an appearance. Probably like the Houston Rockets of this year’s NBA playoffs, they’ll make some waves and knock some teams out early, but will make an exit before the finals and fade into obscurity. There also appears to be a lot of physical group dates (boxing and sumo wrestling), which could be a convenient outlet for all the anger and resentment that appears to fester among the bachelors.

There’s also what appears to be a confirmed pre-fantasy suite coitus. However, I’d take this with a grain of salt, since the season preview is always at least 20% more dramatic than reality. One theory is that the coitus is actually pre-show, and she’s just admitting it to someone, potentially Chris Harrison, during an interview. But the way it’s artfully edited (kudos again to the editors), it looks like the act happens during the span of the show, and she admits it to the rest of the guys, and some walk off the show in anger/disappointment.

And per usual, there appears to be lots of kissing. Odds are 2 to 1 that she makes out with every bachelor at least once.

Selected Quotes

I would love to puck you. -JJ

I’M SORRY I’M BEING AWESOME. -Ryan M

I also enjoy your dimples, those are RIDICULOUS. -Kaitlyn

Cold hands, warm heart. -Chris

You smell delightful. -Kaitlyn

Dude, all I write about, is like, spirituals. -Brady

The rest of this journey is about you hopefully finding love, and I will do everything in my power to help you do that -Chris “Frodo” Harrison

The fact that this guy made this out of steel and welded it and was like, ‘I’M A MAN”, that’s HAWWWWWTTTT. -Kaitlyn

There’s only one drinking fountain, and we must all stand in the same line. But I’m ready to just go home and dig my own well. -Tony the Healer

You have become more attractive than I ever thought you would have. -Kaitlyn (backhanded compliment of the episode)

A guy from Kentucky doesn’t just give his moonshine to anybody. -Joe

Can’t judge a book by it’s cupcake -Tony the Healer on Chris

Don’t Judge a Book by its Cupcake (The Bachelorette, S11 E01/02) was originally published in Timmy has a tummy ache on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I first got into the show after seeing several of my friends experience unimaginable amount of joy commenting on the show. If they could have so much fun hate-watching it, why couldn’t I?

My first season was Juan Pablo’s train wreck of a journey, and it’s now the only show I follow religiously, other than college and pro football and basketball.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed talking about the show with anyone who watches the show (and sometimes those who don’t), and probably go at it with the same fervor as I debate whether the college football playoff is good for the sport, or whether the Love-less Cavs have what it takes to win it all. I threw out the idea that I’d blog about this season of the Bachelorette if a certain Facebook post got at least 75 likes, and about 3 hours later, my friends verified that there was no turning back for me.

So here we are, 173 likes later. It’s 1am the day of the season premiere and I’m furiously smashing on my keyboard to get this post out before the first limo arrives at the Bachelorette mansion. I’m going to give my first impressions about each of the guys based on their bio, and also give my thoughts on which woman will get picked. I haven’t listened to any podcasts previewing the cast (shout-out to Jalen & Juliette of the Right Reasons pod), so these opinions are as uninfluenced as possible.

Britt or Kaitlyn?

So I’m actually writing this last, and was planning on putting it at the end. But after going through all 25 bios and being completely underwhelmed, I’m moving it to the top. The only bios worth checking out are Kupah and Shawn E.

Even though this is classified under “reality” TV, there is nothing that is left to chance in this show. The producers have been around so long, and are so good at what they do, there is no way in the world they didn’t know who the men were going to pick before the limos rolled up.

Katilyn was America’s sweetheart, and no honest person even thinks Britt has a chance. She provides a great foil to Kaitlyn, and her stunning looks might win over a couple guys initially, but at the end of the day, she’s the woman that America will love to hate. Sure, a season of her would provide much more drama, but she could also knock over the lantern that burns down the entire Bachelor franchise in a maelstrom of conniving tears and lies. Sure, I’d love it, but as an asian sports-fanatic 20-something male, I’m not quite in their target demo.

I guarantee you that during the interview process, each bachelor was asked who they were on the show to pursue. The producers have stacked the deck in Kaitlyn’s favor, and no matter what they have the trailers make you think, Britt is not going to get picked. Mark my words.

And Max, get your $5 ready, b/c you’re losing this bet.

Opening thoughts

• WOAH, at least 3 or 4 people of color?! Looks like ABC finally got ahold of the census data from, oh, 35 years ago? My gut is that the Bachelorette will drop all but one after the first night, and keep the token minority on for a couple weeks before sending him packing. Nice try producers, but you get a C- for reflecting what America is really made of.
• Only one person decided to wear a tie. Looks like we could be in for a wild cast of bros.
• All of these guys look really boring. And I haven’t even started reading the bios yet. Maybe not so wild as I originally thought.
• I can’t remember if previous seasons noted how many tattoos each participant had, but if not, that could be a new statistical wrinkle.

Ben H

• Biggest date fear: Eating something that doesn’t agree with me and then sitting through the entire date fighting a stomach ache
  Lost points for calling it a stomach ache and not a tummy ache. Real men have tummy aches.
• Superhero: Batman.
  He picked batman because he could invite his friends to chill back in his bat-cave with. Bro, if you’re going to be batman, you automatically lose all of your friends. There’s no fav 5 in your phone, just Alfred, and I guess Robin.
• Tatto count: 1. Average: 1/bro

Ben Z

• If there’s another cast member with the same first name, the odds are low that you’re going to make it to the final 4. I’ll need to crunch some stats, but my gut says he’ll be a quick out.
• Gladior, Gone in 60 Seconds, and Wedding Crashers. How much more prototypical millenial white male can you get?
• Bonus points for saying he’d like to have lunch with his mom. But seriously dude, you can have lunch with your mom anytime you want. So I take those bonus points back.
• HE COULDN’T THINK OF ONE OUTRAGEOUS THING TO LIST ON THE SURVEY. NOT. ONE. I’d even accept eating frog legs under that, and they aren’t even that exotic. No wonder Wedding Crashers is one of his favorite movies.
• Tattoo count: 3. Average: 1.5/bro

Bradley

• All-time favorite movies: Wolf of Wall Street, Will Ferrell movies, Rainman
  “Will Ferrell movies”. When they ask for all time favorite movies, you can’t just list all of the movies that one actor has been in. I don’t just say “candy”, when people ask me what food I like to eat. I say, Swedish Fish, Sour Patch Kids, or Reeses Peanut Butter cups. PUT A LITTLE MORE EFFORT INTO THINGS, BRA.
• Q: Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who pursues you?
  A: “Too often I think women like to be pursued, which is fair, but I would love for a woman to turn the tables and bring her game to me.”
  WHY DID YOU GO ON THE BACHELORETTE THAN. IT’S KIND OF HARD TO BE PURSUED WHEN 20 OTHER DUDES ARE GOING AFTER THE SAME WOMAN.
• Q: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
  A: “Play an NFL game in Tom Brady’s shoes”
  Looks like you’ll have to wait until game 5 to do that buddy. #deflator (The Colts fan in me couldn’t resist the dig.)
• Tattoo count: 4. Average: 1.3/bro

Brady

• Biggest date fear: explosive diarrhea. Let’s be honest, that’s just a fear of mine period, date or no date. Nice attempt at humor, but no points.
• Greatest achievement: “Inwardly, I’d say it’s the person I’ve become.” Nice try again, but that really doesn’t take much effort. I can already see that this guy is going to be the one trying way too hard the first night. Considering that he’s a singer-songwriter, it’s at least even odds he’s going to serenade the ladies the moment he steps out of the limo.
• Outrageous thing: Hit a grand slam in the 9th inning in the Collegiate Regional Championships. Extra bonus points.
• Listed 5 people for who he admired most in the world. Minus points. What part of most don’t you understand?
• Please unpop your collar. My eyes are burning. Minus points.
• Tattoo count: 4. Average: 1/bro

Chris

• He’s wearing quite the radioactive shade of blue colored shirt.
• Biggest date fear: “The girl tries to eat my food.” I guess he hasn’t gone on many dates where french fries are involved.
• “Hot spots are designed for attractive young women and unattractive old men. I like bars because it’s where fun people go to meet each other.” Provided without commentary.
• Favorite superhero is Superman. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
• Tattoo count: 4. Average: .8/bro

Thoughts at 20% point

Our average tattoo count is below 0, and I’m been bored to tears by their answers about what being married means to them. Could we be in for a snoozefest of a season?

Clint

• Also has Gladiator in his favorite movies. How original.
• I have nothing else to comment on his bio. He is guaranteed to be gone after the first night. He admires his Dad, and he wants to be Chuck Norris for one day, and his middle name is vanilla ice cream.
• Tattoo count: 4. Average: .66/bro

Corey

• It says his age is 30, but he’s got to be at least 35 judging by his photo.
• Tattoos: Yes (they’re small). YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTION, BUT YOU ACTUALLY DIDN’T. I’m going to assume that he has 2.
• Biggest date fear: Boredom. Make sure to not look in the mirror too closely before you head out.
• ADMIRES NO ONE IN PARTICULAR. BUT EVERYONE WHO TRULY DOES WHAT THEY LOVE EVERY DAY. What are you even saying? Did anyone ever teach you to think critically?
• Called the Dalai Lama an “enlightened cat”. Minus points.
• Superpower: “The ability to do everything I wanted without needing sleep or losing my health and fitness.” Why does this sound like an answer a 6 year old would give? Actually, I take that back, I know 6 year olds who would give better answers.
• Tattoo count: 6. Average: .85/bro

Cory

• Biggest date fear: “Finding out my date’s really a dude”. Minus points for not being funny. It’s called doing your research, bro. Facebook, Google, Instagram. That’s why the internet was invented.
• Would want to be his younger self for a day. WHAT IN THE WORLD. WHY?! NO.
• He also is the only guy crossing his arms in his photo. AND YES, WE CAN SEE YOU PUSHING UP YOUR BICEP WITH YOUR FIST.
• Tattoo count: 6. Average: .75/bro

Daniel

• Most romantic present: “Support and love. Buying stuff is easy.” Minus points for trying too hard.
• Q: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
  A: The Prince of Monaco, because he has a baller life.
  Used the word baller. Minus points
• Tattoo count: 7. Average: .77/bro

David

• Biggest date fear: Bumping into an ex that makes a big scene. Either he has a lot of exes, or he has a few that were trouble. Either way, his track record does not sound great.
• Q: Who do you admire most in the world?
  A: My younger sister because she knows exactly what she wants to do with her life and she has such a great passion for it.
  This raises more questions about David than it does promoting his sister. Nice try though. Minus points.
• Q: If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?
  A: Brad Pitt, so he can tell me some of his crazy stories and teach me a thing or two about charming women.
  I have a feeling most of Brad Pitt’s charm comes from his genes, and not his personality. Looks like you’re out of luck.
• Tattoo count: 7. Average: .7/bro

Thoughts at 40% point

Not sure I can remain intelligible for 15 more guys. I’m almost guaranteed to fall asleep before than, b/c it’s already 2am. Also, I was worried the cast was skewing a little young at the 20% point, but it seems to have evened out, with 5 under 28, 2 at 28, and 3 above 30.

Ian

• Most romantic present: “One time I made a clock with a picture in the background.” Obviously, he’s much better with his hands than he is with his words.
• Lunch with one person: Jimmy Kimmel. Minus points for trying too hard.
• Tattoo count: 7. Average: .63/bro

Jared

• He has quite the interesting facial structure/beard shading. His chin reminds me of the Dr Doom mask.
• Greatest achievement: volunteering at a summer camp for children with cancer the past 6 years. Note: It only counts as charity work if you don’t brag about it.
• Biggest date fear: “Don’t really have any.” Oh to be young and blissfully unaware.
• Tattoo count: 7. Average: .58/bro

JJ

• Occupation: Former investment banker. Does that mean he’s unemployed? Or that he made so much money, he’s basically retired. Because they’re both on opposite ends of the spectrum, and have drastically different connotations.
• Most outrageous thing: “I won $20,000 betting on college football and won on an onside kick.” Ok, that explains it. He retired and is now a professional gambler. But he does get bonus points for winning on an onside kick.
• Tattoo count: 8. Average: .61/bro

Joe

• American Sniper is one of his all-time favorite movies. AND IT JUST CAME OUT WITHIN THE PAST YEAR. Talk about recency bias.
• Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
  A: Honestly that’s too far ahead. I’m a man that takes life one day at a time. If you look too far into the future you’ll ignore the present.
  MINUS MINUS MINUS POINTS. If you don’t look far enough ahead, you end up wandering around in circles. Also, WHO DOESN’T TAKE LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME. YOU CAN’T JUST LIVE LIFE SKIPPING DAYS LIKE YOU SKIP STEPS ON THE STAIRS. MINUS MINUS MINUS.
• Greatest achievement: “Being able to donate money to my sister’s mission trip this past summer.”
  I’m all for giving money to charity, but GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IS DONATING TO A SUMMER MISSION’S TRIP?!? You could have done that a long time ago, bro.
• Tattoo count: 8. Average: .57/bro

Jonathan

• Going with the 2nd button undone. Risque.
• Q: What does being married mean to you?
  A: Giving yourself to someone wholly!
  Is the exclamation point necessary? Really?
• “Listening and attending to a woman’s needs” can be “very romantic to the right woman.” Or it could be part of being a considerate person. Like you’re supposed to listen to everyone, not just the women you’re interested in.
• Would have lunch with Warren Buffet “to let me in on wealth secrets”. Sorry to break it to you, but there are no secrets. He’s just smarter than the rest of us.
• Tattoos: Yes. YOU’RE NOT HELPING THE CAUSE JOHNNY BOY. Going to assume 2.
• Tattoo count: 10. Average: .66/bro

Thoughts at the 60% point

I’m not as tired as I thought I’d be, but I definitely am more bored that I expected to be.

Josh

• Exotic Dancer. I’m putting the over/under on the amount of clothing he emerges from the limo at 2. And I’m taking the under.
• ANOTHER TATTOOS YES MAN. Judging by his cheesy smile, I’m going to assume 1.
• Admires most: Trailblazers. “Anyone who resists the norm or conventional structures”. I bet that’s going to take you far in your career as a lawyer in the judicial system.
• Greatest accomplishment: Graduating from law school. But your occupation is listed as “law student”. Either you are a student, or a graduate. You can’t be both.
• Lunch person: Myself in 20 years. PEOPLE, STOP EATING LUNCH WITH FUTURE/PAST SELF. THERE’S NOT ENOUGH ROOM FOR ALL THE EGOS IN THE BACHELORETTE MANSIONS.
• Tattoos: 11. Average: .68/bro

Joshua

• Occupation: industrial welder. Bonus points for picking a lucrative trade. Sometimes I wish I had picked up welding. Journalism hasn’t exactly been a cash cow for me.
• NINE TATTOOS?!?! That’s going to bump up the average, FO SHO.
• Biggest date fear: My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow. WHAT?! NO. MINUS POINTS.
• Superhero: “The Invisible Man — what guy wouldn’t want to be in a room full of women to listen to them talk to try to understand them better.” You know, if you actually asked, most of them will actually tell you. No need to waste a super-power.
• Tattoos: 20. Average: 1.17/bro (things are starting to get crazy)

Justin

• Q: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
  A: Someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.
  You know, you don’t have to go very far to discover that. Being from Naperville, Chicago’s a great place to start.
• Tattoos: 21. Average: 1.16/bro

Kupah

• Q: What does being married mean to you?
  A: FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER. Team, companion, friend. Mates, support, trust, balanced. (verbatim, no emphasis added)
  SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. Did he write this all out, or type it in? Why all of the extra O, R and E’s, but only one V?
• Tattoos: 21. Average: 1.05/bro

Ryan B

• Q: What’s your most embarrassing moment?
  A: Meant to send a pic to my girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it.
  Was it a picture of what you had for brunch? AND HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY TWEET SOMETHING. YOU DON’T SEND THOSE THINGS OVER TWITTER DM’s BRO.
• Tattoos: 21. Average: 1.05/bro

Thoughts at 80% point

Last 5 guys have present some wild ones. They might be able to redeem this season after all. Home stretch.

Ryan M

• Occupation: Junkyard specialist. This provides more questions than answers. Do you specialize in the yards, or what they contain? Are you working for the yards, or searching the yards? Who pays you? How do you make a living? What do you major in to be a junkyard specialist?
• Q: Do you consider yourself a romantic?
  A: Yes, because I like the idea of having a soulmate.
  I’m not sure that’s proper reasoning. But I’ll let it slide.
• Tattoos: 22. Average: 1.04/bro

Shawn B

• Listed 1D under his favorite musical artists, with the preface of “obviously”. This man has cajones.
• Superhero to be? The Hulk. My two-year-old nephew is obsessed with the Hulk. I would love to surprise visit him and yell “HULK, SMASH!”
  That actually made me smile. Extra bonus points.
• Q: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be?
  A: My dog. I would love to know what goes on in his head and how crazy he thinks I am. Not to mention, he is also the most spoiled dog I know.
  Nevermind. You just lost all your bonus points. You could be anyone in the entire universe, and you picked your own dog.
• Tattoos: 22. Average: 1.00/bro

Shawn E

• Wins the award for most punchable face.
• Occupation: Amateur sex coach. Wait, so are you an “amateur sex” coach, or an amatuer “sex coach”. Are there professionals? How long does it take to get certified? Is there a governing body? Do you have a membership card in your wallet with you right now?
• Superhero: “Superman, because you can’t change what you already are! ☺”
  Minus points. Not that you had any to begin with. And the emoticon isn’t helping your case either.
• Mentioned skydiving in his ultimate date. Well, that’s the best way to NOT get that date. You’re going to end up going on a Costco date (sans Kimmel), or playing board games now.
• Tattoos: 22. Average: .95/bro

Tanner

• Q: What is the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?
  A: Besides trying out for The Bachelorette? Maybe skydiving?
  Way to break the fourth wall, bro. And skydiving? Talk about a boring bucket list he probably has. I bet he’s training to run a half-marathon too.
• Tattoos: 22. Average: .91/bro

Tony

• Superhero: “Tony Stark/Iron Man — he is humble yet arrogant, fights crime, and is hella rich.”
  “humble yet arrogant.” Not only is that wrong, but it also makes no sense. Minus points. And you used the word hella, and you live in THE MIDWEST. Minus all of the points.
• Tattoos: 25. Average: 1.0/bro

Closing thoughts

The back stretch redeemed the potential interestingness of the season, but I fear based on the trailer it’s going to be a mediocre season. I guess after all of the craziness from the Bachelor, it’ll hard to come even close to that.

With an average of one tattoo per bro, we’re left with a less than illuminating stat. I think the niner (Joshua) will provide a lot of interesting drama on the front end, but I have a feeling the latter half of the season will end up being pretty straightforward.

Also, the back stretch skewed older, so we have a final count of 7 guys younger than the bachelorettes, and 10 older, with 8 at about the same age of 28. It’ll be interesting to see how long the younger guys last, and if many make it to the hometowns. I’m not saying the relationships won’t work, but I just know that men mature more slowly than women, and a 25 year old is going to have a doozy of a time trying to remain interesting amoung guys who have 8–10 years experience over him.

Thanks for sticking it through with me. I’m hoping to record a podcast with a rotating cast of friends in the city, so hopefully that can get posted by Friday/Saturday.

What have I gotten myself into? (The Bachelorette, S11 E00) was originally published in Timmy has a tummy ache on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.