I​n all my experience of being in relationships and learning about them, one theme I always seem to come across is the idea of being with someone for life. We imagine what it must be like to be in love for so long and spend so much time together when we see older couples. There’s something about it that warms your heart and you feel a great sense of hope and while all these feelings are valid, we never take the time to sit with what they had to do to stay together for so long. We see what we want to see, we see the glitz and glamour, never the ugliness of choosing to love the same person every day no matter how they show up.

And often times when we do get insight into what a person had to endure, we project our standards onto them and decide “we wouldn’t put up with that”. Yea, I’m talking about hearing about your grandfather’s cheating. We pity the women we hear the stories from, but we never hear what the other side had to say about dealing with our grandmother for so long, and we probably wouldn’t care because “nothing is worse than cheating” and “men are trash” (women are innocent). But the truth is, everyone you meet is going to have some issue, some character flaw, some healing they must do that your relationship triggers, and so will you. The long haul takes grit, constant commitment to the relationship and realizing that more often than not “It Be Your Own Self” (shameless podcast plug).

Before getting into the “how”, it’s important to accept this harsh reality; there’s nothing that guarantees life partnership. Relationships are the primary reason we are here (on Earth) and the purpose for relationships are lessons. They are for us to learn about ourselves and how to love unconditionally. You can do that with one person or people, in fact you already do so because relationships aren’t only romantic. You have family, friendships, work mates etc to heal and learn from. (Some people associate the word, lesson to hardship or struggle but sometimes the lesson is easy or something fun). Once, you learn the lessons you needed to learn from the person you are in relationship with sometimes that relationship will transition from its current state. That can look like transitioning to friends (provided you aren’t friends already or family) not speaking or being a part of each others lives at all and that’s okay.

N​ow that that’s out of the way, what does it take to build lifelong relationships? In no particular order and not an end all be all.

​1. Communication — I’ve mentioned this in the second post of the series (check out the links below) but it’s not enough to just communicate. You must learn to communicate effectively. This requires you to be aware of your communication style, learn your partner’s, and find the best ways to communicate between the two of you. Have rules of engagement, no talking issues while presently angry and reactive, no cursing, control body language, and no raising your voice and time out when one of these rules is encroached on and try again later, are a few to implement. The communication must be honest, direct, and vulnerable. No blaming, shaming, or guilt tripping. Take responsibility for your feelings, no absolutes, over use I-statments whenever possible, and validate your feelings as well as your partner’s.

2. Trust — Because I am a big promoter of “self first”, trust begins and ends with how much you trust yourself. It also revolves around releasing our expectations of other people. While you can hold people to their word, understand, you are dealing with fallible human beings and they will disappoint you and do something that would make them seem or be untrustworthy. The euphoria that comes with trusting someone without them having broken that trust may never return but trust can be regained through work on both ends. This isn’t a “don’t trust people because they aren’t worthy” thing. This is an “often what we think is trust is not, trust is built, and anything built takes time and mistakes are made”. Honorable mention for trust is forgiveness because with a lifelong relationship, it will take a ton of forgiveness even more so as you go through the process of building trust.

3. Honesty — I don’t advocate for honesty because it’s some high moral honor but because the things you avoid or truths you don’t want to acknowledge will tear down the relationship. It’s better to be clear and direct about who you are up front, give the person the choice to stay verses manipulating them into staying around by omission. Honesty is a straightforward concept but some of us have to learn to be honest from traumas associated with childhood (Like me). Dishonesty was a survival tactic and its something that’s seemingly unforgiving when you are confronted by someone looking for the truth. But even in the face of this experience, honesty is still the best route. If you have a trauma like this, work it out in therapy and with your partner.

​4. Freedom — Freedom is an abstract concept that’s hard to explain but it looks like working to release your control dramas. Let go of how you think somebody should be, think, or feel. What they should or should not do and how they should act. Release the need to change a person. The only person you can control is you. There’s a grave difference between speaking up for what you want and seeking to build someone into what you want, especially by complaint or criticism. In short, freedom is accepting the person for who they are, respecting their autonomy and agency. No matter how much you love someone, they came here with their own purpose and mission, they must walk their own path and when you accept them for who they are and what they want, they tend to continue a path next to yours.

5. Finding middle ground — People love the words sacrifice and compromise when it comes to relationships. And maybe this is my fancy way of dressing up those concepts but I’ve often found that sacrifice/compromise leaves one party feeling unfulfilled. Someone doesn’t get something they want. It’s funny because these words always get thrown around by the person expected to be sacrificed for and never them saying what they will sacrifice to make a partnership run smoother. That’s telling and narcissistic. Finding the middle ground is doing the work to find where your desires are mutual and going with that choice. Yeah you may end up having to give up something but you also get something in return. Finding the middle ground is not easy, it requires you to relinquish your ego, have empathy, and sometimes it takes a bit of negotiating before a decision is reached. That can be dreadful if you have an insecure attachment style but it’s a best practice because it makes people feel respected and builds trust.

T​here are more keys to building lifelong relationships but these are great starting points and as I stated before lifelong relationships take alot of work.. alot of self work. Which relationships in general are good with making you aware of. It can feel heavy and defeating at times but when it’s good it’s so worth it. Start building today!

C​heck out the rest of the series:

T​he Introduction: https://tkzumme.medium.com/conscious-partnership-the-introduction-fc651407d668

Meet the authors: https://tkzumme.medium.com/conscious-partnership-meet-the-writers-efde142f58fb

Part 1: Healing Parental Traumas for Better Relationships: https://tkzumme.medium.com/healing-parental-traumas-for-better-relationships-ad4c57148764

Part 2: https://medium.com/@thedivineseven/attracting-partners-were-compatible-with-c6f76de1d82d

Check out my podcast “It Be Your Own Self” https://anchor.fm/itbeyourownself