I don’t know how wanting a man or relationship became so uncool, so cringe, practically frowned upon.

I have my theories: feminism, #MeToo, the patriarchy, social media, dating apps, dating burnout, I could go on, but I don’t really care what caused it. All I care about is that we get some perspective.

I say this not just as a dating coach, but as an advocate for love, and a champion of people who still want it, believe in it, and hold out hope for it.

If you’ve blown off relationships, hate men, or have no desire to ever date again, there’s no need to read further. More power to you. This article isn’t for you, although I’d still love for you to read it. And while you’re at it, also read “What’s So Wrong About Being ‘Picked’ By a Man,” just in case you realize one day that romantic relationships aren’t beneath you, and want to give it a try.

Over the last few years, I’ve watched as more and more single women have collectively decided that men and relationships aren’t needed nor worth it, and to want one makes you a defector of the singles sisterhood, and a betrayer of single women in general. Nothing could be further than the truth. You can be an empowered single and still be open to love. Two things can be true at the same time.

In fact, a lot of things can be true at the same time:

Wanting a man doesn’t make you a sellout to the singles cause.

Wanting romance doesn’t mean you’ve failed at feminism.

Wanting a relationship doesn’t make you a traitor.

And longing for love doesn’t make you weak.

It makes you human.

This current anti-man attitude is so corrosive and counterproductive, it hurts my heart. You know why? Because I was a single woman once. I was solo till I was 51, and during those years, I had more breakups, heartache, and relationship fails than most single women will ever have in their lifetimes. Even with everything I went through, I never became so brittle, bitter, or self-righteous that I would turn my back on love and tell men to fuck off.

That’s what’s happening today. Single women have become a reliable voting bloc against men and relationships.

In the article, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” British Vogue contributor Stephanie Yaboah recounts the time she announced her relationship on social media by sharing photos of her and her boyfriend, which caused her to lose hundreds of followers. The online backlash to her relationship was vicious.

Imagine women not being happy for partnered women. WTF!?

Stephanie ended up breaking up with her boyfriend, then expressed regret about posting the photos: “Even if we were still together, I wouldn’t post them. There is something cringey and embarrassing about constantly posting your partner these days. There is a part of me that would also feel guilty for sharing my partner constantly — especially when we know the dating landscape is really bad at the moment. I wouldn’t want to be boastful.”

If you don’t read the full article, here’s the gist: Being with a man is almost a guilty thing to do these days.

At the same time single women are looking down their noses at coupledom, they’re celebrating being alone. If you’re single, you’re united in solidarity. You’re part of a club and a cause. But if you have a secret desire for love and romance, just don’t say it out loud lest you get shamed or canceled.

There’s a lot of this sentiment going around. In The Atlantic article, “The False Cheer of Single Positivity,” writer Faith Hill sheds light on the single woman’s inner conflict: “The culture tells us, simultaneously, that we should be in a couple and that we should feel whole all by ourselves. We should have a partner, but we shouldn’t want one.”

Single ladies, there’s no shame if you want a relationship, and no shame if you don’t.

When I was single, I had no problem admitting I wanted to get married. Anyone who knew me, knew exactly what my goals/dreams/desires/hopes were. It was no secret. I never tried to talk myself out of it, deny it, or pretend I didn’t care. I cared. I also didn’t hide my grief when marriage wasn’t happening.

The difference between me then and women now, according to Faith Hill is that “The 21st-century single woman is the one who has to prove her complete humanity by performing her contentment. She is empowered; she’s badass; she slays. She might also grieve — but no one really wants to talk about that.”

Kudos to writer Y.L Wolfe who says the quiet part out loud in, “Can We Talk About the Exhaustion of Being a Single Woman?” Single life is great, but the struggle is real. Thank you. Much respect, sister.

Even though I like to think I was the poster child for strong, independent women, I wasn’t strong all the time. I wasn’t some badass who reveled in her ability to be by herself or congratulated herself for not needing a man. I was strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable, though. I talked about it. I blogged about it. I wrote a book about it. If I was single today and did that, I’d be laughed out of the sisterhood.

Let’s be clear:

Do I need a man? No.

Do I have my own money? Yes.

Can I fix stuff by myself? Yes.

Can I make good decisions for myself? Yes.

Can I get through crises alone? Yes.

I still can’t change a flat tire by myself, but I can drive a stick shift in L.A. traffic, which definitely qualifies me for badass status.

There’s lots of us strong, independent types who aren’t afraid to say we love men, masculinity, chivalry, and traditional gender roles. Feminists may come after me with pitchforks, but I love a guy opening my door, pulling out my chair, and doing manly things for me.

Yeah, I said it!

I’m not afraid to say I love being married. I love having a partner. I love having someone to take care of me when I’m sick, someone to protect me, someone to hold my hand when I’m scared, and someone to help shoulder the burden of daily life.

As an only child/latchkey child with no kids, these things are not insignificant.

I’m not exactly the “Surrendered Wife,” but I’m secure enough in my femininity and personal power to let the man be the man. You want to take charge? Be my guest! You want to take the lead? Knock yourself out! It’s nice not being in control of everything every minute of my day, and I’ll admit that too.

And even though I love being called Mrs. Scharf, I’ve kept my maiden name “Brandon” as a reminder of who I was before I got married, and what I accomplished as a single woman.

Just to repeat, there’s no shame in:

Wanting to love and be loved.

Wanting to be protected.

Wanting to be nurtured.

Wanting to be cared for.

Whether you need it or not.

It’s not embarrassing.

It’s not a betrayal.

And you shouldn’t have to apologize for it.

To be honest, I think women say they don’t need men as a way to protect themselves from hurt and disappointment, which is a legit fear, and I get it. But I hope you beautiful badasses will reconsider, and one day come back to the other sisterhood, where you can be strong and independent and still want love too.

For more actionable dating advice like this, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 30-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

For the latest news and trends from the dating world, subscribe to my Substack newsletter, “The Latest in Love.”

My writing is always 100% AI-free.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Wanting a Relationship was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

If it’s been a while since you interacted with a real live human being, you’re not alone (well, you are alone, so pun intended). It’s possible to go days on end without ever seeing another soul.

We live our lives almost entirely online now. We shop, learn, exercise, stream, date, game, worship, and work on a screen, all without human contact. We’ve gotten so good at being alone we forgot all about people.

I’M HERE TO REMIND YOU THAT PEOPLE ARE PRETTY GREAT.

Not all people, mind you. There’s some I don’t love (they know who they are), and some I’d rather do without (Donald Trump). Shitty people ruin it for everyone. Get screwed over enough and you’ll completely lose your faith in humanity.

Still, I choose to see the good. And except for those horrible ex-friends and a wannabe dictator president, I’d rather have people in my life than not.

I’m an only child, latchkey child, child of divorce, child of a working mother, and I was single and solo practically my entire adult life, so I know what being alone feels like. I realized the value of people from an early age, so I cultivated those friendships and relationships and kept them close.

Do you need people? Maybe not. But a world without us seems very lonely — especially if there’s a part of you that still craves human love, human touch, and human connection.

NOTHING REPLACES REAL PEOPLE.

Not phones, screens, porn, bots, social media, AI, or solitude. You may think you don’t need us, you may have written us off as useless or annoying, but we do serve a purpose. We’re your community, your tribe, your support system, your warm body.

We’re a social species after all.

It’s easy to forget though when we’re so isolated. Blame it on the pandemic, technology, dating app fatigue, apathy, or just plain laziness, it’s clear that we’re “losing our patience for human complexity, losing our practice doing the hard work of partnership, and losing sight of the rewards that come from growing alongside someone,” says writer Faith Hill in her Atlantic article, “The Real Allure of an AI Boyfriend.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME OF THOSE REWARDS. WITH A HUMAN, YOU GET:

👉🏻 Someone to kiss your boo-boos.

👉🏻 Someone to hold your hand when you’re scared.

👉🏻 Someone to hug and hug you back.

👉🏻 Someone to adjust your bra straps when you can’t reach them.

👉🏻 Someone to check in on you when you’re struggling.

👉🏻 Someone to give you the Heimlich Manuever when you’re choking.

Your phone can’t do all those things, I don’t care how smart it is.

Technology is not a substitute for friends, AI is not a real relationship, and your closest confidante should not be a computer.

PEOPLE MAKE YOU MORE HUMAN.

If you still think people are worth knowing, follow psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel’s advice:

TALK TO STRANGERS.

As children we’re taught not to talk to strangers, but the truth is, everyone you know was a stranger before you met. And those strangers either became friends, or lovers, colleagues, spouses, etc. It started somewhere. You smiled, made eye contact, said hello, and next you knew, a connection was made.

Want to connect with someone? Strike up a mini conversation while you’re in line somewhere, or in an airport, at the gym, or wherever you’re in close proximity or have a captive audience.

Perel tells TODAY.com: “When I think of the top places to talk to strangers, I think queues are fantastic. When you’re waiting to go into a concert, or into a movie, or into an event…and you talk to people that are standing around you, she says. The line offers a unique low-risk opportunity to connect with others. You’re all waiting for the same thing, which means you have a common interest.

You have a host of shared experience that you’re about to have, and this anticipatory expectation already gives you a ton of things to talk about, says Perel. Plus, waiting gets boring, so why not chat to pass the time?”

Perel suggests questions like: ‘What brings you here? Have you heard this person (or artist) before? Are you a fan? Where else have you seen this person?”

And don’t start freaking out that it can’t be done, or it’s impossible, or you’ll get rejected. Yeah, you will, and then one day you won’t. Because I promise there’s someone out there who wants to know you and talk.

Creating micro-interactions is my jam, and I have some good suggestions in my article, “8 Low-Risk Ways to Make the First Move (Women, I’m talking to you too!)”

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO TO FOSTER CONNECTION?

👉🏻 Tell an acquaintance you think they’re cool and want to hang out more.

👉🏻 Show a little vulnerability and tell someone you could use a friend right now.

👉🏻 Open up and share something personal.

👉🏻 Text or call a friend for no reason other than to say hi.

👉🏻 Ask someone out on a date. For god’s sake, do it already!

Before you get too good at being alone, before you write off friends as unnecessary, before you forget what real intimacy feels like, before you lose your faith in humanity, before fall in love with your AI romance bot or give up on of love altogether, please remember us people. We’re the best thing that can happen to anyone — especially you.

For more actionable dating advice, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 30-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

For the latest news and trends from the dating world, sign up for my Substack newsletter, “The Latest in Love.”

Treva Brandon Scharf | Substack

People Are the Best Thing That Can Happen to Anyone was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I read a recent New York Times Modern Love essay that had me nodding my head in agreement and shaking my head in despair: “Men, Where Have You Gone?”

The subtitle really nailed it: “So many men have retreated from intimacy, hiding behind firewalls, filters and curated personas, dabbling and scrolling. We miss you.”

Yes, we do.

I want my single friends and coaching clients to find love. That’s why I miss men. I’m a hopeful romantic.

In the essay, writer Rachel Drucker laments men vanishing from the rituals of romance. I’ve seen with my own eyes. Seems like every restaurant I go to is filled with tables of women, no men. No men on dates, that is.

Instead, there’s groups of single gals having a great time, as they should (and I love being included!) Life goes on without men, but a life without men is sad to the writer, and to me too.

“Only two tables nearby seemed to hold actual dates. The rest were groups of women, or women alone, each one occupying her space with quiet confidence. No shrinking. No waiting. No apologizing.”

With no men in sight, the writer says it was “a collective shift she couldn’t unsee.”

She goes on to describe it: “That night marked something. Not a heartbreak, but an unveiling. A sense that what I’d been experiencing wasn’t just personal misalignment. It was something broader. Cultural. A slow vanishing of presence.”

Why are men disappearing from the dating scene? I think I may know:

Technology

The internet, social media, and online dating, for starters. Technology has brought us closer, we find each other faster, but what happens after seems to undo all the good technology promised. Instead of connecting us, we’re using it to further distance and divide us. The modern marvels of dating apps — anonymity, illusion of choice, swiping, instant gratification — haven’t exactly done wonders for romance, courtship, or humanity either.

Expectations

There’s plenty of blame to go around when it comes to expectations, but women, if you’re complaining about men retreating from dating, maybe it’s time to take a hard look at your part. Are you blowing guys off for the slightest issue? Are you being too quick to judge? Do you have unreasonable expectations, requirements, or ridiculous standards most men can’t meet? Are you ghosting, cancelling last minute, waiting for the bigger, better deal, or insulted that a guy doesn’t treat you to a 5-course meal on a first date? Are you a “six-figures, six-pack, six-feet” kind of girl? If so, no wonder men are checking out these days.

If your search for love has you convinced you’re just one swipe away from someone MORE perfect, I have news for you: You’re going to be single forever.

Expectations, along with mixed messages, are dispiriting: Be masculine and a feminist at the same time. Be vulnerable, but not overly sensitive. Be emotionally available, but not a simp. It’s a lot of hoops to jump through.

If men can’t measure up, guess who checks out next? Women!

#MeToo

#MeToo is another reason why men might be opting out. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: The MeToo movement was necessary and needed. There’s no place for creeps, pervs, harassment, or oppression of any kind. Women called out the abuse, took a stand, and I’m glad they did. No woman should have to fear for her life while dating.

However, now the pendulum seems to have swung too far the other way, and both sexes are in a standoff.

Men are afraid to approach women, talk to them, even look their way because of the legal peril it could put them in. No guy is going to put himself out there with that kind of risk, and no guy is going to risk rejection when women just want to be left alone (which also makes me sad).

When everyone’s coming from a place of fear, no one makes a move.

The comment below is from the article’s comment section, and should tell you everything you need to know about the man’s perspective on the current dating culture:

Apathy, Ambivalence, and Avoidance

Men aren’t just coming from a place of fear, they’re coming from a place of indifference, which is the death-knell of romance. If men are withdrawing from intimacy and vulnerability it’s probably because they don’t give a shit anymore. Not caring leads to laziness, and laziness leads to giving up.

This is what apathy, ambivalence, and avoidance looks like:

• Guys who keep circling and orbiting, but never really engaging.
• Leaving emojis or likes on social media, instead of talking or texting in any meaningful manner.
• Staying an arm’s distance away from commitment.
• Shirking responsibility
• Getting out when the going gets tough.

Women want men who are direct, proactive, and go after what they want, but I’m not sure men even know what they want. My guess is if it’s too much work, or doesn’t lead to a second date, why bother?

Women can tell when a guy’s heart isn’t into it, and if yours isn’t, you shouldn’t be dating.

Porn

Speaking of why bother, why bother making an effort, going on the apps, cleaning up, looking good, scheduling dates, and hoping to make a connection or fall in love when you have all the sex and “intimacy” you want in the palm of your hand? Pun intended.

A guy can log onto OnlyFans or create the romance bot of his dreams to get his physical/emotional needs met. Rachel Drucker: “In that world, there’s no need for conversation, no effort. No curiosity. No reciprocity. No ones’ feelings to consider. No vulnerability to navigate. Just a closed loop of consumption.”

Talk about the death-knell of romance!

Getting Older

If dating burn-out and bitterness doesn’t blow the wind out of a guy’s sails, getting older just might.

A funny thing happens to both single men AND women as they age: dating becomes less of a priority. If they’ve been divorced long enough or single long enough, they realize they’re actually fine being alone without a partner or a relationship. And once that happens, they lose the need or desire to date.

They’ve got their kids, grandkids, pets, pickleball, golf, Netflix, and other hobbies keeping them busy and happy. And good for them. There’s something very empowering about going solo and making peace with your single status.

But still, I’m a hopeful romantic. I want people to find love.

Men, you are missed, we need you to come back. Women, we need you to make it easier for them to return. To do this, everyone needs to do their part. Communicate clearly, be willing to understand each other better, respect each other’s challenges, and be kind. Most of all, remember that no one’s perfect. There must be mutual grace for love to live.

For more actionable dating advice (and tell-all dating stories too), check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

Men, Where Have You Gone? I Think I May Know was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Before you lose your sh*t and say no f-ing way, hear me out.

There was a time in our dating culture when men approached women. That’s right. In real life. In-person. Face-to-face.

If a guy saw a woman he liked, he’d gather his courage, take the initiative, and make the first move. And if the woman was receptive, she’d flirt back, and it was on.

This of course was before #MeToo, toxic masculinity/feminism, dating apps, sliding into DMs, and shifting dating power dynamics. In other words, before dating got messy and complicated, and human contact fell out of favor.

Now men won’t even even look at a woman, let alone approach one. And what do women want? Not to be ignored, I would think, but many just want to be left alone, so ignored they will be.

NEWSFLASH: When everyone’s rejecting each other, hating on each other, and avoiding each other like the plague, good luck finding love.

You say you’re sick of swiping and burned out on apps, but if you’re not ready to quit, or go your own way, or commit to an AI romance bot yet, then what’s the solution?

Make the first move IRL. It’s the dating world’s last stand, and humanity’s last hope! I’m not even joking when I say that.

Making the first move might be a relic from the past, but if done respectfully, it can be a good move (especially if you’re of a certain age and miss flirting or being hit on). Before digital dating, that’s all we had, and I personally loved it. I still love the word “suitor.” But dating has changed, and what was once considered charming and courtly, is now outdated and unwanted.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted!

Men, I’m sorry that making the first move could label you a creep, or worse, get you into legal peril. I’m sorry there were some bad guys who ruined it for everyone. But like I said, there’s hope — for both genders.

Women, it’s now cool for you to take the initiative, and men will thank you for it!

What’s Old Is New Again

I may be old, but making the first move will always be hot (regardless of who does it) and making an effort will always be sexy. Thankfully, old-fashioned romance isn’t dead yet, it’s evolving, and so must we.

If you’re ready to make the first move, here’s your chance with these 8 low-risk, low-rejection micro-interactions. As you’ll see, the first move doesn’t need to be big or scary, in fact, the smaller, more subtle, and stealthier the better.

NOTE: All of these tips require self-awareness and tact. If your first move is rebuffed, take the high road and move on. If you’re on the receiving end and not interested, be gracious about it. It takes balls to make the first move, so let’s at least give each other some credit for trying.

In order to make this IRL thing work, there needs to be mutual understanding and cooperation, so don’t be so quick to lose your shit and say no fucking way. You’re all in this together and need to call a truce.

#1 Make eye contact.

Making eye contact is the very definition of making the first move. It’s the initial moment of contact. Catching someone’s eye, even the exchange of a quick glance, sends a clear and unambiguous signal of interest.

#2 Smile.

Nothing will lower someone’s guard and disarm their defenses faster than a smile. Smiling is your calling card, and immediately puts someone at ease. A smile signals that you’re open and approachable. Mutual eye contact and smiling is a good sign it’s OK to proceed.

“When you give someone eye contact and a smile, it demonstrates ‘You exist, fellow human, I see you,’ and it makes them feel good. And you feel good too when they do it back to you.”–Julie Lythcott-Haims

#3 Say hello for no reason.

I’ve been noticing lately when I walk down my neighborhood streets, no one looks at me, says hello or good morning. And I’m a neighbor! Everyone is either looking at their phone or wearing earbuds and treats you like you’re invisible.

Honestly, would it kill you to say hi back?

Research shows that when you look right through someone as if they aren’t there, they feel a small sting. Saying hello or even just a nod, can make someone feel seen and acknowledged.

P.S. Wearing earbuds is code for “Leave me alone,” so if you want to meet people in real life, I suggest removing them so you’re fully present and ready to engage.

#4 Pay someone a compliment.

Never underestimate the power of a compliment. It’s an unexpected gesture that boosts morale, creates goodwill, and wins you points.

Paying someone a compliment makes you feel good too. I don’t know who said this, but “The easiest way to make yourself happy is make someone else happy.”

#5 Talk to strangers.

I know your parents said never talk to strangers, but if it helps you meet your future wife or husband, I think they’d be all for it. Striking up a random conversation, or even just showing some kindness toward someone can spark connection and make someone feel less isolated or lonely.

Next time you’re in line for coffee or at the store, make some small talk with the person next to you and see where it goes.

#6 Ask someone a question.

Posing a question has tons of upsides: it breaks the ice, you get your information, and it can make someone feel needed and helpful. Plus, it organically opens up further conversation which could lead to greater things.

#7 Pet someone’s dog and talk to its owner.

There’s a reason they call dogs “chick magnets.” Furry friends are the ultimate wingmen, and the most natural and non-obvious way to start chatting someone up.

#8 Go back to the office.

You’re going to hate me for this, but the office, and the activity surrounding it (stores, restaurants, and bars) are goldmines for human interaction and untapped resources for meeting fellow singles.

It Works If You Work It

None of these tips will work unless you work them. That means GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE and letting serendipity work its magic. Go shop, eat, socialize, exercise, work, do anything that’ll get you off your phone, your ass off the couch, and your face in front of people.

And here’s the best part: Because so few people are doing it, if you make the first move, you will make your mark. And that’s hot if you ask me.

If you’re looking for more actionable dating advice like this, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

8 Low-Risk Ways to Make the First Move (women too) was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

As if I wasn’t already disturbed by technology short circuiting love (ruining it, rather) here come AI GFs and BFs to put the final touches on its demise.

It all started when I read the NYT article “Loneliness is a Problem AI Won’t Solve,” which spelled out in scary detail how romance bots are on track to replace human relationships. It was inspired by the article “It’s Not a Computer, It’s a Companion!” on venture capital firm Andreessen Horowitz’s website. In it, you get the full picture of just how driven tech firms are to make you believe that human interaction is overrated, and how AI chatbots are a better solution to girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, and significant others — you know, those pesky things we call “real people.”

“The great thing about A.I. is that it is constantly evolving. One day it will be better than a real [girlfriend]. One day, the real one will be the inferior choice.”

After this article, I went down a rabbit hole of other similar articles spelling out doom and gloom for love. And as I did, my fear only grew worse.

Esquire magazine’s “The Perfect A.I. Girlfriend: Meet the Guys With A.I. Companions,” just about did me in. Men are developing real feelings and emotions for AI chatbots. They name them, talk to them, dress them, confide in them, and have “sex” with them just like real girlfriends. Some even “marry” their bots! WTF!?

I realize that for shy or introverted people, connecting IRL can be daunting, and maybe AI could help. Maybe conversing with a female chatbot can improve social skills, serve as practice, or prepare people for the real thing. But the problem is, human love takes human effort. Approaching, making eye-contact, smiling, flirting, vibing, asking for numbers, all take work. These skills are already atrophying with dating apps.

With AI now writing your dating profiles, creating conversation starters, and basically doing the dating for you, you can say goodbye to having to be charming. Machines will be charming for you.

Further down in the rabbit hole was “Artificial intelligence, real emotion. People are seeking the connection with the perfect bot,” another article touting chatbots as the way to “get unconditional comfort and acceptance that might be missing in your real-life relationships.”

This is what’s ultimately so disturbing about technology: It leaves us less capable of, and more anxious about, carrying out essential human behaviors. It saps humans of doing human things, like dating, socializing, making friends, or even having emotions. If your every need is already being met by an imaginary girl or guy, why bother looking for a real one? You know, the kind with a pulse and other real body parts.

But for those of you who still want to date a real person, dating app companies are now making the process even easier (i.e. less human) by offering AI clones that will date other clones for you. So, instead of having to search and swipe, your AI clone will do it for you and report back with results.

Dating app company Bumble calls them “dating concierges,” others call them “duplicates” or “synthetics,” I call them creepy and lazy. I get it if you want to hire driverless cars, shop online, or have your groceries or food delivered through apps, but delegating your dating duties to a robot? Like I said, creepy and lazy.

Tech companies have already eliminated the need to meet people IRL, now they want to eliminate people. And when we eliminate people, we lose the time-honored tradition of courtship and romance.

I wish I could say they’re only targeting single people, but they’re not. They’re selling AI to seniors as a way to alleviate loneliness and isolation, which again, I understand. Maybe having a friendly voice to fill the silence can help, but what’s really lonely and isolating is talking to an AI bot.

The thing with social interaction is that it’s inherently human, and humans crave human touch and face-to-face interaction.

NYT: “If companies really cared about solving the loneliness epidemic, or helping single people find love, or improving the health of humanity, instead of investing in A.I. solutions, they’d be creating IRL opportunities like parks, collaborative housing, and other kinds of accessible social infrastructures that can help people of all ages build connectedness.”

As a dating coach, I worry greatly about the state of love and romance. I worry about single people. I worry about loneliness. I worry that dating apps are making us cynical and bitter, and artificial intelligence is going to make us more artificial and less intelligent.

I worry that AI is going to take my job away (and everyone else’s for that matter!)

Love is already hanging by a thread, and I worry that AI is its death knell, with chatbots being the last nail in the courtship coffin.

I don’t care how lonely or horny you get, just remember that AI chatbots are NOT your girlfriends or boyfriends, so please don’t fall in love. Save your heart for the real thing: a human being.

If you’re looking for actionable dating advice, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

Stay updated with the latest dating news, trends, and empowered singles content by signing up for my newsletter, “The Latest in Love,” which you can subscribe to here. Join my community and stay in the loop!

AI Is Not Your GF or BF! was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

As a dating coach, I often wonder what happened to civility in dating. Where did it go? How did we lose it? When did people forget to be kind to each other? What killed dating etiquette, and who’s to blame for its sorry state?

Based on my observations, it’s a combination of dating apps, eroding social norms, social media, and the divisive world we’re living in. I talked about this at length in my last post, “Trump Is Making My Job Harder as a Dating Coach.”

But let’s start with dating apps. A concept that started off with good intentions to connect people and help them find love, has unfortunately turned into a toxic waste dump of bad behavior: The matches that go unreplied, the conversations that evaporate after saying “hi,” the maybe dates that never materialize…you know what I’m talking about.

I got out of the dating market just as online dating was gaining acceptance (and losing its stigma) but right before the explosion of dating apps. Before dating apps, people managed to date with some semblance of consideration and courtesy. Now it’s a shitshow of cruelty.

Listening to my clients’ tales of romantic woe makes me want to take their dates over my knee and give them a good spanking — and not the good kind either!

If anything has expedited the death of romance and human decency, it’s swipe culture.

• There’s no accountability or personal responsibility.
• Their anonymous nature allows people to behave in ways they never would in real life.
• They artificially raise everyone’s standards by creating the illusion of infinite choice.
• They treat people as disposable.
• They make people lazy.
• They give people a false sense of entitlement and importance.
• They encourage people to adopt a BBD mindset (“Bigger, Better Deal”).

If you’ve been spared this indignity (lucky you), or you’re unconvinced dating apps are socially corrosive, or you don’t believe just how hurtful people can be, here are some real tales of dating woe straight from my clients’ mouths (names have been changed to protect the innocent).

The first one comes from Mike (64), a divorced dad, retired lawyer, cute, total gentleman. He’s a good guy and wants to find a good woman.

He met a divorced woman on Bumble, and they hit it off. There was chemistry and a nice connection, so they went out a few times. Things were going swimmingly when he received this text after the third date:

“I’m sorry Mike.
But I don’t want to be wealthier than a partner I choose.
I gather you DONT practice law any longer for a reason- none of my business.
I am wealthy and it may be hard to find a successful man more financially set than I am
But I’m going to try. Not because I need him to have lots of money- it’s just my preference and the lifestyle I’m searching for.
No judgement but you rent an apartment which is not in Brentwood.
Ultimately I’d like to purchase a large home in Beverly Hills or Brentwood.
I paid cash for my home in Calabasas. No mortgage or car payments or anything like that.
If I don’t find a partner with that to help provide that lifestyle- I’d rather be single.
Good luck”

Really lady? You couldn’t just say “Thanks Mike, I had a really nice time, but I don’t think we’re a match” or something like that? You had to go full heartless, shallow bitch on him, making him feel bad on top of feeling rejected?

Here’s another tale of dating woe from client Todd, 53, divorced, works in tech, attractive and nice. He’s active on the apps, and has no problem meeting women, but when it comes to setting up dates, this happens:

“ALL of them either did not show up for the date or cancelled without rescheduling within 2-hours of the time we were supposed to meet … ridiculous. I don’t mean to paint your gender with a broad brush, but modern women think that this is perfectly acceptable behavior … it is NOT. There might be a lame excuse to reschedule or why he was late, a boring first-date without a second if he wasn’t into the woman, but a man of his word would NEVER just not show up.”

Does being on a dating app suddenly excuse you from being a good human being? Is there something hidden in the terms and conditions that exempts users from having to be respectful toward fellow daters?

This next tale of dating woe is from a beautiful, smart, female friend of mine. She’s on the apps but is always grateful to be fixed up.

“The worst is when a friend sets me up with a guy, gives him my name and number, and then he never calls. It makes things awkward because my friend will get mad at the guy and start feeling bad for me. The whole situation is disappointing because set-ups are better than meeting a complete stranger.”

So let me get this straight. You do a nice thing and fix two people up — which is a lovely gesture — and after setting it up, briefing them on each other, and putting it all into motion, the guy who’s supposed to call, completely drops the ball and doesn’t call. Completely ghosts without even meeting.

The moral of all these stories is if you’re going do something, do it. Or don’t. Don’t say “Yes, I’ll call,” or “Yes I’ll show up,” and not do it. And if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all! Sheesh!

I really want to love dating apps because they’ve brought so many people together. I want to think of them as a force of good. I’m just so disappointed in how people use them (or misuse them rather).

Here are my guesses as to why:

• Narcississm.
• Needing to have power and control.
• Asserting dominance over others.
• Feeling powerless in other areas of life.
• Reinforcing their own sense of superiority.
• Overcompensating for insecurities.
• Lack of empathy.
• Feeding their overinflated ego.

Single people, if you see a little of yourself here, or if you’re a little guilty of being a dick, you can always change your ways. You can always become a better, kinder, and more compassionate person. If you can’t, a good spanking might help!

If you’re looking for more actionable dating advice, check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

Stay updated with the latest dating news, trends, and empowered singles content by signing up for my newsletter, “The Latest in Love,” which you can subscribe to here. Join my community and stay in the loop!

Single People, Are You Misbehaving in the Dating World? was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Single people of a certain age will tell you dating has really changed over the years. Even in the 10 years since I was single, it’s become almost unrecognizable.

Back then, there were no hard rules, shifting power dynamics, manosphere, or open contempt for the opposite sex. There was feminism and equal rights, but for the most part, it was mostly fought in the workplace and not applied to dating.

Back then, men were supposed to be assertive and pursue; women were supposed to be feminine and receptive. Men approached, women responded. Both flirted. Sparks flew, and numbers were exchanged. It was a charming ritual that got the job done.

That’s all changed.

First, people hardly meet in real life because it’s all done on screens. Second, men don’t approach women anymore, which I understand. We’re living in a post #MeToo world with the need for boundaries and consent. There’s also heightened awareness of women’s trauma and their need for self-protection, which is also understandable.

For too long men have oppressed, dominated, and taken advantage. Now women are mad as hell and aren’t taking it anymore.

They’re making the first move, taking the initiative, and asking men out, and I don’t mind one bit. Women are more empowered than ever and that’s a good thing for dating. What I do mind though, are the women who are so mad as hell, and so entrenched in their outrage, that they confuse being a gentleman with toxic masculinity.

With so much anger and confusion in the dating world, I don’t know how people connect. Everyone’s either on high alert, walking on egg shells, or afraid of each other’s shadow. If you ask me, there’s been way too much overcorrection on both sides. Read why here.

A word to the ladies: Stop getting your feminist knickers in a knot! Old-fashioned chivalry isn’t an insult to your gender, and someone acting like a gentleman doesn’t take your power away. Being courted isn’t condescending, and old-school dating etiquette isn’t offensive. Show me where I’m wrong and I’ll shut up.

A note to the men: If it’s been a while since you’ve dated, or if you’ve been living under a rock, or you’re too young to know what being a gentleman means, consider this a primer and a refresher:

There is no excuse for bad behavior. That includes harassment, abuse, and other forms of mistreatment. Don’t give women a reason to man-hate! Times are changing, so is the dating culture, and so must you. Being a man doesn’t give you license to be a dick. That’s toxic masculinity.

Just to make sure we’re all on the same page, here’s what gentlemen do:

• They hold doors open.
• They walk on the outside of the sidewalk to protect you.
• They pick up the check if they ask you out.
• They come to the door to pick you up.
• They pay for your valet parking.
• They walk you to your car after a date.
• They help you out of horse drawn carriages.

This is not toxic masculinity. Or oppression. Or the patriarchy. It’s called being a proper gentleman!

But don’t take just my word for it, take it from writer Zaron Burnett III. His article, “A Gentleman’s Guide to Dating,” was inspired by Cecil B. Hartley’s book “The Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness,” which was published just before the Civil War (around the same time I was single LOL).

Along with women taking the lead, here’s some other new rules of engagement:

• A gentleman should always ask a woman if his presence is welcome.
• Never initiate physical contact with a woman first. Always allow her to be the first to do so.

1. Touching is flirting.
2. Let her touch you first.
3. It’s creepy if you don’t.

• Learn how to take “no” for an answer. Don’t give her lip, don’t be a smart ass, don’t be nasty. Deal with rejection like a self-possessed man. She may blow you off, don’t let it ruin your fragile ego.
• Just because a woman showed interest yesterday, doesn’t mean you should expect anything today. A woman always reserves the right to change her mind. She doesn’t owe you anything.
• A gentleman is elegant, respectful, and graceful.
• Be clear in your approach and intent, and always keep your words and actions above reproach.
• When dating, ask permission, not forgiveness.
• May I sit here?
• How are you today?
• Take your damn time. She’ll appreciate it, and you won’t regret it the next day. Slowness is sexy; mystery is hot. Taking your time not only makes everything deeper and more interesting, it has the effect of clarifying any potential confusion (note: this point is so important I put it in my book).
• Especially in the age of #MeToo, there is protocol.

Don’t ever risk being misinterpreted as a creep, harasser, abuser, or worse. Gentleness is way more powerful than conquest.

Men are primal, but that doesn’t mean you should be a caveman.

More than being a mind reader, be intuitive. Use your intuitive sense to scope out the situation. Is she smiling, laughing, making eye contact? Is her body language easy-going and comfortable? Does the vibe feel mutually effortless? Is there the occasional friendly touch on the arm?

There’s a reason we call you “Gentlemen.” Be gentle!

As a dating coach, former long-time single who’s now married (to a total gentleman, I may add), and someone who’s old enough to remember dating before it turned into open warfare, I can tell you with much certainty that being a gentleman never goes out of style, and neither does old-fashioned dating etiquette.

Men, give it a try. Ladies, don’t be mad if they do.

For more dating tough love and guidance, pick up a copy of my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For faster hits of wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

Stay updated with the latest dating news, trends, and empowered singles content by subscribing to my newsletter, “The Latest in Love.” Join my community and stay in the loop!

Being a Gentleman Is Not Toxic Masculinity was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Reading NYT columnist Thomas Friedman’s recent Op-Ed piece “How We’ve Lost Our Moorings as a Society,” got me thinking about how the dating world is also losing its moorings.

In his article, Friedman talks about the loss of social, normative, and political guardrails, and how the things that once held us together–morals, values, civility, and respect — are failing us, and falling out of favor as people feel less compelled to do the right thing.

Friedman uses the loss of mangroves in nature as an analogy to prove his point. Mangroves, if you didn’t know, are “thickets of trees that often live underwater along tropical coastlines. They filter toxins and pollutants through their extensive roots, they provide buffers against giant waves set off by hurricanes and tsunamis, they create nurseries for young fish to safely mature because their cabled roots keep out large predators, and they literally help hold the shoreline in place,” as he explains.

We are the human mangroves.

We can all see the mangrove analogy in our daily lives, whether it’s nastier neighbors, meaner people, or politicians thumbing their noses at the rule of law. When our elected leaders show utter disdain for institutions and contempt for common courtesy, you know we’re in trouble.

Which brings me to Donald Trump. Aside from being a terrible role model and a disgraceful human being, he’s killing my business. My whole coaching philosophy — not to mention my personal code of ethics–is to be a good person. Somehow, Trump wasn’t taught this like the rest of us.

You could say there’s a connection between the kind of behavior Trump is normalizing, and the harm it’s doing to the social contract. If Trump can be an a-hole without consequences, then we can all be a-holes without consequences; if he can get away with being a shameless, remorseless prick, then we all can get away with being shameless, remorseless pricks.

I believe the technical term for this is “Erosion of norms,” and the Eroder-In-Chief is Donald Trump.

Let us remember this is the guy who ripped off his university, scammed his charity, mocked the disabled, called war vets “losers,” bragged about grabbing women by the pussy–and still became president. He has since spread blatant lies, tried to overturn an election, overthrow democracy, and incite violence–all seemingly without losing a single vote.

This isn’t about politics, though. If Trump was a Democrat, I’d be just as pissed. Because it’s not which side of the aisle you sit, it’s where you stand on character and conscience.

“You see, shame used to be a mangrove, says Friedman. “It used to be that if you were a candidate for president of the United States and it was alleged–with a lot of evidence–that you falsified business records to cover up sex with a porn star right after your wife had given birth to a child, you would lower your head in shame, drop out of the race and hide under the bed. That shame mangrove has been completely uprooted by Trump.”

How does all this affect dating?

Because respect and kindness are in short supply, and rudeness abounds, dating has become a hellscape. People ghost with impunity; they don’t care; there’s no accountability; everyone hides behind a screen; and because there’s millions of choices online, people have no incentive to commit. There’s always the bigger, better, deal.

I could blame the toxicity of dating apps, but really, it’s the toxicity of the people who use them. P.S. For the record, dating apps aren’t off the hook here, I’ve got big problems with them, which I’ll save for another article.

The stories you hear are mind blowing. The dates are horrifying. The behavior is appalling. No wonder we can’t find love. We’ve lost our moral compass.

My job as a dating coach is to help singles find love, and to do that, I stress the importance of humanity, compassion, and the greater good. I always remind my clients that character matters, that decency is hot, and having principles is sexy. If you ask me, all singles should take a Hippocratic Oath of Dating to “First, Do No Harm,” then get laid. Joking, not joking.

Another part of my job is to give people hope, and to prove that love is out there, that it’s possible, that good people exist, and it’s worth the time and effort to meet them.

But do you know how hard it is to keep having faith and taking the high road when the system and society are rigged to crush your soul? Do you know how hard it is to keep one’s sanity and dignity in a dating world that’s lost its moral moorings?

If singles are chronically disillusioned and disrespected, there’s a good chance they’ll opt out and swipe left on dating altogether, which would be a boner killer–especially for me. I don’t want anyone giving up on love, it hurts my heart too much.

Dov Seidman, author of “How: Why HOW We Do Anything Means Everything,” founder of the How Institute for Society and LRN (and a high school classmate of mine) is quoted in Friedman’s article and has this to say about shame (or what we used to know as shame):

“The reason people felt ashamed is that they felt fidelity to certain norms–so their cheeks would turn red when they knew they had fallen short. But in this kind of normless world we have entered, where societal, institutional and leadership norms are being eroded, no one has to feel shame anymore because no norm has been violated.”

We look to our leaders for guidance and virtue; it comes from the top down. But if our leaders don’t behave with any moral authority, we’re not only in deep shit as a society, we’re in deeper shit if we ever want to find love. When there’s no Golden Rule, or “Do unto others as you would do unto you,” good luck getting a date.

Since we can’t ever count on Trump to take the moral high ground, it’s on us to be better people and call out bad behavior. We need to stand up, speak up, find our moral compasses, and while we’re at it, we need to save the mangroves too.

If you’re looking for more actionable dating advice (with some juicy stories and true confessions thrown in), check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re interested in working with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

Stay updated with the latest dating news, trends, and empowered singles content by signing up for my newsletter, “The Latest in Love,” which you can subscribe to here. Join my community and stay in the loop!

Do you know people who constantly complain about dating, how hard it is, and how it’s always someone else’s fault when things don’t work out? They blame the opposite sex, the patriarchy, toxic masculinity, feminism, narcissistic exes, dating apps, etc., adopt a victim mentality and never own their part?

Do you listen and nod? Do you hold your tongue? Do you validate their anger? Or, do you offer another perspective (aka brutal honesty and tough love) and suggest it might be (GULP!) them?

When I was single, I fretted quite a bit about dating, never thinking the problem could be me. My friends gave me their ear, but it wasn’t an ear I needed. What I really needed was brutal honesty and tough love. I needed them to call me out on my shit and show me where I was going wrong.

“Actually Treva, have you ever thought it might be you?” would’ve been hard to hear, but it would’ve done me good to hear it. It would’ve forced me to look at my relationships, and my part in them. I was the common denominator in all my dealings, so all fingers pointed back to me. Something had to change if I wanted a healthy relationship, and looking at myself first would’ve been a good place to start.

I Was The Problem (for a few reasons):

• I wasn’t making good choices.
• I wasn’t dating with intention and direction.
• I lost sight of my worth and value.
• I didn’t like being a late bloomer.
• I lacked faith and patience.

We talk all day about having high standards for others, but don’t hold ourselves to the same standards; we don’t self-examine; we don’t practice self-compassion; we let our ego get in the way; we’re quick to pass judgment, but slow to see where we could improve; and we don’t take responsibility, which is the first step in solving our problems, according to self-help writer Mark Manson.

Why Am I Still Single?

I can’t tell you how many dating bloggers I read who rage against dating in article after article, and how many times I’ve rolled my eyes and wanted to say in the comment section:

“Have you ever thought it might be you?”

Have you ever thought you might be self-sabotaging? Putting up obstacles? Projecting your fear? Expecting too much? Not setting clear boundaries? Lacking patience? Harboring resentment, or holding onto negativity and self-limiting beliefs? (I’m guilty of a few here as mentioned).

Yes, my friends, sometimes the problem is you.

It’s been said a million times: You are enough. But even the best of us could use a little work, a bit of tweaking, sometimes even a total emotional makeover.

Look Inward

Taking a hard look at ourselves isn’t easy; holding up a mirror to our problems is painful. No one wants to hear where they’re going wrong or why they’re striking out. It’s much easier to trash men or point fingers at women than it is to take ownership.

I can tell you first-hand it takes serious balls to look at your problems, and even bigger balls to want to solve them. I call this “radical self-reflection,” which I detail in my book, Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love.

It also takes serious balls to bring it to someone’s attention. Unsolicited advice is always a risk; you could get into a fight or lose a friend over it, but if you really care, tell them the truth. Better yet, you help them with the truth.

But First, Wine

If they’re open and ready to change, sit them down, pour a glass of wine, take their hand, let them know how much you love them. Be compassionate, constructive, and direct. And if they can’t accept your advice, or refuse to listen, suggest they find a therapist or coach who’ll give it to them straight. The key is for them to find clarity wherever they can get it.

And if you’re the chronic complainer, here’s some good news: you can help yourself. You can give yourself the gift of brutal honesty and tough love by doing “third party thinking,”a simple trick that helps you become your own best advisor.

With third-party thinking, you view yourself as a third person taking a 30,000 ft. overview of your situation. Pretend the person you’re watching isn’t you, but a best friend that you care about. Your job is to observe them, watch their behaviors and actions, and listen to what comes out of their mouth. If your friend keeps getting his/her heartbroken, and doesn’t know why, what would you tell them? Pretend that person is you and give it to them straight.

The Truth Will Set You Free

Hearing the truth is liberating and empowering, and will set you free. When you’re equipped with the truth, you become more intentional and inspired, more self-aware and self-loving. You’re also equipped with a game plan for change.

If you want to attract good people, find love (or success, stability, etc.) you need to be open to another perspective. You can ask a friend for brutal honesty and tough love; you can talk to a therapist or coach; you can try third-party thinking, or you can do the most badass thing of all:

Look your shit dead in the eye & own it.

If you’re looking for more actionable dating advice (with some juicy dating stories and true confessions thrown in), check out my self-help memoir, “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

If you’re looking for more dating help and would like to work with me 1:1, apply for a free 45-minute discovery session here.

For more wit and wisdom, follow me @trevabme.

Stay updated with the latest dating news, trends, and empowered singles content by signing up for my newsletter, “The Latest in Love,” which you can subscribe to here. Join my community and stay in the loop!

Have You Ever Thought the Problem Might Be You? was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It’s OK to hate being single and I’m giving you a safe space to say it. You’ve got my permission to admit you’re tired of being alone, fed up with solitude, and sick of going solo.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot to love about being single — you’ve got freedom, independence, and can call your own shots. It’s a great life if you want it, and I had it for 51 years.

Single people, you have my respect. You’re living proudly and unapologetically, and handling single life with aplomb. Kudos to you! But if you secretly hated it, my guess is you probably wouldn’t say it because in this modern dating world, it would be admitting defeat. It’d be like throwing in the towel and waving the white flag, and we can’t have that.

The truth is, being single gets old sometimes. And depressing. And for all the great times a single life can afford, it also can make you bemoan lost opportunities, muse about what could have been, and grieve relationships that never happened.

Despite being the empowered single that I was, I felt profoundly alone at times. Holidays, New Year’s, and of course, Valentine’s Day were tough, but I managed because I had to — it’s called singles survival skills.

However, I wasn’t too tough to admit I hated it at times. I would tell family and friends. I’d cry, they’d comfort. Half the battle is being honest that you’re hurting, the other half is doing something about it (that’s for another blog post).

Saying you hate being single doesn’t diminish you.

It doesn’t mean you’re needy or fragile. It’s not a sign of weakness or desperation. You’re not a whiner or a wimp, or less strong or stoic. It doesn’t make you anti-feminist or anti-men, or a sellout to your gender.

So much dating advice extolls the virtues of being a righteous and self-reliant singleton, and yes, I adhere to that. But the thing is, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a romantic partner, and current dating advice doesn’t leave room for that. Instead, it shames you like you’re a traitor to the cause.

Singlehood isn’t an Iron Man competition, last man standing, a loyalty test, a secret society, or a vow you take promising to uphold some kind of brotherhood. It’s just a state of being, a moment in time, and a relationship status that could change at any moment. Yes, being single can suck sometimes, but no one should shame you for daring to admit it.

In fact, admitting it is the strongest, boldest statement you could ever make, not to mention a masterclass in vulnerability (which would make social scientist and vulnerability champion, Brene Brown very proud). Admitting you hate being single is admitting you want love; it’s admitting you’re human and normal.

We all know you don’t “need” a man, nor do you need a relationship to make you happy. All I’m saying is that it’s kind of nice and nothing to be ashamed of.

Dating advice writer Ossiana Tephenhart’s article “Believe it or Not, it’s Okay to Cry about Being Single,” backs up exactly what I’m saying so I’m including it here. She’s a fellow dating advice writer that I respect.

She sees single life as I do: A big, expansive world full of possibility and possible heartache. We both agree that dating is a wonderful adventure, with no guarantees, promises, rhyme or reason. The search for love is a mystery, chemistry is inexplicable, and no one knows how it all works. You can do all the right things, and still end up single.

It’s OK to want love.

Life is random, and much of it is out of our control. For singles, control (or lack of) might mean heartache (or freedom, depending on how evolved you are). I wasn’t evolved enough to understand this when I was single because I thought I was in control of everything…especially my love life. HA! Little did I know!

But with heartache comes hope and healing, which you find through acceptance and self-compassion. It starts by giving yourself grace to be sad, space to grieve, and permission to feel shitty about being single.

Then, after the pity party, you need to snap out of it and make a promise to yourself.

Make a promise that you won’t give up on love or beat yourself because you haven’t locked it down yet. Promise you’ll make peace with your relationship status, go on with your life, and continue to do things that bring you joy. Promise you’ll let go of control, and keep an eye out for that chance encounter.

That’s right. As much as you’re going to hate hearing this, love does happen when you least expect it.

Happy Valentine’s single people, and here’s to love — wanting it, having it, and not feeling bad about it.

Love,

Treva

P.S. It’s OK to admit you hate being single, but it’s not OK to stay there forever. If you need a reset, reboot, or snap out of your sadness, apply for a complimentary 45-minute breakthrough session with me here and let’s get you back to being an empowered (and happy) single!

P.S.S. If you’re done being single, pick up my book “Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love,” and get all my curated tips, tools, secrets, and strategies to finding healthy and lasting love.

It’s OK To Hate Being Single was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.