For two months

It was navy blue and sheer in texture — the kind you can see the skin through. I really wanted to buy that full-sleeve shirt and wear it to college. But it was in my cart for 2 months, not because I was broke, but because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I wore it.

So, I dressed up the way everyone around me does. Loose-fit salwar with dupatta pinned, hair plaited or in a ponytail — I love to have options sometimes. I would just do anything to get camouflaged in the crowd and not be noticed.

I was still noticed and caught people staring at me. Felt uncomfortable, the way I had a few million times before, but life goes on.

Hesitation Battle

That Navy blue shirt was still in the cart. On my mind. And then it started appearing everywhere else- pinned, reposted, saved. I had ideas about how to pair it. I had so many ideas for wearing it.

I wanted to wear trendy clothes, travel, experience things in my head, but I was never able to do it. Not to copy them, but to have my own style signatures and identity. If only my then-Pinterest boards and Tumblr reposts could talk.

Battling with hesitation, I still chose to wear all outdated and old-style outfits, and I locked my expression and self-identity in a folder.

I was going 45 in 20 years old body.

Childhood priming

I think the first thing I learnt when I gained consciousness was “what will others say?”

All my life, I was made hyper-conscious of what I was saying, what I was wearing and what I was doing. For a very long time, I believed that was the way of life.

But how can someone live like this — constantly overthinking and checking every move of your life, every word you say and everything you do?

Out of stock

The relief came with my first salary. Strangely, it arrived with a lesson. It showed me that I don't need anyone’s permission.

You give that permission to yourself. To grow. To build your identity.

Now I wear what I want. I do what I am passionate about, and I express my opinion, unflinched.

The Navy blue shirt in my cart is out of stock. But now I can see beyond it. I buy things I like and express myself in any way that make feel comfortable.

The navy blue shirt is still in my wishlist. Greyed out and never came back in stock. But now it has a story to it, which is more than most things in a wishlist can say.

But I still wonder:

Did fitting into society push me to be independent? Or did independence break me out of a society-fitting mentality?

Most people go for mainstream choices, thinking that will give them stability in life. By mainstream, I mean, you know the drill — graduate by 23. Married by 24. First child by 25. Second by 27.

Stable job. Safe choices. Comfortable life.

It was not cruel advice. It came from people who loved me.

But it was their life — photocopied and handed to me as if one size fits all human beings.

I couldn’t sign it.

Because I knew that I needed to be something. Not just live inside something someone else built. I wanted to create things. I want to be a producer.

The difference between a producer and a consumer is a question you ask yourself:

Is this life mine, or did I inherit it by default?

Producers are not just founders or inventors. They are the ones who refuse to sleepwalk through their own existence. They ask, “What are they actually here to do?”

Who accepts the discomfort of not having a blueprint because they are too busy writing one themselves.

Uncertainties are not comfortable.

A life built on someone else’s template, however stable and safe, is still someone else’s life.

I want to create and live a life that is meaningful to me. And maybe, eventually, to someone else who needed to see it was possible.

After multiple failed experimental attempts, one evening in the lab, I was frustrated.

Someone then told me, “Anyway, you are ending up in the kitchen; why struggle so much?! Quit science already.”

Not a stranger. My boss.

The message was clear: Science isn’t for you. Know your place.

I didn't quit. But I thought about it.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

I hated science class too, once. Six in the morning, pressed uniform, half asleep at a desk while someone explained why electrons move the way they do. photosynthesis. Cell division. The periodic table.

Why are we even learning this?

That question sat throughout my childhood. I was genuinely curious. But Science was forced out of me without ever being shown the beauty of it.

At the first class of the biology session during grade 11, the paradigm shifted.

The question was worth asking. Many more mushroomed.

Why does anything exist? What am I, at the fundamental level?

Atoms?

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

When an electron absorbs enough energy, it doesn’t stay where it is. It jumps from its lowest energy state to a higher one. Physicists call it the excited state.

Similarly, most people spend their lives in the ground state. Closest to the nucleus. Minimal energy. Safe.

And then something hits — a question, a person or a problem that won’t leave you alone. And then, you jump. You don’t go back to who you were before you understood it.

Science taught me that excitation isn’t comfortable. It’s unstable.

The electron is always at risk of releasing that energy and falling back. But for a moment, it was somewhere higher. That’s enough of a reason to keep going.

Electron is you.

There is always something that excites us. The electron doesn’t choose the energy. But we can.

Hence, find your energy.

I wanted to be a social worker as a kid. Works by Periyar and B.R. Ambedkar have always inspired me to reach out to people in need, be a voice and help them.

Irrespective of being opposed, I began volunteering from my undergrad. Since then, I have volunteered for at least a few hours a week.

Volunteering has taught me more about life than my education and work experience combined. The more I volunteer the more I appreciate the life provided to me.

These are the 6 things I learnt from volunteering:

1. Be content with what you have.

There was a time when I was comparing myself and the things I have with others around me. This has only made me more anxious and feel good for nothing.

Volunteering taught me to have a positive outlook. It made me focus on what I have and be happy with it. It helped me figure out a way to share these things with others. The experience made me accept life and move towards personal growth.

2. Satisfaction is giving.

Till high school, I was not physically volunteering but I was contributing financially to charity. But the satisfaction you get within when you sit with kids in shelter homes helping them learn a subject or a skill, hits you differently.

This drove me to look forward to another day of volunteering and serving more. Also, made me look forward in life to give.

3. No expectations.

We take things for granted and expect a lot from others. It is a human tendency. But a wise mind would know it is not the right thing to do. And not expecting adds more to your happiness.

Expectation disappoints.

Doing my best wholeheartedly for others and giving without expectations brought a sense of satisfaction into my life.

4. Being kind goes a long way.

Kindness is powerful.

Sadly not all you meet would be kind to you. But you can be the change you wish to see in this world. You could be someone’s hope and make them feel safe.

My volunteering experiences are a testimony to this quote.

5. Smile and touch convey like words.

I smile at people even when I don’t speak their language. It converses just like words do.

I grew up with social anxiety disorder. Making eye contact and attending social events drains me. But volunteering experiences helped to overcome these things and I have improved over the years.

6. Take care.

Slowing down and taking care of yourself should be prioritized.

Volunteering in a country where I don’t know anyone is a beautiful experience. You need to take care of yourself to take care of others.

Self-care is a selfless act.

Bonus: Listen to listen rather than to solve problems.

Almost a decade of volunteering taught me those things about life that books failed.

Volunteering is a practical approach to your understanding of life. The information is out there. The only thing is you have to choose to volunteer to receive life’s teaching.

The first thing I did after starting to volunteer was to stop complaining about things in life. I started to feel content and happy with what I had. And my willingness to share with the world became unbound. Be it love, kindness, knowledge or my time. It also, in a way, disciplines you.

Life became a lot lighter and simple. Acts and thoughts became selfless.

And getting to hear and see others’ perspectives on life opens up your mind and there is no going back.

All these experiences made me feel — Life is well-lived when lived for others. Albert Einstein felt the same “Only life lived for others is a life worthwhile.”

(I wonder what else I share in common with Einstein.)

A coin has two sides.

On the flip side, volunteering is considered the most underrated thing in our mainstream society. Because in a world where TIME is MONEY, volunteering to give our time to serve the community is not well received. It always surprises me how rarely I get questioned about my volunteering experiences over my previous jobs during job interviews.

And truth be told, I also find people volunteering with me with hidden agendas. Use these opportunities as rainbow sprinkles on a cake. To decorate their resumes and Check the boxes in school and job applications.

But those selfless ones I meet, are special. Their life journey is unique and so are their stories. Such people are the hope of humanity.

So when you lose hope in life, VOLUNTEER.

Instead of belittling a woman having freckles, short hair and fine lines at such a young age and tagging her as ugly, see where she is coming from, psychologically. See the hardships she is facing in life.

Sometimes, working hard is the only option left for her in life. While this leaves very little time for herself and that too she decides to spend it with her family instead of self-care.

Instead of rejecting a girl because she doesn’t look pretty, try to see her flaws and understand the story behind those imperfections.

If you are a human, it will move you.

She is not afraid and decides to show this “ugliness” without hiding an inch in a world full of filters to make one look flawless.

Appreciate her courage.

Such species are not just there for reproduction.

They are changemakers.

If you want your daughter to listen to you without questioning you, do not educate her. Teach her to obey norms instead, but never question those norms. Teach her to not to question anything at all.

Don’t let her see the world. Or even the street that you live in, for that matter. If you do, you will make a blunder by teaching her a thing or two about life.

Let her watch fairy tales and learn to cook. The kitchen is where she belongs. As she will be told.

Tell her that one day her prince charming will come to take her away. And she will be living a happy life ever after.

Never let her dream beyond her house.

But have you ever wondered? While looking at strong women, the ones who are making a difference in society, and thought that my daughter should be like that? Women in my family should be like that?

Then, by all means, EDUCATE her. Educate them all.

“You EDUCATE a man; you educate a MAN.

You educate a WOMAN; you educate a GENERATION.”

- Brigham Young

Once you give a girl her right to education, it sets her free. It liberates her from societal pressures placed on her for being a girl. It enables her to think and question things. Question the structure in which this society is built.

Educating her makes her dangerous. She is seen as a threat. A Threat to most men and their egos.

She becomes a voice and starts going around influencing people. To those women who were longing to be heard and recognized for years. She empowers them and the next thing that happens is that they all fall like dominos. They end up lifting each other and empowering each other.

Social norms are broken, and a new era is born. Change is made. Society flourish and so is her family. Kids in her family look up to her. Want to be her and do better. She becomes an inspiration and sets new heights for future generations.

Because by nature she can nurture a fetus, and a family and if she realizes her potential, she can nurture society. Anything she touches, she nurtures.

But she needs to realize her potential. So, educate her. Set her free.

I remember when I was in middle school reading the road not taken by Robert Frost during an English class. It is a poem where the poet stands in front of two roads diverging into woods and chooses to travel the road less travelled. At the end of his journey, he sighs for not taking the other road. Hence it made all the difference.

It is one of the very few poems that stuck with me since then. I still think about it in relevance to life.

But then during the class, I was taught what the poem meant and had to replicate the same meaning for the exam—no extra fittings.

As someone who secretively grew up admiring different art forms, I think that is what’s wrong with education. Sometimes, art forms are taught to us to pass exams.

It is not sensible to teach what an art form means. It is counterproductive to its nature. It should be more of presenting it to a group of people and letting each person perceive it based on their imagination or life experience.

Creativity is then born and nurtured. Be it poetry, a painting or music.

Imagination is a sense of freedom. Mental freedom. Freedom that cannot be robbed from you. It dies with you. Like your character. Your discipline. And your memories.

You could be physically caged, but with art, the cage becomes your home. Your creative space. It gives you an identity and empowers you.

We should not be given a protocol to understand something which has a million ways to look at it. Especially there is no right or wrong way to go about it.

Such is life. There is no right or wrong way to do it.

As a product of our education system, we constantly look for protocols and assurance to live our life. Sometimes we are terrified to make decisions assuming we could go wrong and fail the exam. Called life.

How can we afford to give up our creative life to monotony? To boredom? Where everyone looks the same and does the same thing every day until death.

Creativity is a risk that turns out into an art form or a memory. It is fostered out of chaos within which lies a million possibilities to view it. To view this life. But making a possibility, the only possibility, is a life wasted.

The poet, in the end, sighs for not taking the other road. The sigh could be a sign of satisfaction to have taken a risk to travel a road that is not taken and stood away from monotony. Hence, it made a difference in his life, living one worth cherishing.

Life is an art form. Another possibility. It is all about how you perceive it and what you make out of it in the end. With what you have. There is no right or wrong way to do it.

**********************************

So, what is an art, life or any possibility with a protocol called?

I encourage you to share your thoughts on this 😊

Happy reading.

Many out there are like me who can’t go back to their hometown especially during this pandemic. And working long hours and pushing 16–18 hours a day sometimes. This is becoming a new normal in the healthcare sector.

This schedule of mine has propelled a lot of stress towards me and occasionally I can see it taking me down physically and mentally. It makes me want to quit.

But I don’t. Because I love my work.

When I’m in a state of confusion, stressed and on the verge of quitting what I do, I ask myself this question “so, where is your heart?“

The answer. It can be a person, a place, or something else. It can be something that you do and make yourself feel at home. For me, I cooking something traditional makes me feel at home. I play this instrument called Veena, which makes me feel at home. I sketch and draw which makes me relax and feel at home.

It doesn’t always have to be a place or a person. It can be anything that makes you feel content. You instantly should feel relaxed. Feel you’re in a safe place mentally and able to breathe. If observed keenly, continuing to do that thing or being around that person or that place, brings a glow in your face and you will feel healthy in a different way.

That’s where you want to be. And it should make you feel a lot better.

This is what I call a break.

A must thing to experience when we are burnt out and on the verge of quitting anything. It helps me answer some important questions in my life. Helps me introspect.

Someone somewhere said, “Learn to take a break instead of quitting.” And it is for real.

Sometimes we are brainwashed by things around us. Luxury and materialistic things. That we forget to take care of ourselves and get into the rat race or get carried away to reach for them.

We pay for it through our health and time. These two things are irreversible after a point. Hence, it’s a must to manage them before it’s too late. It is good to be ambitious but it’s a must to learn what makes you feel at home and to take a break to achieve your goals.

We should take some time for ourselves and invest in things that make us feel better. That makes us happy and live life with no regrets.

So where is your heart?

Every time if I earned a penny for reading this line when I apply for a job. I wouldn’t be needing a job in the first place.

Job search is painful while many companies are laying off their employees during a pandemic.

Graduating into a pandemic is not what I dreamt of when I started my master's studies. I had plans after graduating – travelling to Iceland with a bit of saving I had, to throw myself a graduation party, ALONE. This, while I’m applying for jobs. I found hefty of them when I was studying and the only thing that stopped me from working was my thesis research.

Nothing comes between me and my research.

As I was building my dream castle in the clouds, BAM! First lockdown and pandemic happened. Happening.

My mental health is moving with the waves of this pandemic as I started with my job hunt. It’s not easy and never was.

Anticipation that you will hear back from the companies takes a toll as the days go by. When you have handcrafted your CV and passionately wrote a cover letter for it.

Rejections hit hard and after a point you become numb. You don’t feel the prick anymore.

It is stressful to live a life of uncertainty. Yet, you need to talk yourself out of the bed in the morning and start applying to more jobs. You are emotionally drained by the end of the day but you need to find some hope for tomorrow. By “hope” I mean “jobs” to apply.

New normal:

Just keep pushing yourself by working out and volunteering.

Bring the best of you in your cover letter and your CV. And most importantly FORGET about these jobs once applied. This saves a lot of energy from anticipation and helps you focus more on applying to more jobs.