Stories by Jered Feldman on Medium

Tre four we

Jered Feldman — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 12:54:42 GMT

comfort of Christ, calmly cover me with clarity.
sweet Spirit within, soften the scabs of my scars.
God of the now and forever, glimmer me with goodness.
please why does it seem as if sadness surrounds me everyday?
Your Joy bubbles within me and over flows,
but i always offend those who have lost or are lost.
i never mean too. i am just me.
trying to be happy, to be:
alive.
and even when death visits me,
often,
we honor the Above.
but i feel cursed from those below.
soon, SO soon, i will dance with those gone.
i shall accept their invitation.
we will spin and spin and spin flickering a cause for Light.
then, and only then, will we see.
that we, i, and they are not as alone as the gulf has felt.
graces of God, accept us, and me, the ungraceful.
Spirit and your splendor, shine the paths to serenity.
Jesus, my only Friend who justifies, do that as often as tears fall from our faces.
the empty abyss catches them.
to no where.

A.T. 2

Jered Feldman — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 21:28:36 GMT

ONE: today was a great 1st day back at work! set up and clean and eat and drink. new peeps. and good to see the regular gang: josh kyle reena jake.
TWO: i wanna get in better shape. i wanna get a new hat. i wanna suck blood. i iz jered jracula.
THREE: whether the good of my past may never repeat itself, it once was. i do not idolize the grasp of it. i dedicate it. i sacrifice it. for it is good. underneath tears shed by regret, the hollow empty fills its basin with the pouring drops. behind that shade of rain, sure is Sun and Light, yet the noise of the spray scratches my Soul. like the needle to a phonograph. the good doesn’t scratch. neither the bad. just the mute hopelessly begging to hear what love sounds like. laughter. continuing with tonight at work, there was much laughter. always has been. always will be. i really miss the laughter shared with A.T. a lot for no reason. and sometimes, that’s the best laughter. it’s difficult to laugh, right now, a midst shaky lips. “a loss is aGain. and that iz the Truth”.
FOUR: ever you are A.T.. glorious.

A.T.

Jered Feldman — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 17:32:12 GMT

so …. ….. …… the last couple days have been some what sad. growing quickly in me, a weed of negativity. and weeds grow big and silent. it … is … still sad …. as i type this. sure, the sun is out at this time of morn. few birds are trying to sing with in their shivering perch. my wonderful x notified me that her, and i consider him mine too, grandpa just passed. she and i were blessed, during the trial, of taking care of him for a little over a year. it was a sad time for we could do nothing to better his condition. and did we try. valiantly. my x and i spent last night together, remembering all the good times with him. and there is still not enough time to rehash. truth is, he is at peace. a peace that i always attempt to beckon, but i will never control or manage. peace only comes from the Above God Almighty. not me. i deny it is in me. but Peace is. i allude it. i need to stop that. she and i then had a celebratory breakfast this morning. still sadness was and still is present. a great man has entered the illustrious Kingdom and is with his bride. although church deems my and my x’s divorce as unholy and unacceptable, we never acted disrespectful to this man, this good best grandpa i’ve grown to love over the last decade. law has separated me from her and her family, but love won’t. and love will never delete any memories i have of him. they are all good. this was a good good man, now with so many more good good men and women in heaven. he is reunited with Life. this truth will help me. namaste . . . . . . . . . . and honor to you A.T.

vOv

Jered Feldman — Fri, 27 Feb 2015 21:25:00 GMT

it may be obvious that why i have angelic vultures constantly circling me is because of the many salty gigantic chips on my shoulders

? ?

Jered Feldman — Wed, 25 Feb 2015 05:49:27 GMT

2 Q’s. the two toughest questions i continue to ask myself are 1. Why am I alive? and 2. Why am I alone? these questions span decades of loneliness. never decades of depression. never decades of anger or spite or dissension but years after years, months after months, weeks after weeks, days after days, nights after nights of loneliness. many have attempted to answer the first. “you’re alive because you have a purpose”. and the answer stops there. no elaboration. no direction. no application. a purpose? well, i tell ya, my purpose is not religion. churches after churches have deafened their members from hearing testimonies of Life and Life abundantly. i was employed by the system of church and it too, including it’s pastors told me i will never be allowed to talk about what happened back on April 26, 1998. i was a so-called leader for college religious organizations, 3 of them spanning over the last 15 years, and it’s organizational leaders also said, “keep your mouth shut and only talk about what we tell you to talk about”. well, that is not why i am alive. we human beings are not alive to be mute. and i am no exception. but it is becoming more and more evident that i am alive to be alone. that helps tear myself apart from my first question. it is true i am alive. it is true i am alone. those two truths together just beg the question, (then) why am i alone? absolutely many do not try to answer that question. sad. ministry. sad. for a lonely majority of society to exclude is more popular than to include. it has always been easy to see, view, experience their reasons to exclude. 1. verification. 2. illumination. 3. justification. i will leave these words where they lay. or where others suggest, where they lie. one thing is for certain, when i die, sweetness, i will never be lonely again for i was filled with Light when i was dead and lonesome back in 1998. when i tread the midnight streets laughing with the ghosts and where They lead my soul, i sense Their presence. for some reason They keep asking me to be alone for a little longer. for my being alone, away from Life above, is my own fault for asking the Above if i can leave Their Life of Death. so, to what do i toast to? my downward spiral.

i aM todaY

Jered Feldman — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 04:21:26 GMT

today i am still.

today i am still me.

today i am still alive.

today i am still me being who my Creator made: me.

today i am still all of me.

today i have realized my value neither changed or changes me.

today i have always been whom i was created to be: me.

today i lost none of me.

today i gained the same as me.

today i equal yesterdays and tomorrows me.

today i still saw me.

today i welcomed me.

today i honored me.

today i was there for me.

today i was there with me.

today i tried to stay here in the now.

today i tried to see the new.

today i saw more of the no.

today is like every other day.

today is not me. yet

i am today.

still.

me.

alive.

CEDE

Jered Feldman — Wed, 07 Jan 2015 17:47:44 GMT

I’m not far from Home! Though I see I’m alone!

Break me apart! This shell grips then scarred.

Hidden from the sun. Surrounded by the dung. I’m crawling. Overwhelmed I am. Shivering and cold. Dying.

Awakened! and Bruised! Vision unused!

Destined to grow! and Reach the Unknown!

Aqua filling sky. Celestial and high. I’m breathing. Padded all around. Sheltered underground. I’m glowing.

Good MORNING DEATH and Good MORNING LIFE! hummm …….

Good EVENING DEATH and Good EVENING LIFE! hummm ……

Here on earth we are. Transverse to … a … Star

a NEW year full of NEW weekendz

Jered Feldman — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 01:14:05 GMT

today is the first Friday of 2015. it is definitely a new set of experiences for this New Year. but i don’t know exactly what “experience” i am looking for, or expecting, or waiting for. LOVE?? love is love. past or present. lost or found. damaged or healed. WISDOM?? gnosis will always beget gnosis. so for me, none has been lost. JOY?? the best joy comes from within, not just self satisfaction but self awareness and self esteem. i am, now, laughing at the mistakes of my old self. not ridiculing me, but showing myself that it’s ok to be soft about my hardships. “relax” “enJOY” “dance”! PEACE?? aaah, closer to the nails head i am getting. and i don’t want to drive this point. i’d rather have it automated. reliant on gravitational pull. peace is about being centered on truth, life and journey. my journey centers on truth and that truth, which is only mine, is the center of “only” my life. i have tried to invite others to come along with me on my journey but things go wrong because my destination is not the same destination for others. many others. almost all. my destination is NOT my journey. they are different from each other. one, whether the destination or the journey, is the means. the other is the ends. and they will both justify the other. they will be justified for myself. justification is FULL light! light to show the good. light to show the present. light to show the future. my journey will show itself. it hasn’t been fully revealed but the pin hole has been made. i inch closer and closer toward it. the light growing and growing. am i the one in hell? i think not. that is part of my destination? or is it part of my journey? will it be the whole? or maybe i am in a hell. there are many hells. and i’ve been through many. that has been a large part of my journey, and it seems it will continue to be. i want to believe it will not be my destination, however, i signed up for this mission before i was even born. but back to the quandary, i want this new year, this new set of new years, to sure, show me LOVE or WISDOM or JOY (and i will accept each, readily, and appreciatively)but allow me to LIVE. i still feel so dead. i have felt this way for years, almost decades. this is just another frightening Friday, never the first, but i’m gonna stand on my own, leave on my own, walk on my own, and persevere on my own. sure, i’ll still be a smiling, happy zombie but this time, i’ll be back lit by the Sun! during the week. and on weekends, i will reflect the Sun!