The Benefits of Open-Ended Play for Children With Special Needs

With No Set Rules, Children Of All Ages + Abilities Can Be Included In This Type Of Play.

By PJ Feinstein

Building blocks. Dress-up clothing. Art supplies. These are all examples of toys that encourage open-ended play — play that emphasizes the process or experience rather than the final product.

“Play is a window into a child’s heart, mind, and soul,” says Lisa Zaretsky, a lifelong early childhood educator and founder of playAGAIN. “It’s how children learn to interpret the world, experience joy, test theories, and form a self of sense.

Because open-ended play doesn’t rely on a set of instructions or the completion of a task, children of all ages and abilities can be included and feel competent. “The play is simply driven by what the children are passionate about, working on, or intrigued by,” she says.

Another benefit of open-ended play is that the materials “can be enjoyed any time, anywhere — in a living room or at a park, in a wheelchair or a high chair,” says Lisa. Open-ended materials often called “loose parts,” can be easily manipulated in countless ways and encourage creativity, imagination, flexible thinking, and problem-solving.

According to Lisa, open-ended materials provide the opportunity for role play, symbolic play, and pretend play. They also encourage children to collaborate, negotiate, and take risks, building important social-emotional skills.

In addition, open-ended play offers language-rich experiences. “There’s so much to talk about, comment on, or ask questions of when it comes to open-ended materials,” says Lisa.

However, before you start buying brand-new open-ended toys, think about what you can do with what you already have at home. “Children love familiar everyday items that are relevant to their lives and that they can use in a million different ways,” she says. “And I always want to encourage children to actively think about recycling. Ultimately, my message is that children can learn so much from so little.”

Here are a few of Lisa’s favorite repurposed objects to use in play:

• Colanders with various sized holes
• Salad spinners with clear lids
• Empty tissue, baby wipes, or shoe boxes
• Empty coffee cans
• Fly swatters
• Mini mops and brooms
• Baskets
• Wooden and metal trays, bowls, cups, and spoons
• Brushes with varying bristles
• Combs in different sizes and colors
• Cookie sheets and muffin tins
• Yarn

She also suggests collecting small loose parts that children can use when they’re old enough:

• Buttons
• Marbles
• Ping pong balls
• Keys
• Paper clips
• Corks
• Sponges
• Nuts, bolts, and screws
• Beaded, metal, and plastic chains
• Magnets
• Empty Altoid containers
• Cotton balls and swabs

While there are no rules when it comes to playing with open-ended materials, here are some ways you can help your child get the most out of their engagement with them, according to Lisa:

• Follow their lead and try not to rush, interrupt or direct.
• Focus on the process versus a product.
• Think in terms of developmental schemas your child might be working on, such as in/out, over/under, cause/effect, sorting, collecting, dumping, throwing, etc.
• Offer materials that vary in size, shape, color, texture, and weight.
• Give your child unstructured time to touch, move, and experience.
• Think of your role in terms of encouragement, not praise, and if something doesn’t feel right or isn’t working, reflect and redirect instead of correcting.

“Children afforded the time and opportunity to engage in open-ended play are architects and makers, thinkers and planners, artists and scientists,” says Lisa. She adds, “Open-ended play allows you to get to know your child — her rhythms, interests, temperament. In play such as this, there’s room to listen, watch, and connect.”

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By PJ Feinstein

Sinead Quinn-Biskup was working her way up the corporate ladder in advertising when her first son Torryn, who has Down syndrome, was born. “I struggled to juggle having a child, let alone a child with special needs, in that vocation,” she says, “so for a while, I was a full-time stay-at-home mom.”

Not that her life slowed down much. Sinead soon found herself the mother of three children under four years old, and a few years later, the family relocated from their native Australia to the San Francisco Bay Area. Amid the chaos of life, she became “burnt out,” and her doctors couldn’t figure out why she felt so sick. Interest in integrative health led Sinead on her own healing journey, during which she learned that has hypothyroidism and celiac disease.

Empowered by the positive changes she was able to make in her own life, Sinead enrolled in school to become a health and wellness coach and now works primarily with other special needs moms. “I love supporting other women and seeing their transformations, not just physically but also mentally,” she says. “If we can work on reducing or managing daily stressors, we can create the space to look after our body and then, in turn, our loved ones.”

A recent stressor for Sinead was the family’s big move last month from California to Bellevue, Washington. Once she and her husband, Sasha were able to get their three children — Torryn (10), Edith (9), and Art (7) — settled in, Sinead chatted with us about how she keeps her stress in check and how she helps other moms do the same.

When did you learn that your son has Down syndrome? What was your first reaction?

My first reaction was fear and terror. I remember saying to my friend that day, “I didn’t sign up for this!” I had never met anyone with Down Syndrome before, so I really didn’t know what it meant — except that we thought it was bad.

We discovered Torryn had Down Syndrome when he was three days old. We were very blessed that there was a nurse at the hospital who had an older son with Down Syndrome. She told us all about him and what he can do and has achieved. We began to understand that the diagnosis really wasn’t the end of the world, that our son was still going to be our little guy, and that he was still going to grow up and could live a full life. It was just that his life wasn’t going to be the life we had already — unknown to ourselves — projected. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be a full life, just a different version.

And of course, maternal instinct and love overrode the fear very quickly.

Love always wins.

What’s the most challenging thing about raising a child with special needs?

The worry that I hold deep down — and I know I am not alone here — that almost becomes a state of ‘normal’ around your child with special needs and their future. I mean, I carry a concern for my other two kids, but it’s different.

But with tools I have developed and learned over the years, and reminding myself to come back to the present, I am usually able to keep those fears and anxiety at bay. But sometimes, like when we moved, the unknowns for Torryn around available therapy or schools can be scary.

For example, I research like crazy before any of our moves to make sure we are in the right school districts and that therapy will available for Torryn. But there is a point when I have to let it go and trust that I am being led to where we will be supported, and stop questioning myself and living in fear.

What’s one thing you wish people knew about your son?

I think my biggest pet peeve with people’s perception of my son is they often identify him as Down syndrome. They do not see the individual, they see the disability.

The assumptions that are made around his personality are because of stereotypes. My son is very much his own person with his own personality. He loves, likes, and dislikes the same as everyone else. He is not Down syndrome. He is Torryn.

What are your favorite apps? What are your child’s favorites (if applicable)?

Buddhify: I love the guided meditation and use them every night

Tile: My son likes to hide our remote controls so nobody else can control the TV except him! They are all tagged so we can locate them now.

Wolf & Friends: I am using it now to build connections after our fresh move to Bellevue.

Audible: Listening to books has really become part of my life. It started because I was sick of the radio and started listening to podcasts. I often listen and also read the book.

Where is your family’s happy place?

Snuggling in bed or on the sofa watching TV together. Or the beach. No matter how cold it is, my kids will run into the waves up to their knees and freeze while splashing around.

What self-care rituals help keep you sane?

Meditation, breath work, healthy eating, sleep, movement, and alone time with Netflix.

Who are your 3 favorite moms to follow on Instagram?

First, I have way more than 3 faves… so this is super hard to pick!

YogaGirl: I love how grounded and real and yogic she is. I kinda wish I was her… I love listening to her podcasts. She is young but wise.

CelesteBarber: She makes me LAUGH OUT LOUD.

KatAbinanac: I love Kat. She is a fellow Australian and mama of a little guy with DS. She is also a social media whiz, and I love learning from her to support my business.

What TV show, book, or podcast are you currently obsessed with?

TV: “Good Girls” and “Grey’s Anatomy” (always).

Podcasts: I always go back to “YogaGirl.” She is funny and insightful, and “Ted Radio Hour” is never boring.

Books: “The Universe Has Got Your Back” by Gabby Bernstein, “Yes” by Shonda Rhimes (literally one of the best and funniest books I have read in so so so long), and “You are a Badass” by Jen Sincero (really helping me shift my funk after moving states).

What 5 words best describe you?

Optimistic

Compassionate

Determined

Funny (so I am told)

Inpatient

What advice would you give a new special needs mom?

The fear is worse than the reality. The fear you are carrying hasn’t even happened yet, so take a breath and stay in the present wherever possible.

Also, make sure you create time to look after yourself. When you look after yourself you can then care for the ones you love and build community and support so that you can stay strong emotionally and physically.

When I first start working with a mom, one of the things we go over is breath work. It takes two minutes, it’s free, you can do it anywhere, any time, and it can change your day and your life. It’s a simple tool with just four steps:

1. Exhale completely through your mouth making a whoosh sound.
2. Close your mouth and inhale quietly and slowly through your nose while counting to 4, while pulling the breath down into your abdomen to make a big Buddha belly.
3. Hold your breath for a count of seven.
4. Exhale completely out through your mouth to a count of eight.

Repeat two to three times, and do two to three sets per day.

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Tinkles Her Pants is not a website about female incontinence — well, not exactly. (It would make a great name for a blog about Kegels, don’t you think?) Instead, it’s where Stephanie Hanrahan, 34, shares the moments in her life that made her laugh so hard she, ahem, leaked a little. But she also talks about the hard things that made her cry — suffering from depression and anxiety, finding her husband unresponsive on the floor because of an undiagnosed heart condition, and learning that her children have autism.

Yes, both of Stephanie’s kids are on the spectrum.

When her daughter, Campbell, 5, was diagnosed at 3 years old, Stephanie experienced an avalanche of emotions, including deep grief. “I felt extreme loss, like the mother-daughter dream team I had conjured up in my head, was gone forever. I didn’t know a single person with autism at the time and fear consumed me,” she says. “Would she ever drive a car, live independently, connect with me?”

Two years later, her son Eli, 3, was diagnosed with autism, too. He was 2 at the time, but the writing was on the wall, according to Texas mom and former labor and delivery nurse.

“The grieving period was shorter with my son, but still very existent. These were the only two children I’d ever have, and they both had special needs. It was overwhelming and unfair, to say the least,” says Stephanie.

“But here’s the silver lining to special needs parenting: as I was helping my children find their fit in the world-their voice-they would eventually give me mine.”

When did you learn that both of your children are on the autism spectrum?

I always knew my daughter Campbell was exceptional. That’s not doting, first-time mom talk, it’s the truth. Campbell was speaking in full sentences by 12 months old. She knew all of her colors, shapes, letter sounds, and could count by ones, tens, and twenties without breaking a sweat. My mom friends liked to tease that I must spend all day drilling her with flash cards, but nope, she just had a brilliant brain. She took everything she saw and stored it.

But as she approached 2, the initial pride I felt about her intelligence turned into a pit of worry. Campbell was growing more rigid. She had really extreme reactions to simple things falling out of place, like a lost Happy Meal toy or an episode of her favorite show that accidentally got erased. They weren’t normal toddler tantrums, they were unbearable breakdowns. Screams and cries that looked like they physically pained her.

She was also fearless. She would run from me at the mall and never look back. Wander away on the playground. No person was a stranger. This may seem like a sociable sign, but as I observed all of her peers gripping onto their mothers’ shirts when afraid, it broke me. Would my daughter even know, or care, if I was gone?

Her words were always filling our home. As I said, she spoke early and often, but eventually, I realized almost everything that came out of her mouth was from a show or book. There was never any free thought. When I would say, “I love you, Campbell,” she would reply back, “I love you, Campbell.” There was a disconnect even in our love.

I brought these concerns up to my husband, friends, and her pediatrician, but no one would validate my concern. I was brushed off and told she’s just too happy, or social, or smart to have an issue. The general consensus was just to wait and see what she would become, so I did. Knowing already what would eventually be confirmed at three years old:

My daughter had autism.

Campbell was 2 when Eli was born, so I spent the entire first year of his life analyzing him while helping her. I constantly went back and forth questioning whether he was or he wasn’t-because one similarity between the two siblings is that they are both high-functioning. Every time he refused a food I speculated it was a sensory issue instead of normal pickiness, but by the age of 2, the writing was on the wall. He had little speech or desire to follow social norms, and when he began wandering off on the playground too, I just knew.

The signs and behaviors of autism can vary greatly. In what ways are your children alike, and in what ways are they different?

The biggest similarity between my children is that they share the same parents and the diagnosis of autism. That’s where their likeness ends. This has been a frustrating road to navigate because just as I found my stride in the world of autism with my daughter, my son was diagnosed and presented in a totally different way. I wish there was a one-size-fits-all for parenting on the spectrum, but we’ve had to change our methods and interventions greatly with each child.

Although both of my children are academically gifted, Campbell is more outward about it. She just turned five and reads on a fourth-grade level, completely self-taught. One day she asked to take a magazine up to her room during rest time, and over the monitor, I heard her reading every word aloud with ease. She enters social situations with ease but doesn’t know how to engage. The only friends she’s ever made at school are her teachers. In addition to her autism, she also has anxiety, which means her breakdowns are big, and often you’ll hear her fixate on checking the time or obsessively telling me the speed limit if her body is feeling “fuzzy” as she calls it. Numbers have always steadied her.

Eli could not be more different than my daughter in regards to his diagnosis and his day-to-day demeanor. He is strong and rugged. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry. Not for a boo-boo, and certainly not for a bad day. She talks a lot, he talks very little-a speech delay was one of the first signs that made my antennas alert to his autism. She likes things in order, he is destructive. Campbell can pretend to play with ease, Eli is literal-he has to be taught what toys are and what to do with them. My daughter has accompanying anxiety; my son has traits of OCD.

But thankfully, welcomingly, they both share the default of joy.

What’s been the most difficult thing about raising two children with special needs?

Selfishly, the most difficult thing is letting go of control-of trusting that my plan for my family may never come into fruition, but perhaps there’s a bigger one in place.

When I was pregnant and found out I was having a girl my mind immediately went to the world of pink, and proms, and wedding gowns-mommy-daughter moments that I thought were a birthright for birthing that gender. I dreamed we’d be best friends. We’d like the same foods and books. We’d travel together. I’d host sleepovers where I’d be the perfect Pinterest mom and her friends would never want to leave. For a son, I also had preconceived expectations: mainly sports and strength.

As soon as I heard autism, all of that went away.

But here’s the truth, none of that is promised even with neurotypical children, and none of it is taken away with autism. Our life looks different, yes. Is it a heck of a lot more challenging? Absolutely. Everything from meal time to shopping trips requires extra effort. At the end of most days, I’m completely depleted. But what gets me back up is that my children are progressing. And because of their autism, I no longer just exist in this world. I engage. I see everything. Every eye contact, every time they try new food, every attempt at a new word. The little moments have become very, very big for me, and I don’t think I would have appreciated that without their autism.

What’s one thing you wish people knew about your kids?

That autism is just one of their many stripes. That they feel everything, even if they can’t express it. They know deep love. They never forget a word, so if you’re around them, choose what you say wisely. They are children who love unconditionally. They don’t see differences in race, or religion, or sexual orientation-they just see people-especially people who are kind. It’s a gift we all should have.

What are your favorite apps? What are Campbell’s and Eli’s favorites?

My daughter loves ABC Mouse as it gears academic content toward her individual needs. My son isn’t much into media. Just give him outdoor play any day.

This sounds silly, but Instagram has become my favorite app because of the ability to search and follow hashtags like #autismmom or #specialneedspareting. I didn’t know a single person walking the same road until I delved into social media. I have found great comfort, even online, in connecting with people who can say “I get it” instead of “I can’t imagine.”

The day my daughter was diagnosed with autism, I opened a private Instagram account for just me. I used it as a private journal, as a means to write down my truth. It’s raw, and real, and often difficult to read as it shows a woman walking a really challenging road.

When I started my website, I made that same account public and left it completely unedited because I believe it’s important to give a glimpse of the gritty, not just pretty, parts of parenting. It’s saved my life to have that kind of release, and now it’s brought me an online community of women and mothers who understand. There’s no greater gift than that.

Where is your family’s happy place?

The library! My kids love to read. Also, anything outdoors. From a pool to a mud puddle, my kids are happiest when they can explore. I’ve found with autism that sometimes big excursions bring too many expectations, so often you’ll just find us loving through the little moments.

How do you find time for self-care?

Self-care is a must. It saved me during the diagnosis days and it saves me daily. I have a really supportive husband who always encourages me to go and decompress, but I think it’s important to note that self-care isn’t always manicures and Moms Nights Out. For me, it’s sleeping in on a Sunday. Trying a new coffee creamer. Watching horrible reality TV. Cleaning out a junk drawer. Self-care needs to come in small, manageable ways too, or otherwise, it’ll never get done.

Once a week I like to order in food and eat it in bed. Junk food and junk TV speak to my soul. I also decompress by writing. I still use my Instagram page as my journal and write as if no one is watching. Wandering Target alone with a Starbucks in hand is also a steadfast solution for stress.

Who are 3 of your favorite moms to follow on Instagram?

Glennon Doyle -she tells us “we can do hard things” and I believe her. Her message of grit and inclusion is inspiring.

Nora McInerny -she is a living, breathing example of what it means to overcome after tragedy (her husband died very suddenly at a young age, leaving her to raise their toddler alone). She keeps things exceptionally real and honest, and that’s the kind of woman I’ll follow into any battle.

Mary Susan McConnell-Mary Susan CHOSE to be a special needs mom, adopting a medically complex little girl from another country. She has a beautiful podcast called, The Mama Bear Podcast, where she features special needs mothers sharing the pitfalls and peaks of parenting. Her love for her own daughter and her fight to make every life matter has made me one of her biggest fans.

What 5 words best describe you?

Authentic, empathetic, bold, challenging, driven

What advice would you give a new special needs mom?

Beginnings are always scary because they’re filled with the unknown, but consider this: the diagnosis is the end of your wondering. They’ve given your child a label, and it feels frightening and unfair, but it’s also a bookend. And here’s how you reclaim your power: you remember that no one-not a psychologist, or speech therapist, or developmental pediatrician-can tell you who your child is. Sure, they have a special need, but you are the keeper of their stories and secrets. You know every haircut and cut tooth. You have the privilege of holding their history, and shaping their future. So don’t let one label define all the wonderful things your child has been and will become.

Also, feel it all. Give yourself permission to grieve. Because we can grieve and still believe. We can accept and still be angry. We are special mothers for this one special reason: we bend, we do not break.

So meet your day wherever you’re at and know that your child will progress-and so will you.

Originally published at https://www.wolfandfriends.com on June 10, 2019.