I wondered how they were! Took a magnifier and started looking closer, still walking around with their tiny little limbs. Billions of them in one container. Their movements always seemed random, but things were happening, they would walk by each other, gather, spread. Sometimes it looked like they had made decisions, but it would last only a second before they move on to something else, in smaller groups, as individuals.

They seemed intelligent, but almost every time I could keep my focus on them for long enough, my mind would fade away. The movements were no different that the movement of particles in the water, as sun passed through. It was no different than the dance of rain in air, almost exactly the same as the dance of smoke in the air.

One thing truly fascinating about them was their dedication to matter around them. For them, things were almost as alive as themselves. They would talk to them, praise them, care for them, and almost admire them as means to communicate with someone other than themselves. They would sing to them, almost musically, as if they are trying to reach someone. I liked to imagine they are reaching for me, would calm my loneliness. Afterall, there was no one else here from as far back as I remember.

There’s a distant star, radiant and vibrant, brimming with chromatic storms that weave a beauty unlike any other. Often, I envision myself standing atop a hill on this peculiar planet, looking at the abstract art it creates. Somehow, those intricate twists and the movements of particles convey a truth rarely spoken aloud. The universe is an unceasing swarm of interactions, interactions that are never what they seem. Particles, at their core, exist in forms beyond our perception.

We find ourselves ensnared in a web of human thoughts, seemingly meaningful yet filled with delusions. Yet, the relentless pursuit of more, peace, connection, and happiness persists. Ultimately, every path leads to a single answer, all states, and none are paths; they are conclusions.

One becomes them, holds them, and at that moment, they become one with the storm. None of the means we seek attain us or sustain us. Despite this knowledge, I still struggle on this path I’ve chosen. I yearn for belonging, freedom, love, care, and imperfections.

It’s challenging. Perhaps I learn, perhaps I evolve.

Packed shoulder to shoulder, I could barely move in my place of time, in front of me, there was a glass wall beginning and ending in infinity. With so many of us, only having so much little time, there was very little space to move. Yet we raced and competed with everything we had. I felt small, so did all the others.

We all hear the murmurs and whispers, the thoughts taking voice “Build a legend,” “Change the world,” “Be remembered forever.”. Each one of us wanted to be more, to escape this confinement. We looked at all time through a glass, and wanted to be as vast as what was behind the walls of the aquarium. I couldn’t accept being just a part of it, it felt demeaning, our presence empty, meaningless. If more people chanted my thoughts, even after I was dead and my space filled in the hall of time, would it make me more? Would I be closer to the infinity of what was in front of me?

It’s hard not to notice, with time, all things change and transform in front of our eyes. So many elements, moving in parallel, acting and reacting to become something entirely different. The only constant was the change, so much so that with thousands of thoughts in my mind, I could still barely follow. It only made the idea of immortality more captivating.

What if there was a way to be the same, to be more than the aquarium in front of us? Even if expand to the whole universe, land our flags and stain every moment of time, would it ever be noticeable? This is only us looking at immortality encapsulated in an aquarium.

The only constant was change, and there was so much of it, that we could never equal it. But the vividness of the dream drove us! What if it could change place with time and space, and see it looking back with the same mesmerization as once we watched, lost in our dreams.

I am lost in the complex machine that is you. My time here is being spent to understand you, here I stand empty handed. I am an alien, or only a strange existence.

I understand your yearnings for love, comfort, trust, intimacy, stability, and more. I understand your addiction for rituals to feel belonging. Yet I can’t be part of you! How can I be a subject of the existence that I see through. So I stand here isolated in more ways than one. What is so significant about the dreams you tell yourself?

There is a time, with no past, present, or future
A place, no beginning, no end
A home, there, familiar, with unknown corners
A walk by the sea, in the woods, in reach, far from everything else
A love, calm, present, new
A night, infinite, clear
I’ll go
I’ll be

We are here in a swarm of shadows rushing through, they may be moving fast but I barely feel them grinding my skin away. I was persistent with what I want even when I was a kid, and My father would always warn me about the two worlds I live in.

In my mind, we are in a white space, sound of ocean, touch of sand and warmness of a loving sun on my naked body feeling every touch of air. Everything is possible here, we can fly to mars, build our own utopia on the clouds or jump through the leaves of 1000 year old trees. I don’t need to own anything when it is always at arms reach, and we don’t need to want anything when it is there.

Is this how freedom feels?

To most, the thought is foreign and the feeling is only a story told. I can see my skin brushing away, and my arms bleeding. Maybe there won’t be much left of me by the end of the day but worms building a new world. But I can’t hold myself from wanting! Even if I’m not the one who will live these dreams, maybe you can. So I’m sometimes standing still, sometimes walking in a different direction, sometimes looking upwards.

In this rush, standing still can shatter stone into dust. Maybe I’m ignorant, maybe arrogant, maybe have my head in the clouds but there should be a different way and if there is, everyone should see it. Maybe a martyr is what’s needed, if so, I’ve already stepped on the pedastle.

Where do you hold on to when the ground is not sound enough to stand on? Live currents pass under our feet that break down sequoias in seconds, do we have a chance? Where do we look in a space that is in constant change?

I wish it was as easy as me asking you to hold my hands. I wish it was as easy as us trusting one another. But in a space where we all float, what’s the one thing that stays constant? The truth that becomes our anchor is nothing but a promise, a thought, a story. So we come back to the one thing we think we know, ourselves.

It may be fragile, it may be changing, it may be different at every moment, it is yet always the closest thing to what we can trust. But no matter what, the longing stays, the search to belong, to build a home, to be at peace.

You will remain,

Too heavy for waves,

Too dry for grass,

Unattractive to vultures,

Too hard for worms,

Nothing to be sad about,

Nothing to cry for,

You are different,

World won’t recognize you

This is a heaven we have created, and we are all criminals! It’s a beautiful world where there are no innocents, no kings and no thieves. Each of us only worse than the others, but we are all proud of who we are and the world we have created here.

What’s so different? Well, nothing except for one thing, honesty. Every day that passed by, we tricked, bribed and captured souls to keep ourselves happy. Then we hid ourselves at nights and pretended to be victims only caught in the mess created by others. We were hypocrites and monsters even at our best days.

This all went on until the day I did the worst thing I could. I killed a soul! You might think killing a soul is difficult and painful, but that’s where you’re wrong. I didn’t feel a thing as all this were happening and under my feet, he was bleeding, crying for attention, but his cries were not loud enough. Or maybe I was so focused on myself that didn’t take the chance to look at the pain I was inflicting. My eyes were open when it was too late, he had already become a walking ghost. But I was not alone! Everyone around me was doing the same…we all had killed and pretended like it never happened, just because we were so scared to look into the mirror and accept the monsters we are. This was our awakening!

What about now? We still do all those things we did before with a difference, honesty. We all know ourselves well enough to recognize when we have claws hooked onto someone else’s soul. You would be surprised to know how peaceful our crimes are now…

I have been struggling, to hold on to life and to the world as you know it. And it might be because I have always been isolated in a way, don’t get me wrong!

I am truly fascinated by the world, our way of life as humans, the power of our imagination and how we have built a reality around it. Nevertheless, I have to fight everyday to be myself, and myself is not an extra-ordinary thing. I shouldn’t need antidepressants to be calm and frauds telling me about ways of enlightenment in one form or another, no such thing exists. Everyone, should have a chance of being at peace without a bargain and this might just be my delusion.

The most beautiful thing about the universe is that despite all arguments, no rules exist. There are no right or wrongs, paths or ultimate point to reach. We are as we are, the way we are. The only thing we have is ourselves as small population of creatures we are in this universe. Then what are we trying to prove? Why should we be making or repeating the same Darwinian dynamics as the natural world in our imaginary existence and strip each other of peace and joy in life because it doesn’t fit with majority of us? Why should anyone do anything because of what society expects?

Well, there are a thousand reasons. But who cares? Guess that’s why I will insist on resisting even if stupid.

Hope! was originally published in I Used to be a Miserable F*cK on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.