“Syphilis is one of the oldest known sexually transmitted infections. Once thought to be in decline, it is now resurging at an alarming rate.” — BBC

Guess who’s back! No seriously, guess — because your doctor sure didn’t. Yeah, it’s me, syphilis!

You thought I was just some historical footnote? Something that died out like smallpox? That’s adorable! Go ahead, try getting penicillin at your pharmacy. What’s that? They’re out? Probably because there’s a nationwide shortage. The perfect timing for a comeback.

You might be thinking, who the fuck even gets syphilis these days? Well, whoever fucks is about to find out!

I’m putting on a whole goddamn show. That rash you’re dismissing as razor burn? That’s my opener. The fever you’re blaming on flu season? That’s just a surprise set drop, I like to keep the audience guessing. Five symptom-free years is the world’s longest set break. By the time you reach the finale, I’m already preparing for an encore in your nervous system that makes everything before look like soundcheck.

That’s the thing I love. You all think I just go away. You’re like ‘well, the weird bumps are gone, back to Tinder!’

The longer I stick around, the more your brain starts turning into a mosh pit. I’m the reason why Henry VIII needed six wives AND his own religion. All because nobody told him ‘hey buddy, maybe it’s not them, maybe it’s the untreated syphilis.’

I mean, I had the top spot — we’re talking tortured artists, genius writers, the whole cultural elite. Had them going blind over me.

And the travel! Oh, I was living the high life thanks to the cheeky sailors who were basically my personal Uber fleet, taking me to every port city. Nothing spreads the word like horny deckhands and an ETA of 30 days between ports.

Plus nobody tests for me anymore. They used to call me the great imitator. Now I’m just that STD your doctor forgot to check for while you’re still busy trying to spell gonorrhea correctly.

Look, part of me misses the glory days. But I gotta admit — this whole ‘nobody suspects it’s syphilis’ thing is working out pretty great. Sure, my performances have moved from the royal chambers to your $88 Amazon mattress on the floor, but turns out I’d rather be successful than famous.

So welcome to my new world tour. Standing room only. Mostly because the sores make it uncomfortable to sit.

Yuqi Hou is a humor and fiction writer based in Maryland. Her humor work has appeared in Points in Case, Slackjaw, Robot Butt, and here in The Belladonna.

More from Yuqi Hou on The Belladonna:

Sorry I Had to Ghost You, I’m Mining FartCoin

Hey It’s Me Syphilis and I’m Back on Tour was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Sorry it’s been a while, I was mining FartCoin when you rang and forgot to call you back. You’re probably wondering why I’ve been MIA since our last cake tasting appointment, and what happened to those honeymoon tickets to Thailand I promised. Well, slight change of plans, because I’m going solo.

You see, FartCoin requires my complete focus and frankly, a fiancée would be a legal liability. Don’t take it personally; it’s not you, it’s me.

From the time I maxed out our joint credit card on mining equipment last year, I realized I had one passion in life: minting new coins, giving them names like “CryptoKittyLitter,” and selling them for inflated prices to hopeful suckers. Can crypto buy happiness? Have you ever experienced the rush of seeing your net worth fluctuate by millions in the matter of minutes? It’s better than any drug or unconditional love, as I’ve already explained to our couples counselor while showing her my Coinbase portfolio during our last session.

It helps that there’s no such thing as a typical day with crypto. One day I sold an NFT of a poorly drawn penguin that pumped hard to $3 million. The next day, I sat in the bathroom and lost double that betting on MonkeyButtRocket. Buy the dip! These are the types of ups and downs that make your worrying about our wedding venue deposit seem medieval.

Whenever I encounter a difficult situation, like if I should tell my fiancée I’m indicted for orchestrating a massive fraud scheme, I ask: what would Sam Bankman-Fried, that kid behind that big crypto exchange collapse do? Then the choice is easy. I’m leaving the country and becoming a citizen of whatever nation’s Wikipedia page mentions ‘no extradition treaty’ in the first paragraph.

My greatest inspiration is Satoshi Nakamoto. Not because they invented Bitcoin but because they figured out how to make billions while never showing up to a single family holiday dinner.

Sure, there are challenges to going solo! This week, I’ve had to fire our wedding photographer, fake my own death to the catering team (those bastards don’t give up!), and transfer what’s left of our joint account into PepePoopCoin. I wanted to call you when it all crashed, but I’m pretty sure your phone is wiretapped. But then I saw a deposit from fartcoin4lyfe.eth and texted my ketamine dealer NVM we’re back on baby!!!!

Do I plan to retire any time soon? Of course! Not because I’m tired of the work, but because true crypto visionaries know when to pivot to a new identity. I have plenty of hobbies anyway — I like kitesurfing, rollerblading, and the feel of the wind running through my hair as I sail my yacht away from the police shouting at me from the dock. In international waters, there are no laws.

Remember babe, you never have to work a day if you do what you love and make a criminally high amount of crypto money. The most important thing is not to let anyone judge you for chasing your dreams. Not even the court.

I’ve got to jet now, the sirens are growing louder! It was a pleasure to hold your hands one last time. Tell your parents I’m just taking some time off to find myself. Or at least, a new identity and passport. And if anyone asks, you don’t know where I am.

P.S. — I converted our wedding registry into an NFT collection. You can still get that cordless Dyson vacuum you wanted, but it’s now a jpeg that costs 420.69 ethereum.

Yuqi Hou is a humor and fiction writer based in Maryland. Her humor work has appeared in Points in Case, Slackjaw, Robot Butt, and here in The Belladonna.

More from Yuqi Hou on The Belladonna:

Madame Bovary’s Money Diary: A Week in France on 8000 Francs in Debt

Sorry I Had to Ghost You, I’m Mining FartCoin was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Juliet Capulet
Seeking a fake poison that will make me appear dead for 42 hours. Should be convincing enough to fool my family. Willing to pay extra for fast delivery and prepared to leave a 5-star review on Google Maps. DM me for details.

Hamlet
Life coach/personal trainer wanted, specializing in dealing with dysfunctional families, ghostly visitations, and achieving the perfect revenge body. Bonus points if you can help me decide “to be or not to be.”

Lady Macbeth
Desperately seeking industrial-strength spot remover and manicurist. Must work quickly and discreetly. Price is no object.

King Lear
Hiring a reality TV show producer for “King Lear’s Love Island” in which contestants (my three daughters) prove their love for me through flattery and grand speeches. Winner gets a kingdom! Losers will be banished.

Prospero
Book your escape to Prospero’s Tempest Timeshare now! Enjoy scenic views, complimentary spirit servant, dramatic family reunions staged daily, magic shows with real sorcery, and a chance to find love at first sight. Mentioned price is not Real > please Inbox for real price!!

The Roman Senate
Offering slightly used daggers, sold as-is. No questions asked. Perfect for your next political coup, theater production, or edgy kitchen ware.

King Richard III
In search of a horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! Must come battle-ready with saddle and preferably horse armor. Not interested in your “Trojan Horse.”

Shakespeare Characters Post on Facebook Marketplace was originally published in Greener Pastures Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Hi Marly,

Following up on the demo you gave for the Earth Acquisition Platform. I spoke to my fleet captain about yesterday’s pitch, and she’s bullish on the takeover plan. Can you update the estimates on the effort required from our legion of zorgs to complete the board of world leaders’ body-snatching? Per the expansion announcement by Commander Blorg, we need growth by any means.

Thanks,

Ferb Magellan Gerkel
SVP of Inter-galaxy Growth, Expansion, and Destruction
Zorg Blorg Group
Andromeda Galaxy
E: fmg@destroyer.andromeda.zorg

Hi Ferb,

Absolutely. Please find attached the latest with an updated hive mind projection table under “Friendly Takeover Scenario.” Was there anything else you needed before moving forward with the bid on Earth’s leaders?

Regards,

Marly Zou
Inter-Galaxy Sales Specialist in
Torture Logistics Operations
Mergers & Acquisitions
B Corporation
Milky Way Galaxy
E: moz@sales.milky-way.corp

Hey Ferb,

Circling back around the planetary rings again on the bid for Project Earth. Feel free to zing me if you’ve got any questions on the Friendly Takeover Scenario pitch deck. Happy to play quarterback to get this over the Kármán line.

Best,

Marly

Hey bud,

Sorry for the static hiss of radio silence here. Sudden increases in core temperature on our primary sun caused us to lose most of our staff when our subsidiary moon disintegrated and destabilized our axial tilt. All focus is now on planetary survival. Busy times!

Commander Blorg wants more aggressive estimates. Would you mind sending me the latest again, but under “Hostile Takeover Scenario?”

fmg

Hey Ferb,

Sorry to hear that! Please see attached comparison table and our recommendation on whether to enslave the Earth population vs the option to kill half and make half into food.

Is there a good time next week for an intro to your overlord to further discuss how B Corporation can facilitate your use case of taking over Earth’s population?

Marly

Hi Ferb,

Hope you weren’t disintegrated and that’s why you’re not getting back to me!

Marly

P.S. Check out our latest webinar, Business Planning During Armageddon

Hey bud,

Sorry again for the total pit of absolute nothingness re: my reply rate. That email took lightyears to get to me while I was on vacation on Planet Norg Norg.

Do you have some time today to send me the payout if we were to split Earth’s landmasses between Zorg Blorg’s 7 race factions? The loss of our moon led to an influx in population and resulted in a race war.

Looping in Commander Blorg, our overlord, for awareness. You can sync directly in my absence.

Rgrds,

FMG

Hi Ferb,

Hope you’re well!

I tried to sync up with your overlord this light week, but his face split when a worm-cricket burst out of his left eye and stuck itself to the gelatin ceiling. Do you mind if we proceed without countersigning until we determine which one of the worm creatures is the real overlord? It was hard to tell in between all the atonal screaming as the worm-cricket pierced through your overlord’s fleshy head growth.

Please advise,

Marly

Hey bud,

It’s been a light-year! We’re picking this project up again after my fleet captain’s faction won the race war. The good news is that she loves the conversion rates to daily active mind-controlled in the original pitch deck you sent me! Can you give me a zing now to finalize the project contract? I can also be reached by Zoom.

Been totally (space) jammed and finally have some time to focus ;-)

Cheers,

fmg

Hi Ferb,

That’s great to hear! Sending you a Zoom invite now! Excited to take this off-satellite.

Marly

Hi Ferb,

It was great seeing you on Zoom! I didn’t know you had such an affinity for hydroponic gardening!

As discussed, we revised our privacy policy, made the edits you requested on the human enslavement projections, and included two more jpegs of humans as food. Executed project contract attached.

Looking forward to working with your team! Glad we got this to the finish line.

Marly

Hello,

This is an automated message. Replies will not be delivered or read.

Zorg Blorg is now owned by the worm cricket previously living inside Commander Blorg, also known as Unron Group. Ferb and their kinsblobs were exterminated during the hostile invasion. All projects Ferb oversaw in the Inter-galaxy Growth, Expansion, and Destruction division of Zorg Blorg have been terminated.

Do not attempt contact again.

Unron Group
Andromeda Galaxy
E: no-reply@unron.group

Yuqi Hou is a writer and remote product manager self-quarantining with her family in Maryland. Follow her self-promotion on Twitter.

Caroline Juang is a NY-based earth scientist and artist who is fond of space and cats. Follow her science work on Twitter and her art work on Instagram.

Please Send Me the Latest on the Earth Takeover Proposal was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I feel most alive during a brainstorming session, one where it’s all about the potential of a concept and anything is possible. I feel most alive when planning out an event, a website, a conference, a product, or whatever else strikes me as exciting. Playing around with an idea and imagining just how far I could take it is the fun part. Making the idea actually happen after the initial excitement has died down is where I struggle.

I used to think that was a problem because I was always talking about starting something but after a while I would stop because I wouldn't have time or because I simply lost interest. One day, I came across Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher, and it introduced me to the concept of scanners and an indispensable tool for scanners: the scanner daybook.

A scanner is a very special kind of thinker. Unlike those people who seem to find and be satisfied with one area of interest, you’re genetically wired to be interested in many, often unrelated things.

I realized that I didn’t need to follow through on every idea that excited me; the joy of invention was enough, and I could always start something later if I wanted. Barbara Sher uses the honeybee as an analogy for a scanner: the honeybee moves from flower to flower collecting nectar. It stays just long enough to get what it came for and the duration it stays at each flower varies. Similarly, Barbara Sher encourages scanners to stop doing an activity once it becomes unfulfilling because, at that point, the scanner has gotten what he came for and should move on.

The scanner daybook is a journal where scanners can collect all their ideas. It gives a scanner the freedom to play and invent without the pressure to produce. You could, of course, but the scanner daybook is really a place to exercise your imagination.

My scanner daybook is an unlined moleskin journal that I call my idea book. I number the pages inside, starting three pages in. The first three pages are left blank for the table of contents so that every time I write a new entry, I can add a new line to the table of contents with a short description of the idea and the page it starts on.

Each daybook entry should be given two pages and start on the left side of the page with a date and brief description of the entry.

My first entry was inspired by my experience going through sorority recruitment. The entry included a description and visuals for a mobile app that would make it easier for sororities to decide on new members.

This wasn’t an app that I ever expected to develop or suggest to anyone. It was just a great way to get idea out of my system so I could focus on the things I really need to get done.

The daybook gave me control over the amount of ideas I’m excited about at any given time. I could write down and plan out a project or initiative just as though I would act on it, but knowing it would be at my own leisure. The itching feeling to get started on something right away loses its grip on me once I start writing.

How can a daybook help you cut down on commitments?

I used to think every idea I had was a commitment I had to take on immediately. Because of this, my to-do lists usually had 10-15 projects going on at a time.

For example, my project list up until today had 12 projects on it, many of them unstarted. Every time I looked at my list, I felt a sense of panic because I would be reminded of all these great ideas of mine that were being neglected somehow.

Now, I can tuck them away in the blank pages of my daybook and remove them from my to-do list. When I can seriously start a new project, I’ll move it back.

Recording all projects that I hadn’t started yet in my daybook allowed me to cut my project list down to five items, but that was still unrealistic. I only planned to work on two projects this month, so I picked the two projects that I was most excited about and moved the rest from ‘active’ to ‘on-deck.’

Tasks

1. Start writing down the things that inspire you in an unlined journal. Next time a new idea strikes you, instead of starting it immediately, write it down and ruminate on it
2. Mark every project that you’ve already started but don’t plan to work on immediately as ‘on-deck’
3. Mark the top 2-3 projects that you’d like to work on this month as ‘active.’ The idea is to limit yourself to three items to help deal with task overload

What’s Next

1. Determine the three most important things you want to get done first thing in the morning and make these part of your morning routine
2. Get stuff done using a productivity jumpstarter
3. Track how you spend your time, including time online

Day 3: Give yourself a space to explore all your ideas was originally published in 30 Days of Change on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

As an avid list maker, I have lists of 1-year goals, impossible goals, projects that I’d like to start one day, projects that I am in the middle of, projects that never seem to end, skills that I’d like to learn, books that I want to read, etc. The lists seem endless, and I struggle with the idea that not all of the items on my lists have equal importance.

Strangely, it is easier for me to know where I want to end up than to know what I should start working on first. It also means I’m often slow to start projects because I want to do everything at once.

To solve this problem, I’m going through every list I have, cutting out items that are not essential to my personal mission statement or otherwise putting them on the back burner. I will then add responsibilities that I have for the various roles I have in my life, and prioritize those responsibilities.

Step 1: Gather and list out all your to-do lists, written goals, hopes and dreams into one giant list

For the past year and a half, I have been using an app called Wunderlist to record all my short-term and long-term tasks and goals. I also had a few to-dos scattered in journals and random sheets of paper which I gathered up and added to Wunderlist.

You could do this on a sheet of paper or with your favorite list app. I chose to compile everything on Wunderlist because I’ve been using this app for most of my to-dos. It also allows me to view all my tasks at once. Below is a screenshot of all my lists and some of the tasks that belong to them. Don’t worry, my life is just as exciting as my inbox would lead you to believe.

Step 2: Remove any tasks that do not fit with your mission statement(s) and are not an immediate responsibility of yours

If you find that a task can be completely eliminated—it doesn’t fit your mission statement and it isn’t your responsibility to do, then you can go ahead and remove it. There are obviously still tasks that won’t fit with your mission statement but should be kept because they are important and necessary in other ways (e.g. paying your bills, buying groceries, etc.).

The point of this exercise is to make sure the things you’ve chosen to commit to are worth your effort and relate to larger life goals. By looking at all your tasks in a single list, you can find patterns in the type of work you value.

I grouped all my tasks by type, but another way to group tasks is to associate them with roles. For example, any task that relates to my role as a student would go under that same category. The list of my blog posts ideas would belong to my role as an individual.

Step 3: Determine what you want to accomplish by the end of the month

Make a general outline of what you would ideally accomplish at the end of the month based on your updated list of tasks and your current commitments. Start by completing the phrase, “After 30 days, I will have…[fill in the blank].” You’ll notice that my goals are all written in the past tense because of this.

I chose to organize my goals by writing out a list of my roles and associating goals to those roles, as suggested by Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. I made sure not to be too specific about which tasks from my to-do list would be marked off at the end of the month. For example, one of my goals is to complete two projects from my Projects list, but I don’t specify which of my 15 projects I want to complete.

Individual

Read 3 books on my Books to Read list

Daughter

Called parents once a week

Creator

Completed 2 projects on my Projects list

Student

Studied statistics and probability

Tomorrow, I will go back and make my goals more specific. The difficulty for me will be deciding which of my many projects should be completed first.

Tasks

1. Write down every commitment you currently have and every initiative you’d like to embark on
2. Go through your list and eliminate any items that don’t relate to your personal mission statement
3. Make a general outline of goals you’d like to accomplish over the course of this month. You may or may not want to reference some of the items on your edited list

What’s Next

1. Determine the priority of the items in your to-do list
2. Add specific tasks and subtasks to your general outline of goals

Day 2: Make A List Of Everything You Want To Get Done was originally published in 30 Days of Change on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Most self-help focuses on how to manage your time and how to be more productive with your time. Often, these productivity hacks assume that you know your priorities and are simply having trouble getting those priorities done because you procrastinate or because you try to get too much done in one day. Less often do we step back and really examine what it is that we are trying to accomplish. Rarely do we question why the tasks we’re prioritizing are important to us and how they fit in with the bigger picture of our lives.

If you are reading this, perhaps you are like me, and want to take time to define your priorities before jumping straight to strategy. After all, a strategy is only a means to an end. If the end is something vague or undefined then it’s hard to know whether or not all those life hacks got you to where wanted to end up in the first place. Today, then, is about defining the destination.

Step 1: Define your roles

Who are you to the most important people in your life? What roles do you play and what roles would you like to play?

I currently play four roles:

• I am an individual
• I am a college student
• I am a daughter and only child
• I am a creator (i.e. a person who creates things including drawings, writings, designs, and even websites)

Defining roles is important because there are inescapable responsibilities associated with each role you play(e.g. as a student I have to be in good academic standing, so I have to complete my coursework and attend exams). Although I do not create things as a profession, I separate being a creator from being an individual because I associate different responsibilities to the two roles. It’s personal preference, and you could combine the two roles.

Step 2: Create a personal mission statement

Creating a mission statement is an essay by itself. I wrote my personal mission statement after reading 7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen Covey and this great guide by Gala Darling. Covey recommends writing a family mission statement in addition to the personal mission statement, but I opted to write a student mission statement instead.

My personal mission statement is vague because it’s written primarily to capture the essence of what I want out of life and not the specifics. It’s also vague because I don’t know the specifics of what I want out of life yet.

My vision for what I wanted to get out of college is much clearer. I actually had a hard time writing my student mission statement because it felt too stiff, and I wanted it to be more inspirational.

Work smarter, not harder to achieve academic success. Balance good grades, personal interests, clubs/activities, and recruiting season. Prioritize academics. Cultivate weak ties.

Luckily, these mission statements are meant change as you change. I plan on revisiting mine once every six months.

Tasks

1. Define the roles you play in your life
2. Write a personal mission statement for yourself and for any roles in your life that you feel are relevant

What’s Next?

1. Take an inventory of your responsibilities and categorize them
2. Prioritize your responsibilities based on your mission statement

Day 1: Start With The End In Mind was originally published in 30 Days of Change on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.