Hello, My Fabulous Friend!

I’m feeling so joyful today despite the dreary, humid weather outside my window. Things are really moving along with all the new stuff coming from LGBTQueer-ies — books, podcasts, exclusive products, and fun with our Ko-fi page.

The Fab Friends with LGBTQueer-ies Newsletter

If you haven’t grabbed the full issue of Fab Friends, you can get the most current issue here. As always we have lots of fabulosity for you!

• Are You the Last to Know Your Kid Is Transgender?: As parents, it can be hard to swallow when we find out we’re the last to know something so crucial to our kid’s identity.
• When Unconditional Love Becomes the Groundwork for an Authentic Life: What do you do when the child you have known since birth comes to you, in all their vulnerability, to tell you their truth? In my case, to tell me they are not my daughter but my son?

(The above article is from LGBTQueer-ies writer, MaryRose Denton. It was published with Well+Good magazine and also featured with 2-part follow-up interviews on their podcast. All the links to this insightful content is available in the full issue of Fab Friends here.)

Sign Up Here

If you’re already a subscriber to Fab Friends,

You already know the next issue will be sent directly to your inbox every other fabulous Friday.

If you’re new to us here, you can get every full issue of Fab Friends with LGBTQueer-ies sent right to you as well! Simply sign up here.

The full Fab Friends newsletter includes all the latest things you’ve grown to love about LGBTQueer-ies: articles on parenting LGBTQ+ youth, queer-education pieces, advocacy and allyship information, and personal essays from LGBTQ+ folx and allies.

How can I help?

Is there something you’re wondering or dying to ask about the LGBTQ+ community, allyship, advocacy, or anything else we write about here? I want to continue to be helpful to parents, families, and friends of LGBTQ+ youth.

So, go ahead, ask away! I’m here to help.

You can comment below or reply to the full Fab Friends newsletter and email me your questions, concerns, fabulous news, or queer commentary.

My goal is to be helpful to you by having as much content as possible to help parents and families support and accept their LGBTQ+ loved ones. If you have suggestions for me in order to do this, please leave a comment or send me a message.

Much love to you, my fabulous friend.

Fab Friends with LGBTQueer-ies was originally published in LGBTQueer-ies on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Recently a friend told me he found out his teenager is transgender via Facebook. He felt hurt and confused. I can imagine all the questions, doubts, fears, overwhelming concerns that floated through his mind when he read the Facebook post — or announcement in this case.

This particular friend — like so many other parents — has always felt extremely close to his child. He thought their relationship was one where anything and everything was open for discussion without judgment or ridicule.

Learning of such an important facet of his kid’s life through social media made him feel left out and somewhat unimportant to his child.

Remember, it’s all about them, not us.

The truth of the matter is that how this teenager came out to their dad has nothing to do with whether or not he’s a good parent or their relationship is fantastic or not. It has everything to do with the internal dialogue this kid has about themself. It’s much more likely that this teenager felt insecure, afraid, or worried about losing their wonderful dad and their close relationship with him.

When our feelings are hurt by those we love most, it can be difficult to remember that whatever just happened probably has little to do with us and much more to do with whatever is going on in the head and heart of our loved one.

5 Horrible Things About Parenting a Transgender Teen

As parents, it can be hard to swallow when we find out we’re the last to know something so crucial to our kid’s identity. It can sting as much (if not more) as being the last to hear your kid is getting married, is gay, won the Nobel Peace Prize — you get the idea. We love our kids and want the best for them — and we also want the front row seat to watch them grow into amazing human beings. Being the last to know some of those important, life-altering things can make us feel unimportant to the most important people in our lives.

If you happen to find yourself as one of these parents, don’t despair or let your hurt curb your support for your child. Regardless of how you found out, you now know. And your kid needs your continued love. They need to know they can still count on you to be there for them — help them, accept them, love them.

There are many reasons a child might not come out to their parents first.

Good kids with loving moms and dads might hesitate coming out to their parents because they’re worried about disappointing or embarrassing them due to the ignorance of others (friends, family, strangers, whoever). Or maybe they feel unsure on how to explain their feelings and want to test out the waters on others before telling those closest to them.

If your kid has access to the internet — and I don’t know any kid who doesn’t — the readily available statistics on transgender youth can be scary and horrifying. If they’re part of a conservative family, small town, or right-winged community they might be terrified of losing their family, becoming homeless, or without friends.

LGBTQ youth are 120% more likely to experience homelessness. — True Colors United

Fear has made many people do questionable things. If your kid is at all afraid of the outcome of them telling you they’re transgender or nonbinary, this can be a huge motivator for them to keep their mouth shut.

Alleviate your kid’s fears.

Having open and honest conversations (obviously age-appropriate) is a great way to communicate to your child that gender identity, sexuality, and gender expression can be included topics in your discussions.

Talking about these things before your child’s possible coming-out is a proactive way to alleviate some of the fears they might be harboring. If they end up being cisgender and straight, well you’ve taught them (and showed them) how to be an open-minded ally. And we all know the world could use more of those.

If you already consider yourself an accepting and supportive parent, you might be able to cement this fact into your kid’s mind by including discussions about the LGBTQ+ community as it pertains to others — the country, the world, the guy down the road. Keeping the lines of communication open to your teenager, child, or young adult will help them find the courage to come out to you if that is indeed something that is part of their journey.

What Do You Say to the Trans Youth Who Just Came Out to You?

Raising kids is fun, challenging, overwhelming, and wonderful. Raising LGBTQ+ youth has additional unique aspects. It’s okay to feel frustrated, confused, sad, angry, or completely out of your depth. The important thing is to continue to be there for your kid.

If you need help with that, find your tribe, talk to a counselor or therapist, grab some more information from LGBTQueer-ies, TheTrevorProject, and True Colors United.

Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Your mental health is much more important than your pride. And your child’s overall health depends on you learning how to best support them and who they truly are.

Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.

Zada Kent is creator of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.

Are You the Last to Know Your Kid Is Transgender? was originally published in LGBTQueer-ies on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Hello, My Fabulous Friend!

So many amazing things have been happening at LGBTQueer-ies headquarters! I’m super excited to spill the T on three fabulous things to come!

But let’s start with the latest content as we carry the feeling, meaning, and sentiment of Pride throughout the rest of 2021.

The Fab Friends with LGBTQueer-ies Newsletter

If you haven’t grabbed the full issue of Fab Friends, you can get the most current issue here. As always we have lots of fabulosity for you!

• Pride Is More Than Rainbows, Flags, and Fun: It’s easy to get caught up in the celebration side of Pride, but the need for protest is still relevant today. There is legislature passing and trying to pass that discriminates specifically against transgender individuals. Voting and continuing to make our voices heard against such prejudicial laws and attempts are still so important.
• The First Time My Transgender Son Used the Mens’ Bathroom: My happy little eleven-year-old boy skipped back to the bathroom and pushed open the door as if he was about to join a fun new clubhouse of friends. A few moments later a large burly man exited the bathroom. The sight of him instead of my son had my heart drop into my stomach.
• Fearless Words from Fabulous Folx features America’s favorite narrator, Morgan Freeman.

You can check out all of this in the latest full issue of Fab Friends!

Sign Up Here

If you’re already a subscriber to Fab Friends,

You already know you’ll receive the next installment in a couple of weeks.

If you’re new to us here, you can get every full issue of Fab Friends with LGBTQueer-ies sent right to your inbox as well! Simply sign up here.

The full Fab Friends newsletter includes all the latest things you’ve grown to love about LGBTQueer-ies: articles on parenting LGBTQ+ youth, queer-education pieces, advocacy and allyship information, and personal essays from LGBTQ+ folx and allies.

Did you think I’d leave you hanging on those announcements?

I’d never do that to a fabulous friend like you ;-)

Well, first…drum roll, please…

the LGBTQueer-ies podcast will release its first episode on August 6th! Subsequent episodes will be released every first fabulous Friday of each month after that. You can subscribe now on Spotify to be notified when each episode drops.

Second…

well for the other two fabulously amazing announcements you’ll need to check out the full issue of the Fab Friends with LGBTQueer-ies newsletter here.

(I know, I know. I’m a stinker.)

What would you like to learn more about?

Is there something you’d like to see in LGBTQueer-ies that you feel would be helpful to parents, families, and friends of LGBTQ+ youth? Are there questions you want answers to? As part of the LGBTQ+ community, do you have something you’d like to share?

My goal is to be helpful to you by having as many articles and resources as possible to help parents and families support and accept their LGBTQ+ loved ones. If you have suggestions for me in order to do this, please leave a comment or send me a message.

Much love to you, my fabulous friend.

Fab Friends with LGBTQueer-ies was originally published in LGBTQueer-ies on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

My child, Z, told me they wanted to be a boy when they were only eight years old. I thought it was like them telling me they wanted to be a firefighter or an astronaut. I dismissed the entire conversation as unimportant. This was the first of many mistakes I’ve made regarding my son’s transition. I still regret not taking Z’s words more seriously.

Before my child donned sideburns and a small beard I worried every single time he stepped into a public restroom with Men on its door. Even thinking he might need to use a bathroom away from home filled me with anxiety.

What if someone said something to him? What if he’s confronted by some unpleasant idiot?

My son’s safety is still never far from my thoughts.

The First Time

Z was eleven the first time he used the ‘men’s room.’ We stopped to grab lunch at a McDonald’s after a family therapy session where we decided it was time to tell the rest of our family and friends my son was transgender. So when Z asked if it was okay to use the boys’ bathroom, how could I stay supportive and say no?

My happy little boy skipped back to the bathroom and pushed open the door as if he was about to join a fun new clubhouse of friends.

The smile of encouragement on my face fought against the panic that rose inside me. I scoured the fast food joint for anyone who might be eyeing him. Then I wondered whether anyone else was already inside the bathroom.

Oh god, how am I going to know if something happens and he needs help?

I sat at our booth with cheeseburgers, fries, and drinks set out in front of me. My breath seemed to stop. Apprehension pounded inside my chest. I waited, frozen, for my child to come back to me unscathed.

A large burly man exited the bathroom. The sight of him instead of my son prompted me to stand up and quickly intercept him. With my politest tone and a forced smile shielding my concerns, I probably looked like the Cheshire cat to this man.

“Excuse me, sir. Did you happen to see my son in the bathroom?” I felt like the churning bile inside me would push my heart up my throat and out my mouth at any moment.

This giant looked at me and smiled.

“Uh, yeah. He went into the stall. Shy little guy, huh?”

My anxiety melted at my feet. “Yeah. Shy.”

A moment later my son pulled open the bathroom door and skipped toward me smiling. He collided with my leg and looked up quizzically at me and the burly bearded giant.

“I’m hungry.”

The mountain of a man next to us simply nodded and sat down to eat his own lunch while my son and I walked back to our own little booth. As I watched my growing boy shovel fries into his mouth, my mind flipped through possible scenarios regarding my child’s future, each scene escalating into something more terrifying in my mind.

“What’s wrong, Mom?” He looked at me with bright blue eyes.

“Nothing.” I took a sip of my iced tea. “I was just thinking about our session with Dr. M today.”

“I like Dr. M.”

“Me too.” I leaned in and lowered my voice. “Have you thought about how you want to tell people you’re transgender? Do you have someone, in particular, you want to tell first? Or do you just want me to tell everyone?”

“Oh, I already told someone,” he said through a mouthful of cheeseburger.

I sat there letting Z’s words wash over me. First, shock immobilized me, then the feeling of an invisible force punched me in the gut. What?

“You did? You didn’t say that when we were talking with Dr. M.” My mind was racing with possibilities of who my son could have told.

Did they understand? Did they take it seriously? If they took it seriously, why hadn’t they said anything to me about it?

“I hadn’t done it yet. I told the man from the bathroom.” My son waved enthusiastically at the burly man across the dining room. The man seemed too interested in his ketchup and fries to notice.

The entire room felt thick with fog. I sat with my hands in my lap, my fingers fidgeting and picking at my nails.

We hadn’t discussed being openly transgender in large public spaces. We only talked about family and friends. I was in over my head with all this. Transgender people were being attacked and killed for smaller ‘offenses’ than using the ‘wrong’ bathroom all over the country right now. How am I supposed to keep him safe against a whole country?

I took a slow, deep breath. Then, another.

“You told the man you’re transgender? A complete stranger?”

My son started giggling. “No. When I walked in there he was at the sink and looked at me funny. So I told him, ‘I’m a boy.’ He said, ‘okay,’ and I went to pee in the stall.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“What do you mean, pretty much?”

“Well, it looks weird in there. There’s only two stalls. But there’s three of those pee-standing-up things.”

“Hmm, that is weird.” The heavy strain of panic fell away, pooling around my sneakers under the booth’s table. I winked at my son, and he shrugged his shoulders and took another bite of cheeseburger.

Where have all the real Christians gone?

During much of 2020 amid the political climate here in the U.S., my worries only metastasized. Even though Z is older and easily passes in the gender he identifies as, my concern for his safety has not diminished. I frequently find myself pondering how best to keep him safe in a country where there are many who consider him an aversion to their opinion of what is ‘right’ and acceptable.

There have been — and still are — many so-called leaders who frequently hide behind a self-serving interpretation of the bible they use to endorse their own ignorance and discriminatory beliefs. I refuse to believe being a Christian gives a person the right to support violence and harm to another human being. That does not sound Christ-like to me at all.

Where are all the Christians I grew up with? The ones who accepted people for who they were regardless of their gender, race, or sexuality and left any judgment up to their God. I want those Christians supporting my son and the entire LGBTQ community. I want those Christians in the spotlight proudly displaying their advocacy for equality.

It seems so many of these present-day Christians defend their prejudicial actions by stating their intentions are derived from deep concerns over my transgender son’s soul. I think they’re more concerned with being perceived as ‘right’ among their fellow transphobes than whether or not Z will someday be embraced by their loving God.

They need to redirect their concern to focus on current public safety for my transgender son, his right to receive medical care for both his physical and mental health, along with his right to have the same opportunities as everyone else in this country. These are the things our legislators, leaders, and so-called Christians of today should concern themselves with.

My kid’s soul is between him and whatever belief system he chooses to follow. Like all Americans, he should be allowed his right to religious freedom.

I still have hope for the future.

It’s been over ten years ago since my son’s first experience in the men’s room, and I sometimes still wonder if the burly man with a beard understood what my son had tried to tell him. Probably not. Probably he dismissed it as just a kid sharing a kid’s perspective with whoever was closest. He most likely didn’t give it another thought. He probably has no reason to obsess over it like I seem to.

The discrimination and violence that threatens my son’s existence as well as so many others who happen to be transgender or nonbinary frighten me more than anything else that could harm my child. There is very little I can do alone to keep my son safe from harm due to his gender identity. I need more parents and empathetic people to act with me in order to encourage real change that will help trans and nonbinary folks now and into the future.

Unfortunately, many people are too ignorant, too heartless, or too scared to use their voices — and votes — to make sure everyone is treated equally.

Despite all of this, I still have hope for my son and others who identify differently than cisgender and straight.

There are allies who hold high places within this government who continue to support LGBTQ rights and equality. Just a year ago the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in support of transgender employees.

One person alone cannot defeat the inequality that exists in this country. But the allies and advocates who bravely stand with my son and his community foster my hope for all of our futures.

Sometimes I think about our lunch break at McDonald’s more than ten years ago, and imagine that bearded, burly older man understood my son came out to him as trans. Maybe he understood and simply saw how non-threatening a transgender boy who needs to pee truly is. Maybe there is more understanding in people out there than it seems. I hope so.

Gone are the days when if something didn’t affect us personally, we didn’t take up the torch. Each of us needs to understand how inequality affects us all and choose to fight for the equal treatment of each and every human on this planet.

Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.

Zada Kent is creator of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.

The First Time My Transgender Son Used the Men’s Bathroom was originally published in LGBTQueer-ies on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

A couple of weeks ago my family and I went to our first Pride celebration in more than a year due to COVID restrictions. We were all so excited about seeing so many vibrant colors, happy faces, and passionate flag-waving. These are often the first things many folks notice at Pride events. But it’s not all about rainbows, queens, and fabulousness.

The Importance of Pride

The first gay pride parades marked the one-year anniversary of the Stonewall Riots — the catalyst of the LGBTQ+ movement in America. Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, and San Francisco all hosted the marching of protestors from within the LGBTQ+ community. The recognition of those at Stonewall and those first Pride marches have since become yearly celebratory events throughout June every year here in the United States.

Marsha P. Johnson

It’s easy to get caught up in the celebration side of Pride, but the need for protest is still relevant today. There is legislature passing and trying to pass that discriminates specifically against transgender individuals. Voting and continuing to make our voices heard against such prejudicial laws and attempts are still so important.

And as rough as it is right now in the U.S. it is far worse in many other places around the globe. There are still countries today that prescribe stoning to death for same-sex conduct. Others use flogging as a deterrent for continued same-sex activity. There is far too much oppression, discrimination, and victimization of LGBTQ+ folks that still continues all over the world.

As allies and advocates, we are not done improving the world and making it safe to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. There is a lot of work left to do.

It’s okay to celebrate.

With all that said, I think Pride Month is also a time to connect with others in the LGBTQ+ community, a time to be visible to the world as our most fabulously authentic selves, a time to embrace who we are and feel proud of our identities, and a time to celebrate in support of family and friends.

Celebrating at Pride events and in parade marches does not take away our diligence in fighting for what is right. It’s our pep rally before the big game — every other moment that lies ahead that will require us to speak out or stand up for equality for all.

So I hope you celebrated this month with friends and family. I hope you dressed up fabulously, waved your flag of choice, and enjoyed the drag queens and kings performing fiercely on stages.

Grab 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.

Zada Kent is creator of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.

Pride Is More Than Rainbows, Flags, and Fun was originally published in LGBTQueer-ies on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Shredded chicken sandwiches were a family staple for almost every holiday party or celebration. And they were always at least a little bit different depending on which aunt made them. Even my mother and grandmother didn’t agree on one perfect recipe.

There are a million ways to make a shredded chicken sandwich, but I’m definitely partial to this one.

The key to its simplicity and easiness is having your chicken cooked ahead of time. We have a great recipe here if you want to bypass the pre-cooked rotisserie chicken from your local grocery.

Total Time: 30 minutes

Preparation Time: 18 minutes

Cooking: 12 minutes

Oven Temperature: 380' F

Ingredients:

• one 3-pound whole chicken, pre-cooked, deboned, and shredded
• sandwich buns
• 1 small onion, diced
• 1/2 pound of pepper jack cheese, cubed small
• 1 cup Hellman’s mayonnaise
• salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 380'F.
2. In a large mixing bowl, combine chicken, onion, cheese, mayonnaise, salt, and pepper. Mix together well.
3. Fill sandwich buns with the mixture.
4. Wrap each individual sandwich in aluminum foil and place them all on a cookie sheet.
5. Bake for 12 minutes.

Not everyone in my family loves pepper jack cheese as much as I do, so often I’ll substitute cheddar for half of what I make. Toasted sourdough bread can be a tasty substitution for regular sandwich buns too.

Really, the sky’s the limit with this one. Some of my kids like pickles on their chicken melts after they cook, while my husband likes me to add bbq sauce before his goes into the oven.

But the above is my favorite — because it’s delicious and it’s so darn easy to throw together on those busy days because the main ingredient is cooked ahead of time.

Roasted Chicken

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