after hearing the top 5, i didnt felt a thing. i dont know what that kind of reaction was. i just went… silent. not beacuse im dissapointed, nor sad. truth is, i really didnt felt a single emotion after hearing the names. i became numb. numb to the point that everything in my vision turns to be blurry right after those.

i love writing. i loved writing.

for a second, my body starved, and i wanted to get out there as soon as possible. but i couldnt. weve been in the hall from 7 am and its almost 2 pm already and we havent ate even one bit. (except for that pansit we bought from the store that horribly tastes like hell. PS: i didnt ate much of it. in fact, WE didnt ate much of it. even the dogs creeped out and didnt dare to eat it even after sniffing the aroma of that bland pansit.)

it was all clear. i didnt know what went wrong. ive followed the teachings of other winners from last last year, i practiced and practiced and practiced. i even bragged to my fam that i am confidently beautiful with a heart LOL! i told them that im proud of my write-up and how it is perfectly crafted.

i kept praying God to guide us in our journey and may His will be done. now, i guess, that is the will of God. that i am on to something else. it taught me that even if youve got the most perfect vision board in your mind, you cannot control what you cannot control. and somehow, i lean my trust more into Him and just let life do what its got to do and go with the flow. must not go against the current, for it will drown you until you no longer feel anything and just DIE.

excitement. numbness. lesson.

live, laugh, love DSPC. live, laugh, hate DSPC. live, laugh, love life ;)

Enough with my chitchat, how does El’s story even connect on how a star was born?

Massive clouds of dust and gas in space were constantly pressured in order for a nebula to be born; Eleven was born with powers that came from the “pressure” from her mother’s drugged belly and slowly ingesting the substance before she even took her first breath in the face of the Earth. She was kept in the Lab for years together with other babies for them to be “trained to be powerful” and also to be used for evil. Still innocent and incapable to sense the danger that’s after them. A clap from them for a success, torture for failure—a cycle that leaves El and other kids to have a cut that always bleeds, a feeling of just being used as pawns, and a longing for what the word “love” means. Fast-forward to the exciting part, she and the other lab rats sought for a leap of faith and successfully found their way to escape. A series of Tom-and-Jerry-chasing thing endlessly occurred in Hawkins. The extraordinary blood that will continue the fire of the experiment was in the veins of the prisoners that once escaped. After lots of time of studying what El and the other’s weaknesses are, it has finally found its match. A radio wave thing that messes with their mind, completely shutting down their ability to use their powers even for self-defense.

Years and years and years, until… The other lab rats were then caught by the same hand that marked them a never ending curse that will forever haunt them in the silhouettes of their punctured minds. Gladly, El crossed ways with them even before the scientists got the rest of them. The deadly hand gained nothing but disappointment from his trapped mice. The pure mixture of the blessing-and-a-curse blood was neither found in them, despite them being the same subjects back then too. With pure anger and despair, death whispered in the scientist’s prefrontal cortex, completely hijacking the amygdala. An army was called, just like the circling squad before the death of Rizal. One word from the super, trigger pulled, heads shot. One solution arised—the last one must have the pure blood. “It surely has to be El”, they said.

El found a family in her journey that accepts her and gave her shelter; Friends at school that laughs with her until their lungs burst out—at last, a family she once longed for, a sense of loving that she used to dream of, was drawing its reality in front of her eyes. She freely feels the soft breeze in the air, slowly touching her skin as she took a sip of her milk in her cup outside her adoptive family’s house. As free as the birds are, as careless as the wind.

Another complete opposite dimension of Hawkins was then created by the scientists, and they call it the ‘Upside Down’. This is now where they kept their lab, away from the real world. The gate from the real world and the Upside Down is being highly guarded by an army. This is due to the fact that the government and the scientists were somehow allies and doesn’t want the community to know it exists. Partners in crime at its finest. Monsters called Demogorgon were created here and put to Hawkins (the real world) to spread evilness and kidnap innocent kids for another experiments and somehow be a bait for Eleven to come to them. Those demo are able to move across through dimensions.

The scientists used the radio wave thing in order for El to be useless and vulnerable for her powers. The sibling of one of El’s friend was one of the kids that got kidnapped by the Demogorgon. The family and friends was put on high alert in searching their lost sister. Thanks to Eleven’s use of powers, she and the club passed through the gate and came in hunting in the Upside Down in hopes that they’ll find Holly there, knowing what they’re fighting for. Her friends took care of the radio wave thing and helped her with the rest. She twisted necks, hands, and put a gun against a soldier’s head using only her mind (psychokinetic powers)—a violent protostar that no one can touch. The kind that shines bright like a diamond in the midst of darkness around her.

Moving forward, Eleven saves the day, light finally comes in sight—no more Upside Down ‘cause they already detonated the place. She’s already made plans with their friends and family that once all of those are over, they’ll move to another place far away from the cursed place in Hawkins. However, she still realizes that even after she killed those scientists by her ability, there will always another generation of scientists that will emerge and come hunting for her and create a new lab—to continue the research, to clone her, and to manipulate her into doing what shouldn’t be done. A major sacrifice thought slips through her mind. Even though she’s made plans with her family, the thought echoes in her mind telling her that the curse should end. But how can it possibly end with no more worries? Death is the answer. “It should end with me”, she said. Despite the idea of having a last glance of her family, despite the hurt, she took her own life without her friends and family knowing, in order to bring peace in the storm of chaos in Hawkins. A major sacrifice that left everyone sobbing. Full of regrets, full of sorrow.

Years later, the community lived free from the idea that there’re monsters that messes with Hawkins and kills people. Eleven gave the community of Hawkins a sense of security, peace, and a light that never goes out. A hope that her family and friends will forever cherish.

Note:This is my feature write-up about how a star was born. If you’ve ever watched it, ikyk some details lack such as vecna not being in the story. I just gotta write it fast due to short notice of time. Thanks for your time reading this babes.

♡☆•°

Every night in my dreams, a group of monsters came to haunt and threaten me with a knife carved with a word that says:

“Killing you would be such a relief to this world“.

Seeing it for the first time had my hands shaking, my heart pounding irregularly, and almost bursting my eyes into rivers of tears; Regrettably questioning, is this where my life ends? Is this how I’m supposed to die? to lose my spark and just be a pure dust? As much as I wanted to shout this fear out, I just can’t.

Walking through the hallways, a scary voice whispered, “Killing you would be such a relief to this world”. That thing, again, replayed in my memory as if the fear is eating me slowly from the inside until I rot out or worst, die. Half past 9, I sat in my chair, and I do the things I usually do. Before I even write the notes showed up in the tv screen, I started hallucinating—the room were suddenly filled vandalized death threats of mine. I was attacked with familiar faces of monsters I’ve always dreamt of—completely surrounding me, holding their knives, eager to kill me. Let me tell you, I’m being tortured inside out. I’m still looking where the escape room was, and I’m too scared to think, what if there never was? I can’t help but cry, cry until the very last single tear dropped in my eye. I guess I was a loser in this battle, my spark were slowly fading away. A part of me died and I mourn it to this day.
Being completely worn out, I sought for comfort. I continuously prayed to God to give me clarity, to help me find peace in the middle of chaos, to heal what’s hurting. Praying feels like having a conversation with Him, and somehow, it eased the heavy feeling that I’m carrying. Scrolling into TikTok, a post resonated with me, it explains the idea of ‘Radical Acceptance’—it’s about giving yourself time to realize what’s happening and just accept it, it’s about embracing all the feelings including sadness and grief.
Going through the eerie noises and destructive storms in my mind, I somehow knew that it had to happen, it needed to break me into pieces, in order to find clarity and peace from within, and also seek God’s presence. Some things has to end in order to open the doors and create new exciting beginnings.
I’m much grateful to the person that I’ve become but also died, for I learned various lessons throughout my journey. Thus I’m also looking forward to who I am becoming as I turn the page, as every journey teaches us lessons and those lessons shapes us into who we are today. While new beginnings are scary, I could say that nothing’s more scarier than letting others fade your spark out.
Twinkle, twinkle little star, glad you made it this far.

♡☆•°

Right at this moment, at exactly 6:46, I woke up teary eyed. My eyes are filled with tears, and there’s this thing that I can’t seem to breathe properly because of it. Minutes before waking up, I’ve had a bad dream. It’s still vivid in my memory—how I burst out crying because I didn’t expect that thing to happen. I was being surrounded by men, scary men. It was to torture me for something. And then, I woke up. I remember crying in my dreams, thus here I am, not really knowing why did I cry in real life? It felt so real. I’m completely clearheaded by those things—crying in dreams, then waking up also filled with tears?? Like, how is it even possible? I still carry that heavy feeling in my chest that come from my dream. The torture was so intense. All of it left me wondered with so many things, I don’t even know where to start. Waking up crying because of a dream? Why? Why? Why?
♡☆•°

tick-tock... it's been ages since was she ever tied with those rusty chains of overwhelming emotions; making up bruises she always have to cover up, leaving scars that haunts to tell a story. in which there, i am unable to see her shadows in the pouring rain. perhaps, she went somewhere she will never be hurt, nor will be taunted with bone-through carved memories.

i brought my lamp to search, thus to know where she at. i passed along roads of complete dim light, roads with terrifying voices that echoes in my ears, roads with ineffable disaster blowing around good enough to block my narrow passageways. i searched still. however the emerging of catastrophes infinitely continues. too tired to go for further exploration, i sat beside the wall. catching my breath, and having a little to no hope that she's nowhere to be found. i stood up. finally, the tip of my eye saw a room that lits up in the inside, filled with complete brightness and seemingly peaceful. i opened the door, there she was, being at ease. despite the storms within her–the roads that i passed through, she had the courage and was able to find calmness in the middle of noises and destruction. now i know where to she go to whenever she dissapears, she's in her very own room 19.

As kids, we all have that beautiful flowers in gardens embedded in our minds symbolizing innocence — innocence in traumas, problems, that eventually when we grow up we’re scared it might be drought up, for we tend forget how to flourish and grow our love and peace from within, turning ourselves into someone else we never wanted to be — monsters.

I’ve come across a qoute in TikTok and it’s been stuck on me these past few days. It says

“Don’t become the person you despise” — Akiroq Brost

It has occured to me once that by doing the same, it heals this heavy heart of mine. As this anger grow, I didn’t come into my senses that I’m turning into a kind of person I never wanted to be. Putting myself into a situation in reverse where I was the one who’s hurt, I’d never wanted to be in this place, that’s why I always try unbecoming the person I hate.

Let me tell you the narration of a girl who were optimist and an empath, finding a bandage for everything, scared that she might fill her gardens of flowers into graveyard of bad energy:

I didn’t realize I opened a door that was supposed to be locked up, as a terrifying monster was dying to come visit my 10 PM thoughts.

That was when I realize that I was already drowning in the deafening thoughts in my mind that keeps on haunting me every night.

I lay on bed. Tucked my bedsheet. I scroll and scroll on my phone till my eyes burn. 10 PM ticked. A sudden trigger crept into this not so big brain girl, replaying the triggering memories that was supposed to be erased and forgotten — I saw literal lightning before I strike my eyes, the instant wound in my head both physically and mentally, and how after a few days, the witnesses have the audacity to not even bare to remember the incident.

As if I was the only one who saw myself being hit by a mercyless monster.

I jarred up my thoughts and emotions, closing the lid as tight as I could, wiped the rivers coming out, put on a smile— thinking its the best option to overcome this uncontrollable song that plays on and on . Not to do anything.

I was taught that being silent everytime a problem appears would make the situation better. As you let that person win an argument and leave it at that, without you explaining your side.

I let it slip. Yearning for something to fully act as a bandage for my broken glass — bleeding heart, to somehow at least receive some support, that even though it can’t be fixed, at least the witnesses show empathy, as nothing can ever make the glass whole ever again that the mercyless monster broke.

I lingered for empathy for a few days, flashforward into months, and that I’m scared it’ll turn into a never ending cycle as it shouldn’t be.

I pray for this cut that always bleeds to heal. As I might die of exsanguination lol.

I can’t say that I wasn’t bleeding anymore, but day by day, I’ve come to learn how to water my own gardens of flowers with love and peace it deserves. I’m proud that it didn’t become a graveyard of grudges and negative thoughts as I thought it was. It’s just that thinking of positive things do help. And that nurtures the happiness I feel that somehow radiates to my environment.

The thoughts of silence might’ve broke me, but I somehow managed to overcome it. ♡☆•°

Not knowing where it came from, a memory replayed in my mind, the real reason why I feel this energetic and joyful attitude was because I dreamt of me and my idol crush having a selfie together.

I still remember I said this in my dream, “I’ll check this snap later”. Without knowing that it was all part of a dream, when I woke up and checked my gallery… I clearly saw nothing.

I still felt that inefable pounding in my heart beacuse as far as I know, we did take a selfie together, not in this world — but in the lingering spaces of my thoughts and imagination. And that alone is enough.

Come back and visit me in my dreams again. I will patiently wait for you.

Remember, when you're in that period of your life when you feel like there's no hope, that little star in your life is just waiting to be found. And when you do find it, please learn how to appreciate life. In that way, you can master the art of enjoying little things, and also living with means.

There’re times when i reminisce about the past. I miss our heart to heart conversation. I miss our bondings.

But, how can i miss something that I haven’t even experienced yet?

Perhaps its all just a dream. Tricking myself. Telling to myself that i did experienced that.

Maybe it’s just a dream. And maybe, it will just happen in my dream.

Looking in the past, finding something to miss about, there were none in my core memories. No matter how i dug up my memories there’s no you, no heart to heart conversation, no bondings.

You changed. And i hate that. No matter what i do, there’s this hope — a kind of feeling that you’ll change for the better. But yeah, it’s okay if you won’t. Know that i will always wait for that hug. And somehow not just about the hug.

Perhaps i miss something that i just saw in movies. And maybe, just maybe, I’m not alone in longing for that unexperienced bond.