Death, divorce, illness, accidents, abuse or other events can drop us off on Trauma Boulevard…

Driving to Trauma Boulevard is usually unplanned. These shops on Trauma Boulevard were built by the “Less” family because each of them causes us to feel less. Trauma Boulevard can be shaped like a big or small T, depending on your own experience with trauma. Once you’ve found your way to Trauma Boulevard, you may shop at only one store and leave, or you may look for a forever home in the neighborhood. Hopefully, you won’t stay long.

We’re designed from childhood to blame ourselves for everything. Our adult beliefs must be examined, and our inner child feelings honored before we understand and resolve those old beliefs that no longer serve us.

Trauma Boulevard shoppers never arrive by choice, we’re driven by circumstances or old beliefs. Once there, we buy poverty purses and a new “feel useless” umbrella, along with multiple pairs of “I’m so Flawed” Goggles and Why Do I Even Bother? slip-on shoes.

Most shoppers on Trauma Boulevard begin at a shop called Ruthless.

Shop 1: Ruthless

The Ruthless shop stocks wearable technology shirts with built-in software called Trash Self-Talk. Trying on a shirt downloads the software and allows you to begin comparing yourself to others you’ve deemed as being "better," relentlessly minimizing your value and examining every flaw within yourself.

Ruthless uses shame, which allows us to pass heartless judgment and demean ourselves with negative repetitive thoughts (I’m never going to figure this out), hateful words (I’m so stupid), and harmful actions (another drink?). When we’re ruthless to ourselves, we break our own hearts.

Shop 2: Useless

Walking next door to Useless, we download an app called I Feel Like A Failure. It builds on the Ruthless software to create tears, zap energy, destroy motivation, stop morale, and create suffering.

Warning: The Useless app downloads automatically and allows you to create situations that result in suffering. This app is easily relayed to future generations through your actions.

You may also have automatic downloads for other I Feel Like A Failure apps to include poverty, abuse, addiction, rage, and complicated grief.

Shop 3: Hopeless

At Hopeless, you’ve found the electronics store from your nightmares. This electronics store offers debilitating products that cause blank stares in space and lots of hopelessness. We then consume more Hopeless products to soothe ourselves. Hopeless is set up like a mental movie theater, running constant clips of our life not working, abuses we’ve suffered, and unbeatable odds that prove we’ll never succeed. These eat away time we may have spent working on our dreams. Shopping at Hopeless is so popular that some people never leave.

Hopeless is built on the FEAR platform and is especially effective with vulnerable populations, including the very young, aged, poor, stressed, or unwell.

Shop 4: Helpless

The Helpless shop requires us to disconnect from those who love us and connect to others who are disconnected. Helpless is a hotspot for addictions and depression and requires you give up all personal power. Helpless is a cacophony of thought processes and inaction, often passed to us from parents or guardians.

The Helpless Umbrella passing ceremony often includes the transmission of all your personal power to those trained in inducing FEAR.

Shop 5: Powerless

Once at Powerless, you put on your thinking limiter cap and focus only on obstacles and failures, resenting anyone else not wearing the same powerless limiter cap. The cap allows us to resist promoting our value in any way.

The powerful thinking limiter cap causes us to feel crushed by life’s problems, often trading time for money working for others instead of pursuing our own dreams. It focuses on isolation or our inability to create successes. This process often leads you back to the Hopeless shop.

Once at Powerless, the loop between Hopeless, Helpless, Powerless is steps away and shopping can continue indefinitely.

Those wearing powerless caps are often seen sitting, frozen in fear.

Shop 6: Worthless

At Worthless, the showroom offers thousands of mirrors to show you your every flaw, every imperfection, magnified infinitely. They promise perfection but deliver pain.

Mirrored “I’m so Flawed” Goggles are a standard-issue here at Worthless, with 2.0 technology that blocks your joy and projects a standard overlay of you having no value.

Every set of Flaw Glasses brings you upgrades of I Hate Myself for Women and I’m Not Good at Anything for Men. You also receive versions of I’ll Never Be Loved, I’m Never Enough, and the latest version of I’m So Broken. The beautiful NAW logo on the side of the Flaw Glasses reminds you that you are “Not A Winner."

Shop 7: Meaningless

The Meaningless Why Do I Even Bother? slip-on shoes are the latest fad, available in every size and style. The Why Do I Even Bother? slip-on shoes complement any outfit if you’re bored, confused, frustrated, or entitled.

How do you get out of the shops on Trauma Boulevard?

Required Reinventions make us see issues we need to address. To find what we need to work on, we must look at what’s happening in our life now. We look at what we’re spending money on, we begin listening to our habitual thoughts, and we start looking for repetitive situations we experience.

We’ve built these situations as our own social proof to support habitual thoughts. We’ve newly been abandoned by our beloved — has that happened before? We’ve recently lost our job — why does this always happen to me? We’ve been disrespected again— is this something I’m doing? What’s going on?

We must ask ourselves — what am I feeling now? How strong is that feeling on a scale of 1 to 10? A scale of 2 or below, we note it. A scale of 5 or above is a big sign that this may be something needing further examination.

We ask:

1. When is the first time I felt this emotion?
2. What was going on when I felt it the first time? How old was I?
3. What decisions did I make then about myself regarding what that feeling meant?

Our Beliefs Start Early

My beloved sister, before she died, was in many relationships with abusive men. The more abusive, the longer she stayed. At first, I thought I could help her by getting her out of the relationships, but she would just start dating another abusive man.

When we talked about it, she knew she didn’t want to be in abusive relationships. She constantly talked about leaving. She would leave, then go back to the abuser repeatedly. I once asked her: “if you know you don’t want this, why don’t you trust yourself?” She remembered then a decision she’d made at the age of 4: to never trust herself.

For me, I’m uncomfortable being vulnerable. I like control. When I talked to her about why she continued staying in these difficult situations, I remembered my own decision at the age of 4: that I would only trust myself.

These 4-year-old decisions defined our lives into adulthood.

Shopping at Helpless on Trauma Boulevard is infuriating for me, but I have several of those umbrellas.

Looking at the shops on Trauma Boulevard that I’m spending time in helps me find old beliefs causing me suffering. Assigning a score to the feeling’s intensity gives me insight into the amount of emotional work I need to do.

Picking apart old stories, thoughts, and beliefs helps me see why I’ve created adaptive behaviors. Early childhood beliefs installed (usually before the age of 7 years old) allow us to see why we’re making shopping rounds at the stores we’re frequenting.

Many people believe that shopping at stores on Trauma Boulevard is mandatory and that moving into Hopeless living communities is simply a way of life. I don’t.

I believe it possible (although it feels impossible at times) to get control of our inner self-talk and shift our power. I believe this process is filled with incremental successes.

One of the tools I used early on was to turn the radio off in my car when I was alone and say out loud everything I could think of to be grateful for. When I caught my mind drifting off into other thoughts, I’d put my focus back to being grateful. I committed to the process and drive by drive, it got easier.

If I caught myself thinking about negative thoughts I didn’t want to create, I’d simply say Cancel, Cancel, Cancel; then refocus on what I was grateful for.

In my mind, shopping on Trauma Boulevard is a beginning. None of us really enjoy shopping or living there, but the lessons I’ve learned there have changed me forever.

What about you? Where do you shop on Trauma Boulevard? And why?

Shopping trips often call for a ride-along partner. These partners keep you from spending too much time in stores while we share what’s going on in our life. If you need a partner on your shopping trips to Trauma Boulevard, there’s no shame in calling a supportive friend or finding a great therapist.

Although your shopping on Trauma Boulevard started as an unplanned trip, you can define how it ends. YOU. Do your inner work, get the help you need and use your trips to Trauma Boulevard as a way to make your life shine in a brand-new way.

Shopping on Trauma Boulevard was originally published in Healthy Mind, Healthy Life on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Changing your expectations can change your life

Stress and worry often occupy all the space between our ears. Chewing bottom lips, we fret and imagine every negative possibility. It seems (at the moment) like the only reasonable response to lack of resources, health issues, family concerns, catastrophic news, or some other unholy mess that’s befallen us. We grapple with trying to understand what’s going on while trying to organize possible solutions. In the middle, we worry. But what if…

Much of my career included a lot of travel. Travel includes delays. My last trip through the Charlotte Douglas airport intersected with a rain delay of over six hours. Bleary-eyed, unable to face working, I turned to YouTube to distract myself. I decided to research videos on Albert Einstein. I learned that Einstein believed that our lives are created by our expectations. That nugget twinged in my head through the long night of travel and many nights since. I began to look at what I expected…more struggle. And wondered — what if I expect differently? What if…

I’ve been a world-class worrier. It’s a skill that REALLY worked for me. I used my talents to imagine every negative possibility, then lined up possible solutions A-Z, then AA-ZZ, and so on. I pre-planned solutions for any possible worry. It got exhausting; the shine wore off, the moon shifted, or something changed — because worrying created other worries. I realized that constant headaches, upset stomachs, lost researching time for possibilities that would never affect me, and information hoarding talents were negatively impacting my life. And I began to question. What if….

It wasn’t a skill I could let go of without a good struggle, though. The negative vibrations I offered myself through worrying were a bit addictive. My old habit was like my oldest friend. Letting go of worry seemed like a betrayal to the old parts of myself that had benefited. But a small, defiant part of myself rallied other pieces of consciousness to start a collective uprising. The question got louder in my head. What if…

What if every time I caught myself worrying, I asked myself: what if everything was going to be perfect? What if everything turned out ok?

For me, it was a revolutionary shift. I incorporated this new process into my life after challenging my expectations. I used my life results to find old beliefs behind those expectations. I felt the old feelings behind those beliefs to honor and release them. I asked myself: how old do I feel? I thought back to those moments when I felt like the beliefs were formed. In short, I did THE work. I began to see the beliefs shift and my expectations change. But it all started with asking myself — what if? I’ve shared this with friends who are doing the same shift and I invite you to join us. Every time you catch yourself worrying, just ask yourself: What if everything worked out perfectly? What if this worked out better than I could ever imagine? What if this was a stepping stone into the life I truly want? What if…

I hear the skeptics in the peanut section already, saying this is a Pollyanna-ish approach. I hear you and ask you — what are YOU expecting? Look at what you’re getting now. Is this working for you? If so, don’t change a thing. If not, consider Einstein’s approach. Expect differently. What if?…

Please don’t use this tool to beat yourself up over the time you’ve spent worrying in the past. That was the old us. The current us can shift and change…and give ourselves grace. If you’re not able to function without punishing yourself for what you didn’t know when you didn’t know it, please get help. Talk to a kind friend who will listen. Download a therapy app or set up an appointment with a professional. Be kind to yourself. And ask yourself, what if this worked out perfectly?

What if everything is going to be perfect? What if… was originally published in Healthy Mind, Healthy Life on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

5 Reinventions to Transformation

Use your pain to fuel your transformation

My heart hurts for those dealing with defeat. There’s a reason that it’s called the agony of defeat. It’s crippling, often mixed with vows of invisibility, frustration, grief, and failure. It can come through life experiences or be trained from birth by simply watching those we love being continuously knocked down, so we learn that it’s not worth trying. We stop showing up for our lives at all, sometimes even before we hit kindergarten.

The shock hits first.

It comes out of left field like a 300-pound defensive lineman going 20 miles an hour to tackle you in your blind spot. In a second, you go from the winning superstar quarterback flying on top of the world to a paraplegic rewriting your life expectations. It’s not fair — that’s the whole point. Life decides that it’s your time to reinvent and suddenly all your life bills become due at the exact same minute. It sucks and that can suck you into depression, mad at yourself that you didn’t see this coming.

The pain can cripple you for years. You hide out from life, sure that everyone you meet can see the big LOSER sign on your forehead, obsessively overthinking what you could have done, should have done, might have done, would have done had you known this was coming. Darling, you’re missing the point.

Messy as hell, they require that you dig through old dreams, plans, new desires, and possibilities. Please, Marie Kondo that crap, deciding what you love, what you can give up and what you want to grow.

I’m convinced that pain is our time of greatest possibility, requiring that you lean into your feelings.

It’s the scariest thing you will. EVER. do, which is why so many self-medicate with chaos, distraction, medication or addictions to try to get past it. Darling, reinvent. Use the pain to fuel your transformation and find your path to your truest power.

It shows up at the most inconvenient times.

It makes you feel all alone, like no one else in the entire world has EVER felt this much pain. You hide in your house, hide in your pain, or paste a smile on your face and pretend like your life is perfect, then go back to your pain the minute you get a chance. Sweetheart, the world is full of others who feel like you do.

Feel those feelings; lean in. Cry. Snot. Blow. Rinse. Repeat as needed. Feel it and heal it.

1. If you get lost in the pain, find help.

Find someone who can see your light when you don’t. Maybe you can’t because it’s hidden under so much pain. However, someone can. Find them. Call a therapist, call a friend, talk to a stranger who connects. Don’t stay there by yourself. You’ll convince yourself that you are the only one in the whole wide world who’s such a loser, such a fraud, such a basket case, such a failure that no one could ever relate to. My friend, that is simply not true. You’re feeling your pain. That takes big courage. Write it out, shout it out, talk it out, feel it out. Honor those feelings by processing them so they can release and move you on to the next messy step in your journey. You are beloved or you would not be here.

Tell me how you were conceived without at least one member of your parents feeling ecstasy?

It simply isn’t possible. This is true in every branch of your family tree, every layer of your ancestry. They all required ecstasy for you to be here today, beloved. That’s how I know that you are loved. Find your way through the mud, through the mess, through the darkness.

2. Find. Your. Way.

Get help if you need it but fight your way to the present and share your light with the world.

Your way may look weird to others; that’s often the case. Our world was built for conformity so that we could create industrialized workers, but that world is shifting. We’re moving into the age of entrepreneurship and authenticity, so find yours. Build yours.

3. Take your dreams and your shenanigans and use them to build others up who are struggling like you are.

It’s the new measure of success. Tell your truth and let others find you where they will, helping them to know that they’re not alone. And we are NOT alone. We are a world of 7+ billion strangers, connected to others with lots of things in common which we may never find out about because we are trained to concentrate on differences. The new age of entrepreneurship and authenticity require connections.

Dedicate yourself to find at least 21 things you have in common with every person you meet, not counting the fact that we’re human, living on planet earth or any intrinsic commonality that make us humankind. Do you like the color red? Do you have kids? Have you ever visited the state where I was born? Where were you born? Let’s find connections that bind us together. Let’s help each other feel like we’ve been seen today. Let’s walk side-by-side for a minute. Sweet baby, that’s the whole point. We can do this together.

Required Reinventions will reacquaint you with who you really are.

They require you wrestle the 800-pound gorilla in your head that smells of self-judgment and rotten old beliefs that no longer serve you. They require that you fall out of your safety zone into the world of the unknown that feels like you may die at any moment because you feel so exposed. The age of the industrialized worker was much more anesthetized and invisible, but we’re not in that world anymore. When the world shifts, we’re required to follow it. Crises force our hand. Our babies get sick with illnesses that require research and unfamiliar words and expensive treatments. Our parents forget our face and our beloved betrays us. Unfamiliar and impossible become everyday occurrences. We’re required to look at our rock-solid identities and revamp them yet again. Who am I today? Who do I want to be? What is possible for me?

4. Find your judgments by asking yourself the following:

I can’t have what I want because…

I can’t do what I want because…

I don’t have what I want because…

and when you answer the question you will find an old judgment that no longer serves you.

5. Be grateful.

Be grateful for the process of reinvention. Be grateful for the pain that shows you the treasure chest of old beliefs and old judgments that no longer fit your future dreams.

Be grateful for the overwhelming everything of reinvention and grateful for the process of digging out who you are.

Be grateful for the release of perfection and embrace producing from your heart.

Being thankful makes leaving your safe havens for uncertainties ahead a whole lot easier to navigate. This is ninja-style magic, this gratitude. It will move you from the fetal position of hiding out to the walking meditation of gratefulness.

It will allow you to experience unforeseen synchronistic occurrences that change your life instantly.

Learning who you are will lead you to what you do.

That will lead you to what you have. Be. Do. Have. Building a life around our light and accepting our darkness with authenticity leads us to our own weird tribe that loves us for who we truly are.

There are no perfect people, no matter what anyone says.

If you believe someone is perfect, you simply haven’t seen their darkness.

No one is better than you; they’re simply different than you.

They may be steps ahead of your journey on their own personal treasure hunt for their authentic selves. Cleaning out your toxic beliefs and judgments make it difficult for others to use them against you and toss you off-balance. People with difficult paths are often the most interesting people to know. Victims push others down; victors pull others up. Be a victor.

I believe in you. You should believe in you too.

Your pain has shown up because you’re ready to release toxic old beliefs and judgments that have defined you for too long. You can see exactly what they are because you see them playing out in your life. You’re experiencing money issues? Look at your money shame or old stories about money. You’re an addict? Look at your self disconnection, self-punishment, and shame. Convinced you’re lazy because you’re not showing up to your life? Look at why you feel unsafe or defeated. Your pain is your path to transformation. If you can’t see the path or are lost on the path, get help. Find a person with a light bright enough to help lead you out of your darkness. These examples may not be true for you, so find your own truth. You are your own excavator.

Whether you’re 7, 77, or 107 years old, you define yourself.

We often give up our power when it feels unsafe to be powerful, to feel our feelings, and to demand our spaces for ourselves. Society has trained us that this is not polite. Forget being polite. Learn to say no, focus on what you want, help others and mostly, learn who you are. Stand in your truth. The world needs you to find your light.

Required Reinventions are messy but unearthing your truth can make you feel like a superhero.

You deserve joy. You deserve light and love. I hope you decide to tackle your required reinvention with gusto, lean in, and unearth your hidden treasure. I can’t wait for you to share your hidden treasures with the world. Glitter done!

Thanks for reading the Real Life Resilience publication

For more resilience-related content listen to the Real Life Resilience podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, or directly from the website. We also have fabulous short videos on the Real Life Resilience YouTube channel.

Required Reinventions was originally published in Healthy Mind, Healthy Life on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Open letter to MacKenzie Bezos Scott, Melinda Gates, and you

Dear MacKenzie Bezos Scott, Melinda Gates, and you:

I’m so sorry you’re going through your divorce. I don’t know much about the fishbowl you may live in, but I know about the brutal discovery process that comes with self-reinvention. Please interpret this letter only as support; I have no judgments or agendas for this letter, simply feeling that the world often isn’t kind to strong women who have the nerve to want better. I felt compelled to reach out from the other side of the healing and let you know that you will be okay. You’ll pull together your shattered self and learn new places to glitter. Getting to the glitter may be hard but can be a truly rewarding process.

In the spirit of support, I’ve listed 10 things below that I hope you’ll do for yourself through this process:

1) I hope you take your time digging through remnants of your old identity, dreams that have gone stale, and treasured possibilities. Letting go of what could have been was the hardest for me. As you navigate through your loss, I hope you’re surrounded by true friends sharing deepest fears, truths, and sangrias. I hope your tears are wrapped in laugh-snorts and almost-peed-my-pants talk about rat-finks and girl trips to make your heart feel lighter. You deserve the beauty in those moments. I hope you treasure those who listen while protecting your confidence and use this experience to become a better, stronger, kinder you. And journal; it can save your life. Journal in shorthand code if you worry about uninvited eyes. I know one woman that made her son promise to burn her journals if she’s in an accident. I go back to old journals to appreciate my journey and give myself strength for new adventures. If you decide to use this reinvention process to create your next book, count me in to purchase your first copy. Supporting each other makes us stronger.

2) I hope you learn to master your fears. We all have fears that drive us but braving them changes everything. If you haven’t already read Brandon Webb and John David Mann’s book Mastering Fear — A Navy SEAL’s Guide, I’d highly recommend it. When you master your fears, you’ll discover your true power and self-confidence. I’d also recommend any of Brene’ Brown’s books. If you’ve read them, reread them and see if you gain something new. I’d suggest ordering Mastin Kipp’s book ‘Claim Your Power’ to work on root causes of your trauma. If you’ve already tamed your inner voices, keep kicking ass!

3) I hope you learn that the failure of your marriage has no relationship to failure as a person. When my lover cheated, I first related that back to possible personal deficiencies — forgetting that magic relationships are filled with deep connection, give-and-take, and communication. I hope you give yourself grace for any self-proclaimed failures and treat yourself as kindly as one of your children going through similar circumstances.

4) I hope you don’t take it personally when your “couples” friends no longer associate with you in the same ways. You simply don’t fit in the same circles. You’ll also find women who suddenly feel insecure because you are single and chatting with their partner; please don’t take this personally either. It’s painful to feel the same on the inside but be perceived differently. This is just part of your journey. Keep your eyes on your target: becoming the best version of yourself. Allow your old friends to fade if they can no longer participate in your new adventure. It’s their loss!

5) I hope you exercise self-compassion because the relentless introspection of your flaws breaks your own heart. In fact, I hope you’ll become your own shero and truly connect with YOU. What do YOU want? How do YOU feel? We often put our own wants and needs on ice when we’re building strong family units. We forget to check with the person in the mirror as our biggest fan. Your inner critic can take over and feed you relentless chatter of things you screwed up, forgot, failed, weren’t perfect at, didn’t do enough, or otherwise missed the mark. In short, we lose our way. A woman feeling the fire of inner connection can light thousands of other lanterns. A disconnected woman struggles to warm herself. As women, we often hide behind our spouses, our children, and our causes. It’s time to stop hiding. Finding your own self-compassion allows you to offer compassion to others. This world needs more kindness, so please be kind to yourself.

6) I hope you learn the power of multi-page forgiveness letters that begin with rage and end with acceptance, not forgetfulness. I hope you burn the letter as soon as you write it so that it can never be used against you. My forgiveness letter to my ex-spouse took 16 pages of rage, but the difference was deeply noticeable. (Full disclosure: I needed to write multiple forgiveness letters and I burned them all. You should too.) Writing forgiveness letters allowed me to release hopes, dreams, and emotions that were no longer his business; they were my responsibility and I chose to honor them. I hope you forgive yourself for anything you’ve said or done that didn’t meet your own standards and I hope you relax those standards to allow for your own humanity.

7) I hope you remember your curiosity and your joy and your silliness and your sense of adventure. These were your true superpowers as a child and deserve to be rediscovered.

8) I hope you release self-judgment because judgments create beliefs that create thoughts that create actions. These self-judgments skew life views and may need to be cleaned out before you can love again. I hope you chose to love again. The fact that your ex-lover moves on first has nothing to do with your success in the future partner arena. We often grieve longer when we’ve invested more equity into the relationship. And can I just say — if you decide not to move on — if you decide to invite your ex-lover over for an evening, a weekend, or whatever — good for you. Others may have judgments about what you need. Don’t listen. The heart wants what the heart wants. You just do you — and let everyone else do whatever they will with that. Find joy — it’s your life mission and the secret sauce.

9) I hope you don’t worry as much about your kids. Your kids will be fine when you’re fine. I hope you don’t isolate your kids from your feelings. In some ways, seeing you process your emotions gives them the freedom to express theirs. I hope you let them know that you’re processing, getting help, that love is sometimes messy, that sometimes you put your whole heart into it and it just doesn’t work out the way you expected and to keep choosing love. It’s the best, most precious gift you’ll ever give your children who will fight their own battles with love. It’s just truth.

10) I hope you bloom. Whatever that looks like for you, we need more women blooming and loving their lives. You have the power to bloom — find your tribe, find your courage, find your life purpose, find your joy, and love the heck out of it. Do the best you can every single day. Find a reason to make the world a better place for yourself and bring others along with you.

Granted, these are outcomes and you may be looking for processes, so I’ll offer a few: 1) turn the radio off when you get in the car and just think of things you’re grateful for, like: a) I’m driving along on a smooth highway instead of a horse-drawn wagon or b) I have the right to vote or c) I am healthy and my children are safe. It can be anything! Listen to Elvis singing his high-vibration songs and car dance like nobody’s business. Create a playlist and share it with the world! Ask yourself every day — does this feel good? Do I want this in my future life? If not, how do I solve this issue without doing this? Become an inventor, a magician, a person that makes things happen. Find your inner sparkle.

You’re in the world spotlight as you go through your reinvention and I can’t imagine how scary that is.

Find your way.

Wrestle your demons. Embrace fear and use it as fuel. You can do this. You have the resources, the intelligence, and the courage — otherwise, this would not be showing up. If you need therapy, please get help. There’s no shame in that game. Look at the new ways of dealing with stress, like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or yoga, meditation, nature walks, or other modalities. All of it holds value if it speaks to your heart.

Once you’ve put the shattered pieces back together, you may not look, act or sound like the person you were before. That’s okay. Use this process to discover the new you, the true you. Don’t allow others to weaponize your feelings. Lean into your feelings and truly feel them. Cry. Snot. Blow. Repeat as often as you need. We only cry when it’s important. When we’ve truly honored our feelings, they completely release and allow us to get to solid ground where pushing our old buttons don’t get the same results. You can do this. Remember the fierce warrior you once were — she’s still inside you. From the peanut gallery, I’m rooting for you.

Please forgive the liberties I’ve taken with your life and assuming I know anything about what you’re feeling. It is not my intention to hurt. If that is your interpretation, I deeply apologize and wish you well. Glitter on!

Thanks for reading the Real Life Resilience publication

For more resilience-related content listen to the Real Life Resilience podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, or directly from the website. We also have fabulous short videos on the Real Life Resilience YouTube channel.

If you enjoyed this story, please recommend 👏 and share to help others find it!

Divorce can break you, but it can heal you too was originally published in Healthy Mind, Healthy Life on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

At the beginning of 2017, I went to Peru for a 7-day plant medicine retreat including five Ayahuasca ceremonies and one Huachuma ceremony with a sweat lodge. The shaman and facilitators were good people, the food was excellent and the place was beautiful. I was very lucky. The promise was “20 years of therapy in one night”. I felt positive and confident that this was going to be the cure for all my ills.

After the retreat, I had two more weeks planned in Peru for sightseeing and other activities. When I got to the hotel, I went into a deep depression. I was exhausted from the ceremonies, the medicine-induced lack of sleep, and all the insights and strange experiences from the retreat week. I emailed the facilitators but they were unavailable for support. All the caring and support that had been given during the retreat was gone. I fought the desire to stay in my hotel room 24/7 and got out as much as I could. The nights were long, the tears were many and all I wanted to do was go home.

When I got back home, I was a mess for a long time. It was hard to motivate myself to work. My brain felt dull and unfocused. I cried every night. I wasn’t sleeping well. When I spoke later to the retreat organizer he told me that it was because I didn’t go deep enough during the ceremonies, I didn’t surrender enough and I didn’t purge by vomiting. I felt like I was not as good as the others because they vomited a lot and made a lot of noise.

I felt wrong for wanting it to be gentle when I was in Peru so I gathered up all my determination and decided to do another ceremony where I would go deep, surrender and purge the hell out of my troubles. I couldn’t afford the time or expense to go back to Peru so I looked for somewhere closer to home. I found an organization in the Netherlands that offered individual ceremonies on Saturdays. I was living in the UK at the time and was able to fly there and back in a weekend.

I did regular individual ceremonies over the next year or so. The guide was very good, caring, and supportive during the ceremony. In pretty much every ceremony I went through hell but I only vomited a little bit once. I worried that I wasn’t doing it right and that I wasn’t going deep enough.

After each ceremony, I traveled home, pulled myself together, and went through my “process” for the next few weeks. I tried to face all the things that came up. I went for long walks, meditated, got shiatsu treatments, and did whatever else I could do. I set myself a routine to work so that I could continue to support myself and pay for my treatment. When the wounds were too much to bear, I would email the ceremony guide. He would give me a few words of encouragement and tell me “trust the process”. It didn’t help much except to feel a little less alone.

I read a lot about the medicine and the wonderful and magical things it had done for people. I tried very hard to convince myself that I was getting better but didn’t feel or see much improvement in my life. I reasoned that the medicine had helped so many people so if I wasn’t getting a result, it must be me. I decided I had to go to a group retreat again because maybe the individual retreats weren’t pushing me enough.

The same organization that offered the individual retreats also offered some group retreats in the Netherlands and in Portugal. In Peru, there were only 11 participants and I had my own room. Now, each retreat had over 40 participants and shared rooms. I do not like crowds, socializing is difficult for me and the energy of others overwhelms me.

In ceremonies, people cried and shouted and purged hard. The energy was chaotic. I still did not purge. In between ceremonies, I had no place to go for quiet time to restore my peace and energy. I was way out of my comfort zone but I told myself it was good for me and I would get better soon.

The retreat guides told me I needed to cry and scream and purge and shout like the others. I was told I was emotionally frozen and to surrender to the tears. When I was in trouble, I was told to “trust the process”. To me, it always felt like such an empty phrase so I thought I was not very “spiritual” because I could not see the wisdom of it, and also because I kept a secret stash of snacks in my bag so that I wouldn’t have to eat watery soup and rice cakes.

I was told that the guides were there to help but it was hard to be heard over the noise of the others and very hard to get their attention. One time I asked for the help I needed and was heard but I was later told that I had asked for too much help and that I had to “carry my own process”. After that incident, at home a few months later, I did a plant medicine journey by myself where I tried so hard to make myself purge that I ended up with sore ribs and a sore throat from dry retching so much.

The last retreat and ceremony I did was in August and it was a dark and difficult journey. Among other things, I saw all my troubles from a sort of cellular/wiring perspective and felt a strong sense of hopelessness about fixing them. Since I got back home I have been depressed and feeling hopeless again. I look back on the last almost four years and the many medicine journeys I have taken, and find I am in exactly the same place as when I started except that now I’ve seen the extent of my troubles.

The only people I’ve spoken to about it are into Bufo now. They’ve been to heaven, experienced eternal bliss, joined the field of oneness, and told me there is no good or bad and it’s all “just duality” or “just ego”. It seems to me that their compassion dissolved along with their egos. They tell me that Bufo is the King of all the plant medicines and you have to be a superhero to take it. My poor “dualistic” mind can’t help thinking of the poor toads people traumatize to give them their little hit of heaven. And I ask if I go back to the God/Eternal/Energy field when I die anyway, do I really need to see the trailer?

On reflection, I see that whenever I expressed a concern about the medicine or the organizations running them, or pointed out a contradiction, or even was honest about my progress or experience, my concerns were brushed aside and the problem was all mine. Of course, nobody uses plant medicines as a means of escape. There’s no macho, superhero bullshit involved. There’s no placebo involved at all. Nobody is trying to make a religion out of plant medicines and the rituals surrounding them. The plant medicines are magical and sacred and can cure anything.

Cynicism aside, I don’t regret going down the medicine path. I may even do another plant medicine journey in the future but I no longer see it as a “cure-all” or even a “cure-anything”. I no longer expect that it’s going to fix my issues. I don’t know if that was ever a realistic goal. I know that I am okay even if I have problems. I don’t need to rid myself of all my troubles before I can truly live or find freedom. I don’t need to fix myself to be happy or to have a good life. I am sad now but I can be happy too. The sadness will pass.

I know that tears shed alone are just as valid and just as expressive as those shared noisily in a room full of people. I like the quiet and gentle ways. Why would God or plant medicine spirits expect everyone to purge or express their emotions in the exact same way? Perhaps Ayahuasca was, after all, a cure — for my unrealistic expectations.

The plant medicine cure was originally published in Healthy Mind, Healthy Life on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.