A poem…… or another scream!!!!

Sometimes, all I do is wait — 
apparently patient,
while I wrench apart a heart
that refuses to sit still.
And God, I don’t know how to wait.

People tell me to calm down a bit.
They say, “Oh, it’s a form of love…. a pure love,
a love that requires no applause in the real world.”
As if they have any idea
what a yearning chest feels like from the inside.

What it feels like when the silence becomes a torture chamber,
when you look back at the door
and trick yourself into thinking you heard a knock — 
only to find nothing there
but a mocking, empty room.

When you count leaves while walking,
one after another, convincing yourself:
I’ll meet them at last…
Only to wake up suddenly in the dead of night,
your ears ringing with a ghost’s voice.

I am human, don’t they know?
No, I can’t be patient.
I am no angel, nor a white saint!
I am flawed, broken, raw, wrong —

HUMAN!!!!!!

Do you even feel the weight of this?
All my shouting — 
it just bounces off the walls of the void.
Tell me: is waiting this cruel to everyone else,
or is it only tearing me apart
while you feel nothing at all?

Ammara Daria

Nudge — A Publication!

Shouting Into the Void and Calling It Patience. was originally published in Nudge on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Between the warmth of unconditional love and the fear of an unexpected goodbye.

When I was young, I read a quote

“If a tree wants to reach Heaven, its roots must reach Hell!”

It was too much, honestly. It was kinda disturbing, but somewhere I knew it was absurd & true!

Years passed by. Time perhaps flies ironically by staying in one place, fixed, going in circles, without resting even for a moment. The needles inside it must be tired!

It’s been 2 years & 8 months since the last time I saw my best friend. It really sucks sometimes to be so far away from each other, 400 miles apart. I wish I had an ‘ANYWHERE DOOR’!

Ah! I hate you, DORAEMON, for putting that idea into my tiny head.

MONDAY MORNING.

My iPhone dings. A text from her:

“Hey, are you in town? I’ll be coming by tomorrow.”

My shoulders relaxed; my heart calmed down like that of a newborn sleeping.

We have a great bond. We have each other’s backs and are there for each other through the THICK & THIN of life.

Until tomorrow arrives, time slows down as if it were low on energy.

Ah! Speed up. Man, come on!

She called late in the evening and sent me her current location. I drove down to that hotel so fast, as if the world were ending!

There she was, standing in the corridor.

As soon as she saw me, she came rushing in.

We almost fell to the floor. The hug was warm. We couldn’t breathe, but we didn’t let go. We shared a few words while still wrapping our arms around each other.

I rubbed her back gently and, in close proximity, placed my hands on her feather-soft cheeks, gently rubbing the small dimple on her left cheek.

“I don’t miss you.”

Her smile faded away instantly & turned upside down.

She whispered in a low voice:

“WHY?”

I responded with a wrinkled smile:

“TU ME MANQUES”

(French meaning – You are missing from me.)

She hugged me with a pleading expression on her face.

After having supper together, we went for a walk around the corner in a nearby park while holding hands and intertwining our fingers, catching up on everything, sharing our job stress, family tantrums, happy moments, and favourite songs.

We settled on a wooden bench with a dim light beaming above us.

“It’s nice to have you around,” I told her.

“The feeling is mutual,” she added.

For a while, we shared a moment of silence, absorbing the noises of distant vehicles and the buzzing of insects.

I got lost pensively, with my face turned towards the night sky.

She pulled me out of my thoughts & asked with concern:

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you alright?”

I replied:

“YEAH, yeah, yes, I just ah… I just ah… I mean, it’s nothing. Sorry, forget about it.”

She pivoted her body towards me, holding my fingers with her fluffy palms.

“Tell me. I am right here.”

“It’s nothing important,” I added.

“I’m all ears, and I want to hear it. I don’t care how stupid it may sound.”

I got up from the bench, knelt in front of her, and, bending my head towards her face, said with a heavy, painful smile:

“You know I adore you. Maybe more than that.”

She surprisingly asked:

“You love me? Romantically?”

I added:

“More than that, darling!”

“Well, what do you mean exactly?” she further asked.

I told her after taking a deep breath:

“We love because we want something, or because they provide us with something, happiness perhaps. Being around them gives us a sense of homeliness, but…

“I WOULD RATHER BE UNHAPPY WITH YOU THAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT YOU!”

I wanna soak all your sorrow away, take away your bad dreams, look for you while you stay in bed on your days off. Tie your shoelaces, carry you to the mountain peak, kiss your forehead when you’re asleep.”

As she heard all that, tears trickled down her cheeks and fell onto my forearm.

I gently wiped her face with my thumbs.

She wept like a baby who had been separated from her mother and kissed my forehead while sobbing:

“YOU ARE THE MOST PRECIOUS THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME!”

She replied, her voice trembling as if the words were tearing her apart:

“You are my Heaven, my Bliss, and My Heart in Human form.”

Hearing this, the oak tree behind the wooden bench rejoiced with joy & shed its leaves upon us as a blessing!

As we held each other, with the rustling of the leaves & the cold breeze, I closed my eyes and held her tight.

I felt an indescribable feeling that was BEYOND BLISS.

She looked at me with fear raging in her eyes, which sent chills down my spine.

I asked her:

“What’s wrong? Are you okay, love!?”

She responded as her face began to turn towards the ground:

“I LOVE YOU, BUT…”

A moment of silence that froze my head & heart.

I got so carried away by that feeling that I couldn’t figure out whether my roots had reached Hell.

Am I in the Abyss, or have I touched the Staircase of Heaven, and am I BEYOND BLISS!?

Nudge

BEYOND BLISS OR ABYSS? was originally published in Nudge on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.