Congratulations! You’re the proud recipient of a Super Team Deluxe™ Art Print™. Surely, this must be your most defining moment and we’d be remiss to not celebrate you — but also to remind you that it will unfortunately not make up for a lifetime of questionable decisions. Onward, ho!

While many find this honor to be too great a privilege to bear, we have full confidence in your ability to navigate these luxurious waters with all the grace and aplomb of a treasure goblin doing lines of faux gold dust at a JoAnn’s.

Prophecies foretold of your acquisition, but not of your magnificent reign. So what, pray tell, should thou do with this dopest of delicacies? We gotchu, boo.

Remind yourself that you are the literal lap of luxury

Behold! Your extravagance now knows no bounds. With a Super Team Deluxe™ Art Print™, your humble home has been transformed into a resort that rests right on the pelvic bone of leisure. You may now drape yourself in velvet, adopt a rare and valuable endangered animal as a pet, and exclusively wear tracksuits. This what being The Lap is all about and you’re welcome.

Convert your home into a Super Team Deluxe™ museum

Yes, you are now famously wealthy. You have access to the finest caviar but you eat it on hot dogs because you are that rich. And not the good hot dogs. You put $20000 caviar on those store brand ballparks, just to prove a point. But never forget your humble roots by building your life around owning and operating your very own Super Team Deluxe™ museum. The pay is inadequate and the benefits nonexistent, but it’s honestly the least you could do.

Go to a nice restaurant and order every lobster they have in the building

You own the ocean now. That’s the rule.

Make your shitter shine

We’ll concede that this one may not deal directly with your new Super Team Deluxe™ Art Print™, but we’re not prepared to remove such a powerfully intoxicating statement that is sure to rouse even the coldest of hearts. Inspiration is everywhere!

Look at it and feel smug

This is art. Art is finally yours and you have also become art. No one else is art. Let them know it. You can be ready for any event by rehearsing a warm, reassuring scoff. Rinse twice daily with salt water for maximum effect.

This is your new life. Your previous life was fine, but there wasn’t nearly enough marble in it. Or columns. Now, you have more columns than Excel. This lavish new lifestyle is everything that the Super Team promised you and more. All because you bought a Super Team Deluxe™ Art Print™**.

** Results may vary

5 Things You Can Do with Your New Super Team Deluxe™ Art Prints™ was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Anyway, we had a great idea that’s completely our own and totally not inspired by any outside sources and so we’ve deiced to update our Privacy Policy. Please listen to these changes and be inspired by our charity and goodwill. After all, we believe you have the right to privacy, so long as a government applies the right amount of pressure to ensure it!

We will no longer sell your information on Craigslist

We’re pleased to announce that we’re officially done doing business with anonymous information exchanges on Craigslist. Sure, we had a good run and a mortgage certainly doesn’t pay for itself moving forward, but you might be pleased to know that InfoXxXHunterx69xXx will no longer be our best buyer for the month.

We will immediately stop imbuing our products with curses

Admittedly, this has been a questionable business practice from the beginning, but we’re committing to refraining from imbuing our metals with any and all hexes, curses, jinxes, charms, and/or anything else that gets somewhat chummy with the dark arts. From here on out, all Super Team paraphernalia will be untouched by sacrificial blood.

We will no longer mine your computer data for information about unpaid library fines

At STD, we respect your privacy, and also the limp, OVERREACHING LEGAL ARMS of the EU. That’s why we will no longer search for and record your library fines for us to use down the road *cough, blackmail, cough* or to make sure your local library keeps the lights on. Instead, your library will die, the way you’ve always wanted, you monster.

We’re done with carving your email addresses on our bodies and then posing for tasteful, semi-nude photoshoots

Don’t ever say we don’t do anything for you. Our most beloved pastime of marking our supple and cherished bodies with your private email addresses before a sensually artful photo session will no longer be a practice the Super Team engages in. The world will be denied not only access to your correspondence, but also the allure of a near hairless, exquisite semi-nude figure built for comfort.

We will no longer watch you sleep

For real, this time. We pledge to let you slumber without our watchful eyes gazing upon your lavish indulgence of the moonlight. We also pledge to delete any and all recorded sleeping sessions and will no longer interfere within said sleeper’s dream world, nightmarescape, and/or any other rest-related realities. Enjoy your newfound privacy.

Also, save 25% off of your entire purchase today on Super Team Deluxe with code PRIVATIZEME.

Hi, We’re Writing To Tell You That We’ve Updated Our Privacy Policy was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It’s time to celebrate everyone’s favorite space saga, A Star War, which we have seen. Surely all people know that there have been many A Star War, but only loyal diehards know that, in fact, there have been exactly 3 truly great A Star War movies. But with so many A Star War, how could someone possibly pick 3 favorites? It’s simple, Padawank. Listen, you will, while we recount the best three A Star War films, which we promise that we’ve seen.

Episode I: The Naughty Phantom

Many have suggested that this might truly be the best A Star War. It might be controversial to suggest that it is merely the third best in what was a perfect prequel trilogy, but while this A Star War contains all of the sex and violence of the previous installments, it is unfortunately somewhat lacking in banthas. This has been the central criticism in what is essentially a truly exceptional A Star War, and why shouldn’t it be? Banthas are beautiful with their large mouths and their herd-like tendencies. Their milk, which is distinctively blue is a welcomed sight for many weary travelers. The story of young Anakin is enthralling and tragic, but nowhere near as tragic as neglecting these large herbivores their due screen time.

Episode II: The Battle for Endor

A Star War: The Battle for Endor is not the best A Star War. But it is indeed very close! In this fanciful film, Anakin engorged with overt feelings of desire and his husband’s bulge, pursues lovemaking with Padme. It is both erotic and mysterious, just as the Lord God intended. But sadly, just as Anakin betrays Padme’s own sexual expectations, there is once again no bantha representation. This is somewhat troubling as banthas, easily domesticated, mate for life. When Sand People marry and enter copulation, their banthas also fuck. This is the hidden way of the bantha, but now you know it to be true. What’s more, should its rider die, their bantha usually perishes shortly after. It is a bond born of passion and blood. A Star War: The Battle for Endor had zero bantha sex and it is why we believe it to only be second best. True fans know that the erotic coupling of banthas is second only to the Max Rebo musical orgy at Jabba’s Love Hutt™. This is non-negotiable.

The Holiday Hoopla

While this is a rare sight to see, it is as elusive as it is truly great. A Star War: The Holiday Hoopla tells the story of a young Polish boy’s journey into adulthood. It has been heralded as a new, more realistic interpretation of the A Star War universe that is rooted in a more relatable narrative. While it is a riveting exploration on the expectations placed on manhood and therein the internal wrestling with our own cultural history of toxic masculinity, there are additionally no banthas anywhere in sight in this intimate coming of age tale. There is even a dog in the story which could have easily been a bantha. This would have been a quite simple undertaking narratively as bantha hides can be mashed with grains to make Ardees, also known as Jawa juice. Similarly, they have wide, flat feet with four digits and young banthas are known as calves. A Star War: The Holiday Hoopla could have easily been a gentle reminder that if a bantha died before its rider, its remains were placed in a large graveyard, which was treated with great respect by Tuskens and other banthas. For this reason, it is the best A Star War, but nowhere near as best as it could have been had banthas been involved.

It’s A Star War! was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It is me, your favorite obese space slug, Jabba the Hutt. No doubt you have heard of me — space gangster, frog eater, gross tongue-haver, friendly to rancors, etc. But there is more to me than these qualities. I want you to know the real me, so that we might be mind and heart partners. With that in mind, here are five facts you may not know about me, b̵e̵c̵a̵u̵s̵e̵ ̵e̵v̵e̵r̵y̵o̵n̵e̵ ̵i̵s̵ ̵t̵r̵y̵i̵n̵g̵ ̵t̵o̵ ̵c̵o̵p̵y̵ ̵t̵h̵e̵ ̵B̵u̵z̵z̵f̵e̵e̵d̵ ̵m̵o̵d̵e̵l̵ ̵a̵n̵d̵ ̵w̵e̵ ̵h̵a̵v̵e̵ ̵t̵o̵ ̵m̵o̵n̵e̵t̵i̵z̵e̵ ̵a̵s̵ ̵s̵o̵o̵n̵ ̵a̵s̵ ̵p̵o̵s̵s̵i̵b̵l̵e̵ because I care about our friendship.

TL;DR—Be assured, friendo: I would never eat you.

No one knows these things except George Lucas because I whispered these Hutt-y secrets into his ear in 1984 and he became aroused and nearly dead until I woke him with a monstrous wet willy. Now George lives in my home and walks my dogs rather poorly! What a happy ending for my two-first-named valet, George Lucas.

1. I actually LOVE salt.

If there’s one thing people know about slugs, it’s that salt kills them horribly and in an extremely cool manner. Who amongst us hasn’t killed a slug in such a dire and cruel way, to own the libs?

But even though I am a disgusting slug creature that oozes in all kinds of off-putting ways, I actually love salt. I salt everything. My doctor tries to tell me to stop, but I say to him, I say, “I’m not some damn weakling slug, I am the strongest slug.” So now I have hypertension but I salt the hell out of every bit of food I eat. I’m not afraid.

2. I don’t have a butt.

Not a lot of people know this, but space slugs don’t have butts. Instead, we have a fully-formed human face where you might assume our posterior is located. The face is frozen in a constant, silent scream of agony, which makes sense since my doo-doo comes out of the mouth.

3. C3P0 stole $30 from me

I’m sorry to burst your bubble—the only language C3P0 is fluent in is “jerk.” He spent every moment of filming flirting with R2D2 and then pouting off set when his advances weren’t reciprocated. Then, he stole $30 from my wallet while I was taking a shower, just so he could go to Jamba Juice. He thinks I don’t know, but I do, because I am very powerful and know a lot of stuff. C3P0 (more like C3Pee0), if you’re reading this, give me my money.

4. I am the Prime Mover.

In Aristotelian philosophy, the Prime Mover is a being/beings/force that started the events that set the universe in motion. This force is referred to the “Unmoved Mover”—the idea that, at some point, all that is must have begun somewhere. In Aristotle’s view, the answer was tied up in cosmology and in the celestial planes.

Well, guess what, dorks? I’m the Prime Mover.

5. Ross Perot lives inside me and operates my limbs like a puppet.

In 1992, the political world was sent into a tailspin by a plucky independent candidate named Ross Perot. What no one knows except my dog walker, George Lucas, is that Ross Perot has been living inside of me for six centuries, operating my limbs as if I am his created puppet and he is my creator god who I worship and adore above all things. His out-of-the-box economic policy was based on pure Hutt doctrine and I bow at his majesty and marvel at his terrible and mighty wrath. Praise to Ross, all praise his name, and may his vengeance be swift and without mercy. Amen.

Hello, it is I, Jabba the Hutt. was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Hello! I’m the new ombudsman for Super Team Deluxe, which means I tell the company when they do something wrong, when customers are mad and when their shirts look bad with those pants. Please note, I am uninterested in hearing from any customers directly, as I prefer to create my own anecdotal problems, stoke the fires of righteous indignation and let loose a social media tirade so ferocious even President Donald Trump cowers in fear over my awesome and fearsome anger.

In short: Don’t email me.

Today, I want to bring up to the STD leadership a serious problem that has recently come to my personal attention. They claim to be “video game fans” and “nerds” and “people,” and yet, they continue to refuse to immortalize the greatest game of all time in pin form. They deny me and all right-thinking people the right to affix a pointy piece of metal upon any object they choose that contains an image showing the bearer is a person of taste and refinement.

And so, on behalf of your customers, Shigeru Miyamoto, your friends and your family, I ask you:

WHERE IS MY MARIO PARTY 10 PIN?

All I want is a little picture I can put on my lapel that shows how much I love collecting stars on a virtual game board, and I am furious you have not shown any interest in this matter, despite my repeated and increasingly threatening efforts to communicate with you. Oh sure, you’ve “blocked” me from social media, but you haven’t responded to one of my 30 Mario Party 10 fan accounts.

Why?

Because you are cowards.

Give me what I request, which is a pin of Birdo hitting a block that says “10” while kicking ass in a mini-game, or I will report you to the FCC and to your church elders for discipline. I don’t know what denomination or god you serve, but trust me when I say that your god’s judgement and penalty will be swift, severe and essentially the middle act of Hellraiser.

Thanks, all! Keep up the great work, and we, your customers, are so glad you’re listening. Until next time!

—Your new, official* Super Team Deluxe Ombudsman!

*not official, and in no way was I asked to do this, who knows why they gave me access to their blog

Why isn’t there a pin for Mario Party 10, the best game of all time? was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

An exhaustive guide to living an okay life now

Well, you did it. You’ve just become the proud owner of one of the most precious resources in the known universe: a pin from Super Team Deluxe™. Understandably, you’re packed so full of complex emotions, it feels like you’re going to literally shit out a Tumblr. What will your parents think? Will you be able to keep your old friends with the new life you’re living? Is it possible to be so beautiful that the world is no more than a grotesque smattering of unsightly miscreants begging for death? Whoa. Slow down there, partner. Before you get overwhelmed with what’s sure to be a barrage of invites to all of the most exclusive parties and booty calls from both the old and new gods, let’s talk practically about what your next steps can and should be, now that you’ve purchased a pin from Super Team Deluxe™.

Remind your loved ones that you are a part of the Super Team

While you’re just getting familiar with your new place in the world, those you love most might not yet be aware of your ascension. Take any and every opportunity available to you to remind your friends and family that you’re a part of the most coveted, unrecognized amateur collector’s society in the Western Hemisphere. They’ll be thanking you in no time!

Converse with your new pin

Yell “HI RICK ROSS” into your new accessory and hope he might respond! That’s right, you can try to talk to the Bawse himself, Rick Ross, by yelling into your pin until you grow hoarse and weary. There’s no guarantee he will respond, but who knows in this crazy world! Weirder things have happened, I guess.

Become the mayor

Now that you’ve acquired official swag from Super Team Deluxe™ you are legally entitled to be mayor; just as our founding fathers intended.

Write a song or jingle that’s both catchy and timeless

You’ve put it off for long enough, but now is the time to create your magnum opus. While it’s not quite the ballad you were promised as a youth, this is as good as you’re gonna get.

Ask the Super Team into your home

Nothing says “I appreciate you” quite like an open invitation into your private dwelling. It’s also customary to offer a selection of light snacks, refreshments, and platonic neck-touching.

Smell your new pin

Smell your pin to learn the scent of Frank Oz’s hand after he was done filming hours of controlling Yoda! — There’s no greater reminder of your favorite memories than a special scent, and what better memory than Frank Oz’s performance as the Jedi master Yoda in the 1980 classic, Empire Strikes Back. All of our pins are guaranteed to smell exactly like Frank’s hand did after hours of filming! The musk of success hangs heavy on these pins, and will transport you to the swamps of Dagobah!

Put your new pin into your skin

Prove your devotion to mediocrity by embedding your new most prized possession into your meaty flesh for all the world to see. While the infection will almost certainly kill you, those short final days of bliss leading up to your undoing will likely be the best you’ve lived yet.

Beg Jesus to make unicorns real

Our Lord created a most beautiful world but if there’s one thing all True Believers can agree on, it’s that unicorns are great and should absolutely exist. Your new pin grants you exactly three (3) petitions to make known to the Alpha and Omega to request that these most blessed creatures would suddenly become real and to have existed in all of time and to never have not existed. Will the Son of God answer, or will you be smote? Only one way to find out!

Now you may partake in the deals contained within the Spring Cleaning Sale at Super Team Deluxe. Take advantage of 30% off the entire store for one week only or live your life in eternal regret.

So you bought a pin from Super Team Deluxe™, now what? was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Behold, it is the Great and Terrible Deals Demon; a minor Devil in the Seventh Undrayii Pantheon. He has been summoned by the Spring Cleaning sale at Super Team Deluxe — wherein the entire store is 30% off. You have become the Witness. As is customary when the Deals Demon appears, all Witnesses must turn their pockets inside out and declare “Heathcliff is better than Garfield, selah. Alas, I am undone”. Now, as the Black Book demands, must we all listen to his word-for-word recitation of Maid in Manhattan.

Be warned: There can be no reprieve from the Deals Demon, save for partaking in The Crimson Ritual. This would be an easy feat, but all of the K-Marts are now closed. Just as America has turned its back on the beloved retail giant, so too should you abandon all hope. But praise be to Glob, in Her infinite wisdom and apathy, you can now partake of The Crimson Ritual Lite™ from the comfort of your own home. Perform these tasks in the required order, Witness.

Submerge your onion

Your onion was dry upon purchase, but never shall it be dry again. Make it wet and keep it beading. Then, when your onion secretes the drippy droppy, declare, “This onion has been submerged!” Ignore the virgins you are presented with; their temptation is pretty textbook.

Drape yourself in 100% cotton

Your body will yearn for the comforting embrace of dead plants. Sate its lurid longings with fully cottoned cotton. Accept no substitutes. This is the luxury you deserve and you will willingly pay full price for this extravagance.

Serenade the Great Serpent

You’ve been waiting for this moment, your whole life, and now is finally the time to play your recorder. Guide your fingers round the Grand Shaft until the Great Serpent opens its third eye and spills its inner contents at your feet. This is literal and is not a penis joke. The First-Century pantheists had little insight into idioms and we’d appreciate your restraint in this most serious ritual.

Sacrifice your onion

Your onion has aided you through all things and has become a friend, a confidant, and even a partner. You surely could not have asked for a better onion. Now must you relinquish all familial and/or romantic ties with your onion and give it to the open maw of the Deals Demon. You‘ve not only lost a friend, but $1.94 as well.

Honor the discount

From the completion of The Crimson Ritual Lite™, you now have one week to partake in the Super Team Deluxe deals that the demon has brought forth from his cursed dimension. For every purchase thereafter you make, you must hold an onion at checkout. This is not the wet onion you communed with, but an ode to its memory. It is a way to honor its legacy and its sacrifice. Remember to close every transaction with the prayer “The furrow of my brow, the sweat of my onion, Amen.”

Thus concludes The Crimson Ritual Lite™.

Now you may partake in the deals contained within the Spring Cleaning Sale at Super Team Deluxe. Take advantage of 30% off the entire store for one week only or live your life in eternal regret.

Behold, It Is The Great and Terrible Deals Demon! was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Well, the Super Team Deluxe Grim Delights SALE is in full effect, and it’s that time of the week again: The laundry is piling up, odors are co-mingling into a congealed fermentation, and you’re tasked once again with narrowly avoiding an accidental summoning of demonic influence.

As is only all-too-common knowledge, all laundry care icons are actually neopagan relics that can summon powerful demonic entities from neighboring realities when drawn in blood and ignited by the Sovereign Ghost Light. And while this is certainly shared lore, we thought it best to give a role call before you dust off your goat skulls and black candles. As promised, here’s a quick refresher on who’s who from the Hellscape and 4 laundry pictograms that will also summon powerful demons.

Argominyth The Insatiable (Bleach If Needed)

While it’s a matter of simple geometry, those who know, know it’s also the trans-dimensional calling card for a lesser demon of the 7th Triad of Pain Dyosees; Argominyth The Insatiable. Donned in black robes and carrying a murderous scythe dripping of unicorn blood, Argominyth can also famously recite every line of the Bee Movie. Less famously, Argominyth can also recite every line of the unofficial 70s-themed spinoff, Bee Groo-vie.

Good for: Those who prefer to be devoured whole.
Bad for: Those who don’t.

Kordraezel The Underhanded (Drip Dry)

He’s got warhammers for hands, accursed wounds that continually pour fetid blood, and constantly asks you if you’re interested in joining his Crossfit gym. While Kordraezel possesses the ability to strip his victims of their skin with his Voidcall, he prefers the slow, painful torture of backhanded compliments sprinkled with subtle hints that it’s time for you to achieve your long forgotten fitness goals.

Good for: Those ready to take charge of their own lives for a small monthly fee who want to start living their best life now.
Bad for: Literally everyone.

Phil (Machine Wash Normal)

Don’t let the fact that Phil is a middle-aged, balding, slightly overweight demon incapable of any sort of mystical power fool you: Phil’s greatest torture is in purchasing every digital film available and claiming that “he thought he was just previewing it”.

Good for: Phil.
Bad for: Those not Phil.

Gothriel The Damned (Tumble Dry on Medium)

Bound and draped in burning chains, Gothriel insists on using transitional animation effects on every Keynote slide and/or action — even the more niche ones. She cannot be stopped.

Good for: Those with nothing better to do.
Bad for: Those with literally anything better to do.

And there you have it. While not extensive, this primer should serve as a quick retread on just what you’re dealing with, should you confuse the detergent with the blood of the accursed once again. For more information on the dark arts and the merchandizing thereof, be sure to check out our Grim Delights Sale, going on now through October 27.

4 Laundry Pictograms That Will Obviously Also Summon Powerful Demons From A Parallel Dimension was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Literally everyone loves a party. But for the layperson, navigating the dos and don’ts of partyhood can be somewhat challenging. What should you bring? What should you wear? How do you aggressively inform the other guests about your rash? Fear not! We’re here to help you ascend to party prestige. Aside from releasing our predictably famous new Party Soft enamel pin, we’ve also compiled a definitive list of how you can avoid becoming the death of a party and forever live in the golden halls of Party Valhalla.

Perform a blood ritual to invite mostly good spirits into the house

While this may seem like a no-brainer, you’d be surprised how often this gets overlooked! Just make sure the blood is from someone who hasn’t farted in the past 48 hours, or the spirits will be friendly but flatulent.

Continually ask the party host for extra freshly cracked pepper

Everyone loves a mysterious partygoer. This is the best way to show you have discerning taste, but also pepper fucking rules.

Never look directly at the basilisk

Getting petrified is the ultimate party foul!

Ransack the house for copper

It’s never a bad time to hunt for a bargain. If you can’t find any, gently ask the host during a break in conversation. They’ll admire your tenacity and show you to their copper dungeon!

Find a good place to die

Once you find it, inform other guests “This is my dying spot, move along” before they try to take it.

Paint a wall

Tap into your creativity — paint YOUR truth!

Offer to be the first one eaten in a catastrophic event

While this may seem unlikely, life can be unexpected. What can be expected: Everyone admires a martyr — be remembered forever when you are the first to die.

Learn a magic trick or perform an exorcism

Choose a card, any card! Pull a rabbit out of your hat! Demand the demonic presence evict itself from its fleshy prison!

Retreat to a back room to watch Netflix alone

No one wants to see you cry. Go somewhere else to do that.

Find the Boss Key

The boss door is impenetrable and in order to recover a full heart container, you’ll obviously need to defeat the dungeon boss. The only way in is with the Boss Key. Generally speaking, you’ll have to light at least three torches in order for this legendary item to be revealed.

Be sure to secure your next invite by moving in

In most states, if you declare “this is my room because I wet the bed” and immediately douse the mattress, the room is legally yours. Bonus tip: If you fail to wet the bed every single night thereafter, the party host can evict you at any time.

Super Team Deluxe’s Definitive Guide to House Party Etiquette was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

A lazy, bearded jerk

Like fish? We don’t either. We’ve dealt with rising water levels for some time now, and it’s time to punch these bubbly bushwackers back where it hurts: in the zoological gonads. That’s why we’ll be doing our part to offer earnest critique on the scaly squatters that will soon be taking over your home once this third rock from the sun becomes nothing more than a wetland.

Buckle up, kids, because this one’s a doozie. Wikipedia defines the tasseled scorpionfish as a “a carnivorous ray-finned fish with venomous spines” and, honestly that’s as far as I got before I bailed on reading about this spiny asshat.

Let’s just get this out of the way: the tasseled scorpionfish is a predator. It’s a master of disguise that lies in wait using camouflage to make others think it’s some sort of bearded intellectual. Then, while other fish approach it looking to discuss the merits of Empedocles, the tasseled scorpionfish lunges forward and just swallows them whole with little to no respect for the cosmogenic theory of the four classical elements. And it sucks, obviously.

Don’t even get me started on those “venomous” spines. Yeah, that’s right: They’re poisonous and they can kill, which sounds impressive until you remember that so can water if you drink enough of it. Big deal. Not only is that unimpressive, it’s downright useless. It’s not hard to see why most tasseled scorpionfish rarely sext and are literally no one’s favorite fish ever. In the past 5 years, there have been a whopping zero tasseled scorpionfish-themed calendars released in the US (unconfirmed) and it’s not hard to see why: because there’s literally nothing special about them.

Other names for the tasseled scorpionfish include “smallscale stingfish”, “tasseled goblinfish”, or “piss burglar”.

I would tell you more about the tasseled scorpionfish (because knowledge is obviously power), but I fear that talking more about it would inflate its massive ego and I can think of at least three other things I’d rather do. So let’s wrap this up.

Here are some unimpressive but painfully true facts about the tasseled scorpionfish:

• It can look like a rock.
• But a rock can look like a tasseled scorpionfish so is that really that hard?
• Tasseled scorpionfish are one of the larger members of the scorpionfish family and they always complain about low clearance on doorways.
• My cousin Shaun works at an Applebee’s and he told me that these fish are extremely shitty tippers.

That is literally all that there is to know about the tasseled scorpionfish, which clearly sucks. Any additional information isn’t to be trusted and should be assumed to be distributed intentionally and untruthfully by the scorpionfish itself. I’d strongly encourage you not to believe in the tasseled scorpionfish whatsoever, because believing only makes it so. And like most things, so long as you’re willing to close your eyes and ears, hum a little tune and pretend it doesn’t exist, it simply won’t.

In Summary: A big, pokey fish thing that is about as deadly as a water bottle. Avoid at all costs; particularly during mating season which is probably, like, never.

Super Team Deluxe™ Officially Reviews: The Tasseled Scorpionfish was originally published in Super Team Deluxe on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.