Port Adelaide chairman David Koch is reportedly ropeable after the AFL declined his request to unleash the tarps at crowd-less games.

The Power are eyeing off any opportunity possible to strangle a ‘home ground feeling’ and earmarked the tarps as key to that.

According to an unnamed source, Port heavyweights reportedly thought the tarps would instil into current players the ferocity of the Steven Salopek years of the club, viewed by many as the most dominant period in Port’s history.

However, after AFL head honchos declines the request on grounds of stupidity, the tarps will remain in their rightful place – covering Jacob Surjan’s BA Falcon.

The AFL has refused to comment.

Kochie Accuses AFL Of Tarp Bias After Request To ‘Dust Off Old Faithfuls’ For Crowd-Less Games Is… was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The AFL is set to handpick specific fans from each AFL club to add atmosphere to a crowd-less start to the 2020 season.

Head honchos have decided that they can’t go into the season with literally zero fans in attendance — outside of Gold Coast and North Melbourne games -and have already reached out to high profile ‘megafans’.

The GFP understands the AFL have already approached Joffa (Collingwood), Catman (Geelong), the bloke who blew up at Mickey O (West Coast), ‘Right In Front of Me’ (Adelaide), the cheeseboard flog (Melbourne), and the dude with the enormous blue, white and red mohawk (Bulldogs).

The GFP also understands the AFL has been in meltdown trying to decide which Essendon nuffy they’ll choose — with a talent pool of literally tens of thousands. Although Mark Robinson is predicted to be given the nod.

The selected fans will be stationed near effects mics around the ground with the hope of the mics picking up some top notch footy crowd banter, including, and not limited to: “He’s been doing it all day” (only applicable in first quarter for gags), “just kick it loooooong”, “dropping the ball!” (although that rule has not existed for over a decade) and “chewy on ya boot”.

AFL To Implement ‘Nuffy Placement Strategy’ To Add Atmosphere To Crowd-less Stadiums was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

By Tom Beers

The Sydney Sixers are set to play ‘the rain card’ ahead of tomorrow night’s BBL final against the Melbourne Stars.

‘The rain card’ is commonly played by local cricketers around the nation who want to get on the piss on a Friday night when rain forecast for the following day & a wash out is the most likely outcome.

With up to 90mm of rain predicted for Sydney tomorrow, Sixers captain Moises Henriques said that his side are delighted to start their celebrations early.

“The boys are a pretty stoked to get stuck in on Friday night,” the Spotify enthusiast told the press.

“The fact that you’re going to win a Big Bash title by default days in advance is pretty satisfying.

“The only downside is that Mad Monday seems miles away when you kick-start celebrations on Friday, but we’ll solider on.

“Steve O’Keefe started drinking on Wednesday.”

It is rumoured that Steve Smith is the only member of the squad who actually wants to play the game.

Sydney Sixers To Play ‘The Rain Card’ Ahead Of BBL Final was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Ben Simmons is now an all-star in two sports after a submission victory in his debut bout in the UFC.

The Philadelphia 76ers guard was taking part in a regulation NBA game when he decided halfway through the third quarter to enter the octagon with Minnesota Timberwolves big man Karl-Anthony Towns (KAT).

Many UFC pundits favoured KAT for the victory, with a 5cm and 11kg advantage over Australian native, but it was Simmons coming out on top with a submission victory after applying a textbook rear naked choke.

In his post-match interview with Joe Rogan, Simmons admitted he already has eyes on a bigger, better opponent.

“AD (Anthony Davis) I’m coming for you, mate!”

Ben Simmons Begins UFC Career With First Round Submission Victory Over Karl-Anthony Towns was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The West Coast Eagles are set to announce a lucrative sponsorship deal with energy drink company, Monster.

The news comes on the back of Eagles star Willie Rioli reportedly swapping a urine sample for ASADA with a cup of high-octane Monster Energy goodness.

After hearing reports of the cheeky shenanigans, Monster has decided to jump at the commercial opportunity.

“We see this as a MASSIVE opportunity for us,” a Monster spokesman said.

“Even bigger than sponsoring the V8 Supercars!

“To be fair, we’ve already peaked in that market anyway.”

The sponsorship will see Eagles fans provided with a free 6-pack of Monster Energy upon arrival at home games at Optus Stadium, which will see their booing levels elevate to New York Knicks territory.

West Coast Set To Announce Lucrative Sponsorship Deal With Monster Energy Drink was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

After reportedly testing positive for cocaine, Gold Coast ruckman Brayden Crossley has reportedly been hit with a lengthy sentence: four more years on Gold Coast’s list.

The 19-year-old is reportedly on a provisional ban after testing positive for cocaine before a NEAFL game earlier this season.

Sources suggest he has been hit hard by the overseeing bodies, and has been told he must play for the Suns for another four years.

Brayden Crossley Sentenced To Four More Years Of Playing For Gold Coast was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The AFL has admitted their shock at news AFL players have followed their lead and tried to stack their bank accounts with gambling profits.

Collingwood FC footballer Jaidyn Stephenson today copped a 10-game ban and $20,000 fine for placing bets on games he and his club featured in.

Stephenson self-reported his actions after feeling immense guilt – a move that has completely shocked the AFL.

“Guilt? Can you define that for us and use it in a sentence?” a bewildered AFL staffer said.

“We can’t believe he would admit to doing this.

“Just put your head in the sand and pretend you’ve haven’t done anything wrong, mate.

“Works for us!”

AFL Surprised They’re Not The Only One’s Trying To Profit From Gambling Money was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

St Kilda has strengthened their list on Monday by adding yet another Jack to their list.

Mayo became the eighth player on St Kilda’s list named Jack on Monday night, selected with pick eight in the 2019 mid-season rookie draft.

“You could say he’s added a little bit of, uh, what’s it…Jack to the list,” one St Kilda recruiting source said.

St Kilda Just Like Picking Blokes Named Jack Hey was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Former AFL player Rhys Palmer is reportedly facing a life ban from the racetrack after flinging a shoe at horses during a race on Friday.

Vision of a shoe being thrown onto the racetrack at Gloucester Park got traction on Friday night.

It is believed to be Palmer, as it missed the horses by some distance.

Nick Quinn on Twitter

2008 NAB rising star winner Rhys Palmer is likely to face a life ban from racetracks after he threw his shoes onto the track during Race 6 at Gloucester Park. Fortunately, no horses or drivers were injured. https://t.co/tn8wvXkute

Matt Nicholls on Twitter

Great to see Rhys Palmer enjoying his footy retirement. What a sad individual.

Steve Salter on Twitter

Who the hell throws a shoe mid race?! #disgrace https://t.co/SKn0I7q9lS

Rhys Palmer’s Failed Shoe Throw At Gloucester Park Proves He Still Can’t Hit A Target was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

You’re sitting in your car, bumper to bumper, every morning. Are you wondering why it’s taking about an extra 40 minutes to drive through the city these last few weeks?

And no, it’s not the Metro Tunnel…

Yep, it’s because the Formula 1 Rolex Australian Grand Prix is back!

So instead of sitting there staring at the rear end of that Hilux in front of you, here’s a quick pitstop for you to get back up to speed before the opening round of the 2019 F1 season and one of the best weekends on Melbourne sporting calendar.

Driver Changes

The off-season had the most changes in the driver market we’ve seen for quite some time. It started back in August when Daniel Ricciardo surprised the F1 landscape and decided to leave Red Bull after 5 years (and 7 wins if you don’t mind), and head to the ever-improving Renault F1 Team.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a ballsy move, and it certainly left many pundits scratching their heads. From then, it was a giant domino effect and the F1 “Silly Season” began. There were retirements, new contracts, new drivers, those who were left without a seat and those who were simply cut altogether. So, rather than explaining every single change, please refer to the following graph.

I hope you find it both informative and aesthetically pleasing.

Pre-Season Testing

From the 2 weeks of testing in Barcelona, 1 thing is clear. The cars are way more reliable than years gone by.

Mercedes pumped out 1,190 laps, almost 200 more than this time last year. In fact, all but 2 teams recorded more laps proving engine mileage has improved significantly. Testing didn’t come without its hiccups with plenty of drivers- including Sebastian Vettel and Red Bull newby Pierre Gasly- all crashing.

And let’s all spare a thought for Toro Rosso’s rookie Alex Albon, who’s in his first year in F1, crashed his brand-new car on his very first lap ever…gulp.

Lastly, the struggling Williams outfit were drastically under prepared and only made it to Barcelona halfway through. It’s going to be a long slog this year for the British team.

What does this season have in store?

Based on testing and thoughts from the drivers, its looking like Mercedes are under the most pressure they’ve had in the 5 years. They’ve pretty much done it their own way and taken everything in their stride for the best part of 100 races. Ferrari seem to have some great speed and mileage in the bank, to the point where Lewis Hamilton believes they are the team to catch. “Ferrari’s pace is very, very good at the moment. The challenge is going to be harder than ever.”

Honda seem to have a grasp on what it takes to be back in F1. After a year in the back end of the Toro Rosso, Red Bull now have them as an engine supplier and the engine reliability appears to have improved, with both teams combining for over 1,700 laps. A huge improvement on 2 years ago. Combining that with the Red Bull chassis, there is some optimism. We will know more on Saturday.

It will be a huge battle in the midfield this year, with Haas breathing down Renaults neck, McLaren looking to improve and Racing Point continuing to outperform their bigger spending rivals. Even Kimi in an Alfa Romeo could pull off some decent points in a race here or there. Any mistake in a race could be the difference between say 4thand 5th in the constructors, and a massive difference in prize money. Expect the gap between 4thand 9thto shorten this season.

And how about a feel-good story? Robert Kubica makes his return to the F1 grid for his first race since 2010. Kubica, who pretty much had a Ferrari contract in front of him, crashed while rally driving in 2011 and severed his arm. My advice…maybe don’t Google it.

Thinking his F1 career was over and spending the best part of 7 years in the wilderness (and being a reserve driver), Williams have thrown him a lifeline and given him a second chance. Back in 2010 he was bloody fast and consistently outperformed those around him in better cars.

His experience can hopefully mould George Russell in his debut season with the team, but as mentioned before, let’s not expect too much from Williams for the first 6 months at least.

And Danny Ric?

For Dan, it’s a case of taking 1 step back to go 2 steps forward.

Renault have been very open on where they see themselves on their journey back into F1, with their eyes set on race victories in 2020/ 21. If they snag a podium or 2 this year, it’ll be a massive win.

They may need a crazy race to achieve it (think Baku 2018) but if there is anyone to make the most of an opportunity, its Dan. He will bring plenty IP from Red Bull which can only help, and we love nothing more than a good underdog story. The target for him would be 6thin the Drivers’ Championship and keeping Renault ahead of the others in the midfield.

On a side note, he also wants as much yellow in the stands at the Australian Grand Prix as possible, but lets just keep the Richmond guernsey’s to a minimum thanks…

So, in conclusion…

If it wasn’t for a few errors, (nearly all of which were his own doing- especially in Germany) Sebastian Vettel could have pushed Lewis Hamilton further last season and had a decent crack at the Championship, but Hamilton was simply unstoppable toward the back end of the year.

On the other hand, Hamilton’s teammate, Valtteri Bottas is the driver who faces the most pressure this year. He has all the gear to win, and last year, he didn’t and was referred to as “A great wingman” for Hamilton. Esteban Ocon, who was left without a seat this year, is waiting in the wings to take his seat in 2020.

Finally, 2019 needs to be Ferrari’s year. They dumped Kimi Raikkonen who was a consistent podium scorer and even won a race last year, for young gun Charles Leclerc. They also dumped the Team Principal after 4 years. Perhaps it’s a case of high risk, high reward? Or is it desperate times calling for desperate measures?

Regardless, if Seb can keep his car on the road, Ferrari should finally win their first title of any kind since 2008.

It’s been a long decade for the team who regard themselves as an F1 powerhouse.

The Formula 1 Rolex Australian Grand Prix. March 14- 19 2019

An Idiot’s Guide To The Rolex Australian Grand Prix was originally published in The Greenfield Post on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.