I was up half of the night. For a lot of reasons, my mind was unsettled, and I was uncomfortable. Life will bring you so many unexpected situations that you don’t ask for. This can be overwhelming by the sheer weight of the load weighing down your shoulders. This has been happening to me.

Do you remember Job? The man who was genuinely good, and so the devil told God, he’s only good because of everything he has, take that away, and I’m sure he will curse you. So God allowed the devil to test Job’s faith. He lost everything accept his life. But still he did not curse God.

God gave him back more than he lost in the end, though I can’t imagine just ‘replacing’ some of the things he lost.

The first thing I think about this story is Job’s suffering. We all suffer. Some more than others. In Job’s case, he did not play a part in his own suffering. It was a test.

When my mom had lymphadema in her arm, the pain was unbearable. Then she was sick with breast cancer a second time, and it was incurable. She did treatments for 9 months that 2nd round before they put her on hospice at home. I was home with her throughout that time on FMLA from my job. My mom was a pure hearted person. Loved God, loved her kids. She loved my dad, but after a hard-fought 23 years, he left.

I member her quoting a verse from Job to me when she was sick. ‘Though he slay me, yet will I serve him.” That statement has never left me my whole life.

I have been without my mom since I was 28 years old. That has been hard. I was always strong willed, but the baby of the family, and my mom was a lifeline in my young life. A source of strength, wisdom and support.

Sometimes, I feel like our stories intersect in some ways, but not in all ways. A lot of pain in my life came first from circumstances beyond my control, but then I tried to fight battles in my own strength. Learning lessons the hard way. Sometimes, it feels like life’s trials are on repeat until I learn and finally find my way out of the maze.

Yesterday I found out my car needs a new motor. In my job, I drive all day with clients in the community. It’s how I pay my bills. I did want a change, but not this way. I am sorting out possible solutions, but my stress levels are high.

And something I have learned the hard way is that good intentions are fluff. I live in survival mode a lot of the time. But is that actually living? What is it going to take to surrender, and enough is enough? I do work hard every day. I am running on fumes. But some things need to change before they can get better. The first is to say, "I am sorry if I bled on you in my pain”. I never wanted to ever do that to anyone, let alone anyone I love. I don’t ever want to do that again.

Someone recommended to me that I fast. That has always been a hard one for me. It requires a certain level of extreme discomfort. Hunger, pain. Discipline. I push it off as something for another time, but maybe that’s what it takes. To get on my knees, fast, pray. Be more disciplined, and trust God to reveal the greater purpose. If and when I do this I will find a way to express how it went.

In the meantime, the steps coming are going to be hard-fought one way or another. Yes, I am tired. But I know God is with me. That will make all the difference.

Be blessed, stay blessed. Sending love and light.

Beyond Tired was originally published in The Shalom Sentinel on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

We all have our struggles in life. One struggle more common than most is anxiety, and it shows up differently for everyone. Still, there are some common threads that weave themselves through the experiences of many.

Anxiety can look like putting off for tomorrow what you can do now.

It can sound like:

How am I going to tackle this project?

What if I get it wrong?

I want to do this, but can’t seem to make it happen.

What if I try again and it doesn’t work?

How can I do this alone?

There are things that we tell ourselves before getting started on a project or goal that can keep us stuck. Often, many of us have a voice in our minds that can talk us out of accomplishing what we want to do, even before we start. It comes from lived experience. Sometimes, it is the sound of a familiar voice, not our own, like a parent or a friend. One that may be causing us to question our own capabilities. Or it can be shaped by our past failures. Things that didn’t go well for us in the past. So, how do we respond when this voice comes to crowd out determination or the desire to take steps to make positive change in our lives?

This is when we need to ask, what do I really want?

What is listening to the voice of doubt really doing for me? Success stories are written not by past experience but by a choice to do something and an action taken to follow through. So we need to decide, am I going to talk myself out of success, or am I going to take one step, followed by another? Starting and staying consistent no matter what can be the groundwork for positive change in our lives. So don’t let the anxiety of doubt keep you rooted in the past, in possibility, rather than giving yourself permission to try.

Anxiety can look like shutting down.

Have you ever felt completely overwhelmed by a circumstance and retreated? When emotions take over, and we don’t know what to do with them, we can look for a place within ourselves where it feels safe and make our inner home there. This can look like saying no to anything more than what has to be done. Standing still, mentally and physically frozen in place, disappearing, because everything feels too much.

We may tell ourselves No. That we are taking a break until we feel better. But without realizing it, we stop moving forward.

We may want to sleep more, eat more or less than usual, and increase unhealthy habits like smoking or drinking as a method to cope, or to numb those emotions that feel out of control.

So, how do we handle stress in a healthier way? We can do this by staying connected to positive support. By resting if we need to, but not so much that we are escaping reality. By staying accountable. Making a mental list of a few things we can do daily to stay in the game. For instance, I am going to eat 3 healthy meals today. I am going to do one healthy physical activity such as going for a walk, stretching, going to the gym, or just getting outside and feeling the warmth of the sun.

You decide, I am going to take steps, slow but steady, to take care of my mental, spiritual, and physical well-being each day.

Anxiety can look like self doubt.

Have you ever told yourself you aren’t enough? That you don’t deserve something? That good things are for others but not for you?

Again, voices that can crowd our minds may feel trustworthy, or like self awareness, but in reality, they are anything but. They can be self sabotage, or a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What do we do with this?

Ask, is this a voice of truth? Why shouldn’t I deserve good things?

If you pay attention, you can reset the voice in your head to be more optimistic. You can see things from a clearer vantage point.

You deserve good things in life, just like everybody else. You are capable of having good things. You can accomplish what you set out to do. Sometimes, we have to rewire our brains to respond to things differently in order to not count ourselves out. Replace the negative with the positive, as Pitbull once said, to bring balance to our perspective.

What do you do when anxiety causes physical sickness?

Sometimes, anxiety feels like panic. Recently, I was talking with a family member about situations that happened to me when I was young. For example, feeling like I physically could not speak out in class, almost passing out while attempting to do a speech in speech class, getting run into in a field hockey game by a member of the opposing team, and literally not being able to breathe.

Anxiety can physically look like nausea, restlessness, rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, feeling dizzy.

When these physical symptoms take over, the best thing you can do is ground yourself. Check your senses. Find three things around you and connect with them. Like, what do I see? I see a blue lamp with a white shade. I see a painting on the wall.

What do I hear? I hear music on my smart phone, I hear the sound of children playing and talking. I hear the hum of a spinning fan overhead.

What do I feel?

I feel the ground beneath my feet, I feel the cushion of the chair beneath me. I feel the breeze coming through the window.

Grounding can really help. This practice can take your mind off of panic and onto something less overwhelming and more tangible until you start to feel calm again. Also, deep breaths in through your nose, out through your mouth, can

help to calm the physical feelings of anxiety.

Lastly, if anxiety continues to take control of your physical well-being, there is nothing wrong with medication that can adjust the serotonin and dopamine levels in your brain.

Please know you are in this with a lot of us, and paying attention to your body, mind, and spirit in order to maintain a sense of calm in circumstance is important. And you are worth taking these small steps to experiencing a more peaceful life.

What Anxiety can Look Like was originally published in The Shalom Sentinel on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Sometimes our lives are anything but a likely story. Mine started in a city in Illinois outside of Chicago. The journey I have been on since has had all kinds of unexpected twists. Gratefully, in spite of the roller coaster I have been on, God shows up everywhere I am.

So, what about you? Has your story so far been predictable? If I had to guess, I would say probably not. We all have a journey to take in this life, and one thing we cannot reasonably do is predict the future with any certainty. The certainty that I have is about God, not me. I still do things each day that surprise me. I question myself, asking ‘how did this happen?’ ‘why can’t I seem to get this right?’ And other times, I am wondering why the things that come back to me are so confusing. I am going to address that in a minute…

But if you have been feeling this way at all lately, you are not alone. For me, my faith is a guiding force that brings me back to the path I should be on. Whether I know where it leads, or who is traveling it with me, I know that God will be there. He has never walked away. So we are going to tackle this thing called life together. That gives me peace in the middle of chaos.

So back to the confusing things that come back to me..what do I mean by this? It sounds confusing in and of itself! Exactly what I am saying. Confusion doesn’t just start out of nowhere. If I am unsure of my decisions and choices, unsure of myself, and others, confusion will be the energy that comes back to me.

Sometimes in life I have thrown out all kinds of confusing signals unintentionally, just by being unsure of a dynamic, not trusting my gut, not believing in those that were there to support me. And this did not come from nowhere. Again, there is a reciprocity in the circumstances of life.

Those of us that have been let down enough by those we trusted with our lives and hearts learn not to trust anyone with those things the way we once did. As a result, our energy may be all about self-protection, not being sure, questioning. And that is not a good foundation for any relationship, whether friendship or something more. Everything in us may want all of the good things and may feel all of the good things for those we are choosing to love. But if we have not dealt with the past hurts that have shaped the current version of who we are, we are putting that negative energy into every good thing that comes to us. And in turn, those things end up flooded with confusion.

It is like a dance that no one wants to be in, where you are not in sync and you don’t have your rhythm and you can’t hear the music. Instead, it just sounds like noise. And that is what it becomes. Confusion and noise.

So how do we avoid this pitfall of causing confusion in our own lives and the lives of those we love and who love us? It will take admitting that we are a big part of our problems. That is not something anyone likes to admit. It is easy to say that we are victims and the things that happen to us are someone else’s fault. Sometimes, that is legitimately the case, but a lot of times, we are to blame in some ways.

Once we take ownership of our own stuff, then we have to really take a look at the ‘whys’ of our own actions, and realize that some of it is going to need serious change and that is going to have to come from within. Because nobody else is going to hold a mirror in front of us and say, this is what you are doing, and this is why it is not working.

For me, writing can be a great way of doing this. My fingers on the keyboard can tell me some things that I really need to hear. Journaling also works. Another way of sorting out your inner demons is to talk to people you really trust. Family, a close friend. Someone who you know will listen and tell it to you straight. And if you don’t have a person that fits that description, then seek counsel. There is wisdom in counsel. And sometimes someone who is unbiased to your situation is the best person to talk with. Take notes, either mentally or literally. And don’t get defensive. Sit with it. Ponder it. Make use of it. Because trusted loved ones truly want to see you succeed with no strings attached. You might as well let them be a part of the process.

Owning your life and your choices and how they impact your decisions and relationships and future is a powerful thing. If life is not bringing you the things that you want and desire, get in front of a mirror in one way or another and really take a look at what you are doing that may be causing some of the confusion in your life. All it can do is bring more clarity, and with more clarity comes more peace, and hopefully a chance at not sabotaging the good things that are coming into our lives.

A likely Story was originally published in The Shalom Sentinel on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I enjoy my sleep. But some nights I wake up midway through the night, wide awake and dreaming. Thinking, searching. Unable to close my eyes.

This is one of those nights.

When I was young, my mother would say, when this happens, pray.

Those were wise words from a wiser woman. There is so much I could still learn from her if she were here.

Honestly, my prayer life is starting to lag. My ADHD moments kick in, and my prayer focus is sometimes short-lived. I find myself tossing up quick prayers when people cross my mind. Or quick requests for myself in the form of God help me’s.

So tonight, let this be my prayer🙏:

Dear Heavenly Father,

God of understanding, God of compassion, thank you for loving me.

Thank you for the things in life that stay and for those that go away.

Thank you for your word, that stirs in my mind, when all I seek is truth to find.

Lord, thank you for seeing me and not looking away.

Thank you that you still love the person I am today as much as yesterday.

Please fill me with your Holy Spirit,

fill every corner of my heart with your fruit.

Clothe me in pure forgiveness,

wash me with truth.

Hold me when the tears rush down,

lift me up, adjust my crown.

God be my father and mother on this lonely journey.

Tell me that calm comes after the fury.

Create a clean heart within,

wash and cleanse me from the deepest sin.

Help me to fall at your feet,

and rise from the moments of defeat.

God, please be with those I love,

past present and future,

give them peace, a touch of

your nature.

Plant in them purpose and provide protection,

give them a sense of clear direction.

For those struggling with addictions and sickness,

for those in need of mental fitness,

for any who suffer alone,

for those seeking the comfort of home.

Please care for all of their needs,

give them your peace, I plead.

Help them to always know they are loved,

and held by the heavens and God above.

That you are not stranger to their pain,

that you don’t look on them with disdain.

Help them to see your light in each day,

help them to live in a joyful way.

Hold us all in the palm of your hand.

Give us the daily strength to stand.

Help us to see we don’t stand alone,

help us to kneel before your throne,

to find grace and mercy in every day,

Dear Lord always make a way.

Help us to trust you with our sorrows.

Help us today and tomorrow.

Thank you for every good thing you’ve done.

Thank you for the Father, the Spirit and the Son.

God we give you our hearts and souls.

Please keep us warm from the cold.

Give us faith no matter the questions.

provide the wisdom and spare the lesson.

Now as I say again, goodnight,

Never let us leave your sight.

Wake us with a newfound light,

May the morning be blessed and bright.

In Jesus' mighty name,

Amen. 🙏🙏🙏

Good night.

When the Quiet Wakes you was originally published in The Shalom Sentinel on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Let’s say I know a few things about being in recovery. Am I an addict? No, not the way you may think. But I have family that are, and I also relate to individuals in this cycle. I have allowed myself to make impulsive decisions, to seek after something that is going to fill the void or heal the brokenness in me. Whether that be a hope for true love or even a bad habit like smoking cigarettes that keeps creeping back into my daily routine.

And, I have been through the cycle of addiction with my son for 2 years now. A lot has changed with him, and he is dependent on chemically altering his outlook on what has otherwise been too much for him to manage on his own.

And now I work in a recovery program. Everyday I talk with people who struggle with addiction.

I know what to advise them and what to suggest or encourage in order to begin to make healthier decisions, but somehow my own health and well being I push aside.

This is not new to me, but really caring about myself, and to be present to my needs and to seek after healthy solutions and seek the source of all (my God) for true healing is something that I put on the back burner.

You know the phrase, do as I say, not as I do? That is me in some respects.

Somewhere along the line I learned a belief that I wasn’t good enough to actually have what I want in life.

When I was young, things were volatile in our house. I was the sweet, shy little girl that felt everything. And I hoped for things quietly that I never knew first hand. It became a pattern with me of quietly hoping.

I saw my mom, who was very strong, make decisions out of duty to God, doing the right thing, at the expense of herself. She had a lot of pain in her life. I said I would never repeat the same life choices that she did.

And then I got married.

Let’s just say it wasn’t anything I expected. And over time I lost who I was for a while. I lost that strong determination and feeling of value that said I would never put up with the BS. And I did.

I started to think I was incapable of doing things well. That is what I had been told by the person I vowed to love forever.

Eventually, I started sticking up for myself, and this created a divide that grew worse over time. But I still stayed, just like my mom did.

Until the vows made to me were broken. Then I made a decision to break free from the cycle I was caught in.

If I thought things would be easier for me on my own, I was mistaken.

The last 2 years have been really hard for me. My finances have struggled. I have been battling addiction in my son. I have been losing the battle, enabling, relocating.

But just as the saying goes, everywhere you go you take yourself with you. So the problems continued.

I will never escape myself, and so I find myself caught on a hampster wheel.

There are things I have tried to fix, and essentially started overlooking.

Some things will never change unless you face them head on. And I have been overlooking things in my life that need attention.

Like taking care of your body, and your health, if you do nothing, things don’t just stay the same, they actually progressively get worse.

So my insecurities and failures as a human being I hid behind a sweet smile, a giving spirit, a willingness to help.

But I still find myself tripping over that giant ferris wheel of my life moving me in a perpetual circle, never forward.

I have thrown my heart into things, hoping something outside of myself could make me whole or fix my brokenness. Only God can do that.

So I really do understand what addiction is about first hand. Many of us are seeking that something that will numb the pain, make us feel really happy again, and fill up that void inside. But God is the only one who can do that for us, truly. Nothing else ever will. Like they say, you can’t pour from an empty glass. And so you can’t love and care for others the way you should if you are not caring for yourself.

Eventually you will come up empty.

So I am learning that I need recovery in my life. I need to pay attention to what I have been ignoring in myself.

To seek after the healing that God has been wanting to give me for so long.

I also need to make the best choices for my son, even if it hurts, so that I can watch him heal and grow into the young man God wants him to be.

Sometimes, stepping back is necessary. That is hard for a mother to do. It is scary.

It is OK for me to know I don’t have all the answers. I have to trust the one who does. He wants to see good for me, for my son, and for everyone.

It is a daily process to trust and have faith in what we cannot see. To believe in something bigger than ourselves, and know God’s love is greater than anything else. We just have to trust him and put it all in his hands, one day at a time, one step at a time.