Tom opens a brothel. In his parents’ house.

The Oldest Profession

You know the drill. Parents are outta town, boy throws a party, hilarity ensues, house gets trashed, and then, magically, cleaned up, with just seconds to spare before boy gets grounded for life. We saw a lot of these flicks in the ‘80s, but Risky Business kicked it up a notch with TRANNIES and HOOKERS and GUNS, oh my! And, of course, that scene that made Tom a star. Let’s just get that out of the way right now.

What a total badass, huh? Anyway, let’s move on.

TCP Score — 4.5 Mavericks

Tom just can’t seem to get away from those prostitutes! Luckily, this film is a hell of a lot better than Losin’ It, with great dialogue and performances by fellow future-stars Rebecca De Mornay, Joe Pantoliano, Bronson Pichot (yeah, Balki!), and Curtis Armstrong (yeah, Booger!).

How You Can Watch

This one is available on DVD from Netflix.

Film Stats

The Color of Money: With a $6.2 million budget, this film raked in a cool $63 million at the box office. Not bad for director Paul Brickman’s first film.

All the Right Moves: Risky Business received excellent reviews and is “considered by many as one of the best films of 1983.” (Wikipedia)

Tom Stats

Risky Business: This was Tom’s big, breakout role, but it might never have been. During filming for The Outsiders, director Francis Ford Coppola was impressed by Tom’s performance and offered him a supporting role in his next film, Rumble Fish. Tom had already read the script for Risky Business, and he took a big chance turning down the already famous director to work on Brickman’s first film.

Losin’ It: Tom and costar Rebecca De Mornay had real on- and off-screen … chemistry, and ended up dating for over a year. According to people on the set, the love scene on a Chicago L train was the real deal.

Top Gun: Tom was nominated for a Golden Globe award for his role!

Help me, help you … avoid spoilers!

If you’ve already seen it, or just plain don’t give a shit, I’ve included a plot summary below.

Just Your Everyday Suburban Rich Kid

Tom is that kid you love to hate. He’s a dweeby senior in high school and lives with his parents in a huge house in the ‘burbs outside of Chicago. What a dick. Anyway, much as you want to hate him, he does get the movie started with a fantasy about walking in on a hot girl in the shower … nice work, Tom. He also apparently is best friends with Balki Bartokomous and Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, so maybe he’s actually totally fucking awesome. Booger gets awesome right away. He’s the bad influence on good-natured Tom. He explains his philosophy rather eloquently:

Every now and then, say, ‘What the fuck.’ ‘What the fuck,’ gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.

Booger’s gonna make sure Tom takes advantage of the fact that:

The Parents Are Going Out of Town

Tom’s parents are getting packed for a week-long trip. Tom’s mom throws out this great line: “Honey, did you pack my Mace?” To which Tom’s dad replies, “Yes, in your cosmetic kit.” Parents are weird. Anyway, mom and dad give Tom some cash and strict instructions not to mess with the stereo or dad’s Porsche. This is called foreshadowing. When they leave, Tom fixes himself a nice candle-lit dinner for one (lame), and enjoys some whiskey and coke and Bob Seger no-pants dancing (see above). It’s a fucking party.

Tom Loses All His Money To A Trannie Hooker

Tom is hanging out with Balki and getting deep. He wants to accomplish something, not just make lots of money. Randomly, Tom’s other buddy just shows up with his girlfiend, wanting to borrow a room. Tom and Balki are just sexually frustrated virgins, so they split in Dad’s porsche. Do a little racin’. Booger returns, and he’s not satisfied. Lets get weird. Sex dungeon. Call a hooker. Just for jokes. Like I said, Booger is totally awesome.

Tom’s just hanging out. Studying. All of a sudden. She shows up. OK, he shows up. Turns out the hooker Booger called earlier is a very tall, black transvestite. Anyway, after taking all Tom’s money, she takes pity on him and gives Tom the number for Lana. After another wet dream (inspired by the trannie hooker?), Tom goes for it. He calls Lana. LAANAAA!!

LANA

Another dream. Lana dream. Hot. Bangin’ on the stairs. And the chair. Nice!

Huh. Not a dream? Lana is still there the next morning and she wants $300. Shit. Since he just gave all his money to the, er … other hooker, he runs out to scrounge up some dough. He sells grandma’s baby bond, but Lana steals mom’s expensive crystal egg instead. Shit.

Shit Gets Real

Despite having had some epic sex in exchange for a shitty egg, Tom is pretty pissed at Booger now. Booger, being a badass, tells Tom it’s his fault for taking his advice. Tom goes out to find this hooker and his mom’s egg (now that I’m writing it out, it does seem kinda weird, right?). Anyway, he stumbles across Lana in a restaurant and confronts her about the egg. At this point, Guido, Lana’s pimp, shows up with a gun and Lana escapes with Tom in the Porsche back to the suburbs.

Lana is gonna stay for a few days, but Tom still has to go to school. He shows up late and gets locked out of his midterms. He’s pretty fucked. Tom tries to get pushy with the school nurse after she refuses to give him a medical excuse, which gets him suspended and even more fucked. And when he gets back home, he finds out Lana invited over a friend. Now he’s got two hookers, no cash, no egg, and no future.

And then Guido shows up.

Shit Gets … Realer

Tom has proceeded a long way down the path from straight-laced dweeb to brothel-running badass. At this point, I’d say he’s at about 75% on the Badass-O-Meter, so when Guido is causing a scene in the front yard with the hookers, Tom struts right up in his jean shorts (he does love him some jorts) and tells him to kick rocks. Guido realizes he’s a bit out of his scene here in the ‘burbs and takes off.

At this point Tom and the hookers are besties, and Lana gets the idea to throw a party at Tom’s parents’ place. She’ll invite all her hooker friends for one big suburban sex night before mom and dad come home. She’ll even be his “girlfriend” for the rest of the week. Tom is a little hesitant (still only 75%), so she “accidentally” shifts gears in the Porsche and sends it rolling into a lake. Tom lays on top of it for a second, but apparently this is not enough to stop it, and it goes straight into the lake. Shit!

Tom Gets Down To Business

Now Tom’s completely fucked, and Lana’s idea is sounding pretty decent. With his portion of the proceeds, he should be able to fix the car. The party is on and business is booming. Too bad this is also the night Tom was supposed to have his interview with the Princeton recruiter. SHIT! Tom tells him he’d like to major in “business” and tries to distract him from the blatant degradation of women going on all around him. The hookers are showing all these local boys just how wild the city girls can get, and the recruiter is looking pretty displeased.

What he doesn’t realize is that at this point Tom has reached 100% on the Badass-O-Meter and doesn’t give a shit. Tom says, “You know Bill, one thing I’ve learned in all of my years, is sometimes you gotta say, what the fuck.”

Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems

For whatever reason Tom and Lana go celebrate by fucking on the L train. The other people on the train don’t seem to have any problem with this. It’s pretty fucking badass. Tom’s got a shitload of cash even after paying for the car, and he’s feeling great. Too bad Guido and Lana’s friends stole everything out of the house while he was gone. Tom ends up giving Guido all the extra money in exchange for his parents’ furniture and that dumb fucking egg. Oh well, at least he learned how to be a badass.

So How Was Business?

Everything wraps up nice and neat—Guido and the hookers take off and mom and dad come back just moments after Tom gets all the furniture back inside. Mom’s pissed about a tiny crack in the egg (what is THAT supposed to mean?), so Tom has to rake the yard, but otherwise he gets off scot free. Oh, and the Princeton guy turns out to love him some hookers, so Tom gets in to Princeton, too. Right at the end, we get the final score: $8000 in one night. Not bad. I guess. I mean, it was a completely unsustainable venture, dependent on the degradation and objectification of multiple human beings, in total violation of multiple statutes and ordinances, in a location entrusted to Tom and used without consent all for the purpose of shameless personal enrichment, but hey. It was a pretty decent haul. Nice work, Tom!

Tom. Now 100% more badass.

About The Tom Cruise Project

As with any great idea, this one started over beers. I’m at a bar and my buddy tells me he’s watching Tom Cruise movies. Not some. All. Every Tom Cruise movie in existence, in chronological order. Whoah. Just the sound of that, right? So I stole the idea. I know, what a dick.

Anyway, I’m gonna watch ‘em all and tell you what I think. That was my idea, this blog—The Tom Cruise Project. Tom’s 40th film came out this year, so this is going to be quite a journey.

You can drop comments onto any paragraph in any of the posts by clicking on the green box that appears to the right. They won’t be public until I allow them, but write anything you want. I won’t be heavy on the censor.

I’ll see you at the Top Gun party.

Risky Business (1983) was originally published in The Tom Cuise Project on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Tom does a sex romp with a pair of cougars in Tijuana.

Who’s Up For Gettin’ Some Hookers in TJ?

So this is an … interesting one. Apparently in the early 80's it was, like, 100% cool for high school kids to drive across the border, get wasted and bang some prostitutes in a sad whorehouse in Mexico. Hilarious, right? So, yeah, Tom pairs up with his pals Spider (Cougar from Top Gun), Dave (that creepy guy who played Freddy Krueger and Rorschach in Watchmen), and some kid named Wendell, and the whole gang hits the road to make men out of themselves. Along the way, they pick up Shelley Long (Cougar #2), get in trouble with the federales, and cause quite a ruckus. It’s supposed to be a knee-slapping laugh riot, but honestly it’s just pretty fucking terrible.

TCP Rating: 1 Maverick

Within the first few seconds of the opening theme song, you can tell this is going to be pretty bad. Tom’s friend Freddy Krueger is way too creepy to bring the comic relief, and Shelley Long should have stayed at the bar with Sam Malone, but there are some redeeming scenes with her and Tom, and Tom finally fixed those terrible teeth. One Maverick.

How You Can Watch

I bought a copy for $8.88 on Amazon. My guess is you aren’t desperate to add this one to the Blu-ray collection. Well, you’re in luck—this can be streamed entirely on YouTube (for now).

Film Stats

If you’re a child of the 80's like me, you might be thinking, haven’t I seen a movie like this one before? Well, yeah. This is another obvious Porky’s ripoff. Porky’s came out in 1981 and was actually successful. This one … wasn’t. Some years later, somebody said fuck it, and just released it as “Porki 3" in Brazil because, honestly, why the hell not?

Tom Stats

The teeth. Tom finally got those fixed. Now’s he’s just another dickhead Soc. Here’s a before and after:

Nice work, Tom. Eesh.

Help me, help you … avoid spoilers!

If you’ve already seen it, or just plain don’t give a shit, I’ve included a plot summary below.

Just Some Good Ol’ Boys, Lookin’ For Love

The guys are in high school and super desperate to get some. Tom is a major dweeb. Freddy Kreuger is supposed to be the funny one, but he’s way too creepy to pull it off. Cougar is just some dude. For absolutely no reason, there is a Star Wars reference—“A LONG TIME AGO, IN A HIGH SCHOOL NOT SO FAR AWAY”—right after the opening credits. This is never mentioned again.

After telling everyone they know that they’re on their way to TJ to see the donkey show, the gang saves Cougar from gym class and hits the road in Freddy Krueger’s badass convertible. It’s Tom, Cougar, Krueger, and Krueger’s little brother, Wendell. Wendell is some sort of dealer and has a big wad of cash. Cue the road music: next stop, manhood!

The Gang Randomly Acquires Shelley Long

The Gang suddenly has a fierce need for munchies. They stop at a roadside market and find shop manager Shelley Long arguing with a guy who kinda looks like Mark Hamil. Being assholes, they totally take advantage of Shelley’s distractedness and steal tons of snacks. Meanwhile Shelley is telling fake Mark Hamil that she’s had enough, she’s going to get a divorce. Now that she has asserted her self-reliant, confident, feminist side, she promptly jumps into the car with Tom and the Gang because (a) she doesn’t seem to have a car or any way to actually support herself, and (b) this is the early 80's and all women are still helpless, flighty, and quite a bit crazy. Good thing these upstanding gentlemen showed up to save her.

“I don’t need you any more fake Mark Hamil! I’ve got these four high school boys on their way to TJ to see a donkey show and patronize degraded and marginalized foreign prostitutes with me, and I’m going to be just fine! Hey, what the fuck, did you little bastards just steal a bunch of shit from my store?”

The Gang finds some hookers.

We now enter the “everything is awesome” portion of the movie. The Gang plus Shelley arrives in TJ and immediately confirms multiple stereotypes regarding our neighbors to the south: prostitutes are everywhere and super happy to see strapping American youth, the locals are poor, the federales are corrupt, but everyone is still having a great time. Shelley runs off like a crazy bird to find a divorce, and Tom, Cougar, and Krueger manage to leave Wendell guarding the car. They hit the streets looking like this:

Just in case you’ve somehow forgotten, we are again reminded that the boys are here to do it. Yes, it. For the first time.

There is now open discussion of selecting a prostitute for Tom. Fairly creepy. In a matter of minutes, the Gang meets some not-very-hot prostitutes at a bar. These girls trick the Gang into heading upstairs, where they see the actual, much less hot prostitutes they will be choosing from. Think Golden Girls meets National Geographic. No one said becoming a man would be easy. Being assholes, Cougar and Krueger give Tom first choice, and he promptly selects a woman who looks like she could be his grandmother. Wow. Dude’s into older women. Got it.

Now we see what Shelley Long is up to: wandering the streets. Fearless. On her own! Who needs a man?! She tosses her wedding ring into a fountain and then has to save it from being immediately stolen by locals. Soaking wet, she realizes that this is still the early 80's and, according to Hollywood, yes she does still need a man. Well done, Shelley.

Back at the whorehouse. Tom’s getting molested by the old lady. Thank god, he’s backing out (wuss). Turns out Cougar backed out too. They’re both at the bar making excuses when Shelley comes in. Little bit of acting here. Not bad, Cougar and Tom. Cougar punches Tom. Right in the damn neck. Tom’s all pissed off and crying. Shelley consoles.

The Gang Splits Up

So Freddy Krueger turns out to be the only one who actually banged a prostitute. That seems about right, since he’s a shameless creep. Anyway, Tom and Shelley are off pouting, and Cougar wandered off into the streets, so the Gang is all split up. In Tijuana. What could possible go wrong?

Shelley’s drinking tequila shots with Tom on the beach. Dancing. Shelley’s gonna steal it. Out of nowhere there’s an overly-dramatic anti-marijuana message. Next step is heroine, you know. OK anyway Tom and Shelly got a really small room. It’s time. Are they gonna? … Yep. They’re gonna.

Is Tom even 18? This could be statutory.

Enough Fun. Welcome to Mexico.

Cougar gets thrown in jail for starting a brawl with some Navy bros at a bar. After getting tossed into a cell with a couple dozen other dudes, some giant Merle throws him against the concrete wall. He’s out. The movie starts getting pretty dark … and much more interesting from this point on.

Tom and Shelly show up to bail (bribe) Cougar out of jail, but they can’t afford it. The corrupt federale offers to let him go only in exchange for Freddy Krueger’s car. Meanwhile, Cougar gets some new cellmates. Merle saves Cougar from getting his ass kicked by the Navy bros. Thanks, Merle.

The Gang Learns About Multiculturalism

OK, so during this time, Freddy Krueger and Wendell have been wandering around getting into their own mess. Freddy Krueger has managed to piss off some Mexi-bros by treating one of their sisters like another prostitute he’d like to … er, solicit. In return, the Mexi-bros are scaring the shit out of Freddy Krueger. Specifically, they’re threatening to sear off his manhood with a blowtorch. Pretty intense dialogue here. “You Americans come here to do things you wouldn’t do in your own country. You think we’re dirty because this town is dirty. Well, this isn’t our town, this is your town. Without you, and people like you, there’d be no Tijuana.” Wendell somehow saves the day by stealing the Mexi-bros’ car.

Escape From Mexico

The Gang is reunited, but now Freddy Krueger finds out Tom offered his car in exchange for Cougar. That’s obviously not going to happen, so they jump the federale instead and make a run for it. The Mexi-bros show up again, and everyone gets into a cheesy high speed chase through town and to the border. They got across, and now Shelley’s husband shows up. Since it’s the early 80's, she caves. One last makeout with Tom though.

The Gang stops at a diner just across the border. Predictably, the Navy bros show up. We’re done with the dark part of the movie, so this turns into a knee-slapping, food-throwing diner brawl. The super shitty theme song comes back, and Wendell shrugs it out to finish the film. Finally.

About The Tom Cruise Project

As with any great idea, this one started over beers. I’m at a bar and my buddy tells me he’s watching Tom Cruise movies. Not some. All. Every Tom Cruise movie in existence, in chronological order. Whoah. Just the sound of that, right? So I stole the idea. I know, what a dick.

Anyway, I’m gonna watch ‘em all and tell you what I think. That was my idea, this blog—The Tom Cruise Project. Tom’s 40th film came out this year, so this is going to be quite a journey.

You can drop comments onto any paragraph in any of the posts by clicking on the green box that appears to the right. They won’t be public until I allow them, but write anything you want. I won’t be heavy on the censor.

I’ll see you at the Top Gun party.

Losin’ It (1983) was originally published in The Tom Cuise Project on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Tom gets angsty with a fake tattoo and a bad attitude.

Welcome to Tulsa

Do you love 80's teen heartthrobs like Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze? Of course you do. Do you think hangin’ out with Tom, Matt Dillon, Emilio Estevez, and the Karate Kid would be totally freakin’ awesome? Hell yeah you do! Too bad you’re wrong. It is NOT awesome. Life in Tulsa is rough when you’re an Outsider.

The Greasers

Tom’s third film is some sort of teen angst drama, set in Tulsa in the 60's. It’s pretty straightforward—all the cool actors pretend to be ugly and poor and bitter. They’re called the Greasers. They love going to the drive-in and pulling up skirts, switch blade combs, underage drinking, and smoking cigarettes. Pretty fucking cool, right? They look like this:

Those Dickhead Socs

All the no-name asshole actors pretend to be rich and happy and awesome. They’re called the Socs. This is pronounced “sOsh-es” (/soʊˈʃəz/), and is short for Socials. So that’s dumb, but whatever, I guess it was in the book. Oh yeah, this is based on a book. Anyway, the Greasers and the Socs hate each other and get into fights. It’s like West Side Story, except you don’t have to sit through any singing or dancing. Oh, and there’s some bullshit poetry, but we’ll get to that.

TCP Rating—Two Mavericks

The Outsiders earned just one Maverick for taking a pretty awesome plot and making it cheesy as hell, but then Tom does a backflip off a car, which deserves a Maverick all on its own. Final score of two Mavericks.

How You Can Watch

This one streams on Amazon, but it’s not included with Prime (bastards!). I paid $1.99 to get it streaming for 24 hours.

Film Stats

The Color of Money: With a budget of $10M, this movie earned $25,697,647 at the box office and, according to Wikipedia, helped launch the Brat Pack genre of the 80's. Great success!

Cocktail: This film was based on a novel ranked #38 on the American Library Association’s Top 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990–1999 due to its portrayal of gang violence, underage smoking and drinking, as well as strong language/slang and family dysfunction. Badass, right?

Tom Stats

Role: Steve Randle, a kid with terrible teeth who works at a gas station with Rob Lowe. In other words, a total babe magnet.

Danger Zone: Tom punches out at least four dudes in the showdown with the Socs. Well, OK it might be the same guy four times, but still. This man is unsafe!

Tom rocks the protruding lower jaw look throughout the film. He’s also got a sleeveless jean jacket and a really fake-looking eagle tattoo. I know, it’s totally awesome.

Help me, help you … avoid spoilers!

If you’ve already seen it, or just plain don’t give a shit, I’ve included a plot summary for you to enjoy. If you don’t want to know, then don’t read below.

Lesson One: Greasers Ain’t Nothin’ But Trouble (or, Life Sucks When You’re A Greaser)

We start off with the Greasers hanging out at the drive-in, hitting on a couple of Soc girls. Matt Dillon strikes out, but Ponyboy (C. Thomas Howell) is impressing Diane Lane. The Socs don’t like that at all, so they start fighting with the Greasers until the cops break it up.

The Greasers are poor. Hella poor. They don’t have cars or cool jobs or girlfriends. Ponyboy doesn’t even have a jacket. He walks around shivering with the Karate Kid in the park at night. Oh, and Ponyboy’s parents got hit by a train (LOL), so he’s an orphan, too. Luckily, his older brother is Patrick Swayze, but then Patrick Swayze turns out to be an abusive psycho, so Ponyboy runs away. The Karate Kid is thinking about killing himself ‘cause he just can’t take it any more.

This movie goes to great lengths to make Tom, Matt Dillon, Emilio Estevez, and the Karate Kid look ugly and poor. Patrick Swayze is awesome except he’s a total dick, and Rob Lowe … well, honestly, Rob Lowe still comes across pretty cool, but dammit, he’s fuckin’ Rob Lowe. I guess if you’re into penniless bad boys, then this is your jam, but I thought it was pretty cheesy.

Lesson Two: Trust Matt Dillon

Ponyboy just can’t catch a break. While he and the Karate Kid are in the park, the Socs from the drive-in show up, ready to kick some Greaser ass. They start drowning Ponyboy in a fountain, so the Karate Kid stabs one of the Socs, killing him.

Now they’re scared and need some advice, so they go to a gay bar. Matt Dillon is there and tells them to hide out for a few days. He gives them a gun and some sandwiches. So they’re homeless and having a blast out in some shack, and Ponyboy’s reading and reciting poetry to the Karate Kid. This part of the movie totally sucks.

Lesson Three: Don’t Be A Hero

Matt Dillon returns and tells them they can come home. I guess they’re just gonna say it was self defense. On the way back, they see a church on fire with a bunch of helpless women and children inside (hooray, stereotypes!).

Ponyboy and the Karate Kid run into the church and start saving people. The church is tiny. It’s like two rooms, but somehow none of these women or children can save themselves. Each one has to be carried out. Of course, as soon as Ponyboy drags the last one out, here come 100 other bystanders who didn’t help at all but now are gonna congratulate him and the Karate Kid. Wait, where’s the Karate Kid? Oh yeah, he’s still inside and horribly burned. Despite this, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, and Ponyboy all have an epic three-way man hug. Everyone is so happy! Well, except the Karate Kid, who didn’t follow lesson three. Now he looks like this:

Lesson Four: Violence Solves Everything

So all that depressing shit aside, what this movie is really all about is the showdown between the Greasers and the Socs. So we get an obligatory, “Let’s do it for [the Karate Kid]!” from Matt Dillon, and then we’re all set to kick some ass. On the way to the big fight, Patrick Swayze does a gymnast swing over the railing, only to get big-timed by Tom, who does a backflip off the hood of a car!

All the Greasers we know, plus a bunch of ‘em we don’t, are gathered in the park. [Scary music!] The Socs show up in a dozen or so cars and they meet face to face. Ponyboy takes the first punch (LOL). It’s like Westside story, minus the dancing and singing. And more Tom Cruise. And Patrick. Fucking. Swayze. Greasers are beating up the Socs.

And all of a sudden it’s raining. HELLA RAIN!!! Seriously, it’s a typhoon all of a sudden. And somehow there’s a car on fire!!! Mud wrestle!!! Mud wrestle!!! I think Tom knocked out four different guys. Maybe actually just the same guy. Four times though. Annnnd … it looks like the Greasers won this thing. Hell yeah, Greasers!!

Final Lesson: There Are No Happy Endings

The Karate Kid dies. So now we can’t even be happy about winning the fight. What a dick. Now we’re back to whining about everything. Oh, and Matt Dillon is crazy now. Too crazy to wipe his face. He’s got a gun and he’s robbing people, and about a minute later, he gets shot and killed by the cops. Mist is everywhere. It’s the most epicly terrible death scene you have ever seen.

We end the movie listening to the Karate Kid’s voice reading some sappy letter to Ponyboy. Some bullshit about how everything’s sad and Ponyboy should “stay gold” and not be a badass anymore. Whatever.

This ending sucks. Anyway, that’s it. Life of a Greaser.

About The Tom Cruise Project

As with any great idea, this one started over beers. I’m at a bar and my buddy tells me he’s watching Tom Cruise movies. Not some. All. Every Tom Cruise movie in existence, in chronological order. Whoah. Just the sound of that, right? So I stole the idea. I know, what a dick.

Anyway, I’m gonna watch ‘em all and tell you what I think. That was my idea, this blog—The Tom Cruise Project. Tom’s 40th film just came out, so this is going to be quite a journey.

You can drop comments onto any paragraph in any of the posts by clicking on the green box that appears to the right. They won’t be public until I allow them, but write anything you want. I won’t be heavy on the censor.

I’ll see you at the Top Gun party.

The Outsiders (1983) was originally published in The Tom Cuise Project on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Tom plays a major badass in his second film. Hoorah.

Attention!

Taps was Tom’s first major role, and he plays a total badass. Tom had some laughs with the quick role in Endless Love, but fun time is over. Taps is packing some serious fire power, with Timothy Hutton and Sean Penn starring alongside Tom in this awesome retelling of the classic cadets-take-over-the-academy-and-shit-hits-the-fan tale.

TCP Rating—One and a half Mavericks

This movie starts off pretty slow, but it does feature some powerful performances from Tom and Sean Penn. Extra points for the final scene makes the final verdict one and a half Mavericks.

How you can watch

This one was tough. I had to order it on Amazon for about $8. If you want to borrow it, let me know.

Film Stats

Run Time: 2:06:23

The Color of Money: Taps grossed $35M at the box office, plus another $20.5M in video rentals. Yeah, rentals. Remember those?

Collateral: A few junior cadets, a local street tough, and a general all meet their maker before Tom manages to go down in a blaze of glory.

Endless Love: There are no chicks in this one, but hey, who needs ‘em, right? Plenty of man-boy love here between the General and his cadets.

Tom Stats

Role: Cadet Captain David Shawn

A Few Good Men: This is the first of many military-themed roles for Tom. He holds his own with Timothy Hutton and Sean Penn, although Penn steals the show with his powerful performance.

Top Gun: While everyone else is prancing around playing with their bugles, Tom struts around with M-16's and awesome one-liners like, “I’d like to take a grenade and shove it RIGHT UP THEIR ASSES!!” Atta boy, Tom!

Danger Zone

Tom picks up the .50 cal and goes ballistic. SUCH RAGE!

Help me, help you … avoid spoilers!

If you don’t want to know, then don’t read below.

Welcome to the Academy

It starts slow. Really slow. If you need a snack, now would be a good time. You don’t need the first 10, 15 minutes—you won’t miss anything. Oh, and yeah. It’s called Taps. So they’re gonna fucking play Taps. A lot.

Anyway, there’s a choir, or something, and some dude is rockin’ a man-purse and playing the bugle. It’s pretty depressing. Bunker Hill Academy is basically a high school frat house run by a creepy headmaster, the General, who stares at the cadets like he’s a Catholic priest. And he’s not against a little underage drinking. So that’s cool. Anyway, all these kids are training to get into West Point. Timothy Hutton is the Major, the cadet in charge of all the other cadets. Sean Penn and Tom are both seniors. They’re all staying at the Academy over the summer before starting their last year.

Tom starts off by flipping us the bird. What a badass. He sets up a really-not-at-all creepy parade in the new Major’s honor. What a guy! And he’s got a sweet red beret.

Bad News: The Academy Is Closing

They’re going to turn it into condos. Next year will be the last year for the Academy after over 100 years of service. Ballsy move by the General, announcing this in front of everyone at graduation. Could have just sent out an email. The General, though, he’s gonna fight this. Everyone’s all bummed out, and then …

Here Come Some Civilians To Fuck Things Up

Some locals come over to start shit with the cadets, and the cadets start kicking some ass. The General comes over to break things up, and some kid gets shot. General forgot there was a round in the chamber. Classic gun safety violation. Anyway, now the town is like, FUCK the Academy. It’s shutting down right the fuck now. The General is arrested and the cadets are scared and pissed off, so, naturally, …

The Cadets Take Over the Academy

The cadets decide to hide all the ammo and barricade the entrances to the Academy until city leaders meet with them to talk about keeping the place open. Everyone’s using super-huge walkie-talkies instead of cell phones. Awesome circa 1981.

OK, so then Tom starts to get evil. He starts firing his M16 after a beer run goes south. It looks like this:

Sean Penn shows a little emotion. He’s thinking they should just give up. Tom is not convinced. Here he is pumping some iron and looking unconvinced:

The Major is conflicted now that things are getting out of control. The movie actually has some good dialogue here. Sean Penn has the strongest performance. Too bad no one’s gonna listen to him.

And the Adults Get Fucking Creepy

Now the older, wiser parents and local authorities come and try to smooth it all over—by slowly circling the school in the middle of the night with a bullhorn, with moms and dads reading letters to their kids about how they made the favorite meals, and there are cookies waiting as soon as they give up. The adults in this film are twisted, and it only gets worse.

After discussions with the Major remain unproductive, the local Guard commander decides to, oh hell, just blow the fucking gates up with a tank. Apparently the governor is sick of this shit being on CNN 24/7.

PLOT BREAK: Out of nowhere, they get the one black cadet to get himself lit on fire in the boiler room. Wow, what are the chances it was the one black kid? Where the hell did this scene come from? Anyway …

The tank is called off but Sean Penn is giving up. Some other kids start to give up too, but then the FUCKING ADULTS shoot the two youngest cadets as they try to turn themselves in. Nice work, parents!

OK, so then there’s a lot of Timothy Hutton and Sean Penn back and forth, yadda yadda yadda, they decide it’s over …

And Now We Can All Go Home and Just Forget This Ever Hap . . .

Nope

Tom ain’t finished yet. He’s in full crazy mode, and now he’s got the 50 cal.

It’s beautiful, man, BEAUTIFUL!!!—Tom

Tom’s first death scene!! Nice.

Annnnd, that’s it!

Oh, and they’re still gonna shut down the school.

Oh, and Timothy Hutton’s dead, too.

OK, anyway—great work, Tom!

About The Tom Cruise Project

As with any great idea, this one started over beers. I’m at a bar and my buddy tells me he’s watching Tom Cruise movies. Not some. All. Every Tom Cruise movie in existence, in chronological order. Whoah. Just the sound of that, right? So I stole the idea. I know, what a dick.

Anyway, I’m gonna watch ‘em all and tell you what I think. That was my idea, this blog—The Tom Cruise Project. Tom’s 40th film will arrive this year, so this is going to be quite a journey.

You can drop comments onto any paragraph in any of the posts by clicking on the green box that appears to the right. They won’t be public until I allow them, but write anything you want. I won’t be heavy on the censor.

I’ll see you at the Top Gun party.

Taps (1981) was originally published in The Tom Cuise Project on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Tom’s film debut. A teen love story that gets, well, weird. And kinda awesome. 

Before we begin …

Everything has to start somewhere, and the film career of America’s favorite non-action-hero 80's movie star began here. Don’t remember this one? Well, neither does anyone else, but we ALL remember that song. Yup, this is where it came from, and the producers knew they had a hit, so you’ll be hearing it throughout the film in various forms.

This is where Tom got his start, so this movie’s already awesome, but we also get to see James Spader (who I always call David Spade, which, actually, is a different guy) play the role of Brooke Shields’ older brother. Oh yeah, Brooke Shields is in it, too. Anyway, it’s Spader’s second film, so that’s cool, I guess. Oh, who gives a shit about James Spader, right? Let’s move on.

The movie is an adaptation of a novel by Scott Spencer which, apparently, people liked more than the movie. The ADD version of the story is kinda like this: Young couple, madly in love, separated by her angry father. Boy burns down her house to impress her … well, he was gonna save the house … Shit. OK, well the dude goes crazy, Dad dies, and they both live happily, crazily, ever after. I think. The ending is a little ambiguous.

I watched this gem with the target of my own endless love, the lovely Honora Layle, who will be helping out with some commentary. You can add your own reactions or comments by leaving notes alongside this post. Just click on the paragraph you’d like to discuss and a comment sidebar will appear. You can also link to pages, videos, pics, or any other web-hosted content by pasting a link at the bottom of the page under “Further Reading.”

Film Stats

This fairly forgettable film was the 22nd highest grossing film of 1981, raking in a respectable $31,184,024. Critics were … not as impressed. Movie historian Leonard Maltim called it “a textbook example of how to do everything wrong in a literary adaptation … Scott Spencer’s deservedly-praised novel is thoroughly trashed.”

Well, whatever. Fuck you Leonard. This is Tom’s debut. Speaking of which …

Tom Stats

Time on screen: 45 seconds

Starring Role: Not even close.

Danger Zone: Admitted arsonist with a maniacal laugh, this man is unsafe!

Mission Impossible: Tom is, awesomely, the idea man here, kicking the insanity up a notch with a step-by-step guide to arson inspired heroism.

How you can watch

This one’s easy: Netflix.

Help me, help you … avoid spoilers!

If you don’t wanna know, then don’t read below.

And then, abruptly, we begin.

Annnnd it took 10 seconds to get weird. Was I supposed to be prepared for Brooke Shields to be THIS deep right off the bat? Apparently we are skipping any kind of courtship period, as these two are already in love and saying totally down-to-earth things like:

Brooke Shields: What if I died?

David: Then I’d die.

Uh … yeah. OK …. Anyway, this movie comes from the year that brought us amazing films like Superman II, Raiders of the Lost Ark, History of the World Part I, and Time Bandits. I think they stole the costumes from Superman. Everyone looks like they work at the Daily Planet.

Annnnnd it took 2 minutes to get to some gratuitous swipes at China. And communism. Go America. Fuck yeah.

Whoah!! James Spader is in this!?!?! Oh, fuck James Spader. OK, no, I guess he’s pretty cool. Whatever.

What’s up with the jeans? Jeans and a tuxedo. If only he had a mullet.

Ohhhhhh here comes the RIFF RAFF !!! The badass rocker kids are here. They brought their Scooby Doo van. And the parents are cool with it … party at the cool parents’ house. Everyone’s invited. OK, this is getting pretty weird. Maybe this movie is actually gonna be totally fucking awesome.

OK so yeah. This chick keeps making out with her dad.

Honora: What’s that all about?

(shrugs) Oh, … OK here’s the first song.

They are taking this soundtrack very seriously. Everyone in the movie, literally, just stop what you’re doing. Just listen to the soundtrack. And we’ll watch them listen. It is a good song, though …

Honora: Oh, it’s Endless Love. That’s the name of the movie. OK, I get it now.

(sings) … my, end-less love …

… Yeah.

The Bear Skin Rug Scene

Wow. Ultimate bear skin, fireside, whitey tightey, socks on, epic love scene.

Honora: I still feel traumatized by the Blue Lagoon. That movie was really weird.

The mom is up to something …

Uh Oh!! There we go … [gratuitous male butt shot]

Honora: She’s into it. (pantomimes mom watching the kids doing it …. what?? …)

OK so the mom is cool with it. She’s all hippy about it.

Dad is NOT OK with this. He’s raging. Dad rage. How did he not already know about this shit?

David’s dad is still hella cool, though. That’s good. And he’s got some hella cool glasses. With frames that don’t have tops. Wicked glasses, man.

This chick is, like, really tired all of a sudden. Teenage sex. Makes you tired.

David’s back. This dude cannot keep his clothes on. And the music is getting pretty creepy. And David. Is. Creepy.

David: I’ll never stop loving you. Never.

Anyway. Back to the sexing.

Who-ah! … We’ve got a boob. Clock is at 36:30.

Honora: They’re just so … naked. Are you writing ‘they’re just so naked’?

And now, out of nowhere, EXTREME PRESCRIPTION DRUG INTERVENTION! INTERVENTION!! INTERVENTION!!! So awesomely over the top. Dad is sick of Brooke Shields stealing his pills. Dad is pissed. David can’t keep coming over here and bangin’ Brooke Shields any more.

Brooke Shields: Dad, I hate you!!!!!

David in Exile

OK, so David is on the outs. Dad’s laying down the law.

Dad (to David): You. Get the hell outta here!

Mom is trying to smooth things over, but I’m getting the impression David is about to crank up the crazy sauce. Shit’s about to get real. The mom is still …

Honora: SO weird.

Yeah. Like, she wants to bang David, amirite?

OMG OMG OMGOMGOMG OMGOMGOMG!!!

Enter the Cruise Missile

Look at those shorts! He’s like a studly Tobias Funke!

Arson. YEAH! Arson is so fucking cool.

Tom’s a hero! WICKED LAUGHTER!! Yeah, go Tom!!!

Evil David.

Now David is Evil David. Listening to that “rock” music. Loudly. Into drugs and everything! (David’s mom is very anti-hippy)

Honora is feeling sorry for David. Just wait til he gets really crazy.

James Spader. Get this shit in control. Thanks, James Spader.

Shit gets crazy.

Pretty casual setting-my-girlfriend’s-house-on-fire scene.

Well, that burnt down pretty damn quick. And, apparently, arson is NOT cool. David is in serious trouble now. But he gets off with just probation. So he made out pretty well in the situation. But wait … no! … He can’t see Brooke Shields any more. EVER. Also the loony bin sucks.

David’s missing Brooke Shields. Hella missing Brooke Shields. No action in the loony bin.

Boobs. 1:07. Despite this, the movie is getting pretty shitty now. David isn’t a very believable patient at the loony bin. OK … anyway … this movie should just end. Like, right now would be fine.

Now we get an awkward future mother-in-law almost sex scene. Yep. I guess they’re gonna stop implying it. Let’s get weird.

Now David’s just getting molested. And the mom gets rejected. That was close.

Now he’s out on the street … now here’s the dad …. showdown?

Who-ah!! Outta NOWHERE! Dad gets hit by a cab. Dead in an instant. YES!!

Now David’s gonna go bang his ex-wife. Well …, not if James Spader has anything to say about it! I hope he gets all Stargate on David’s ass …

Honora: This Endless Love is, like, seriously. Endless.

How to win Brooke Shields’ heart (now that you’ve burned down her house, fought her brother, almost banged her mom, and killed her dad).

Brooke Shields is trying to end it. If David would just. Say. Goodbye. Please, say goodbye. Please David. Any chance of him being reasonable here? Nope! Still crazy. OK. good to know.

Annnnd that’s how you win Brooke Shields’ heart. Forcibly restrain her, then scream at her until she recognizes your undying devotion. Nice work.

Annnnd now it’s super casual. Same scene. What. The. Fuck?

Honora: Worst movie ever. This is like taco night all over again. (bringing up my not-really-THAT-bad tacos from the night before)

And, in the end, he’s crazy and she’s, apparently, into crazy. Endlessly.

Endless Love (1981) was originally published in The Tom Cuise Project on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.