The community said: “Fine! We’ll do it ourselves!”

Here’s a bit of Constantin lore for you: I’ve never touched Bloodborne ever since its 2015 release on PlayStation. I still consider PlayStation the platform with the best exclusives (despite their business practices becoming crappier and crappier). But most of them don’t really fit my style. Like many other folks, I wasn’t too keen on getting a “Bloodborne Machine” just for one game. Also, like many others, I kept my hopes high that Sony and FromSoftware would finally come together to do a remaster and PC port. I stayed away from anything Bloodborne-related all these years. But you all know the result: nothing happened… officially.

But here’s where the “Leave the big corpos alone!” phrase takes on another meaning: if they won’t do it, leave them alone and do it yourselves. That’s what more or less happened with Bloodborne. There have been many community efforts to bring it to PC in all its glory over the years. We now have something playable, stable, and gorgeous-looking thanks to them. You can pick your poison in terms of which community launcher you’d like to use. I’ve personally been using Awakenchan’s Lantern Engine. But there are many other options like BBPort, Supermedo’s launcher, or the good old shadPS4 emulator. Just pick your poison

DISCLAIMER: You’ll need to provide your own official files that all these launchers use. Y’know, because otherwise it’s just plain piracy and illegal.

With that out of the way, it’s time to get to reviewing. I’ve done 4 playthroughs to complete everything, tested all the weapons, and played with all the main builds. I’ve spent about 168 hours total. Now I’m here to tell everyone else who’s also been waiting for so long if Bloodborne on PC is everything they’ve hoped for.

Story

Spoiler-Free Synopsis

You’re a traveler from a faraway land. Sickly and dying, you’ve made the long trek to Yharnam in hopes that they’ll have a cure for your condition. After all, the city of Yharnam and its church are famous for their blood healing. Although they don’t take too kindly to outsiders.

You get to one of their clinics, you sign the contract necessary for your treatment, and the blood ministrator responsible for your transfusion says, giggling:

“Whatever happens… You may think it all a mere bad dream…”

Like that’s supposed to be very comforting after you witness the opening.

After a couple of nightmares and being clawed to death by a werewolf, you wake up in the main hub of the game, the Hunter’s Dream. You don’t really get many explanations or characters to interact with at first. You just meet these small white specters called “Messengers” who teach you how to play the game and hand you weapons like they’re candy. Then you return to the mean streets of Yharnam to meet the locals, chat with the locals, and murder the locals. Fun times.

A couple of events later, you’ll return to the Hunter’s Dream to meet your guides on this journey:

• Gherman, the first hunter — the one who sends you on your quest to slay beasts and provides you with advice. He’s been presiding over the Hunter’s Dream for generations while guiding many hunters like you.
• The Doll — the equivalent of the Firekeepers in the Dark Souls games.

Now geared up and with proper guidance, you’re ready to venture into the crazy world of Bloodborne and uncover its secrets. That’s one heck of an aftermath for a blood transfusion, if you ask me.

Characters & Dialogue

If you’re familiar with the worlds that FromSoftware has been building all these years, you’ll know what to expect from the NPCs that you come across. They more or less function as beacons that encourage you to look around and explore while trying to complete their tasks. But if you know FromSoftware, their questlines are shrouded in mystery. Yes, you’re being told to go out and explore. But they won’t hold your hand. They won’t tell you how to get to locations step-by-step. It’s up to you to find out. You’ll also want to check back with them regularly to progress their questlines and see where they lead.

NPCs also serve an additional purpose in soulsborne games: they mark safe locations. In worlds filled with danger and horrors at almost every step, they appear in places where you can rest and decompress for a while.

Something that I’ve always admired about NPCs in FromSoftware games is that they never feel like they're overstaying their welcome. While the chats with them are short and sweet, they aren’t purely functional. It’s not just “Go there. Do that”. They give you all these nuggets of information that you need to ponder over as you adventure deeper and deeper into Yharnam. What’s blood ministration? What’s the connection between the church and the blood healing? Who are these beasts that you’re hunting? So on and so forth.

Worldbuilding & Narrative Quality

It’s no secret that soulsborne games encourage you to piece the information together rather than serving it up on a plate. Bloodborne is no different. A lot of the meaning behind the meaning is hidden in the environment, in the notes and documents that you come across, in the descriptions of items, etc. etc. I’m sure this storytelling method doesn’t click with everyone. But for those with which it does, I’d say the main culprit is this invitation to… think about it.

The game will provide you with some answers to your questions. But the main thing you’ll be encouraged to do is to engage in some good old abstract thinking. It’s like when we were listening to stories as kids or reading books. We don’t get the full picture (or any picture at all), so we need to come up with explanations and visualize on our own.

Even if you don’t ponder this information too much or you’re not a lore hunter, future events of the game will build upon previous pieces of info. When something major happens, you’ll get those “Aha! So that’s what they meant with that!” moments. It’s good enough for the player who just wants a decent understanding of the story. And it’s even better if you’re actively trying to understand the hidden meaning behind the events.

Without giving away too much, game mechanics and how the world looks and functions are also deeply tied. I’ll only say to keep an eye out for that dandy little resource called “Insight” that you get after entering certain locations, boss arenas, defeating bosses, or using specific consumables.

The ambiance plays a big role in crafting FromSoftware’s worlds. More precisely, the levels and locations rarely feature music. Besides boss encounters, music is only present in the Hunter’s Dream and a few other select locations. On the one hand, the lack of music allows you to take in the dark and hopeless world that you’re venturing through. On the other hand, the presence of music marks important places and landmarks. If you hear music playing while exploring a location, it’s usually because it is of major significance. Stop and think about it for a sec.

I also encourage you to go through the DLC. It serves as a prequel to the events of the main game. It provides a bit more context, while also raising more questions about what happened before.

The game features 3 different endings, depending on the decisions you’ll make at the very end. If you want to witness all 3 endings in a single playthrough, backing up your save file is the only way to do so. You should also not go for the end game boss if you have unfinished business (including content left in the DLC), since beating the game will automatically send you into New Game+.

I’m not sure about other launchers, but Lantern Engine keeps 16 backup saves for your most recent sessions by default, which should make it easier to reload before the final boss.

Gameplay

Important Mechanics

Like most FromSoftware games, Bloodborne keeps its mechanics fairly contained and polished. Your main way of going through combat will be a trusty melee weapon.

What sets this game apart is that these aren’t just simple weapons — they’re Trick Weapons.

They can switch between a close-range normal form that favors speed and low stamina consumption, and a tricked form with longer reach, more damage, and bigger stamina consumption. There are also a few weapons that are a bit more special and don’t follow this rule of thumb.

As combat is a fluid experience, you’re not locked to using just one form when engaging enemies. You can take a step back to switch to the appropriate weapon form based on the enemies you’re facing. Or you can do this more naturally during combat, as each weapon includes transform attacks that switch to the other form as you battle.

Each weapon form has a light attack, which triggers an auto-combo sequence if pressed repeatedly, and a heavy attack you can charge. Some of the heavy attacks have a follow-up if you press the heavy attack button again. You’ll also want to be mindful of which tricked forms change your weapon from being one-handed to two-handed. One-handed means that you can still use your off-hand weapon (usually a gun). Two-handed means that you won’t, but you’ll get access to a special attack instead.

All weapons can be upgraded if you find enough materials. You’ll be able to get the weapons you’re using consistently to +9 just by playing the game. Getting them to +10 will be a bit trickier, since there’s only one upgrade material in the base game that can do it, only one in the DLC, and, if you haven’t spent your Insight like a maniac, you can buy more of these for 60 Insight each. There are ways to circumvent this with functionalities that would normally be available online, but we’ll get to that later.

Weapons feature a durability system. Getting to 30% of a weapon’s durability puts it At Risk, meaning that you’ll do roughly 30% less damage. When its durability reaches 0, it breaks, and you’ll deal half the usual damage. I suggest getting into the habit of repairing your weapons when you get back to the Hunter’s Dream. As a nice trick to avoid some repair costs, upgrading a weapon will reset its durability back to the max value.

If you’re used to games like Dark Souls or Elden Ring, you know that parrying and shields play a big role in getting the upper hand over enemies.

Bloodborne throws away the concept of traditional parrying by literally bringing a gun to a swordfight.

Many of the ranged weapons are guns that can trigger a parry if you shoot an enemy at the right time during their attack animation. This puts them in a vulnerable state, allowing you to perform a Visceral Attack—a critical attack that deals heaps of damage. You can trigger a similar effect if you perform a charged heavy attack from behind an enemy.

A piece of advice: the tricked form of a few weapons won’t trigger this backstab reaction. So be mindful of which charge attacks can do it and which can’t.

You should also keep an eye on your Quicksilver Bullets count. While the gun parry is fancy and all, you can normally only hold 20 bullets. Some enemies (especially those wielding guns) will drop more to replenish your stocks on the go. If you’re in dire need of more ammo, you can trade a percentage of your HP for 5 extra bullets. There’s also the fact that some weapons consume more than one bullet when fired.

But guns aren’t the only use for your Quicksilver Bullets. The traditional concept of magic doesn’t really exist in the world of Bloodborne. Instead, it is replaced by Hunter Tools, which allow you to tap into their effects for various bullet costs. Some of these tools are functional, like letting you teleport instead of dodge-rolling. Some of them give you access to ranged attacks.

Keep in mind that each Hunter Tool requires a certain level of your Arcane stat if you want to use it. If you’re not an Arcane-focused build or you don’t plan to put some points into your Arcane to have access to them, you won’t have any use for them.

Speaking of Arcane and stats, there are 6 primary stats you can invest your currency in:

• Vitality— how much HP you have to work with;
• Endurance — how much stamina you have available for attacking, dodging, and running;
• Strength — directly influences your damage output for weapons that scale with this attribute;
• Skill—same as Strength, but also influences the damage of your visceral attacks;
• Bloodtinge — same as the other two attributes above, but also affects how much damage your guns will deal;
• Arcane— besides influencing your damage scaling for Arcane weapons, it’s also tied to how much damage your Hunter Tools and consumables will deal. It also increases your Discovery, aka how often you’ll get drops from enemies.

Bloodborne is quite forgiving in terms of soft and hard caps. Vitality has a soft cap at 30 and a hard cap at 50. The hard cap for Endurance is at 40. Weapon-wise, the other four stats have a soft cap at 25 and a hard cap at 50. The only special stat here is Arcane, because the Hunter Tools and throwables will continue to scale all the way to 99 Arcane.

If you’re used to having a consistent number of healing items that get replenished after each death, that won’t be the case here. Blood Vials are the main healing mechanic. You can only carry 20 at a time. The main ways to stock up are defeating enemies that drop them or buying more from the shop. Otherwise, they won’t get replenished. Unless you like throwing yourself recklessly at groups of enemies before immediately regretting it, you shouldn’t need to farm or buy any Blood Vials outside of the ones that you get by playing the game naturally.

The other secondary systems in the game include Bloodgems and Caryll Runes. Bloodgems can be slotted into your main weapons for additional effects, depending on your needs. If you want to focus on physical damage, you’ll want Bloodgems that support that. If you want to switch your physical weapon to one that deals elemental damage, there are Bloodgems for that. Need more Arcane damage from your main weapon? You guessed it. There’s a Bloodgem for that. If your focus is to just go through the game, you’ll get plenty of them just by playing normally. But if you’re obsessed with min-maxing, things will get a bit more complicated. I’ll tell you about it in a bit.

Caryll Runes (top right in the previous screenshot) are passive effects that you can stack together once you unlock a certain upgrade midgame. These effects include more HP, more stamina, better resistances against certain elements or types of damage, more currency gain, etc. etc. You have 3 normal slots, and one special slot for your Covenant Rune. The last one is special because it has a unique effect tied to the Covenant you choose to pledge allegiance to. Covenants are more important for PvP, but the effects you get from their Runes are pretty neat — you shouldn’t pass on them.

The normal Caryll Runes usually come in 3 different tiers. You can find them spread out across the game or in a special section of the game called Chalice Dungeons. You can also stack the effects of the same rune types if you use them together. For example, if you want to use all the runes that increase your HP, you can do so.

You might’ve noticed that I haven’t mentioned anything about armor all this time. Truth be told, if there’s one soulsborne game where armor is mostly cosmetic, this is the one. Don’t get me wrong, you can still min-max to get the best stats when going through poisonous swamps, fighting enemies and bosses with lots of elemental attacks, and the list can go on. But you can easily ignore all that and dress to impress.

The last mechanic that I’ll talk about is the Rally. This one feels like it was custom-made for Bloodborne, and it integrates so well into the DNA of the game.

Rally is essentially temporary health whenever you get hit.

That portion of your HP will get greyed out. You’ll have a small window of time during which you can recover it if your hits connect with an enemy. If there’s one thing that allows for such an aggressive playstyle compared to other souls games, this is it. It puts so much emphasis on you being a hunter who relentlessly pursues your prey.

What makes gameplay fun?

The main fun factor has to be the Trick Weapons. Compared to any other game I’ve played before, their design feels so unique and polished. No one Trick Weapon works the same as the other. They’re the main reason why I went through 4 separate playthroughs. I simply wanted to have builds and playthroughs that put all of them into the spotlight. Just chaining a basic attack sequence with any of them is more than satisfying.

The bosses are usually the standout in this type of game. And the best boss design that you’ll come across will definitely be in the DLC. They bring a whole other level of challenge, which makes it all the more satisfying when you best them.

When it comes to more common enemies, the intelligent placement is what makes them shine.

I’m sure many people see souls games as one of the most difficult gaming experiences. Honestly, they really aren’t. Isolate any enemy, and you’ll realize that they’re very easy to defeat. Which really drives my point about placement. Because, like in many other soulsborne games, battling enemies is akin to solving a puzzle. Who do you want to take out first? Who do you want to isolate? Where can you fight so you don’t draw the attention of everyone else in the room? What tools should you use to deal with one or the other?

The level design and the interconnectivity between all the parts of each level is another aspect worth mentioning. Unlocking shortcuts is a mark of progress in itself. But witnessing how everything ties together within a level is something special. Not to mention that you’re always being teased with the next area you’ll explore by looking over in the distance. Or, on the contrary, you’ll be shown landmarks from the previous area that you’ve just gone through to give you a sense of progress.

What makes gameplay less fun?

As much as I’ve been waiting to experience it, I have to admit that Bloodborne is on the easier side of the souls games that I’ve played. While the enemy variety and level exploration are top-notch, I haven’t felt that anything was particularly challenging. Many of the main game bosses feel regrettably simple. The majority of them rely on gimmicks that flood the arena, which are very easy to circumvent. And, to be honest, dodging forward will let you avoid 80% of the damage dealt by enemies.

Something that is commonly seen as poor design in the community is the Chalice Dungeons. These dungeons hide the best Bloodgems, the best versions of Caryll Runes, and offer the best spots for farming. But their design is very repetitive and boring. Having to put in hours to farm for the best Bloodgems doesn’t sound like fun. I’ve only gone through all of the base dungeons once across my 4 playthroughs, and that was enough for me. They feel like a poor attempt at padding gameplay time. They would’ve probably been more fun if they were integrated organically within the base game, instead of just adding them on top as a method of padding gameplay time. Not to mention, most of the loot in them consists of materials that you can use to access more dungeons.

But if you want to delve into them, certain bosses will drop chalices that you can bring back to the Hunter’s Dream and access the base versions of these dungeons. After you complete them, you get something called Root Chalices, which allow you to generate dungeons with random layouts and enemies. Root Dungeons also hide new weapon variants that you can stumble upon if you’re lucky. But if you simply want to save yourself some time and energy, there’s a mod called “Add Chalice Dungeons to your save” that lets you add the more popular dungeons that players have stumbled upon when searching for weapons, farming spots for Bloodgems, or Caryll Runes that can be exclusively found in Root Dungeons.

After trying all the weapons and builds, I’ll also say that Skill and Bloodtinge weapons were by far the most “hated” by the developers. If you want to work with pure Skill weapons, you’ll reach their ceiling quite quickly and lack a lot of damage compared to other weapons. Besides, these weapons can mostly be found around the time you’ll reach the end of the game. Unless you’re keen on going into NG+, you won’t have much time to enjoy them.

If you want to go for a Bloodtinge build, the best Bloodtinge weapons are found in areas with mid-to-late game difficulty. Unless you wanna rush things, you’ll come across them late, and you’ll have to endure a mediocre experience until then. Not to mention, any investment in attributes like Strength or Skill will be rendered useless, because you’ll mainly use these weapons in their tricked form. And in this form, they only scale with your Bloodtinge level.

Of course, you can ignore all these issues if you simply use one of the mods that allow you to respec. I chose not to solely because I wanted to experience the game as the developers intended it.

Performance, Bugs, Crashes, and Mods

Since these ports and launchers are made by the community, some problems are prone to appear. Luckily, Awakenchan’s Lantern Engine kept me away from crashes, bugs, and anything that would ruin my experience. It used to have a weird visual bug with weapons smearing while moving, but the current iteration of the launcher got rid of that. It also features solid enhancements that bring Bloodborne’s visuals closer to modern-day games, without altering its art direction. While there are a variety of mods and shaders that take things a few steps further, I opted for the original art direction all the way through.

The only mods that I used got rid of the visual clutter on some of the armor sets, displayed how much currency I would get for using consumables, and made the UI a bit more compact.

Art & Audio

Visual Style

Bloodborne’s art direction is a mix between Victorian-era architecture and clothing, and Lovecraftian elements when it comes to the overall enemies and select locations.

I’ve spent a lot of time changing and adjusting my attire, since this game features quite a few stylish options when it comes to outfits. They might not help protect you that well, but they definitely look pretty as heck. My small complaint is that some hats or torso pieces are a bit overdesigned, making it difficult to mix and match them with pieces from other sets.

Besides their functionality in combat, crafting the Trick Weapons feels like a labor of love from the artists and animators. Their design is very intricate, featuring many moving parts that allow you to switch between the tricked and untricked forms. Watching the attacks, the normal transformations, and the transformation attacks mid-combat makes the gameplay so much more satisfying.

Lighting plays a huge role, since the progress of the game is marked by shifts in the phases of the moon. You start somewhere around evening, and you go deeper and deeper into the night. I recommend visiting previous locations just to see how they look as time passes. There will be more visual changes later down the line, but that’s a secret I’ll let you discover on your own.

If you’re the curious type, I recommend that you keep an eye on the enemies and your surroundings. FromSoftware is already famous by now for hiding subtle details within enemy models and the environment.

While I know there are many visual mods that overhaul the look of the game, I decided to stick with the intended art direction. Even if these mods would make the game look subjectively prettier, they also take away from the atmosphere of hopelessness and misery that the game tries to convey. Muted colors, pale lighting, grey tones… they all add an intended gravitas.

Sound Design & Music

I’ve already talked about it in the beginning, but Bloodborne isn’t too keen on blasting music in your ears everywhere you go. You’ll mostly listen to the ambient sounds of your surroundings. I’d say it makes sense for at least two reasons:

1. Gameplay-wise, it allows you to focus on the situation at hand. You already need to keep your eyes and ears peeled so you don’t get ambushed, don’t step into traps, or hear the sounds of that pesky enemy lurking around the corner.
2. Story-wise, it signals important landmarks or moments for the narrative. One of the few places that has ambient music is your home base, the Hunter’s Dream. In this case, the purpose of music is to signal that you’re in a safe space where you can’t be harmed. It’s a beautiful contrast between the eerie silence that screams “Danger” as you explore, and a place where you can relax, take a break, and not constantly scan the environment for potential threats.

Final Verdict

Who is this for?

If you’re looking for a souls game that ditches the usual medieval settings for a classier one that adds Lovecraftian horror elements to the mix. If you like narratives and worldbuilding that challenge you to put the pieces together, rather than spelling them out to you. If you’re bored of traditional melee weapons in games and want something a bit more exotic, like the Trick Weapons. If you’re looking for a souls-game that is fairly approachable and won’t hurt you as much as the others. If you like dressing your character to impress in the games you play. Then Bloodborne is definitely the title for you.

Who isn’t this for?

If you like jumping into a room full of enemies like a boss character, assuming nobody will hurt you. If you don’t like farming to have the literal best builds and stats in the game. If you enjoy narratives that are more upfront and don’t shroud their secrets in obscurity. And if you’re looking for a bit of a challenge when it comes to your souls games. Then Bloodborne might not necessarily be the one for you.

Was it worth to 100%?

Considering I’ve played through it 4 times, I guess it was worth to 400%. Jokes aside, my answer leans towards a “Yes” because of all the cool weapon designs, the various builds that I got to experiment with, and the visuals and atmosphere that I couldn’t get enough of.

Instead of price…

As I’ve mentioned at the beginning, it’s been a long time since people asked for a proper Bloodborne remaster and a PC port. For reasons unknown to us, it seems like it wasn’t deemed profitable enough. Meanwhile, the community worked tirelessly to make it a reality and bring it to PC in a state that befits modern games.

I think this should sound a serious alarm signal for big companies who plan to choose “what’s profitable” over what people are demanding. Now players have access to the technology that allows them to reverse engineer their games, to port them, and to satisfy communities asking for them. The message is pretty clear: “If you won’t do it, we’ll do it ourselves”.

Personally, I’m a fan of seeing giants fall. I’m a fan of big companies losing money because they get greedy, but not smart enough to make a profit out of their greed. I can only hope that they remain ignorant and continue paying the price for it.

Thanks for reading. See you soon with another review.

If you’ve been waiting for Bloodborne on PC for years, this review is for you was originally published in The Ugly Monster on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It was a movie with so much promise. The Force Awakens was OK to good. The characters were strong, and they got a decent story moving with a lot of potential. Then someone came along and made it about their ‘vision.’

The Last Jedi is one of the most overly self-conscious movies of all time, like it’s shouting through a megaphone: “We are going to make our Star Wars movie different to everybody else because we are so clever and non-conformist, and we will have the characters say and even scream very profound things about the lessons we want to teach you simpleton viewers.”

Still, I guess I liked the Luke/Kylo confrontation. I thought it was quite an original take on a duel situation, and it provided a decent ending. But there were a number of other things that bothered me. Here are some of them.

I Have a Bad Feeling…

Nitpick #1: So bad it deserves recognition. The Battle of D’Qar, or should I say, Annihilation of D’Qar, was pretty awful. Awful for the Resistance, awful for the bomber pilots, and most of all, awful for me. So bad, I think an award is due…

Host (The Master Codebreaker): And so, we arrive at the end of our annual Worst Design Awards ceremony. What a wonderful night it has been! However, we have a surprise for you — something very exciting still to do. Since this is the 50th — [interrupted by cheering, loud applause] — since this is the 50th WDAs, we have a very special one-off award to present: The Worst Military Vehicle Design of All Time Award! [Cheering] I’ll now hand over to our special guest presenters, Force ghost Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Reva Sevander!

[Loud applause and cheering]

Obi-Wan: Thank you, everyone. I must say, the competition for this special award was especially fierce.

Reva: Yes it was. We are talking about the most cumbersome, clumsy, downright awful designs for military hardware in the known universe! We narrowed it down to these three final nominees:

Obi-Wan: The Armored Assault Tank — or AAT— for its abysmal contribution during the Battle of Naboo. Its cumbersome, bulbous front end combined with its incredibly slow pace and vulnerable cockpit hatch meant that even the clumsiest, most inept individual ever to grace a battlefield — no, any field — could accidentally destroy it in a series of buffoonish, farcical blunders.

Reva: The All Terrain Scout Transport — AT-ST — for its performance in the Battle of Endor! [Applause] It’s lanky, it’s hella clumsy, and it’s easily taken down by a tribe of overgrown rodents.

Obi-Wan: The MG-100 StarFortress SF-17 — Heavy Resistance Bomber — for its appearance in the Battle of D’Qar! [Applause.] The slowest and most defenceless military vehicle in existence, an exceptional example of the classic sitting duck. Swiss cheese doesn’t even come close — a TIE fighter could literally put so many holes in it that, in the end, it was actually more hole than ship.

Reva: And so…

Obi-Wan: The Worst Military Vehicle Design of All Time Award goes to [Reva opens the envelope]…

[Drum roll]…

Both: The Heavy Resistance Bomber! [Fanfare, thunderous applause]

Nitpick #2: The Cliché of the Amulet. Rose and her sister, whom Poe sent to her death, each have a half of an amulet. As far as originality goes, two characters in a story each having half of the same amulet that they would one day hope to bring together when they meet again, is at about the very bottom of the barrel. On a scale of 1 to anything, 1 being the least possible amount of originality, and any number you want being the most, this would rate at:

9^(-⁹⁹)

(In pure mathematics, this is an unimaginably tiny fraction that represents a zero followed by a decimal point, and then hundreds of millions of zeros. Then a 2.)

Nitpick #3: Ding dong. When you haven’t seen a friend for a long time and you arrive at their new home, how does that encounter normally go? “Nice place! I love the neighbourhood. How long have you been here now?” Something like that?

When Chewbacca and Rey go to see Luke, bearing in mind that Chewie hasn’t seen Luke for a long time and Rey has only been waiting outside Luke’s home while he sulks for about 30 seconds, Chewie smashes Luke’s metal door, not just down, but across his stone hovel so hard that it almost comes out the other side. The front door was about the only feature it had. Fortunately, Luke survives this potentially lethal incident because he happens to be well clear of the blast radius.

Nitpick #4: The thing Leia did. After nine years, I’ve just got past the initial shock of the incident that we shan’t mention explicitly.

Some people like to talk it over, to debate it, to dissect it, to hate it, and even [shudders] to support it. I prefer to put it out of my mind and pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t want to remember it so much that I have suppressed it to the point where I have a complete mental blank from those few moments in my life when I witnessed it, and I never want to think of it again.

A Wild Bantha Chase

Nitpick #5: The Codebreaker — Weeeoooo! The description that Maz gives about where to find the Code Breaker reminded me of something. “You will find him with a red plom bloom on his lapel, rolling on a high-stakes table.”

And then I remembered! For those who’ve seen Kung Pow, it’s a very similar method of finding a person that Ling gives Chosen One so he can find Master Pain, er, Betty: “He spends his time at the top of a waterfall, swinging a chain around.”

If you’ve seen Kung Pow, I think you will understand the problem I have in taking this plot device seriously. If you haven’t, you should watch it. Weeeoooooo!

Nitpick #6: Hey, Mr. DJ. Finn and Rose get stunned and arrested by the cops when they are right on the cusp of reaching the Master Codebreaker. What a shame. We were really longing to see how this foolish character would have joined their idiotic and utterly fruitless escapade.

According to the internet, the Master Codebreaker is introduced by the creators as a character to fit the archetype of a flawless, romanticized Star Wars hero, but is far more like a character from Johnny English.

Anyway, Rose and Finn end up in a county jail cell (for bad parking?!) with another codebreaker (who probably walked on the grass). This person actually had the ability that only Maz and one other person that we’ve ever heard of had. I mean, the ability to hack into presumably the most advanced ships that the First Order possess, with brand new tech for tracking other ships through light speed, must be pretty rare.

Finn and Rose, despite missing out on meeting the Master Codebreaker, out of all the jail cells, in all the police stations, on all the planets and moons in the entire galaxy, are put in the exact same square footage as DJ. Not the cell next door. Not even opposite. The very same one. The first thing they should have done after getting out was to go back to the casino and put all those coins inside BB-8 and that silly amulet on black.

Unlearn What You Have Learned

Nitpick #7: Let it go. After defeating the plastic Power Rangers that were guarding the previously bisected Snoke, Kylo and Rey have a very uncomfortable conversation about letting things go, and leaving things in the past, and letting old things die. In fact, Kylo screams these kinds of sentiments repeatedly. And they destroy Luke’s lightsaber. I think we just about got the point that the writers are trying to make through this subtle form of thematic messaging. But Kylo is clearly portrayed as wrong in this situation, so what are they ordering us to do as fans? Let the past go? Don’t let it go? I don’t care at this point.

Nitpick #8: Ready salted. A rebel soldier wondered what the white stuff was on the ground outside the Rebel base on Hoth, I mean Crait. So he tastes it, spits it out and says to himself: “Salt.” I remember thinking it was a good thing it wasn’t cyanide. While the camera remains on him for a few seconds, we see the actor’s embarrassment at having to deliver this very strange and unnecessary line. I think he did very well not to go as red as the — what we’re told is — crystalline rhodochrosite underneath the sodium chloride.

Is that how this character habitually explores the world around him, like a 6-month-old baby? If I had been the confused-looking soldier (Gareth Edwards) next to him, I’d have said: “Taste the red stuff as well — what’s that?” They would have great fun getting him to taste stuff later after a few beers:

“The brown stuff in the plant pot — what’s that?”

“The green furry stuff growing on this bread — what’s that?”

“The brown crystally stuff coming out of those crystal critters— what’s that?” “Not brown sugar.”

How does this salt appear? How does it fall from the sky? Who actually cares? In reality it’s just there because they wanted to make it look cool. Well, in the words of Master Yoda, “The greatest teacher, failure is.”

A Nitpicker’s Guide to ‘The Last Jedi’ was originally published in The Ugly Monster on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.