The Favorite Daughter of Patriarchy
What happens when the life you genuinely wanted is also the life society expected you to want?
I did it all. I have it all. I am everybody’s favourite daughter!
I grew up in a quintessential middle-class Indian family where my mother tried to mold me in the ways of society, and my father gave me all the freedom he could afford. I grew up in a family with ambitious women who had aspirations, dreams, and careers, and then sacrificed it all for their families. I grew up in a family with supportive and forward-thinking men who allowed their wives to work if they wanted to, but did not lift a finger in the house to help them.
And I grew up thinking my life would be different.
I was a little girl with big dreams, both professional and domestic. My parents supported me, encouraged me, and reminded me of the barbed edges of reality as well. They kept me grounded. I was polite, well-behaved, asked my questions in private, and got good grades.
I loved science, so I became a scientist. I loved reading, so I became a writer. I fell in love with a man, so I became a wife. I loved children, so I became a mother.
I ticked every box on patriarchy’s list.
I made my family proud and became the role model for all my younger cousins. But when I take a deep dive into my own mind, I know that I did it all for myself. I do it all for myself and enjoy every bit of it. Yet I cannot help but wonder: were my wishes coloured by society’s demands, the expectations of my parents, or my inherent hunger to make them proud?
Most likely.
The uncomfortable truth is that I will never know where my own desires end and my conditioning begins. Perhaps nobody does. We are all shaped by our families, cultures, friendships and expectations. The self is not built in isolation. So I have stopped trying to separate every strand. Instead, I ask a simpler question: If I had the freedom to choose, would I choose this life again? And for me, the answer is yes.
Does this mean I favour the patriarchy?
Absolutely not.
Our dreams and ambitions are a complex concoction of our upbringing, the influences of people around us, and our own internal predispositions. While my dreams and ambitions happened to align rather neatly with those of modern patriarchy, I have also quietly designed a life for myself where I can be my own kind of rebel without disappointing my parents too much. Even at almost forty, my own expectations and my parents’ expectations are still intertwined more than I would like to admit. I have accepted that this will probably never really change.
Once in a while, the gatekeepers of patriarchy in the extended family try to recruit me as one of their ambassadors. They ask me to pull the younger cousins over to this side of the line. The first step in declining that position is making it clear that I am not on their team to begin with.
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This usually results in awkward conversations. Why do I not want others to get married when I got married at the “right” age? Why do I not want others to have children and a competitive career when I am doing exactly that? The answer is simple. My choices were right for me. That does not make them right for everyone else. I generally leave these conversations at lightning speed and thank the gods in every realm that I live on a different continent.
Perhaps that is the nature of soft patriarchy. It does not always command. Sometimes it simply presents one version of a successful life so repeatedly that it begins to feel like the only reasonable choice.
And that is where I find myself conflicted.
Sometimes I wonder whether I am the kind of feminist who prefers building a life to fighting a war. Someone who believes in fighting patriarchy but is also perfectly content in the peaceful life she has carefully designed for herself. A consequence, perhaps, of trying to balance everything and please everyone.
But I cannot and do not wish to alter any part of my past. It has molded me into who I am today: clear-hearted, open-minded, and resilient.
What I can do is raise my children differently.
I can raise them in a way that they are not bound by the laws of patriarchy or held down by the chains of our expectations. I can ensure that they prosper while remaining absolutely true to themselves. I can enable them to live by their own ideals and still design a happy life, even if that life looks different from mine.
I want them to grow up in a family with ambitious women who did not have to make sacrifices to prove their worth. I want them to grow up in a family with supportive and forward-thinking men who do not control their wives but share responsibility for the family, both inside and outside the home. And most importantly, I want them to grow up without wishing for a completely different kind of life.
Patriarchy may still exist decades from now. It may evolve. It may weaken. It may even be crushed. But I am not banking on social change alone to ensure that my children lead happy, peaceful, and fulfilling lives.
I am banking on giving them something far more powerful: The freedom to choose their own.
I am the favourite daughter of patriarchy because I followed the script and happened to enjoy the role.
What I want for my children is something different.
Not rebellion for rebellion’s sake.
Not conformity for approval’s sake.
Simply the freedom to write their own script.
And the confidence to know that they do not need to be anyone’s favourite child but their own person.
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