Why I Chose Electroconvulsive Therapy
Let me first define ECT and explain its purpose to anyone unfamiliar.
ECT, as defined by everyone’s favorite, Wikipedia: “Electroconvulsive therapy entails deliberately inducing a modified generalized seizure under medically-controlled conditions to obtain a therapeutic effect.’ [1] The therapeutic effect being reduced clinical manifestations of one’s mental disorder, therefore leading to less suffering. ‘ECT has been shown through various research trials to cause significant physiological and chemical changes at a molecular level of the brain;’”
I read through a bunch of descriptions and Wiki actually had the most relatable explanation, which is why I chose it.
A family history of mental illness
Growing up without any of our extended family members created a small life, despite being a member of a large family. My dad’s parents always seemed so old, and both passed when I was young. Most of the memories I have of my grandmother are of her always seeming lost and confused. When we were around her, my dad appeared either annoyed, embarrassed, or saddened by her state. As a child, I didn’t understand her and mostly kept to myself on the rare occasions we visited. When I was older, my dad explained to me that she had undergone shock treatments when he was a child. My father described going to see her afterward and that she was disoriented and drooling, and it was unsettling for him to witness; this would have been sometime in the 60s when it was still a new and controversial means of treating mental illness. Even today, I still picture her strapped to a gurney in some dark asylum in Pennsylvania, receiving high voltages of electricity while lights flicker around her. I have no idea what it was really like, but this is what most movies depict and that is the image that sticks.
Not my grandmother, but close to that time.
Fast forward to 2023, where after years of taking just about every antidepressant this side of the pharmacy, I was ready to end it all. My husband had me admitted to a psychiatric ward where I was offered the chance to try ECT. I think at this point, I would have administered it to myself while lying in a pool of water during a lightning storm. I had tried to hang myself just days before, so I figured why not? The staff were casually kind and moved about as if it were the most routine procedure they’d ever conducted. Being prior medical and working in military hospitals for 8 years, I am comfortable in hospitals and knowledgeable of most of what is taking place. I have little to no phobias and don’t mind placing my trust in the hands of medical professionals. I was surprised to see other patients in the med bay separated by curtains like one would see in an emergency room. It wasn’t a sterile private room and a far cry from a dark asylum. This made it feel very laid back and commonplace. The nurses were the same ones I had met while in the ward, which surprised me for some reason, but I was happy to see familiar faces. The only part that felt somewhat creepy was placing the large rubber block in my mouth to protect my tongue during the procedure. I was given Toradol in my IV to help with the migraines I would have after the procedure and then I counted back while being administered the anesthesia. The next thing I knew, I was awake with a screaming headache, a slightly sore jaw, and no idea where the hell I was.
My first two treatments took place while I was inpatient, but the next three I did after I had gone home. This meant I had to have a ride and someone to stay with me and then take me back home. Thankfully, I have a beautiful friend who has become more like a sister or human angel who lives next door.
I lost quite a bit of my short-term memory and could not remember anything about the town we had lived in for the last year. This made driving anywhere almost impossible, but as a mother of 5, I didn’t have much choice. I didn’t know where I knew people from and had no idea how to get anywhere. I am so grateful for my GPS now more than ever! The earth also looked different as if I had never noticed how the land looked compared to the roads. Trying to picture anything outside of the city itself was overwhelming. The colors were clear and brighter, and other than feeling like a fish out of water, it was like I was looking at the world for the first time. Putting make-up on was fun because the pigments were intensely brighter than before, and my skin looked softer and refreshed. It was as if a dullness was removed from my vision. I did have quite a lot of frustration around my memory loss, but it was nothing that was so upsetting that I regretted the ECT. The one thing I absolutely cannot remember is the Halloween Street fair we all got dressed up for, which took place the day before my 5th ECT. I sit and stare at all the pictures and am pleased with how happy we all look but can’t recall even one minute of it.
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My beautiful family at the Halloween Parade the day before my last ECT
My best friend and neighbor dressed as a Fallen Angel, although she is more like a real one to me.
The big question is… will I finish the treatments?
It is recommended to follow a course of 15 treatments that run consecutively. The memory loss, however, solidified my decision on whether I would finish the full treatments of 15 ECTs. I have had a few bad days since, which I thought would be eliminated, and landed me back on several of my medications. That is a bit of a disappointment but is not a complete surprise. My biggest concern is that I am starting a new job that I have worked hard to get, and I have to be of sound mind when I start training for it in about two weeks from today November 17, 2023. I will say that when I am in a good mood, it is slightly more elevated than before, and I am more motivated, which is why I am finally writing for the first time. I hope that my emotions will continue to improve once I am over the sinus infection that I have been suffering from since my last ECT.
Me right before my last ECT treatment
My decision to stop for now seems like a good one. I can’t say my results were overwhelmingly successful and enough for me to want to continue. I won’t say that I will never go back, because mental illness is a horrible condition to have, and I am reminded of the fact I am not fully well every time I throw my handful of meds in my mouth each day and night. It is also not fun to still get unreasonably upset over what seems like nothing to most people. I do think my experience after having 5 can maybe help anyone considering ECT to hear. I would encourage anyone to do your research and to chronicle your own experiences as well.
Thanks for reading and stay well!!
