DON’T EAT THE SUGAR PLUMS

‘The Nutcracker’ Broke My Brain

Perish on my sword, dancing mice!

Image by Dezgo

I remember my grandpap sitting me down and saying, “Boy, whatever you do in this dadgum life, don’t see George Balanchine’s “The Nutcracker” until you’re at least 58 years old. Promise me. That dadgum’mess’ll scar ya for life.”

Obeying his edict, I have lived a long, rich life avoiding Tchaikovsky’s ubiquitous holiday ballet and so, I never saw it. Not even once.

But then yesterday, in a moment of hubris, I thought to myself, “I’m old enough. I can handle ‘The Nutcracker’ now,” and clicked the Play icon on YouTube.

I emerged two hours later, shaken and lost. I’m sorry, Grandpap.

You tried.

Here’s the story — don’t blame me.

A bearded wizard crashes a giant-ass Victorian family Christmas Eve dance party and starts distributing magical gifts, including creepy live toys which emerge from ribboned boxes and dance mechanically after he “winds them up.”