THE HOSE STRIKES AGAIN

Backyard Is a Tangle of Lies

Hardware store promises, NASA jargon, and one firefighter daughter with a championship‑level smirk

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Written with heart, humor and a stubborn refusal to stay silent
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That’s about as kinky as it gets around here. Illustration by CoPilot

What’s with garden hoses and kinks? No. Not those kind. Honestly, get your mind out of the mulch.

I’m talking about the kind that tie up in knots whenever I lug the hose around the yard. No matter how hard I try, no matter how careful I am, I don’t make it five feet before the water dams up behind some suddenly twisted obstruction.

It happens all the time. Including yesterday.

I was working my way through our freshly cut lawn, tossing liquid mercy on the wilted willows and dehydrated dahlias. While I was at it, I sprayed a few drops on our acres of weeds — gotta keep something thriving around here.

What a pain.

The guy at the hardware store assured me my fancy hose had a deep aversion to being tied up. He said so like a man who has neither a hose nor a conscience.

It’ll be fine, he said. It says so right on the label, he pointed out.