SATIRE
American Electoral Disorder
A controversial disorder controversially scientifically agreed
On November 4 2020, just a day after the planned 2020 election (which was somehow postponed — you morons scare me for a pointless day), British scientific journal Nature published a viral journal, basically saying that there is a scientific consensus-reach going on regarding a newly-discovered disorder called the American Electoral Disorder (AED), as well as how it might impact the future of America — if it even exists.
In the journal written by Allison Abbott, the AED is described as a disorder when certain electoral or political event or news either cheer the infected person hyperactively, or sadden/anger/depress the infected person, often to the point where suicide, divorce, and ill wills occur.
The AED is proposed to be caused by a new-known disease named Patriot extreme disease, caused by a rhinovirus strain named Acute rally stress rhinovirus. According to the proposal, the AED is hereditary; parents with it have a distinct signature in their DNA that may pass to the child. It is also vaguely proposed that AED may cause the infected to garner more interest in politics, and may choose a political major and/or choose to be a political figure, making politics a huge aspect of their lives. Abbott called this “concerning,” considering that politics has been 16th most reported cause of suicide, a very prominent example of peer pressure, and the 4th most reported cause of bisexual divorce.
Many scientists have showed agreement to the proposal, or at least some of it. Sean Michael Carroll, a theoretical physicist, say, “This has a lot to do with theoretical physics, which I excel in a lot, which I excel in a lot, which I very excel in a lot. The impacts of AED has been spotted over the past few weeks, and considering the many adverse impacts of politics, an AED epidemic or even pandemic would mean a further push to entropy and the world ending sooner. Politics has control of nature, and it’s scary to me.”
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In order to make that person’s thought more sensical: the AED has a lot of adverse impacts proposed, many of which have been seen over the past few weeks, the “critical eleven” — a critical time in aviation 11 minutes before takeoff and 7 minutes before landing when crashes are most likely — of election time, or any major political event. Violence have surged as America is rubbing their hands, cancelling their Jerking Sunday whilst hoping the polls are all rigged by either a Republican, Democrat, or Asian. Divorce rates surged by 16% in just two days because the two have opposing ideology.
“If this is real, then to be brutally honest, I wouldn’t have arrived here [at Nature’s office] to talk about this. Rather, amidst the journey, I would’ve been fucked by BLM and anti-lockdown protesters,” said Nathan Godfather, an expert in social sciences. “But I’ll say there’s a 50/50 chance of this existing. It has not been announced who’s president, and since we’re a long road from 2021, we’re probably in the safe zone right now.”
Some other proposals have been seen as bizarre that many scientist disputed it immediately. Most notably, the proposal that AED sufferers are allergic to dark and observational humor, and that they have more literacy than any other, mostly due to the fact that they kept chasing to the latest political news, and that political news are observed to be more comprehensive than other types of articles. To AED sufferers, everything is serious, and that nothing is seen as funny. Another proposal is that AED sufferers have more violence and cybercrime records than Muhammad bin Salman and Hasan Minhaj.
Noticing the eerie silence and slow division juicing in the United States of America right now, it probably isn’t a good time to publish a possibly-offending article. But Nature did, because we all know who Nature is.
We are […] powerless to penetrate beyond her. […] We constantly act upon her, and yet have no power over her.
— Nature: Aphorisms by Goethe
So it is expected that nationwide controversy blew up. #FuckNature became the trending hashtag on Twitter, although Nature said that they are not surprised because “everything’s trending on Twitter nowadays.” Many ask for the article to be retracted and for Nature to encourage people to vote, but Nature with all bravery refused to. Some asked for Nature to be boycotted, because they apparently “violated the freedom of speech in beloved America.” The political stance of Nature is also questioned, with equal amounts of people calling Nature either far-left or far-right. “We’re far-factual” is what Nature answered to the public via their Twitter account.
So far, the AED can be either true or false. But everyone can seem to agree that things are going wrong in the United States. If this is wrong, perhaps this is Nature’s other integrity: bewilder the readers by the force of Nature. Whether this disease and virus is real is not to be concerned. But if AED is real, perhaps 2020 has a next descendant, and it’s coming near.
