Bathroom Surprises
Dick pics and steamy questions
Standing in the hot shower reminiscing the events leading to my upcoming Workers’ Compensation claim and Me-Too civil lawsuit against my former employer Miss Wrinkles… for drugging me with viagra and restraining me via a vice-grip kegel … comprising an unsafe work environment of serial priapism… the time had arrived to take account of Miss Wrinkles handiwork.
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As I exit the steamy shower to stand in front of the fogged up mirror… eyes now lowered to the still clear part of the mirror… perusing obvious gains in length and girth… all things considered… worth it! Reaching to wipe the condensate off the top half of the mirror… my camera at the ready… to my surprise… the following questions were visible… which could have only come from Lynn L. Alexander!
- Have you ever scuba dived? If not, would you like to? I have no interest in scuba diving as the pressure really gets to my ears. I enjoy snorkeling but not past 6–10 feet. I’d like to have a submarine to pursue anything deeper… and it needs to have a vacuum arm to suck up the lobsters!
- If money were no object, would you buy a $32,000 toilet with custom lighting, heated seating, built-in music, and a bidet? Also comes with automatic lid opening and closing and automatic flushing. Absolutely not since Miss Wrinkles had one and the aim of the bidet blasted my nuts.
- Who is/was your favorite nightime talk show host? Johnny Carson by far… polished, funny and a great interviewer. He also enjoyed certain guests like Rodney Dangerfield and Don Rickles where that polish disappeared into uncontrollable laughter. Leno was alright but Carson was such a tough act to follow. I stopped watching late night decades ago but I do remember getting stuck in front of a hotel room TV laughing my ass off at Craig Ferguson a few times… dude is quick witted, genial and hilarious. Talks funny too.
- If you lost power and could have one thing work, what would it be? My halo of course!
- Would you rather ride on a camel or elephant? Neither? Neither.
- Would you rather have angel hair or regular spaghetti? Regular spaghetti since angel hair is less forgiving when cooked…..and I’d be concerned about it being ethically sourced. I suppose they go on retreat until their hair grows back?
- What is a smell you cannot tolerate? More than 1? After a run in with a pint of B&O scotch in high school I still can’t stand the smell. When I tended bar I dreaded every time I poured the bottle. Although I can tolerate 20+ year scotch when offered…..though I still don’t like it.
- How much would you miss Medium if it closed? I wouldn’t miss Medium per se……rather the people I enjoy reading/conversing with on Medium. I learn a lot and its always good to not exist in an echo chamber.
- What age would you like to live until? The age at which I no longer enjoy life.
- Would you rather swallow a pill or eat a gummy? A pill assuming it is a size that I can easily swallow. I’m always amazed at the proliferation of gummies in the supplements aisle at the pharmacy. So many adults don’t know how to take a pill? Imagine telling someone ‘Take a chill gummy!’
Having taken and sent the dick pics to my lawyer……to compare with previous dick pics Miss Wrinkles insisted upon for my resume……over Skype my lawyer now questions whether I can make a believable case of having been harmed, rather than coming across as an ingrate. I also question his surveying the female staff…..which reached the conclusion I should have stayed longer in the employ of Miss Wrinkles!
