to be or not to be…?
There is a war raging inside of me, a blood-curdling one, one that twists your gut and knots your chest. I fear most of us young people in our 20’s feel the same way.
This knot in my chest has become ever-present, it wakes with me, breathes with me, it eats me alive, rattles me and then again finds its birth in my nightmares. It feels like a devil on my shoulder- nobody else can see it but it is always there to weigh me down. It’s sitting right here on my shoulder, spinning its wheel of wickedness, filling my mind with its poison. It’s always here, commanding attention, not letting me breathe even for a second.
And I know the cause of this, it’s of course the age old question of “to be or not to be”.
Let me explain the context behind this. As an overachieving, apparently “brilliant” child, I grew up assuming that my life would surely be a pinnacle of success. I was so sure of it that I could literally feel it in my bones. Is that true for you too? My fellow overachievers.
Yet, now that I am in my early twenties, life has been giving me constant whiplashes. Even after giving my best, more than the best of my capabilities, when it comes to reaping the benefits, life has a way of raining a havoc on my harvest, completely barring my fields.
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I honestly never expected it all to be so out of control. Why don’t they warn us about these things at school, why don’t they teach us how to navigate life. All the algebraic equations, theorems , proofs that we studied have yet to prove their utility to me, but I guess they never really will. We were so delved in studying history that we never really paid attention to what will actually matter in the future. I feel like I am in a state of free fall, completely out of my control. That’s how adulting feels, at least to me.
I was sitting today at the breakfast table, my family surrounding me, when I suddenly burst into a stream of tears. Not even a few teardrops, but a full-blown downpour of tears coming from my eyes. My mother came rushing to me, my father’s face panic-stricken, me telling them I don’t like where my life is going. This is not how I imagined it to be.
All that effort, where and when did it evaporate, leaving nothing in its wake.
They tried to console me, “its okay, there is no need to pursue ‘great’ things in life, your life doesn’t need to be flashy, just focus on your health and happiness. Don’t go around ruining yourself, chasing success.” And I understand them, I do, but I just can’t seem to accept it in my heart. For I am a child raised on drive and ambition. My entire life, I have been thrusting through life. How can I slow down now, now that I am in the most important part of my life, my twenties, it’ll either make or break me. If I don’t chase success now, when will I.
But the more I chase, the more it rushes further away. Maybe success isn’t a thing you can run and grab, maybe it is a thing you hope for. Maybe it is all about finding what you like, keep trying, and then maybe, maybe, not surely, but maybe success will knock on your door.
Maybe that’s the true way of life.
This story is Published in The Ink Home.
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