A Soul’s Reclamation
A letter to the one who woke me up, and the part of me I had forgotten.
On surrender, soul connections, and the sacred art of letting go.
Damn, I need the freedom to breathe in this moment.
I feel so sad — sad for the future I’ve built in my head with one soul I’ve truly cared for in my lifetime.
And I’m not certain what’s more responsible at this point: to surrender to the way my life is showing up, or to keep this vision in my head that includes the great love I see as possible with my twin flame.
Honestly, if I want this great, big, beautiful love with my twin, I’m going to have to give him up for now.
He needs space — at least that’s what his actions have shown me — and I need time to step back from this connection and choose a path for myself, based on what is showing up in reality, and not the fantasy I’ve built.
I want for myself a lifetime of joy, beauty, happiness, compassion, connectedness, and love. And I pray that we will continue to have peace in this world and in our own country. I don’t want to fight my brothers and sisters, even if they think differently than I do. I’m tired of fighting. I want to spread love and joy in my lifetime and meet people where they are.
I also hope I never lose the reverence that I feel for you, my beloved twin. Since I awoke to our connection, you have been at the forefront of my mind. Always in my mind, and this whole time all I’ve been concerned with is whether you feel the same.
You are one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever had the privilege to know. And if you ask me why I love you so, I won’t be able to answer sufficiently.
I don’t know why.
Why does the moon reflect the sun?
Why does the sun shine?
Why is the sky blue?
These are questions I’m certain could be answered scientifically, but that is not the point. The point is, these are things we encounter every day, and most of us don’t know the why behind them — we just accept them as universal truths.
And so is my love for you. I don’t know why I love you so much. I just do. I felt it deeply, within, the first time we met.
I thought I would be fine always having you up on that pedestal, in an untouchable manner. I also never expected you to love me the way you do. I didn’t want to upend the life I had built. But I was beginning to see that the “safety and security” in this life of mine was also incredibly stagnant. I was no longer growing, or learning, or reaching for new ways of being. I was stuck.
And I couldn’t spend any more time living my life in that manner. My soul wanted to come alive. I needed to feel an awakening in my body and soul, and just weeks after my 43rd birthday, during our third encounter in person, it happened. And I’m so grateful to you for being the one to wake me up.
I will always love you, and I will always hold you in my heart.
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But God, please, I am just so scared to lose him.
Why am I so scared?
He has made a profound difference in my life, and I understand that although this awakening came from deep within me, I don’t know how it could have happened without him. And then I built this dream in my head for myself with him at the forefront and handed him the starring role — without even considering myself for the part.
And as I write this, it gives me genuine pause for the first time in this whole journey. I did not come here to give the starring role to another. I came here to live it for myself. It is both my privilege and my responsibility to write and live this story, simply because it’s my story.
How would I feel if someone else gave me the starring role in their own story?
I would feel it is difficult to breathe.
I would feel closed in.
I would feel caged.
I would feel as though I didn’t have the freedom or flexibility to live my life the way I choose, and I would run from that as fast as I could — so as to not be locked up, so as to not be contained.
Perhaps one of the most beautiful extensions of love that we can truly give to one another, is the freedom for every soul to be fully their own.
And if someone wants to come and stay for a while, I will enjoy my time with them in each moment. And if and when that time comes to a completion, I will thank them for the beautiful moments we shared together.
And when I look back, I will look back fondly.
I have been so afraid to lose you, dear man, that I didn’t even see I was building walls to keep you in, instead of allowing you to be set free. God, I wish for you the most amazing and stunningly beautiful life. And if and when our paths cross again, you will find only reverence in my eyes. And I will deeply cherish our time together. I have always enjoyed you so much.
I apologize for the walls I began building around you to keep our love safe. And in this moment, I release you. I set you free to seek and live your best life. And I reclaim my energy and my spirit for myself to do the same.
I wish the most beautiful and expansive life for myself as well, open to all that my heart has room for. And whoever shows up in my little world, I will welcome with open and loving arms. And if and when I’m ready to move on, I will feel grateful to be released once again.
And if there ever comes a time I want to tie myself to another, I will be sure that we both are given long expanses of rope that can easily be untethered, should either of us wish to be free again.
Oh, and before I go, one big wish for myself: that I am given the most real and romantic love story, unique in its own way, that ever occurred upon this earth.
And in the moments before, during and in-between, God, let me be a living vessel of your light.
I love you, my beloved. Forevermore.
