this year

I am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
- mountain goats

There’s still four months left in the year and I’m ready to usher it out. It hasn’t been a particularly bad year for me personally, in fact things have been pretty good on the home front. But it’s been a year, if you know what I mean.

Even when things are going well, every day is a struggle when you are beset with an anxiety disorder and depression. It’s work just to get through the waking hours, and the hours when you’re supposed to be sleeping are filled with wide-awake moments, eyes focused on the ceiling, worries invading your tired mind.

I spend a lot of my day having a silent conversation with myself, usually in the form of pep talks that I somehow refuse to take to heart. It’s going to be ok, I tell myself. You’ll get through the day. You’ll live through the night. I don’t always believe it. I anticipate things going wrong.

I saw this tweet yesterday and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. When I saw it, I was in a ridiculously good mood. I’d been in that mood since Friday. I had spent the weekend — including days off Friday and Monday — reading, taking walks, napping, eating, celebrating my birthday. It was a glorious weekend with beautiful fall-like weather and my mood was better than it’s been in years. Yet I couldn’t fully enjoy it. I kept waiting. Waiting for the anxiety to break into my bliss, waiting for it all to collapse.