QUESTION DANGEROUSLY

The Question That Almost Ended My Marriage

Before it could begin…

by author

I love hypothetical questions. My wife does not.

I live to say, “You can have ten million bucks, tax-free, but for the rest of your life your teeth will fire out of your head once a day at bullet speeds. Would you do it? You’d know it was about to happen, but only three seconds before. And don’t worry, the teeth regrow immediately, so they’re always ready to fire again the next day.”

Mindy sighs and answers. Too quickly. “I don’t know.” She didn’t even think about the question. She did not find it delightful.

Impossible.

“Just answer.”

“I did. I don’t know.”

“Look, if we can’t talk, is this even a marriage?”

“Fine,” says Mindy, “what’s the muzzle velocity?”

“What?”

“Are we talking .22 caliber teeth, 9mm, .223?”

“I don’t know. It’s just fast as a speeding bullet.”

“Are my teeth hollow-point, wadcutters, full metal jacket, armor-piercing?”

“They’re teeth.”

“And what’s the propellant? Do I have gunpowder gums?”