Unbeginning Again
A Petrichor Poem
I will ruin this.
I promise you.
I ruin them all.
You’ll leave.
Running the way shoes fall off
and never slowing.
Crying the way
you promised you never would again.
I will ruin you.
The way I love
leaves only one road out.
Past the burning buildings
and could have beens.
Charred moments
soured by the disappearance.
I know no other way.
You will hate me.
I hold the line until you pull me in.
I listen to everything you say
remembering the strings
as I pull them
delicately
intentionally
wanting you to love me whole.
I will hate me.
When you leave.
You will.
Leave.
When you’re screaming
at an empty face.
Eyes open
adrift.
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I will see through you.
I walk through walls.
Slip through cracks.
I can caress the tender
scabby places
fingering the wounds
open kissing whispering
just let me heal you.
You will look for me.
Searching for an answer.
Any word or feeling.
I will look at you
holding your knees
and rocking on my floor
hiding your tears.
I’ll lose sight of the shore.
I will lose you.
You will float away in me
unmoored from reality.
How did this happen?
Fast.
A child’s fingers on a
light switch.
I will sit in the dark.
I did love you.
Somewhere.
In the dead marrow of loss.
With a breath
I exhaled.
I knew I would hurt you.
I had to before
you hurt me.
You would ruin me.
We tremble descend
the spiral staircase
past my lungs
into the blood-black sludge marsh.
Heart ripples on the surface.
Inhale.
Under the surface, there’s a door.
We will drown.
Clawing at the door
between submerged reeds
and floating memories.
Inside the stone walls sweat.
A small table in the middle of the room.
Two chairs.
We stand there eyes agape.
There she sits.
In this room for two.
One holds the gaze of both.
Go she says.
You know.
She means you.
Through the door, you float to the surface.
You will drown.
I will ruin.
I am ruin.
I am so sorry.
I knew you would hurt
me.
Who is she?
Who are you?
What is love?
