I Am, Am I?
I am sorry
Sorry that you are hurting
Sorry for your fear
Sorry for your grief
Sorry for the intergenerational trauma you carry from my forebears
People who looked just like me
White, middle-aged, male.
*****
I feel it, often, in my gut
Palpable, raw, just below the surface
Often preventing a deeper connection
Occasionally rising to destroy any attempt at public reconciliation
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What atrocities they must have committed to make you see me like them
What pain they must have caused you to make you fear me
Undermining my heartfelt intent, cruelling our potential
And leaving me confused and broken…
Do you see me then?
Does it please you?
*********
I am sorry
Sorry that I sometimes say the wrong things,
Sorry words said in conditioned ignorance could do such harm
Not knowing the PTSD they might trigger until just after I’ve said them.
Culture has framed us, flavouring what is transmitted and received
And, even though it is not meant the way you hear it
And it is hard to call back once said and heard
I reflect on every one of my words that causes harm.
For this I need your help.
****************
Please help me see
What memories do I surface from your deep past and present?
As I stumble, and bumble along, meaning well, yet tripping on my tongue
Sensing rising anguish, or gradual withdrawal
And my ignorance of your deeper history is bared,
As distance grows between us despite our mutual need,
Do you see me trying?
Or judge me harshly for my cultured ignorance and childlike steps?
*******************
Once felt the fear of falling must be balanced
Against the possibility of crossing the gulf safely –
For part of you wants me, needs me to succeed.
Please tell me you can see me, moving, growing,
A willing ally if educated in ways to bridge the gap.
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You know we cannot be, whole, if you do not help me,
And I think you know why I keep trying.
***************
I am sorry
Sorry it is taking me so long to grow
To grow, to see, evolve into the man I must become
From work-in-progress to on-the-path
From on-the-path to trusted friend?
From trusted friend to confidante?
From confidante to soulmate?
**************
I am sorry
Sorry I might come across as arrogant, knowing or patronising
For pointing out the gaps or patterns I’m just now seeing and sensing.
For articulating what others have longer known, yet many fear to say,
Speaking truth to power and using my privilege for good.
****************
How can we become whole if we cannot all see the fragmented parts?
Why would we reconcile if we assume we are already ‘one’?
Yet, perversely, I note my attempts to integrate sometimes dis-integrate.
Should I stop, cease, desist, from that which makes me me?
Or keep learning, with those willing to assist?
*****************
I am sorry
Sorry if you still see me
As the older white enculturated male you know so well,
The one you have encountered too many times before,
The one you know how to project in ways that give you certainty
And justify your actions, yet me no room for movement or growth,
For I fear I will become your self-fulfilling prophesy
Trapped until I set in the mold you have me cast in…
But only for you… for others already see me differently.
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To those who’ve overcome their fears to see and hold me gently, let me grow,
I am honoured to walk with you… flow with you, guided by your love.
To those who cannot see me, yet,
Beyond their projector’s beam, I am sorry,
Please, let me try to exceed our expectations,
Illuminate the room as I sense we can
Let the system see itself, evolving,
Through me, through us, through we.
Truly
Sorry
I am
Neil Davidson
November 2017
