Jokes

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As they go inside, God himself appears and says "my child, you have lived your life seeking answers, as misguided as your searching has been. Worry not. You are safe here, and I am ready to answer any questions you might have with perfect, absolute truth."

If they go back in time and meet themselves, it would create a pair of dachshunds

…in a forest when they come across an old abandoned barn. They quickly run inside, with maybe seconds to spare before their pursuers catch up to the group.

A man wakes up with a hangover after a night of drinking. He doesn't even remember how he got home, and is worried that his wife will be mad.

...and asks the bartender for the WiFi password.

He asks the nurse: "Where am I?"

It's privately owned.

He picks it up, takes one look at the front page, sighs, and puts the paper back down.

He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender wants the money up front but the hippie doesn't have any. So the guy next to him offers to buy, and they start talking and drinking and drinking and talking.

One of them knows how to read, one of them knows how to write, and one of them keeps an eye on those two intellectuals.

Clowns have to go to college.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

A man is sitting on a bench in the hallway, waiting to be called to give testimony, when a judge passes by. The judge is in a fit of chuckles, even wiping a tear from his eye.

The Spitfire

You've just been kidnapped by, bear with me, an intelligent animal who can read your social media posts and, bear with me, your only way to ask for help is by leaving subtle messages within your post, BEAR WITH ME.

Pig Latin

I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.

And, crowded as it was I had to stand very close to this beautiful young woman. Bouncing and jarring into each other as the train moved all I could think is... please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner.

So, like, if you stand in a gas giant, do you fall or can you stand on top if it even though it's gas?

When he gets a day pass to visit Earth, he goes into a bar in Moscow, orders a vodka and insistently asks if Crimea, Donbas, Kyiv and the whole Ukraine are still "ours." Reassured by the bartender's affirmative answers, he asks for the check. "Five euros," the waiter replies.

That's an offer that's hard to turn down, or at least to look into a little. And the sign is right by the house with the dog sat on the porch, so it's easy enough to check out.

Because they're hill areas.

His first swindle was trading blankets to the Cherokee nation

He uses an abacus to cook his books

He goes to Epstein Island for bird watching

He uses an AOL email address to sell top secret documents to terrorist states.

That his tiny hands were considered normal size for people in his times

An elderly Catholic priest dies one night peacefully in his sleep after a long life of serving God, and finds himself standing at the pearly gates.

They identify as her/she

A swallow

The genie appears before him and declares "I am a powerful genie! Due to budget cuts, I will only be granting one wish, but you can wish for anything you desire and I shall make it come true!"

A woman is out shopping, and suddenly spots her husband. As she's about to say hello to him, she notices the man is filthy: his clothes have stains from spilt food and drinks, his face and hands are dark with mud and grime.

His pants fit like a glove!

There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view.

Genie: There are 3 rules... no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing back dead people.

"I don't always oppress my citizens, but when I do, I make sure they know who's boss."

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

Saint Peter looks over the three men and sighs, gently shaking his head. "Look, we're doing some renovations in there at the moment, so we can't accept too many people at once. We can take one of you, so... Whoever had the most tragic death, you get to go in first. Sound good?"

Thankfully, they're both decent enough people for them to wind up in heaven. Hand in hand, the pair walk up to Saint Peter, stood by the pearly gates, and ask him "is it possible for us to get married in heaven?"

An astro-not.

The idea is that, when he goes out on the town and winds up drunk, his shoes can intelligently walk him home without him getting lost. The only problem was that the shoes were too smart, and wanted to see more of the world than just the road between the pub and his house. Every so often, he'd sober up and find himself on a beach or by a river or some such.

They have little anty bodies

A bear walks into a bar, and approaches the bartender.

A pirate walks into a bar, with a large steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. As he approaches the bartender, he is met with bewildered stares.

The officer brings Joe into the room and says "I'm afraid his face was heavily damaged in the attack. We've done our best using dental records, but we need you to help confirm his identity."

the third one ducks