Absurd Standards
I envisioned myself traveling on a bus to Kaiserslautern just as I woke up. Kaiserslautern is a small city in southern Germany. It is one of the few universities that accept students for an Advanced Quantum Mechanics master’s. I’ve always aspired to pursue a master’s degree in Quantum Mechanics. However, they only admit students in the winter semester, and I applied in the summer semester. So, obviously, they didn’t accept me. Now, I yearn to pursue a Ph.D. in Quantum Computing from there.
You know how thoughts go, like falling dominoes. I recalled making a bet with a friend in 9th grade that I’d earn my Ph.D. before turning 25, and I’ve just turned 24. It’s impossible to achieve my Ph.D. before 25. Like a snowflake slowly melting on your skin, I sit with my messy hair, experiencing a fresh dose of unaccomplished feelings.
People take souvenirs from the places they visit, but not me. I fill my closet with things I’ve not done right. If I let my subconscious self-control, he will surely create a museum for people to visit and learn what one should never do.
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It’s not the first thing I’m late at. I should’ve started a writing business months ago. I should’ve emailed my professor about the work contract. I should’ve applied for some coding jobs. Perhaps, my life was the inspiration for that famous ghazal from Muneer Niyazi — “Hamesha der kar deta hun.”
People praise me for the work I do and the things I’ve done, but the things I hold myself accountable to, my own wall of absurd standards, never really let anything penetrate.
Until yesterday, it was my birthday party. We made momos. Sid had a Nepali roommate, and she makes really nice momos. So Sid convinced her to make them on my birthday. Everyone was sitting and talking, and I was making everyone laugh as I usually do. I said to Sid, “I have a joke about the Nobel Prize, but you won’t get it,” and everyone burst into laughter. The woman from Nepal complimented me, “Oh, you are smart.” Then one of my friends said, “Yeah, yeah, he won the math Olympiad in 8th grade.” The party continued, but I was stuck on that compliment and response. I never take compliments; I try to prove them wrong. The exact line my mind had ready was, “Yeah, maybe I can make a joke or two, but I failed solid state.”
Perhaps I don’t do justice to things I do in the shadow of things I don’t. Me, winning the math Olympiad holds even if I fail Solid State again. This was the first time I was defending myself. Thinking about this today has revealed some reasons as to why things panned out as they did. It was simply not possible to do anything other than physics and earning money. I cannot ask for contract renewal with my professor because I was not confident enough that I knew C++ well enough to be employed. I never started a writing business because I was too busy earning money for my sister’s wedding. I needed money immediately, but businesses take some time. Everything was told to me. Every reason was written in my diary. Every reason was shouted by my parents and friends, but “doing” had blinded me.
Everyone looks for a change in a story, so have I changed? A little, yeah. These things will haunt me, but there’s hope. There’s a chance that I will accept the reasons and move on. Do things and be okay with things I can’t. But these things will haunt me, that I am sure of. Then maybe this is a cliffhanger ending. Oh, cliffhangers! They make people think, ‘Will Jay ever come out of his prison of standards?’ Curious? Then stick around :)
