Step Off My Wheel

Throughout my life, I have attempted to keep people happy who were not meant to be part of my life. They would ask what I would do, which would never be good enough. There have also been few and scattered people who accepted me as I was where I was. Throughout all this, one thing has become increasingly apparent. Some people want a fight, but they are not interested in having a peaceful interaction. Nobody can do anything to appease them because they are not seeking appeasement. They do things in public, creating a negative interaction. The internet is filled with them finding a subject they can attack, and there they all are. At first, we react by defending ourselves, but they don’t care if they are correct or even if the subject is right or wrong. Their only desire is to create a hormone dump for themselves. The “Oh, I showed them” and “What you are going to come back with now” crowd, we all interacted with them. A few months ago, the universe started to teach me the lesson of stepping off my wheel. The stepping off the wheel and learning the lesson began before he died, and in the end, the narcissistic games didn’t work. I no longer needed him to validate anything. I knew I was treating him kindly, and he was being cared for. To the degree I lived in a chair so he would stay in a hospital for medical care. Now I am learning, and sometimes it still hits me, though I quickly regain more control. I only want a tight group of friends; frankly, the flaws that people project often push me out of a situation. If it is not someone I wish to interact with, the response is to step off my wheel. I block and move on.
I do not interact with people in public, creating a scene; I just avoid them for the next person who may flip their trauma trigger and move forward. For those who are kind, I will draw them closer. I will no longer be attacked for something. If you don’t like what I say, that’s fine. It wasn’t meant for you and me to have a conversation. When I was young, I was grounded. I understood that people float in and out of our lives. As I became entangled in the narcissistic games of my father, stepfather, grandfather, and husband, who at one point were overlapping each other, I lost that compass. I don’t want people to like me; I want people to be drawn to me and I to them because we have things to learn together. If someone is not on my journey, then step off my wheel.