RANDAL
(to Becky)
I don’t mind people snickering at
the stupid uniform I’ve gotta
wear, but I’ll be damned if I’m
gonna let some self-righteous,
lucky turd come in here and treat
me and Dante like we’re a couple
of phucking porch-monkeys.
The Husband and Wife stop chatting amongst themselves
and stare, wide-eyed, at Randal. Beck and Dante go wide-
eyed. Randal looks around perplexed.
DANTE
RANDAL!
(to Wife)
I’m sorry! He’s new!
WIFE
He really didn’t say what I think
he just said?
70.
CONTINUED: (3)
(CONTINUED)
RANDAL
What - porch-monkeys?
BECKY
(to Randal, pissed)
What the phuck is wrong with you?!
WIFE
I want my money back right now!
BECKY
Of course. Please take the food
too - on us.
WIFE
Oh, no. I’m not eating something
that was cooked by some crack-ass
hate-monger!
HUSBAND
I will. Baby, you can’t taste
racism!
RANDAL
What racism? “Porch-monkey”?
WIFE
(lunges)
You little...
Randal recoils, ready for a fight. The Husband pulls
the Wife back.
HUSBAND
C’mon baby, it ain’t worth it!
WIFE
You’re luck my husband doesn’t
jump over this counter and knock
your teeth out!
RANDAL
Why?
HUSBAND
Yeah, why? It’s not like he
called us porch-monkeys...
WIFE
You little...
The Wife starts smacking her Husband with her purse.
71.
CONTINUED: (4)
(CONTINUED)
HUSBAND
Woman, stop hitting me! You
remember what the judge said
about you putting your hands on
people.
BECKY
(handing Wife her money)
Here, take this. This is your
money. And take the food,
please. We’re so sorry.
WIFE
Oh, hell no! I’m gonna write to
the paper about his. And all
ya’ll are getting fired!
She starts moving toward the door.
HUSBAND
(defiantly to Wife, as he
takes a bag of food)
I’m taking the food.
The Wife rushes her Husband, slaps the bag of food out
of his hands, and storms out. The Husband drags after
her.
HUSBAND
DAMN!
(muttering under his
breath)
Phucking porch-monkeys...
As they exit, Becky calls after them.
BECKY
Thanks. Come again!
Becky rears on Randal.
BECKY
Are you out of your phucking
mind?!
RANDAL
What?! What’s the big deal?
Since when is it a crime to say
porch-monkey?
BECKY
Oh, I don’t know. Since...
FOREVER!
72.
CONTINUED: (5)
(CONTINUED)
RANDAL
Why?
DANTE
Because porch-monkey is a racial
slur against black people!
RANDAL
No, it’s not. N!ggerr is.
BECKY
Jesus!
DANTE
RANDAL!
ELIAS
Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a
n!gger?
BECKY
Shut up, Elias!
RANDAL
I didn’t call Mr. Dante a n!gger -
just said that n!ggerr is a racial
slur.
DANTE
So is porch-monkey!
RANDAL
No, it isn’t. C00n, spook,
spade, moolie, jigaboo, N!g-nog -
those are racial slurs. Porch-
monkey is not a racial slurr..
BECKY
(exasperated)
I’m gonna try to forget this
conversation ever happened.
Elias, I want you to clean up
that mess...
(up in Randal’s grill)
And you are this close to getting
sh!t-canned!
(storming off)
phucking shoot me now!
Becky heads into her office and slams the door. Dante
turns on Randal.
73.
CONTINUED: (6)
(CONTINUED)
DANTE
What’re you doing?! Are you
trying to get fired?
RANDAL
When did porch-monkey suddenly
become a racial slur?
DANTE
When ignorant racists starting
saying it a hundred years ago.
RANDAL
Oh, bullsh!t. My grandmother
used to call me a porch-monkey
all the time when I was a kid,
because I’d sit on the porch and
stare at my neighbors.
DANTE
Despite the fact that your
grandmother used it as a term of
endearment for you, it’s still a
racial slur. It’d be like your
grandmother calling you “a little
K!ke.”
RANDAL
Oh, it is not! Plus, my
grandmother had nothing but the
utmost respect for the Jewish
community. When I was a kid, she
told me to always treat the
Jewish kids well, or else they’d
put the Sheeny-curse on me.
DANTE
WHAT THE PHUCK, MAN?!
RANDAL
What?
DANTE
SHEENEY’S A RACIAL SLUR, TOO!
RANDAL
Oh, it is not.
DANTE
YES, IT IS!
74.
CONTINUED: (7)
(CONTINUED)
RANDAL
Well, she never called any Jews
“Sheenies.” She just used to say
“Sheeny-curse” a lot. It was
cute.
DANTE
It wasn’t cute, it was racist!
RANDAL
I disagree, man. She was just an
old timer. Everyone talked like
that back then. It didn’t mean
they were racists.
(thinking back)
But, my grandmother did once
refer to a broken beer bottle as
a “N!gger-Knife”...
Dante stares at Randal, open-mouthed and aghast.
RANDAL
Y’know, come to think of it,
maybe my grandmother was kinda
racist.
DANTE
YA’ THINK?!
RANDAL
I still don’t think porch-monkey
should be considered a racist
term. I’ve always used it to
describe lazy prople, not lazy
black people. I think if we
really tried, we can reclaim
“porch-monkey” and save it.
DANTE
It can’t be “saved”, Randal! The
sole purpose for its creation -
the only reason it exists in the
first place - is to disparage an
entire race! And, even if it
could be saved, you can’t save it
because you’re not black!
RANDAL
Well, listen to you: telling me
I can’t do something because of
the color of my skin. You’re the
racist.
75.
CONTINUED: (8)
(CONTINUED)
Dante storms away, leaving Randal alone at the counter.
Randal calls after him
RANDAL
I’m taking it back. You watch.
Just then, a Mother and her little Kid approach the
counter. Randal rubs the Kid’s head, smiling.
RANDAL
What can I get for you today, ya’
little porch-monkey?
Off the Mother’s agog look.
RANDAL
It’s cool, I’m taking it back.