Carl Rogers Counsels A Black Man On Anger
awkwardly!
I watched this interview, filmed in 1974, with a mixture of admiration, sadness, empathy, and cringe. In one of the comments below the video, a black man of today had this to say:
All I know is that when people talk shit about you like you’re not there, when you are definitely there, you get super pissed off. I don’t think Dr. “calm” gets it. Actually, I think the Dr. has good intentions but… he’s not in touch. What a nice attempt back then.
Today Rogers’ efforts do seem stilted and at times cringe worthy, but Carl Rogers was a pioneer. Going into the unknown is always awkward, always scary, bound to bring up a sense of inadequacy. In making clumsy attempts we feel our shame, at least I do. But I am learning that feelings of shame and embarrassment are no reason to stop making the effort to communicate, to reach across the divide between person and person.
During the video, I felt more identified with the client, maybe because Rogers, the stiff white person who looks a bit like my grandfather, is so awkward, and maybe also because I am a therapy client struggling with some of the same things this client is — circling around a pit of intense feeling, afraid to go all the way down in. I like how patient Rogers is, not pushing the guy, letting him set the pace, but I think Rogers missed a crucial opportunity when the young man says, “I could tell you some times — I mean it would just — maybe blow you away.”
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Rogers backs off. The man struggles, gets quiet, then says, “Too much.” Rogers takes him at his word. In the post-interview discussion Rogers says that he believes clients know how much they can take and when to pull back. But in this case, it seems to me it was Rogers who missed a cue. The guy wanted to let go! What Rogers should have said, in my opinion, what I would have wanted him to say, what would have opened up the conversation for me as a client, instead of closing it, is, “You’re afraid that if you tell me the truth it would blow me away.”
We do not want people to desert us. We’ve been deserted enough. I do not want to blow away my therapist. That is definitely a consideration. Rogers did not make it safe enough for this client. That is why the conversation stopped, or so it felt to me. Rogers doesn’t quite give you the feeling that he is familiar enough with being beaten, comfortable enough with anger. He doesn’t seem ready to withstand the blast.
My therapist misses sometimes too. If she says the word “courageous” one more time I might have to throw up. She’s had a much more stable life than I have, so in some ways she can’t understand, but that also means she has more to give. One of the things I like best about her is how stable she is, that I can’t rock her or scare her off. She keeps trying. I am sure she truly wants to help. So we both lean into the process. Therapists are not gods, they’re people. The good ones know exactly what they are trying to do, even if they can’t always do it. I’m learning to understand what my therapist is trying to do by reading about how therapy works and what’s supposed to happen. It makes me wonder why therapists don’t provide this sort of information to clients. I’m learning that when she misses, I should object. I should insist that she keep trying until I say, YES, you nailed it.
When she nailed it two weeks ago, when she said, “You need help,” and all the bells and whistles went off, and my tears of 60 years poured forth like a baby’s, I experienced the power of accurate empathy. I was moved. She didn’t do it alone, I didn’t do it alone, she met me where I was with the right words and shazaam!
Here’s Rogers on the subject:
Empathic understanding, when it is accurately and sensitively communicated, seems crucially important in enabling the client more freely to experience his inward feelings, perceptions, and personal meanings. When he is thus in contact with his inward experiencing, he can recognize the points at which his experience is at variance with his concept of himself and, consequently, where he is endeavoring to live by a false conception. Such recognition of incongruence is the first step towards its resolution and the revision of the concept of self to include the hitherto denied experiences. This is one of the major ways in which change becomes possible and a more complete integration of self and behavior is inaugurated.
I bolded what is for the me the key point in the above quote. In the days that followed that pivotal moment of “you need help,” I recognized that I had been trying to live as if I didn’t need help, despite persistent feelings of despair, despite even being in therapy. It had never before felt safe enough to fully admit and accept that I, Sarah Mohan, the great and mighty, do in fact need help. My self-concept changed overnight from a person-balloon faking their way through life, to a real person seeking help. The balloon popped and I felt solid. To myself. Not a faker. No longer just a good faker. A real person. Whoopdedoo!
For my story of the “pivotal moment,” see Finding words.
