CHICAGO—His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic Monday when he realized there were more children on the playground than he could subdue with flash-bang grenades. “Oh God, send for backup—there’s, like, 30 under 6!” the embattled agent said as he tossed one of his last remaining stun grenades at a group of girls playing hopscotch and emptied his pepper-ball rifle into a crowd of kindergartners. “I’ve zip-tied a few, but they just keep coming! There’s so many of them, and their crying is really loud! Some of them have Hula-Hoops and jump ropes—my baton is no match for them. If I don’t make it out alive, tell my ex-wife I love her.” At press time, the desperate ICE agent was seen lowering his head in silent prayer as he called in an airstrike on his location.
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