still
i don’t think the hardest part was letting you go.
i think the hardest part was realizing that i never actually stopped choosing you.
every day, in the smallest ways, i found myself making room for you. i waited when you needed time. i understood when you couldn’t give me answers. i stayed even when i was slowly getting tired, because i kept believing that maybe one day you’d finally be sure about us.
i never wanted anything impossible. i wasn’t asking for forever or promises written in stone. i just wanted to know that i wasn’t the only one trying.
i don’t think you’ll ever know how many versions of my future had you in them. i imagined giving you the little things i kept for you, watching you smile over something as simple as a gift i picked with so much love. i imagined ordinary days, boring conversations, random late nights, and somehow that was enough for me.
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but somewhere along the way, i realized i was carrying both of us. and love isn’t supposed to feel like begging someone to decide if you’re worth staying for.
so i walked away.
not because i stopped loving you.
i walked away because i couldn’t spend another day wondering if i was someone you wanted or someone you were just afraid to lose.
the funny thing is, i still choose you sometimes. not with my actions anymore, but with my memories. i still catch myself wanting to tell you about my day. i still hear songs that remind me of you. i still wonder if you’re eating well, sleeping enough, or if someone is taking care of you the way i always wanted to.
maybe that’s what healing really is.
not waking up one day without loving you, but learning that i can love you quietly, from a distance, without asking you to love me back.
because if loving you taught me anything, it’s that love can be real even when it isn’t returned the way we hoped.
and if i ever loved you wrong, i’m sorry. but if there’s one thing i know i did right, it was loving you with everything i had.
